Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

[Tempnamech4nge]

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

Just block him. Took me until I was about 40 to have the confidence to remove people from my life but is been very liberating. No place for anyone toxic now and my MH is so much better for it.

Yes, @SparklySneakers 💪 Same.

OP there is usually a reason why we are over-empathic and people pleasers. It’s not a character flaw. It’s one of the reasons this man has picked you to prey upon.

Definitely look up “Fear, Obligation and Guilt”.

From the outside looking in it's so blatantly clear how innapropriate it all is, whatever his motivation, which only compounds my shame because as a grown woman I should have picked up on the red flags long before I did and now I feel like a gullible mug.

OP you have nothing to be ashamed of! I saw a good saying today -

"sit in shit long enough and you stop smelling it"

I've been reluctant to just block him because of the sense of indebtedness that has built up over the course of time with the presents. It has made me feel as though I'd be the unreasonable one although I'm seeing that's not actually the case.

A few months ago for example, we were chatting as usual and I mentioned taking my toddler to a speech and language drop in that afternoon. The following week he bought him a tablet "to try and help him learn"

I was genuinely touched and thought that was an unbelievably kind thing to do at the time. In normal circumstances it would seem cruel to just block somebody who does things like that for you, wouldn't it?

I feel like he's done a number on me in terms of instilling the FOG. I was reading up about it last night and it's absolutely a factor at play here.

That's it. Be angry. At him. Be kind to yourself, you didn't do anything terrible. He didn't meet your children, get naked pics of anyone or steal money from you. He gets a kick out of controlling you. That's all. You can deal with that.

Your feeling of dread will pass. He has no control over you in reality. Ignore the fuck out of him. Give the finger to your phone whenever you think of his message sitting there. Change his name and pic in your contacts to something rude or funny. I reckon you'll be surprised at how quickly you'll chill out and then you'll realise you were living with a persistent irritant before and its absence is lovely.

Definitely sounds like he wants some form of power play over you. I'd 100% agree with a PP who said to stop sending photos of your child to this man and I'd also be more inclined to 'slowly back away' with eyes wide open, than to do an outright block which I think would antagonise and anger him. At the very best, this man sounds incredibly needy and someone you could do without in your life. At worst, it sounds like he could be grooming you. Can you delay all your responses to him, stop using SM for a few weeks so he can't see or comment, if he chases you for communication just leave it and use that thing on your phone that sends a pre written text 'too busy' or 'in a meeting'?

Good that you are thinking this through, and it is ok to be angry at him. Don't be angry at yourself for being a good and kind person.

I see that you have not seen each other in real life for a few years now, so he is not likely to turn up at the door.
You are doing well.

Excellent post by TowelNumber42. You now know this needs to stop, and you absolutely can make that happen. Use your anger to keep you strong if it gets tough. You’ve got this.

Remember, you didn’t ask for the presents, so you don’t owe him anything.

Can you suggest that he only gives presents at birthdays and Christmas, as dd has a lot of toys etc now?

A few months ago for example, we were chatting as usual and I mentioned taking my toddler to a speech and language drop in that afternoon. The following week he bought him a tablet "to try and help him learn"*

Creepy as fuck and so inappropriate. I'd be worried he's playing the long game to get to your kids. Please cease all contact with this man.

You don't owe him anything. Send him a message to say you will be offline for a while as you are preparing for the baby. Then block him from everything. Tell your family what he has been like so that if he does contact them asking for information they can be very vague and then block him also. If he is persistent, go as far as telling him you are back with ex and are moving - to Outer Mongolia!

You need to tell real life family/friends how uncomfortable he is making you feel now. Otherwise he will spin a different yarn to them using your previous MH issues as a tool to beat you with. Remind family and friends of your previous pnd symptoms so they can be mindful when baby arrives. Put yourself first. You don't need to feel guilty for the stuff he has given you. If he sends further gifts you don't have to accept them, let alone take a day off to be there to receive them.

Buying things for people is one thing, but demanding videos and photos of where the stuff is placed is bizarre and quite stalkerish ... if I were you, I wouldn't jump to his tune every time - if I'd received a message saying 'don't bother then', I'd make sure it took an extra few hours before replying and I wouldn't even mention the digs ... do what you want, when you want and stop pandering to him - he can like it or lump it

I'm going to draft up something short and to the point about going off social media for a while to relax and prepare for baby.

The only issue I see with this is he'll then move to texts or calls, so I need to try and avoid that too.

I've tried blanking him for a few days before on SM but then he starts ringing and texting with the "are you ok, I was worried" lark.

I don't want him to think my distancing myself is mental health related as he's likely to make a big fuss over that and use it as an excuse to bombard me more, offering support.

OP - you do hold the power here, you know. You can jsut block. What's the worst that could happen? I know you think he 'might report you to SS' - Really? Would this 'friend' really report you? And - if he did? He'd probably be looking at an accusation of wasting their time. And then - poof, his power over you is gone.

He could bad-mouth you on FB - delete him. Then you won't know about it.

He could email your parents, friends, work... so what? He'd look like that nutter he is. You could move serenely through his accusations and bitching and just - ignore. You've done nothing wrong. Once he's shot his bolts, he's powerless and you can get on with your life.

He 'could demand the 'gifts' back' - do you have texts stating that they are gifts? Or loans? If they are gifts, they are now yours.

That is the only way to deal with Blackmailers. Meet them head on and get them to shoot. Deal with it when it happens.

Block this 'friend'. Deal with the aftermath ( there might not even be any) Refuse any more gifts. Do not engage.

OP - get angry! Cut him out completely - and you won't know what he's saying, or whether he's 'worried' about your MH!

Cut him out!

Block his number on your phone - it's easy and will save you a lot of hassle. Make sure you tell any mutual friends you are distancing yourself from him.

You've told him on numerous occasions that your child doesn't need any more toys or presents. I'd suggest you forward the latest of those messages with something saying politely that you have asked that he stop sending presents and, though you fully appreciate he was being kind, you now have to insist that he stops with immediate effect. Say that you don't want to get into an argument about this but if more presents arrive they will be returned. If he argues, say that you have made your position clear more than once and don't want to discuss it any more.

That should get rid of the demands for pictures of your child's reactions. If at the same time you stop posting personal stuff on social media and really slow down on answering communications from this man, you may well be able to wind things gradually right down without him making a fuss.

I considered pretending my phone was broken to avoid every possible avenue of contact, the thing stopping me from saying that is that I'm positive he will then order a phone to be sent to my address. It's absolutely something he would do.

Ideally, he needs to think I've moved.

Ffs just tell him you don't want to continue the friendship then block him. No need for all the drama.

@SparklySneakers I do get what you're saying. My hesitations stem from witnessing the fallout between him and somebody else and how bitter it got. I want to avoid being subject to spite where possible so don't want to manage it in a way that's likely to result in him getting angry and being a twat.

I had this kind of thing happen with a male friend. It was So odd! We became really close and he started acting like a controlling boyfriend, even tho he’d go on and on about us being platonic friends. I got stuck in it for 3 years! It was bloody odd! I finally realised and managed to extricate myself but reducing contact and getting busy. No replying to texts for several days etc and finally not replying at all. It was like being in an abusive relationship, without him being my boyfriend. Totally strange! I still have No idea what He got from that, apart from control I suppose. God people can be weird! You are best off out of it. Believe me! Xx

I think going suddenly NC with him will generate more drama.

I think the OPs idea of letting him know she needs more space and will be going off social media and not replying to texts for a while, while she prepares for the birth is a good one.

If when he fails to back off then that's the time to say 'you aren't giving me the space I need so now I'll need to block you'

When he next sends something just thank him as if he's norl and then ignore demands for silliness like photos and videos, and ignore demands for more thanks.

Stop encouragng his increasing demands. He'll either stop demanding or dump you.

He's just messaged me good morning as I was writing this.

Yesterday he said he would leave you alone.

My hesitations stem from witnessing the fallout between him and somebody else and how bitter it got.

You don't have to fall out. Just stop responding. 'I thought you were going to leave me alone, I am busy and you are overstepping the mark demanding my time.'

I think I had this with a female friend looking back at it. It was a situation where she ended up with more of my communication and control of my social time than my husband.

In the end it blew up horribly but I think we both learned from it. She seems to have stopped the pattern of 'best buddying' people and I know how to draw my boundaries a little more clearly.