Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

[Tempnamech4nge]

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

Definitely as you've said, begin to distance yourself. You don't need to be at his beck and call and shouldn't feel obliged to be. Don't wait in for packages! I hope you've read that back to yourself: you had to wait in all day for an unwanted gift because the sender would get arsey if you missed it.

Also if he knows your family or your social media lists them, you could let them know that any malicious messages from him should be ignored. You don't have to go into detail. You could restrict his access to your profile on Facebook to start with so he can't see your friends list - by now he probably knows your family but if you're worried he might message your other friends, take that away from him.

I can't post anything on SM without him 'liking' or commenting it and am sat here wondering whether he'll somehow find and see this post. Not healthy at all.

OK so the first thing to do it to block this fucker off Twitter, FB, IG, Whatever.

Then you need to pull up your big girl pants and tell him that
"I think we need different things from a friendship. Wish you all the well but I don't think we're suited."

Then if he has as madz as you've said he will maybe email your parents. Who gives a shit? Especially if youve alreaady dropped info about your crazy ex.

Grey Rock Technique.

Stay off social media for a while to avoid providing material. Change your user name on Mumsnet if he knows this one.

How old is he? Has he ever had a LTR?

He seems quite immature and unaware of how friendships are. I wonder if he wants a GF and you are filling that emotional gap for him.

Can you step back and just thank them normally when they send you something but then ignore demands for photos/further thanks etc and certainly ignore arsy messages if you don't answer in timely fashion?

If you only answer according to reasonable expectations maybe they'll gradually stop being so demanding?

I still think cut him off. He's got a hold over you, and you're a single parent with a baby on the way. The fact that you're predicting a nasty reaction to this with him saying things to your friends and f as miley just shows you already know he's not a good person.
Also you can always circulate a quick msg to your loved ones saying you've had to cease contact with this person who is making you very uncomfortable, so if they hear from him ,please block/ignore. There's that issue sorted.
You just don't need to be worrying about something like this when you've a little one and a baby on the way. It's stressing you out

If you're worried about completely ignoring him or sending a direct message telling him to piss off then you could just pull away gradually. Stop being so available - make it the norm that you take hours, or maybe even a day or more, to reply to a message. If he responds negatively just say "oh sorry, been really busy at the moment. Nice to hear from you, hope you're well :)" and nothing more. If he sends something to the house that you need to be in for just say "oh that's really kind of you but I'm not around over the next few days/away on holiday/staying with a friend/working etc".

You can be polite and light and breezy without having to be properly engaged with him as a friend. It takes a lot longer and personally I'd just tell him to fuck off and change my number, but sounds like you are nervous of how he might react.

I had the gifts thing with a platonic male friend. He did the same with girlfriends (who used him as a sugar daddy then moved on) & he was insecure & very needy. I finally said you don't need to buy my friendship & he was a bit shocked & grumpy about it for a few days, but stopped.

If you still value his friendship but want it to be less intense, tell him that you want your children not to receive gifts other than at Christmas and birthdays and any other presents won't be passed on. And stop the thank you videos and pictures and say the kids will be sending handwritten notes (or pictures) through the post as you want them to grow up writing more personal thank yous. This should reduce stuff to a manageable level over time. And leave at least a few hours before responding to every text and a few days before responding to every email, and put him on a reduced Facebook setting so he can't see everything you posy.

It all sounds really creepy and weird

I have a friend who this post reminds me of, minus the gifts. He used to constantly message, not in a romantic way, we've known each other 17 years, and get into some hissy fit when I didn't reply quick enough. He then let slip he had a folder on his computer for just mine / my DH and DS photos that we've sent him over the years.
It got to the point where it became too much and I needed a mental break so cut down on if / when I would reply citing sorry busy period atm. He moaned of course about it, BUT we now meet once maybe twice a year and it's fine, and no hassle in between. He did get the message and it definitely saved the friendship . You need to cut back.

Is this person male or female? Why do you only refer to him/ her as “they”?

It was in the first sentence of the OP. The fourth word.

I was going to write exactly what math anxiety wrote. I personally think this tips over into stalking and if there's any suggestion of him getting nasty you should involve the police. Especially any badmouthing you or harassing your family.

www.borderline-personality-disorder.com/borderline-personality-disorder-research/freedom-from-the-fog-of-emotional-manipulation/
FOG in the context of a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.

narcissistory.com/?p=427
FOG in the context of a relationship with a narcissist.
you will always be wrong in the eyes of the narcissist. They will use all kinds of “tools” to make you in the wrong in their eyes and make you doubt your sanity and theirs. The temptation is to just go along with what they say for the sake of a peaceful life. This approach does not work with a narcissist because they just push the boundaries out further, remember they are always looking for drama and love to evoke emotion in others. You will never be able to satisfy a narcissist, there may be moments of calm but these are fleeting and if they think that you are relaxing in the relationship they will definitely go on the offensive again. They want you to be hyper reactive and in a perpetual state of danger management, it makes them feel powerful and it does not happen by accident - it is designed to confuse and keep you off balance.

The blackmailing only works if you comply

You don't have to decide if he has BPD or Narcissism here. He could have both.

It is very important to remember the Three 'C's:
1 - You did not cause this behaviour.
2 - You cannot control it.
3 - You cannot cure it.

1 - You have blamed yourself and you are concerned you will be seen as leading him on. This problem comes from inside him.

2 - No amount of saying thank you and complying with the demands for photos as soon as a package arrives will satisfy this man. He will always keep on demanding and calling in favours and drawing from the relationship bank so that he can avoid the void inside him.

3 - No amount of treating him nicely in hopes of getting a different result will stop this. It is just going to get more and more intolerable for you. You are never going to feel less anxious about how he might react to you putting your foot down.

Every time he gets away with making you comply he violates your boundaries a little more.

If you try to get out of what really amounts to obeying them, they will put on more pressure either by being melodramatic or by pushing on one of your vulnerable spots. Again this can be either direct or indirect depending on what they think will be more effective.

When you obey their demands they know that their manipulation has worked and they will employ it again and again in various ways.

(From that second link):
Fear:

Fear of abandonment
Fear of upsetting a lonely elderly parent
Fear of temper tantrums and confrontation
Fear for your own physical safety

Obligation

“After all the sacrifices I have made for you”
“You never ….”
“You always …”
“I can’t do it”
“You are so ungrateful”
“You did that because..”
“Why won’t you?”
“I would do it for you”
“You are so selfish”
“I need your help” (means you do this for me while I do something more pleasurable)
“It is your duty”

Guilt

For having done something to upset or offend
For being cold hearted
For not pulling your weight in a relationship
For spending too much time at work
Not earning enough money
Having interesting/useful friends
Being happy/enjoying yourself

[all C&P]^^

Could you message him with something like 'I've got a lot on my plate atm and need some time alone. Sorry but not up to contact atm. Hope you understand and I'll be in touch once I'm feeling better'
It's a bit of a 'it's not you it's me' and really there's a not a lot he can do but respect your wishes if he receives this
You may find that the break does you a lot of good, you'll either realise that you feel 100% better without his gifts, texts etc, or you may find you miss him.

So what is the worst thing that can happen? They could be a bit spiteful? I would risk it.

Is this a permanent situation or a phase? I have a very close male friend from uni who is like a brother and he had a patch of quite severe depression that he acted just like this in. As I knew what was going on I just supported him through it (although it as draining!) He came out the other side after about a year and we're back to normal now. If it's something like that, maybe ask him to stop sending presents (cite space etc) but keep up contact (maybe slower replies each time?)
If this is a permanent thing it will sap your energy. Slowly withdraw. If you are on good terms with your DCs dad, could he help to add some boundaries e.g. by helpfully asking you not to send pictures of his children anymore?

Distance yourself. They have issues

Definitely weird.

You need not to be at their beck and call. Don’t respond straight away, but respond on your terms. Stop doing the photos but just a thank you. If they sulk, so what.. let them sulk. Sounds like the behaviour of a toddler, not an adult. You need to establish this relationship on your terms, not his.

I had an experience similar to yours op. I was friends on Facebook with a Canadian man. We messaged each other several times daily. It started off quite reasonably but after a while he started pleading poverty. He would say he needed to borrow money for his medication, or he needed money for wormers for his two cats. Being the the type of person that I am I’d send him the money but because I thought he was struggling I’d say he needn’t pay me back.
Bearing in mind I’m a single parent myself also struggling to bring up my daughter.
I’d tell him this and he’d stop for a while but he’d guilt trip me into sending some money. Never big amounts but they mounted up into hundreds of dollars by the time I came to my senses.
I told him I could no longer send him money because I had lost one of my part time jobs,which was completely true. He made the appropriate sympathetic comments and stopped for a while but soon started with the guilt tripping again so I ignored all his messages completely for a few months.
After a while I was wondering how he was getting on so I started to message him again. Well it didn’t take him long to revert to his old ways... two days in fact. He hadn’t changed one iota!
I blocked him and I’ve never looked back. It was such a relief, I didn’t need that in my life.
He had three thousand contacts in his list and I thought if he’s touching all of them for free handouts then truly he must be living the life of Riley. The best thing I ever did was to block him. I’m so glad I did as nobody needs that in their life.
I hope you find the strength to tell him op you’ll be so relieved when he’s out of your life for good.

@Tempnamech4nge

This bit jumped out at me:

When we were together he was aware of him as one of my friends and wasn't concerned. He wasn't sending as much stuff at that point.

... because it implies that this has become more full on since you've become single. He's ramped it up since you and your DP split.

I think all of this is highly manipulative and not the actions of a true friend. And it's got you to a point where you're paralysed/too scared of ramifications to confront him.

I think that either you call him on it, and talk about what he's doing and why, but more importantly how all this is making you feel, or you block him completely from all social media and stop responding to him and his texts/messages.

If he's truly a friend, he should understand and want to back off - if he's not a friend then he will respond negatively and will confirm your suspicions.

But as another PP said, actually you are the one with the power in this relationship - don't forget that!

He's buying your attention. Phase him out, be slower to respond to messages, make them shorter and shorter. When they get arsy just say sorry really busy right now and don't rise to it. Eventually they'll get it.

Please please PLEASE cut this person out of your life. You said you're not worried about them coming to your house because of the distance, but then you said he is hankering for an invitation - so he obviously could make the distance.

This is not healthy, he knows all your "weaknesses" (MH etc) and is controlling and quick to anger. Think about the damage he could cause if you stop dancing to his tune and feeding his obsession. Does he know where you work? You've shared private information about your life and struggles with him. He's on all your social media? Think of the worst he could do lashing out in anger.

I'm not an expert on the safest way of removing yourself from a relationship like this, but I'm guessing slowly and gradually to start with before cutting him off. Standing up to him today when you were cooking dinner was a good start. Be firm that you don't accept his behaviour.

DO NOT WORRY ABOUT HURTING THIS MAN'S FEELINGS! He is making you uncomfortable and you don't owe him anything!

If you are worried he will contact SS I'd take that as an indirect threat to your kids. I've cut two ladies out of my life who were friends as one seemed to thrive on calling SS on the other but the other knew she had called 4 times and kept going back to being her friend! Definite control issues with use of fear, guilt etc. I couldn't deal with it as I felt I was always looking over my shoulder, despite knowing my parenting is fine. It's a recipe for disaster and you'll end up burning out.