Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

[Tempnamech4nge]

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

You said he was male in your OP which made the 'they' very weird to read

He's awful. Bullying, controlling and entitled. Tell him you've had enough and block him.

OP are you worried about the person knowing too much about you? Just wondered if over the years you feel now you may have revealed a bit more than you would like/? Are you worried about or maybe embarrassed about what they know and how they would choose to use your information if you did cut loose? Are you worried about possible blackmail? If not then they have to go and go now ,,,as people have said block everywhere you do not need this hanging over you...if you think yes maybe ,,I really have been a bit daft and revealed too much and am worried it will be used to their advantage if I question them then you need a chat with the police....If yes though please remember at times everyone does daft things and although not comfortable if you do need help then you wont be judged too harshly....I wish you well x

Has he created some sort of fantasy life where you play a part? Not necessarily a sexual part but a significant part nonetheless.

What's his situation re: partners, friends, parents etc? If it's a bit lacking he may have created a fantasy of the life he wants and you're part of it.

Whatever the reason it sounds like you need to get out.

Ugh. The fact that he's stepped up his contact after you split up with your partner is a bit of a red flag for me.

With a new baby coming, can you tell him you don't have any time to spare and cut down contact to the odd vague message?

so in his reply to you he said "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"
Take that
DO NOT contact him again.

I haven’t read the full thread but wanted to say that I had a similar situation. In the end I cut all contact and the relief was immense! I was sad to lose him as a friend but his behaviour had become very weird and intrusive. It was amazing to no longer be scared of getting a text message in case it was him demanding something else from me!

About 3 years later he messaged me on fb to say he hoped I was well, and I messaged back to say yes, thanks. And that was that.

He's interested in you but either doesn't have the guts to ask you out and/or knows his feelings aren't reciprocated. It won't end well whatever you do because he's controlling and manipulative. Time to cut contact and stop dancing to his tune. Make sure someone irl knows how he's been behaving.

He sounds obsessed with you and possibly now that your and your ex are no longer together he is ramping things up in the hopes of a relationship with you? You need to back off but not do it too abruptly in case of repercussions. Just take longer to respond to messages. Tell him you are tired with having small children and being pregnant and you just can't reply immediately to his messages.

You need to get in front of this and take control of the situation.

1. Talk to said friend and let him know that in no uncertain terms you do not have space for anymore gifts, and with new baby you would like to buy your own things for them.

1. Refuse to accept delivery of anything that arrives from him. He has no hold on you if you don’t owe him anything.

1. Inform friends and family that you intend to put distance between yourself and him before you start, so they can be aware of the situation. They can block him themselves if necessary, hopefully they would do that anyway if he turned on you?

1. Block him if you do not want the friendship to continue. It doesn’t sound healthy, it doesn’t sound as if you enjoy the friendship, and it isn’t your responsibility to be his support in this manner.

SS are good at spotting where a malicious accusation has been made so don’t worry about that. Concentrate on yourself and your children. Your issues are hard enough to deal with, he adds pressure on you and yes he is controlling you. He is a burden, not a mate.

Had a very similar situation also with a man, started subtlety in 1993, went on until 2009 ! Yes really, in that time I married ( twice) had two Dc's and he married and had DC. It all came to a head when I refused to leave my young DC's and DH to go on a weekend jaunt for his 40th in NYC, we just didn't have the money, we were tired , plus a week before xmas, it was super bad timing and unfair on my family. I told him this back in September, when he started planning that I would not be there at all. I also really didn't like his wife, she was awfully controlling and harassed me all the time on social media.
I lived in a different country to them as well.
So when I said no , his wife went to town and tried to take me down on social media, FB calling me every name under the sun and telling anyone that would listen how I owed her DH money, I wouldn't be where I was if it was not for him and there was so much more it went on blah blah blah blah I had really long appling emails from her too. Oh and I had made him cry etc etc, it was horrendous. I wept buckets and was really stressed about it all, my DH suggested I call the police about harassment because it was relentless. But I didn't I just ignored, blocked, deleted and blocked them at every avenue, so we're talking all email, linked in, etc.. EVERYTHING, how long they tried to contact me I'll never know because I took the decision that once blocked I would even look in my spam box, and still they are blocked to this day. Luckily I live far enough away that I knew they wouldn't rock up on the door ( well I hoped they wouldn't) and then I moved house and very few know my current address. I rarely use FB these days, I keep everything locked down tight.
I don't regret it for a minute, the bridge is well and truly burnt, a mutual friend at the time of ours, who is now no longer a friend of his, said he regretted his behaviour so much, he was very embarrassed by his wife and was called out about it by many people who knew us both, he lost a lot of friends from what I understand. But I don't give rats arse, I will never be in contact with him again, and he has tried I just IGNORE !

I hope you can try to find the strength to cut him out, you don't need this and after the guilt which I felt for months, comes peace it really then does feel good..

I agree with some others that the candles is the perfect chance to ask for presents to stop completely. You can tell him they’re unnecessary and feel more like an obligation than something pleasurable.

You mentioned GAD and I wonder if the repercussions you are worrying about would happen or if that’s catastrophising.

If he asks for the value of the gifts back, well no, they were gifts. If he contacts your family they can block him too. If he badmouths you, true friends will stick by you. He has limited power.

Why would you think he'd go to social services or speak to your friends and family members if you tell him to pack it in? Sounds like there's a bit more to this story

Even if he does rant to all those people, it won't harm you. Most likely it will bring you closer to the genuinely nice people. Keep your texts and emails to show Social Services that he's a bit of a stalker.

I don't want them to feel obliged to buy us things and have told them this many times. They continue to do so regardless and then I feel further indebted because of the fact they are nice gestures.

^^ OP how clear have you been about not wanting these gifts? Have you been a little too polite/indirect maybe? Some people need things really clearly spelled out.

When you next have communication with this person be very clear that you cannot accept further gifts (whatever reason you give, storage, time and inconvenience of having to wait in to accept delivery).

Mute him wherever possible on your social media (if you don't want to completely block/unfollow him yet) and lock down your SM settings so he doesn't get to see so much of what's happening in your life.

Also email/WhatsApp your close friends/family and let them know the situation. They can then help keep him away from you when/if he approaches them, and say that life is just really busy currently and you are having to focus on your family and having a time off SM. Redirect his emails to your spam/junk folder and only check it weekly so you can respond maybe weekly if you wish to respond.

Even without him encroaching on your life you sound as if you have a lot going on - the greatest of which is your imminent new baby as well as your toddler, so do give yourself the time, space and energy for those and not someone who is becoming so enmeshed in your life. Good luck OP. 🌹

'I'll leave you alone'
'Yes that would be for the best'

Tell friend that you don't want any more gifts, clearly. Don't argue with them or discuss it with them. Tell them accepting so mnay gifts make you feel uncomfortable. I would stop accepting gifts - refuse them at the door, don't wait in for them or don't pick them up from the post office if you miss the post. I would also stop responding to messages, or certainly delay answering. You're not at anyone's beck and call.
You don't have to send anyone pictures of your children.

'I'm not %100 sure what potential repercussions I'm worried about, malicious calls to SS perhaps or spreading rumours / badmouthing me to others. Demanding back the cost of everything they've spent on me and the DC. Making a nuisance of themselves.'

• OKAY so right here is why you need to deal with this. You, for whatever reason, are feeling threatened by this relationship - that is NOT friendship.

I see a few people making suggestions of excuses like 'I've been busy' or 'I can't wait in because I'm going away'

I unfortunately find with these kinds of people, that never works. Being busy is usually a temporary thing so they just see that as an opportunity to continue to hound you until you're not. The only way to get people like this to back off is to tell them exactly what you said, that they are becoming a chore.

He reminds me of someone I know, minus the presents, but very, very needy. Seemed to believe a fling with me would solve his marriage problems. We didn't have a fling, the most we did was exchange messages (I wasn't in a good place and at that point enjoyed the attention, but I had no plans to ever take it further). We did meet up a few times, but as we lived hundreds of miles away and whenever we did meet I was staying with my mother (who does not approve of affairs) it was very easy to keep to just dinner and then go our separate ways.

But he'd go through phases of being very needy, as I said. He asked me a few years ago when I'd next be down in his vicinity, and I stupidly (or not) told him I'd be down in a few weeks for my mother's birthday. But, as I'm not down often, and would only be down for a couple of days, I pointed out there would be no time to meet up. He had a bit of a strop but seemed ok with it.

A week before he asked again, and wanted to know when we were meeting. I reminded him what I'd said previously, and his reaction was completely OTT. I ended up ignoring him and, other than a happy new year text have not messaged him (in any capacity) since.

I can't say I miss him in the slightest, and suspect you'll feel the same if you manage to dump this guy. Good luck!

Thanks for all of your replies, I've read them all. I'll try to answer most of the questions.

He's older than me, considerably so. This wasn't a barrier in the friendship for me initially because I'm quite an old soul and have a few friends of a different age group to my self. I'm in my 20's and he's in his 50's.

To the poster who asked whether I've shared more than I'm now comfortable with and am worried about him knowing too much, absolutely yes. He knows things about my family, my history, my medical information and mental health, my relationships etc. I trusted him implicitly before I began to see the red flags (very late on) and allowed for him to be a confindate for a period of time which I truly appreciated in the there and then but now regret.

SS. There isn't more to this than worry. The reason I'm potentially catastrophising about him making malicious calls to SS is because I've been honest with him about my MH struggles after DS was born, and confided in him that sometimes I found it difficult to cope and would worry that SS may become involved due to my GAD and PND. This was a fear of mine and I know only too well that Narcs and manipulative people play on your fears. He used this information to try and coax me to move closer to him so he could 'support' me with my MH despite having no real experience with children or babies.

This was when I began to feel uncomfortable and suspect I was being manipulated/controlled. I don't have any SS involvement and am doing far better now, the PND is lifting and my anxiety is for the most part under control (it's spiking now due to all of this) but I'm doing fine. I feel ashamed that I "let him in" and gave him the power that I did, in knowing my weaknesses thus having something "over me" if we were to fall out.

RE fantasy world. Yes. Absolutely. I believe he's using me to fill a void and has a warped perception of my place in his life and what I am to him. He overinvests too much in me and my DC because there is little else in his life at the moment. He doesn't have alot of other friends and doesn't get out much, the latter due to laziness if I were to be honest in my assumptions. He is somebody that spends alot of his day immobile, watching movies and scrolling through social media. He no longer works or volunteers so has alot of time on his hands to message me.

AFAIK there's no depression at play, there's definitely no anxiety problems. I do suspect a personality disorder but I'm in no way qualified to say for sure.

Usually I receive a "good morning" text every day without fail but I haven't had one today for the first time in as long as I can remember. He's either smarting from me biting back last night or has seen this thread (less likely)

If he does message me today I'm not going to respond immediately. I may give it a day and then send a generic "I'm coming away from social media for a while to concentrate on toddler and impending baby" message then mute his thread and leave him to it.

I'm due to give birth in a few weeks so I don't need all of this, though I'm pinning a degree of the blame on myself for not stopping it sooner. I feel complicit for accepting gifts and think I've played right into his hands by doing that.

He's gotten into my conscience because despite the anxiety he causes me, I actually feel a bit sorry for him on the off chance that he is infact harmless and no threat to me, just lonely. I don't know. I'm going to listen to my instincts and you guys on this one.

Oh God. I had one of these for a few years. Only he used to send the gifts to my workplace. He'd get arsey if I didn't reply to messages instantly too. I just started leaving it longer and longer to reply until he finally got the message (it took about 6 months). He also used to leave passive/aggressive messages on FB. Stuff like sad faces and when everyone started asking what's up, he'd say 'sad when people you love let you down'. Twat.

I'm also regretting sending photos of my DS up on request when gifts arrive for him. I think given all of the red flags this guy has raised then my compliance could easily be seen as a safeguarding issue, or am I reading too far into that and catastrophising again?

There's never been any dodgy remarks about my DC, only him referring to them as family and wanting to treat them. Wanting to see them enjoying what he's bought. Normal smiley photographs, the sort you take with xmas presents.
They've never met and I wouldn't facilitate them to, but me not seeing the red flags earlier on isn't great is it?

He's just messaged me good morning as I was writing this.

This might seem an odd suggestion but could you go and talk to your doctor about your PND, and about the situation with this bloke. Pre-empt his call to SS.

My PND has gotten better to the point that I'm almost entirely back to my old self so I don't want to drag it back up again, but if it resurfaces after I give birth I'll definitely do that