Wtf is wrong with this person. Driving me mad!

[Tempnamech4nge]

A (totally platonic) male friend of mine is extremely intense and I'm now realising, controlling. They want to be in touch all of the time, get moody when i dont respond in a timely manner and are always buying gifts for me and my DC. I thank them of course but reiterate that it's not necessary, i have never asked them for a single thing but they insist and buy things anyway. They like to treat us. They are very overly invested in mine and the DCs lives despite us having not seen one another in person in a few years due to a big move and they've never even met my young DC. I feel smothered, it feels like a controlling partner when they are in fact just a friend.

They like to make a big deal of buying things and ask for photos of whatever it is, for instance If it's a toy for the DC they want a big hooray picture and a video of the DC looking thrilled. I oblige and always make a point of thanking them sincerely, even though I don't have the space for more toys (which I have said so on numerous occasions)

Its not all one sided with the generosity. I've leant them money on more occasions than I care to remember over the past few years, partly because I felt indebted to them because of their (unwarrented) generosity. I have always received this money back fwiw.

I'm now beginning to think the whole charade and plying with gifts has been to exert control and manipulation over me, is that paranoid?

Today a gift arrived (some wax melts for my burner) all very thoughtful and kind, but again unnecessary. I had to wait in all day for them to arrive because if I miss a delivery they drone on and on moaning and go in a huff.

I thanked them for the wax melts and continued cooking for me and the DC. They responded to my thank you message asking me to send them a photo of them. I didn't see the message immediately as I was cooking. They then sent a further message, arsy in tone telling me "Don't bother then"

When i did see the message I lost my temper and told them I only had one pair of hands and I'm trying to feed my child. This isnt the first time I've received the short shrift for not being available to respond immediately, so it has worn thin and I finally bit. They then replied with "ok sorry I'll leave you alone"

Completely blown out of proportion and unnecessary and I'm now sat thinking to myself what a chore they have become.

I don't need presents, intrusion, daily messages, my parenting ridiculed. I would rather be left in peace.

I'm sick of being expected to be at their beck and call because they live vicariously through me and the DC. They are so full on they make me anxious. They don't have a big social life or get out much so I'm a big focal point of theirs for social interaction and it's draining me, it almost feels like I'm being bloody groomed.

This isn't a normal dynamic is it?

AIBU and ungrateful?

Are they BU to expect so much from me in terms of my undivided attention.

Whatever this is I've had enough of it but will feel extremely guilty if I suddenly cut them off because of all the gifts they've bought, but that was their aim wasn't it it?

What is all of this about.

Is this personality disorder material?

They're driving me mad.

To reiterate they've never made any romantic passes at me or said anything innapropriate so if this is a "love obsession" they're masquerading it well under the guise of being a friend "who's like family"

@Tempnamech4nge I think it must be horrible to know that other people had information about him that they chose not to pass on to you

Well said Luna .

It's a tricky one though op. I've just been though a court case against my ex. He was found guilty of stalking and harassment. Hes abusive and controlling. But if I try to warn his current squeeze I doubt she'd listen. So it's not always a clear case. I really do hope you get some peace of mind.

I definitely see your points, I'm just venting my frustration (internally) about the fact they never warned me, one of them I happened to be quite friendly with and im sure i would've definitely said something if the shoe was on the other foot.

On the other hand I've also been the ex of an abuser who tried to warn a new girlfriend and was not believed initially (until he did the same to her) so in that sense I can and do understand some hesitation.

Hi OP,

I’ve RTFT and don’t have any additional advice to offer beyond what pp have said about continuing to block and ignore but I just wanted to say please don’t be too hard on yourself regarding the whole ‘I should have realised sooner’ thing, which you’ve beaten yourself up with numerous times.

The coercion and control look so obvious and blatant when you write them down in a summary like you’ve done, but it’s easy to forget this didn’t all happen at once but slowly, over a number of years.

A similar thing happened to me in my late teens. I befriended an older man who lived near me who I thought was just a bit lonely. So I’d stop and chat on my way to college. He’d tell me about his landlady and her son who he lived with, his business selling clocks etc. A couple of years went by and he’d give me the occasional present, lift to town, vegetables from his allotment etc. I thought he just valued the company. Then the presents started appearing on my doorstep, even though I hadn’t told him where I lived, then he’d appear in his car at random places waiting for me. Except one day he waited for me outside a primary school and one of the parents alerted the police. The man explained he was waiting for me so the police came to check with me that that was true. I said it probably was. They asked if I minded him waiting for me like that. I explained that it was a bit full on but he was just a lonely man, with no family of his own, and I was just a friendly face for him.

Except the next time I walked past his house he was waiting for me and started crying, saying he’d ruined everything, he was sorry, no one would ever love me like he loved me, that he’d been saving his money and would buy us a house to live in together except now it was all ruined as the police were involved. I ended up literally running away from him.

I went back to the police and they went to tell him to leave me alone. Turns out it wasn’t his landlady he lived with but his own wife and son. So he’d lied to me from the very start.

I felt so stupid. And if I ever retell that story now it sounds so unbelievably obvious that he was basically a stalker, and people have scoffed at me for being so stupid. But of course it’s obvious when I condense it down in to the ‘sinister’ components. But this all happened over two years, in amongst a hundred ‘innocent’ conversations about the weather and his (admittedly fictitious as it turned out) clock business, his allotment etc.

So don’t be too hard on yourself. Everything’s obvious with hindsight. You trusted him and believed in his good intentions, and all this was years in the making, that’s how grooming works. That’s why you didn’t see it sooner. It’s not your fault.

Thanks for sharing that with me @Windmyonlyfriend he sounds unhinged but you are absolutely spot on in what you say about it being a gradual thing so very difficult to see the red flags whilst you're in it.

It's true I've been beating myself up for not seeing the wood for the trees. I've reflected on the past few days alot this past day or two and it all just screams dodgy, controlling and manipulative.. but of course I couldn't see any of it at the time. I've took alot from it though and won't allow myself to fall into another situation like that again.

It's strange how the final trigger for me ended up being something so trivial (him getting the ump because i didn't reply quicker) when there had been more of the same and worse behaviour on many occasions and I never bit back before. I think my subconscious was telling me 'no this isn't healthy, cut him off' and that silly little episode was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Maybe your protective instincts are heightened because you are so late in your pregnancy.

OP, I can't find it now but I saw a headline the other day about trackers being put into toys. I know you said the thing from Amazon was in it's original packaging but it might be worth checking other things this man has given you.

I think, @Tempnamech4nge that it's very easy for other people, behind their screens, to say how foolish you were. But when you're living in it, day by day, it's very difficult to spot what's happening, especially if you're a decent, considerate human being, who assumes that other human beings are like you!

Agree with PP - don't be hard on yourself. The good thing is that you've acted when you understood what he was really trying to do.

Its not that difficult. Dear x I have decided to take some time for myself as I am heavily pregnant and need to focus on my DC at the moment. Your gifts although kind, are now starting to make me feel obligated and uncomfortable and as I know this is not your intention, I think we should have some time apart. Any further contact after this message will be ignored as I have asked you to respectfully consider my wishes. Any other gifts sent, will be taken straight to the charity shop as I have no space for them. I know you mean well but I no longer have the spare time to maintain this friendship.
All the best
*plenty of people have MH issues but as long as you are getting help and looking afrer your children, Social services will not get involved.

What I'm confused about, is why you keep referring to this person as 'they' and 'them' when you've said he's male. Isn't it 'he' and 'him'?

(Misses point of thread)

whohaa, OP has explained that upthread.

@whohaa try RTFT...?

But when you're living in it, day by day, it's very difficult to spot what's happening,

Yes, it's the boiled frog analogy.

I do think maybe being so far along in my pregnancy contributed to my 'awakening' where he is concerned, absolutely.

I'm nesting like mad at the moment and have read that reducing your social circle and becoming selective about who you invest time in can be part of the phase. It has served me well in this case and has helped me cut some vital ties with somebody extremely toxic.

You've all been extremely helpful in helping me realise this too, so a big thanks to MN.

I have found myself worrying a bit about what he may say/do next, but I'm a natural worrier and it'll pass the longer I go with no contact I'm sure.

I think it's in part because I know he has little to no social life outside of relying on me to talk to in the day (makes sense now doesn't it) so I can't help but imagine him sitting there obsessing over it.

I understand that worry. Tbh I was not too impressed with 101 just telling you to call in at the local station. My " local" one is 12 miles away and no direct transport and I don't drive due to epilepsy. I was wondering how you would feel about asking if your local neighbourhood officer could call in, as you are nearly due, and can't travel?

Looking at your thread made me realise that there is no one place for women to go in this position.

Would it help to talk to your local Womens Aid? They won't be judgey at all and not related to SS and it might help to talk it through with them.

He probably is obsessing about it, but think of it logically. He can't actually do anything to hurt you. He could contact SS, but they're used to vexatious claims. They'll come round to see you, see that everything's fine, and close the case.
He could tell mutual friends things, but they know what he's like, and will ignore him.

It'll be a pain for a while, but when he realises he's getting nowhere, he'll start looking for somebody else to befriend, and you can forget about him.

Remember, this too shall pass.

It's 394 comments long. I've read about 90% but honestly it was getting tedious. So I asked a question. Nothing wrong with that for Christ's sake.

There is only one tedious bit here. Whohaa
Your question was sorted within a few early posts, so you didn't read far.

Impressed that you can count to over 300 though.

@whohaa

it was getting tedious

You realise this is someone's life you're dismissing there, don't you? With a very real problem that's causing them considerable anxiety.

This isn't an episode of Eastenders here solely for your entertainment. FFS.

@whohaa, if it's too tedious to read then it's too tedious to comment. Take that as a golden rule.

I do apologise if I've bored anybody

Tsk. Come on @Tempnamech4nge - you need to tell us something really exciting now - with a cliffhanger, then go away for a few hours to keep us all on tenterhooks