MIL and wedding

[tartantrewsweddingblues]

I’m really unsure how to write this post because I don’t want to come across as grabby but this has been playing on my mind and I’d like opinions rather than telling me what to do because I’m keeping my mouth firmly shut!

My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL got married last year and in the lead up to getting married decided that they wanted to move house. All good. It transpired that MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit. So far sooooo none of my business.

DP and I are getting married in July and we have two children. DP came home and told me that MIL has told him she’ll give us the same amount. I said that was lovely of her...DP seemed a bit nervous about something and I asked him to spill the beans. He said that she had told him the £10,000 would be given to us when we move house.

We aren’t moving house. We have no plans to move house. We are happy in the house we’re in. DP has told her this and she has said if she gave it to BIL for a house move then we will get it for the same reason.

I know a gift is a gesture she doesn’t have to provide but I feel a bit annoyed at the fact that she has put restrictions and constraints on it.

Before anyone asks, she’s well off and has not contributed in anyway to the wedding which will only have 13 guests. My parents have paid for the meal and have offered us money (without strings) as a gift.

I’ve said to my husband that we need to refuse the gift. I won’t be held to ransom for any sum of money and certainly won’t uproot myself for it. The house we live in is lovely and we don’t need to move.

Does anyone else find this strange? I won’t be broaching this with her but it has kind of clouded my feelings about her.

I think the op sounds quite reasonable and reallydoubt she’s hiding that her pil gave them £20k when they bought the house.

Your poor DH.
That must be a kick in the teeth for him.
Where does she expect you to move to?
It's all very unfair.
Please be busy on Friday.
Stop doing loads of stuff for her.
Her precious flower (other son) can start to step up.

@BackforGood

I did answer it. I said in a previous response that we’ve never had any help from MIL apart from a bedspread and some cushions about 15 years ago.

We have had nothing from her beyond spending about £40 on some items. Is this clear enough for you?

My DH also wants to talk to me about it tonight in full. We’ve been busy his week with children’s clubs and lessons after school so tonight is the first chance we’ll get to discuss it properly.

It is interesting that, despite me asking twice, OP hasn't answered if there was any help when they (or her dh) first bought their property.

BackforGood The op HAS come back to clarify that. She said that they didn't get any financial assistance whatsoever when they bought their first property. They got a bedspread and cushions as a house-warming gift.

They've also had no financial assistance at any other point either.

Ah sorry - cross posted with the op.

Lots of posters seem to be arguing that it's ok to treat different children differently when their circumstances are different but isn't that your point as well? You already own a house so help with a deposit for a new house isn't help at all.

I don't think it's very generous to offer a gift to someone that they can't accept. It's a way of appearing generous without actually having to do anything. She is, of course, entitled to give money as she sees fit and you are not entitled to it but that doesn't mean you can't be hurt by it. This upset could have been avoided by her not offering you the 10k in the first place couldn't it?

If I was her and wanted to help with house deposits only I would say that up front and not offer the money in the first place, to do so is just odd.

I’m sorry about the reaction you’ve had from some posters OP. They don’t seem to live in the real world. If I found out that my parents gave my siblings a £10k gift without offering the same to me I would be mightily pissed off. If £10k was available for buying your first house, she should have offered it when you bought yours. This is fundamentally unfair.

I do wonder if your MIL is trying to buy your BIL’s affection - it sounds like she doesn’t seem him that much. Is she trying to stop him going back to Australia by making sure he buys a house here?

Please try and still take her shopping, and see if she mentions it.

Could there be a possibility she has put conditions on the house bil has? Ie a bedroom has to be available for her should she need one?

@Easterbunnyiscomingsoon

BIL doesn’t live in the same town as us and has bought a three bedroom house. He and his wife have a bedroom and his daughter has one for when she visits. Theyve been open about starting a family together so I would imagine the third bedroom would be their child’s if all goes to plan for them.

I don’t quite understand the way she’s treating DH. Of course people will say I’m grabby and entitled. I was prepared for that. But to be honest, knowing myself and that we’ve never taken a penny from her I know I’m not and my husband isn’t.

What I also feel annoyed about is that she leans on us heavily for practical help/support and this is how she treats her son in return.

Of course we don’t need to money - we work bloody hard to ensure we rely on no one -but she has offered a wedding gift that we cannot use or accept and then that’s the end of the discussion with her.

I’ve spoken about it with my parents. They’re sensible folk and even they can’t understand why she’s adding such specific conditions that she knows we cannot and will not meet. I have a brother of my own and my parents have said they could not treat us so differently.

Imo it's simple.
Retreat, taking your support with you.
Suggest dh tells her to ask bil since he /you are busy for the foreseeable.
End of.

I've no time for the games your MIL is playing. Is she trying to buy your BIL's affections? Offering you a generous gift knowing she'll never have to gift it? Who knows... but gifts should come with ribbons not strings.

I'd be mightily pee'd off with this situation too. I don't think I'm grabby and yes, it's her money to do with as she pleases, but it is essentially unfair. I'd be very tempted to call her bluff over her attendance, or otherwise, at your wedding...

Not quite on the same scale, but MIL used cash to try and control us.
She offered to pay for a wooden floor for our house, but would not let us use the money for carpets.
If we wanted to go on holiday to a certain destination, she offered to pay for flights, but not for anywhere else.
School uniform - but I was not allowed to go with her and the DC to buy it; I was expected to wait at home. And smaller things like garden furniture... the list is a long one.

But in your case, by the time you have paid for estate agent fees, legal costs, stamp duty, removal vans, stuff for the new house etc, you won't have a penny left of the 10k anyway.

I'm afraid that at this stage is politely back off and just not be as available (and tell your DP that's what you are doing so he's not blindsided when you say "No" to her).

It's sad (for your DP and you) she's said she might not come to your wedding but she's an adult and that is entirely your choice.

I definitely wouldn't be available on Friday, or any other day. Her manipulative manner is appalling. Here's 10k for you to move house - fucking ridiculous when moving house is not even on the cards. Let Bil and his wife pick up the slack and run her to the shops from now on.

Your MIL is favouring your BIL, end of. Shocking that she'd give your BIL £16k when he got married, but tell your DH that he can only have £10k IF he moves house unnecessarily, which would eat all that money up and waste it. Putting it towards the mortgage was an entirely reasonable suggestion; shocking that she rejected it. She clearly doesn't want to treat your DH the same way. Yet relies on him to do everything for her ... and you!

I would definitely be telling her she can make her own way to the shops and sort out her own bills and jobs around her house.

I apologise for missing the bit about the bedspread and cushions. Sorry.

I’m sorry about the reaction you’ve had from some posters OP. They don’t seem to live in the real world. If I found out that my parents gave my siblings a £10k gift without offering the same to me I would be mightily pissed off.

Well, I live in the real world. I am aware that at various times in our adult lives, my parents (when they were alive) helped my brother out to buy his first flat. I didn't need that help (was buying in a much cheaper part of the country than where his work had taken him), and I didn't have a problem with it. Many years later, they did help me and dh out when we were moving, to 'bridge the gap' to get 'the' house we were after but couldn't afford. If we hadn't been moving, we'd not have had that gift. I have absolutely no issue with that. I know, at whatever times they could, if one of their dc needed help (not just financial) then they did what they could to provide it. They had my sister and dh living with them for 4 months between houses for example - didn't mean that my brother and I wanted to do the same. There was a spell where they looked after my sister's dc for a short time - I didn't need that, I had a CMer. I could go on and on, but none of us have been upset at not getting "the same" as siblings, because we didn't need "the same". I would, in a heartbeat offer what help I could to each of my dc, but I certainly won't be giving big cheques to the other 2, if I ever was helping one out for a reason.

As I say, I'd still like to hear the MiL's way of presenting this situation.

It was her way of offering something she knew she did not have to come through with in the end. She knows you are not moving so it is easy to say you will get it only then. Its like telling a kid to behave in the store and it will get a prize when you know the child cannot pull through with the request.

@BackforGood

What way do you think my MIL would present it?

I’m by no means perfect @GoldenEvilHoor but I have been on hand to help MIL over the many years that DH and I have been together.

I’m sure I’ve probably annoyed her at some point over the years. She’s definitely annoyed me before but I suppose that’s the nature of being close to someone 🤷🏻‍♀️. That being said, I have never asked for or accepted any money from her.

I’ve been honest in my evaluation of my relationship with her this mid far. I’ve pretty much known her since I was a child myself as DH and I have been together for so long.

She definitely relies on DH and I to help her and for company as well since FIL died. Knowing her, if I’d done something (or DH) she’d be quick to tell me - part of knowing her for so long I guess.

But you’re right to suggest I’m not perfect.

I should also add for transparency hat we don’t rely on her for childcare. She takes the children from time to time overnight but I’ve not received care for the kids...which could amount to a fair amount of money saved for us.

Of course nobody is perfect. But we’re not talking about ‘helping out’ etc - we’re talking about a £10k wedding gift!

I honestly suspect that MILs story would be something like ‘my son has just come back from Australia and now he’s in a relationship that’s been a bit up and down. Am I wrong to give him £10k to try and make him put roots down here and spend more time with me?’

What's the plan for Friday