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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and wedding

289 replies

tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 20:27

I’m really unsure how to write this post because I don’t want to come across as grabby but this has been playing on my mind and I’d like opinions rather than telling me what to do because I’m keeping my mouth firmly shut!

My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL got married last year and in the lead up to getting married decided that they wanted to move house. All good. It transpired that MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit. So far sooooo none of my business.

DP and I are getting married in July and we have two children. DP came home and told me that MIL has told him she’ll give us the same amount. I said that was lovely of her...DP seemed a bit nervous about something and I asked him to spill the beans. He said that she had told him the £10,000 would be given to us when we move house.

We aren’t moving house. We have no plans to move house. We are happy in the house we’re in. DP has told her this and she has said if she gave it to BIL for a house move then we will get it for the same reason.

I know a gift is a gesture she doesn’t have to provide but I feel a bit annoyed at the fact that she has put restrictions and constraints on it.

Before anyone asks, she’s well off and has not contributed in anyway to the wedding which will only have 13 guests. My parents have paid for the meal and have offered us money (without strings) as a gift.

I’ve said to my husband that we need to refuse the gift. I won’t be held to ransom for any sum of money and certainly won’t uproot myself for it. The house we live in is lovely and we don’t need to move.

Does anyone else find this strange? I won’t be broaching this with her but it has kind of clouded my feelings about her.

OP posts:
summertimesadnesssss · 19/03/2019 09:04

Sorry OP’s question. You didn’t answer it.

Alwayscheerful · 19/03/2019 09:07

@summertimesadnesssss

Not if they were both sensible. We have one child who is irresponsible with money , we are less generous with this particular "child".

cheeseypizza · 19/03/2019 09:09

Did mil help with purchasing the house you are currently in?

inlectorecumbit · 19/03/2019 09:13

If you can't treat your children equally-- you shouldn't have more than one

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 09:14

I can assure you that my husband to be and I are not irresponsible with money Hmm

But in your circumstances then you’re right to not fritter it.

As you would have seen from my earlier post, my DH has offered to put it towards our mortgage and provide evidence in the form of mortgage statements (despite the fact that we are not thieves who would take money and then use the money for unspecified means)

You’ll also have seen that DH and I have been a support for MIL when FIL was dying and when he died. This included helping MIL to sort finances and my DH is POA for his mother. We’re hardlt wreckless and untrustworthy and your inference that we are is wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 09:15

@cheeseypizza

No. We’ve never had any financial help from MIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 09:16

@cheeseypizza

Actually that’s a lie. She bought us cushions and a bedspread when we bought our first flat. Grin

OP posts:
Janecon · 19/03/2019 09:22

We gave one of our DC a sum of money as a house deposit because they needed it. We haven't done the same with other DC as they didn't need it at the time. If they were to move or have a significant thing they wanted to spend it on such as extending their home then we would contribute. But I'm not about to hand over money for no specific purpose. We've made an adjustment in our wills for the fact that one DC has had some money.

It's her money, and how she chooses to spend it is up to her.

anniehm · 19/03/2019 10:30

Perhaps she could offer it for home improvements so it's an "investment". Seems odd but I do sort of understand that parents don't have to be equal exactly. My parents paid for our wedding but my brother had nothing because neither have married.

NaturalBornWoman · 19/03/2019 11:00

CherryPavlova sanctimonious much? Your outdated views sound pretty unpleasant and controlling.

Why? A wedding signifies the start of a life together, it's a public statement of commitment in front of friends, family, God if that's your thing. Many people these days find the whole concept outdated, but the notion of walking down the aisle draped in white tulle when you've already eschewed tradition by creating a family first is bizarre and has nothing to do with starting a life together and making a public commitment. It literally is about dressing up, being the focus of attention and having a 'day'. When children are already here there will always be something more worthwhile to spend the money on and I wouldn't fund it, despite being very happy to give my daughter a big wedding in the first scenario. This OP isn't having a big wedding she chose to live together and start a family without a big celebration, so no big wedding presents to mark the start of their life together. She already has a lovely house in her preferred area and has afforded 2 children, so not skint. MIL has said if they need a contribution to moving it will be available, but at the moment they don't need it. There is no gift with strings, MIL isn't saying move house, she just isn't handing over 10k for nothing in particular.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 11:26

So @NaturalBornWoman if you were my MIL, would you tell your son that he would get absolutely zilch when he was getting married?

I’ll be perfectly honest, if you need help with a wedding to the tune of £6k then I rather think you should be scaling down your wedding plans and spending within your means. The reason we are having a small wedding is because we have invested our money in property.

To be honest, I think my DH is pretty hurt that he has never asked his mother for any financial help (his brother has prior to getting married) and she won’t even give him a wedding present.

There is not a hope in hell I’d give treat my children so differently.

My DH has been clear that anything received would be spent on the lovely house we have.

The more I write about this the more I think I’ll be telling her on Friday that she can take herself to the shops and look after her own affairs without relying on me and DH. Having spoken to my DH, he’s in agreement with me.

OP posts:
GoldenEvilHoor · 19/03/2019 11:52

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

FyiYolo · 19/03/2019 12:17

Why can't her other DIL take her shopping? The one who got all that money.

I know mumsnet gets a bit funny over gifting money, but it's not being grabby to want to be considered worthy of equality, respect and consideration.

It's her choice though. Just as you can decide to cut her out. I would.

NaturalBornWoman · 19/03/2019 12:55

if you were my MIL, would you tell your son that he would get absolutely zilch when he was getting married?

I'd give you a normal wedding gift as a token to acknowledge the occasion and I'd save the same amount I'd given to the other son until needed, for a house or children's education or whatever. I'd ultimately give roughly equally but I wouldn't give you 10k to blow now just because I was helping them with a house deposit. I think it's really unreasonable to expect that kind of money when you don't need it and you've already got property, just because you've decided to tie up the legal loose ends.

FriarTuck · 19/03/2019 13:20

she texted me about an hour ago asking me to take her to the shops on Friday.
You could always say that it'll have to be Thursday, at a time convenient to you and to the shops you want to go to Grin

Peanutbutterforever · 19/03/2019 14:02

😂

Alwayscheerful · 19/03/2019 14:26

@tartantrewsweddingblues
When I used the word waste I was referring to the wedding gift allowance of £5000. I meant I would not want to miss the opportunity of utilising the maximum allowance.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 14:27

@GoldenEvilHoor

Your username suits you if that’s how you would treat your son - as a distant cousin. How you could treat your child like that is beyond me.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 19/03/2019 14:55

I would definitely be upset by this unfairness. When you speak to mil use skittlesandbeers suggestion but try ‘dh says we have to move house or you might not come to our wedding? What exactly is going on? We love our house and aren’t moving obviously, so I’m totally confused’

GoldenEvilHoor · 19/03/2019 16:02

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Sindragosan · 19/03/2019 16:13

Am I right in thinking that the brother who got all the money doesn't help in any way? It was the same in my case and I see lots of it on mumsnet, one child expected to help and given nothing while the other swans about and given disproportionate help.

In my case I moved quite far away and although we maintain contact and visit, I'm too far to get involved in any shenanigans and the relationship is better for it.

I doubt there is any point in discussing anything with your Mil, I'd quietly withdraw and be busier than usual without kicking up a fuss.

QueenofallIsee · 19/03/2019 16:13

I don’t think I would be taking her shopping and playing dutiful daughter OP, I couldn’t bring myself to for someone that I suspected of disliking me/disapproving of me. I think she has been quite unfair to her son (your husband) and good for him for calling her out on it.

Congrats on your wedding x

Tighnabruaich · 19/03/2019 16:23

I think she's being unfair and strange, and you are not being unreasonable. Tell her to sort out her own shopping on Friday. Her reasoning on this issue is bizarre not to mention mean.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 19/03/2019 16:46

Op I can def recommend a mil - free wedding!!

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 17:18

I would also be wary of any partners marrying my children in case they were a bit a bit grabby and entitled.

@GoldenEvilHoor

Thankfully I’m neither. I don’t rely on my DP for money. I’ve got a full time job for that Hmm

Anyway, you see fit to treat your children very different. That tells me a lot about you.

OP posts: