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Original poster

MIL and wedding

289 replies

tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 20:27

I’m really unsure how to write this post because I don’t want to come across as grabby but this has been playing on my mind and I’d like opinions rather than telling me what to do because I’m keeping my mouth firmly shut!

My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL got married last year and in the lead up to getting married decided that they wanted to move house. All good. It transpired that MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit. So far sooooo none of my business.

DP and I are getting married in July and we have two children. DP came home and told me that MIL has told him she’ll give us the same amount. I said that was lovely of her...DP seemed a bit nervous about something and I asked him to spill the beans. He said that she had told him the £10,000 would be given to us when we move house.

We aren’t moving house. We have no plans to move house. We are happy in the house we’re in. DP has told her this and she has said if she gave it to BIL for a house move then we will get it for the same reason.

I know a gift is a gesture she doesn’t have to provide but I feel a bit annoyed at the fact that she has put restrictions and constraints on it.

Before anyone asks, she’s well off and has not contributed in anyway to the wedding which will only have 13 guests. My parents have paid for the meal and have offered us money (without strings) as a gift.

I’ve said to my husband that we need to refuse the gift. I won’t be held to ransom for any sum of money and certainly won’t uproot myself for it. The house we live in is lovely and we don’t need to move.

Does anyone else find this strange? I won’t be broaching this with her but it has kind of clouded my feelings about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 20/03/2019 22:37

My DH doesn’t want me to take her but understands that I feel obliged.

I said earlier that he wanted to speak and when he came in tonight he said that he’s mulled it over and he isn’t happy. It transpires that MIL (and FIL when he was alive) helped BIL out a lot financially. My DH dealt with the finances in detail when his dad died and he found out that money has been given to BIL over the years. Even when he was in Australia. I’m not sure what for - DH knows but I don’t even want to press him on it. From what he’s said briefly it runs into at least 20k over the years.

DH has never been given a penny. He recalled needing money for a car repair when we were young (we were not living together or had any joint finances at this time and I didn’t know if this til tonight) and he was refused from his mil.

From what I can gather, this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. He was willing to accept that they’d helped his brother but for his mum to be so strange and controlling with a wedding gift has made him really sad.

It was only a short conversation but I think he feels like a weight has been lifted that he’s explained why he’s been so upset about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 20/03/2019 22:38

Refused from his mum...not his mil

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/03/2019 22:41

Urgh families I'm not surprised DH is incredibly hurt!

Thanks
Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 20/03/2019 22:51

Op you are very wrong to place obligations to mil above respecting your dh when he says you need to tell her no more lifts...
You aren't married to mil. ...
Imo..

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 20/03/2019 22:58

I get you easterbunny

I might feel obliged but she can fuck right off.

OP posts:
FlagranceDirect · 20/03/2019 23:09

I would definitely be backing away with regard to bringing her shopping, your DH helping around the house and whatever other favours she calls on you for

That might appear to her as if they wanted some of her money now, and as it's not forthcoming, there's no reward in helping her out.

ReggieWoo · 20/03/2019 23:10

Tell her you'll take her to the shop when she buys a new house for herself.

FlagranceDirect · 20/03/2019 23:16

That being said, I have never asked for or accepted any money from her

If that's the case, I don't understand why you want to start now.
The top and bottom of it is that for one reason or another mil has given bil ten grand and you think you ought to have the same, and if you don't get it you'll stop visiting her and helping her out.

timeisnotaline · 21/03/2019 06:02

It can appear to her however she wants to twist it- a more reasonable mil might remember all the help and support and realise that it’s not about the money per se. The ops dh is hurt at the unequal treatment, they absolutely don’t have to keep helping.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 21/03/2019 06:09

That might appear to her as if they wanted some of her money now, and as it's not forthcoming, there's no reward in helping her out.

Let it appear that way. You can't treat your children so drastically differently throughout their lives and expect no repercussions from it. I get that you would want to help them out when they need it, but OP's DH had asked for help previously from his Mother and been refused, all the while his Brother was receiving handouts. That's not fair and nor is it acceptable.

OP your poor DH sounds lovely. All you can do is let him back away and take his lead on this. You owe her nothing; you owe her no explanations, no entertainment, no shopping trips, nothing. If she wants to maintain some kind of a relationship from here it's up to her and your DH. I'd leave all the contact to him now.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 21/03/2019 08:42

@FlagranceDirect

We’re now talking about nearer to £40,000.

I think she’s acted despicably to be honest. She wants all the help and support we can provide her and she’s willing to leave DH out in the cold financially. Of course that’s her choice but it will also be ours to start to wind down contact.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/03/2019 09:00

Interesting thread. I can ser why your DH feels upset about this.

I think some people have a different view on wedding gifts, where the bride and groom have set up house and home and are fully established. Especially if they have DC.

As a mother myself, I think it would be unfair to give one child such a large amount towards their house deposit and nothing to other DC.

It would be different if I was giving one child, but at the time the other purchased a house I didn't have the funds and was still not in a position to do so.

In this case she can now afford to gift you £10k, but doesn't want to. Giving it towards your house would be equitable, but it seems she sees it as something you don't need and are managing fine.

That's not something I would feel comfortable with doing personally as a parent, because even if it was not the intention, I could see it may well cause resentment and the feeling of being unfair.

When Dsis got married, she got twice the amount I did towards a house purchase, but my DM/DFs financial situation was different, because DB and me bought our first homes at the same time, so they split the amount Dsis got between the two of us.

Anon10 · 21/03/2019 09:08

That’s ridiculously because if you move it will cost you more than £10,000 in stamp duty so would actually leave you worse off. Why can’t she gift you the money to put into your mortgage? Then it’s the same as contributing towards a new house without you having to move or lose money on moving costs.

woollyheart · 21/03/2019 09:14

Do you think she sees DH as the one who looks after her purely for love, and BIL as the one she has to look after?

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 21/03/2019 09:22

@woollyheart

I think DH thinks that she thinks he’s a mug who will do whatever she asks. I’ve rarely seen him so upset or angry. I think MIL has been a bit foolish. DH said last night that he’ll be telling her that she can rely on BIL for everything now. He said if she offers him the money he will refuse it.

OP posts:
greenlynx · 21/03/2019 09:47

She hopes to discuss this situation with you on Friday. I would avoid this, it’s your partner’s call. Tell her that you are busy.
And I’m agree with you, 10k was a gift towards the house. It could be for buying the house or towards paying of mortgage. In both cases it will go towards the house (new or existing). It doesn’t matter that you bought the house already. She had her reservations before about giving you money towards the house purchase as you were not married, it’s ok. But now you are getting married and she has a chance to make it equal. And your DP even asked her about this, but she refused. It looks unfair for me.

greenlynx · 21/03/2019 09:52

And I would take a break at least for a few days from seeing MIL or talking with her because clearly you both very upset, especially your husband (and rightly so). He needs to calm down a little bit and think it over.

FlagranceDirect · 21/03/2019 10:00

Of course that’s her choice but it will also be ours to start to wind down contact

I agree that, on the face of it, it seems unfair. But playing devil's advocate it will look to almost everyone that you've fallen out with her because she won't give you money. Especially to her, and then she'll think she made the right decision.

Rightly or wrongly.

ISpeakJive · 21/03/2019 10:01

Oh my goodness. This thread is very similar to another one involving two sisters and their mum. The mother treating one sister more favourably than the other.

Can’t believe some mother’s behave this way! I feel for your DH, OP!

movingornot · 21/03/2019 10:27

Don't worry about what it looks like to MIL or others. Your DH didn't ask her about the money in the first place and was happily getting on with his life. SHE brought it up only to dangle a carrot over his head that she never intended to give him- all the while adding pointless conditions and gloating that she'd given BIL much more money, string-free. He suggested a fair alternative and she shot him down for no apparent reason, so he must feel pretty crap bless him.

Yourself and your DH have been helping and supporting her for years without expecting anything in return whilst recently discovering that she's helped out your BIL to the tune of tens of thousands of pounds. Again, she hasn't even bothered to hide this disparity from your DH - in fact she seems to be almost revelling in him finding out he's not worthy in her eyes. Her own boy. What a sick fuck.

This is not about the money for you guys and I don't think anyone can say that it ever was. This is about a nasty, twisted bitch who wants to hurt her own son (who's done nothing but help her) and play divide and conquer between two brothers. It's not even about the money for her either - she's just playing power games. Who knows why?! But she couldn't have made it more obvious which son she favours so why on earth should she now expect to rely on the least favourite for help after deliberately hurting him so badly? Surely most people can see that the most logical thing for the DH and OP to do is sack that fucking old bitch off!

Follow your husbands lead OP. Any chance you guys could get BIL on side and get him to say to MIL that is she doesn't start treating your DH fairly, that she'll lose both sons?! Or is the promise of MIL financing him to strong to back his brother? If he won't help then I'd go no contact with the lot of them. She threatened not to come to your wedding ffs!

Sorry you're going through this. Favouritism and mind games from relatives make me so furious! Thanks

movingornot · 21/03/2019 10:28

Just a thought: she also may not have the money anymore and this is her weird way of trying to present it as impossible to give the same amount without having to admit she's in the shit?! Either way she shouldn't have brought it up and should do the decent thing and be honest...

FlagranceDirect · 21/03/2019 10:49

Just a thought: she also may not have the money anymore

This is what I've been thinking all along. We've always helped our children out but there comes a point after retirement when you realise your capital is finite and can't support much more of being whittled away. After that point, although you might appear to have plenty of cash in the bank, you have to be more circumspect about how and on what you spend it.
Maybe this mil gave the bil money at a point when she had no such worries. 10 years later her finances might not be in as good a shape.
And maybe she doesn't want to be honest about finer details of her bank account. After all, her own money is her own business.

SandyY2K · 21/03/2019 11:25

I think it's rather foolish of parents to behave like this. She's on her own now and in all honesty she needs you guys more than you need her.

Enough trust was placed in him to have POA and deal with other financials, but her offering a conditional gift in these circumstances comes across as disingenuous.

I don't believe there is anything genuine about it at all. You've never told her you want to move house. You're happy with where you live.

It's like me being offered money for a trip to Australia (no offence to Australians) when I've never expressed a desire to go there, don't have family there and don't like such lengthy flights.

She's done it to make it look like she's being fair (hoping you'll be fooled), but deep down she knows she isn't being fair and wants to ease her conscience.

timeisnotaline · 21/03/2019 11:34

Bils wedding was quite recent, if she doesn’t have the money and had already given him £30k a good mum would think oh no better not give every last cent I have to bil, my other son is getting married soon.
And it won’t look like like you fell out because she wouldn’t give you money to everyone, you look hurt , tell a couple of people that she said she wasn’t coming to our wedding or giving us any wedding present unless we move house - we love our house, we are hurt and don’t understand so it’s all a bit shit.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/03/2019 11:41

I’ve not read the whole thread but something similar has just happened to me.

I’ve decided to move house, as a result my dad (mum is in a nursing home with dementia), has given me 10k to help with the move. My db currently rents with no plans to move. My dad has just given him 10k ‘to do with as he wishes’ - OP this in my opinion, is how it should be done. Your DH family sound batshit from the little I’ve read