MIL and wedding

[tartantrewsweddingblues]

I’m really unsure how to write this post because I don’t want to come across as grabby but this has been playing on my mind and I’d like opinions rather than telling me what to do because I’m keeping my mouth firmly shut!

My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL got married last year and in the lead up to getting married decided that they wanted to move house. All good. It transpired that MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit. So far sooooo none of my business.

DP and I are getting married in July and we have two children. DP came home and told me that MIL has told him she’ll give us the same amount. I said that was lovely of her...DP seemed a bit nervous about something and I asked him to spill the beans. He said that she had told him the £10,000 would be given to us when we move house.

We aren’t moving house. We have no plans to move house. We are happy in the house we’re in. DP has told her this and she has said if she gave it to BIL for a house move then we will get it for the same reason.

I know a gift is a gesture she doesn’t have to provide but I feel a bit annoyed at the fact that she has put restrictions and constraints on it.

Before anyone asks, she’s well off and has not contributed in anyway to the wedding which will only have 13 guests. My parents have paid for the meal and have offered us money (without strings) as a gift.

I’ve said to my husband that we need to refuse the gift. I won’t be held to ransom for any sum of money and certainly won’t uproot myself for it. The house we live in is lovely and we don’t need to move.

Does anyone else find this strange? I won’t be broaching this with her but it has kind of clouded my feelings about her.

I think I can quite confidently say that anybody on here who is over 60 years old would never have had a penny from their parents unless their parents were landed gentry.
I think that quite a few of us over-60s would have had the bride’s parents pay for our weddings. Nothing to do with landed gentry! Just tradition.

Well done. You handled that just right

I think it was handled pretty badly. It's none of her business really.
None of her business at all. Husband's family, husband's business.

Absolutely out of order to think she can comment on her mother in law's financial decisions. It's clear to me that there is more to this post than meets the eye. I would never, in a million years, confront my mil about the fact that she's given loads more money to her daughter than she has her son.

It's her money! She can dole it out as she likes!
She didn't give any to us, she gave it to his sister!

Who fucking cares!? My husband would not even begin to dream about asking his mother why she gives money to his sister and not to him/us

. And I'm just his wife, not blood or his mother's direct family, so it would be ridiculous and inappropriate and completely out of order if I was to get a bit stroppy with his mother that she gave money to one of her children and not the others. It's none of my fucking business.

You have to do what we 60+ plus people have had to do.
Don't rely on parents to cough up their savings to pay your house deposit. Just save it up yourself. Forgo the shellac nails and the monthly payment to the gym and the eyebrow thing and the phone contract, and spotify. Save up the money until you have enough to buy what you want. That's what we had to do. And that's why we despair of young people today. Expecting ten grand to just fall in your lap.

I think that quite a few of us over-60s would have had the bride’s parents pay for our weddings. Nothing to do with landed gentry! Just tradition

Just me then. I was the bride but my parents didn't pay.
We saved up for it. £250 it cost, in 1976, Prolly twenty grand in today's money.

@FlagranceDirect you sound extremely bitter and your controlling attitude towards your 'hard-earned' money is doing you no favours.

Hats off to you, OP.

Putting aside all the money nonsense (that you’re rightfully hurt by), it sounds like you and your DH have made some very solid steps towards setting boundaries and communicating clearly. You thought carefully about the situation, elicited the views of others, let some time pass and then pulled on your big girl pants and laid it out calmly to her. You didn’t add drama or inflame anything, and you’ve got a lot to be proud of.

Since this thread has devolved a bit into ‘what’s earned and not earned’, I’d add that it’s your MIL’s turn to earn back some trust and respect. Time for her to put some serious thought into what she’s been doing, saying and plotting. She’s obviously not cut out to be any kind of Family Puppet Master. She’s now just sitting, alone with her strings cut, contemplating a very much less loving future of her own making.

A bit of ‘grey rock’ behaviour from your side of the family won’t do her any harm at all. Perhaps a short simple get-together at Easter and nothing much before?

Again, well done, and hope you and your DH cheer up soon. It’s a shock to find out how little your help is appreciated, no doubt.

I think you handled that well, OP.

Your MIL created this mess via the clear disparity in treatment between your DH and his brother. Brother is clearly the favoured child, to the tune of thousands of pounds, while you and your DH are relied upon to be there for her when she needs help and lifts. The 'pretend gift' to even things up a bit is, frankly, insulting. She gets to pretend she's treating your DH evenhandedly while not actually doing so, because she ensured the conditions would be too unreasonable for him to accept. Plus the money would have been completely wasted on taxes under her conditions! How ridiculous.

Let BIL and SIL sort her out. Or not. I would definitely be taking a step back for a while so she couldn't be in a position to hurt your DH any more with such blatant favouritism. Good enough to do chores and be lackeys, but brother just gets hand outs. Wow.

@FlagranceDirect

you sound extremely bitter and your controlling attitude towards your 'hard-earned' money is doing you no favours

Controlling attitude? Towards my own money? Well of course I have a controlling attitude towards my own hard earned money. Who else should I allow to control it?. . .anybody who wants a slice of it? And so would anyone who has more than ten grand but less than a hundred. My wealth is great to me but piffling to others.
My children would confirm to anybody that I'm extremely generous.
I can't take it with me and I give it unsparingly to my children when and if they need it. However, I would be monumentally pissed off if the spouse of one of my children started telling me what they think I should do with it and all the mistakes I've made when doling it out.
OP is not even blood related. I'd be zipping up my purse in the face of that. It would piss me off bigtime if some Johnny-come-lately who has no idea of our family history trotted up to tell me how I should have spent my money all these years. I didn't, just by good fortune, go for a walk in the woods one day and trip over a bag of money. I wasn't left it by my parents. I actually had to pay her debts off when my mother died. I didn't have to, legally, but thought it was the right thing to do, morally. I went to work, and earned it, and saved it up. I didn't spend it on the latest fad, I didn't buy In to shellac nails and ridiculous eyebrows or the latest iPhone. That might have left me sadly unfashionable, but it also left me with some money to save. And now I'm bitter and controlling because I'm careful with it? retired, and haven't the earning capacity that I used to. so it's not going to grow any bigger?
I don't want to give it all away and end up with nothing.
I want to be a few quid in the black when I die. So the children get left something.
So of course I've a controlling attitude toward my own money and
I really can't see how that's a bad thing - unless you are of the opinion that your childrens' spouses should have entitlement to their in-laws cash.. My children often urge me to spend it on myself, which I rarely do. But what I do with my own money is still my call.

Of course I control what I spend, on what and whom. I'd have none left otherwise. Everyone who has a bank account has to oversee and control it. Not sure it's an 'attitude'. It's what you have to do to stay solvent.

As an over 60, my parents paid nothing towards my wedding (my choice), and nothing towards house purchases - they couldn't afford a house of their own, never mind help anyone else, so I didn't ask.

But my siblings were the same. None of us were offered money and none of us asked for it.

It is the difference in how you treat your children that causes the problem. It is the self sufficient child who feels less entitled to parent's money who is forgotten. While the entitled spoiled one milks the parent for all they are worth.

You were right to point this out even though this isn't your parent. She is already relying on your services to ferry her about, so you have already been recruited in the rank of giver.

@FlagranceDirect The OP isn't waiting for ten grand for a deposit to 'fall into her lap'. She and her partner already own their own home. The offer of the money was made by the MiL, with strings attached. It wasn't asked for.

The offer of the money was made by the MiL, with strings attached. It wasn't asked for.

Saved!

The offer of the money was made by the MiL, with strings attached. It wasn't asked for

I'd just turn it down then. No need for a song and dance. I really do understand that they feel badly done by, but don't give mil the drama.
I'd just let it sweep gently by as if nothing had happened. I wouldn't withdraw support or contact either. It's usually more effective to ignore bad behaviour than rail against it. Like dealing with a toddler tantrum. Don't react. Just carry on like nothing happened.
It's always worked for me, anyway. Just stay cool with it in your own head.

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Oops! Editing slip in previous post.

@FlagranceDirect my DH was/is very hurt that his DSIS has been consistently favoured over him, her DC favoured over ours in both time and money. Favouritism hurts full stop.

We have had £100 wedding gift from PIL, his DSIS has had thousands. Yeah he's made his peace with it but he isn't going to keep putting himself in a position to get hurt by them so we took a big step back.

His sister dropped her parents as soon as she got a new partner after divorcing the daily phone calls are occasional texts, stopped bothering to meet up. Basically she dropped her Mum as her best friend once she wasn't needed anymore 🤷🏽‍♀️still demands baby sitting favours, gave away the pedigree pet she got MIL to fund...

Sorry not read the whole thread, but 10k won’t even cover fees and stamp duty? So her money wouldn’t go into bricks and mortar at all!