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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and wedding

289 replies

tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 20:27

I’m really unsure how to write this post because I don’t want to come across as grabby but this has been playing on my mind and I’d like opinions rather than telling me what to do because I’m keeping my mouth firmly shut!

My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL got married last year and in the lead up to getting married decided that they wanted to move house. All good. It transpired that MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit. So far sooooo none of my business.

DP and I are getting married in July and we have two children. DP came home and told me that MIL has told him she’ll give us the same amount. I said that was lovely of her...DP seemed a bit nervous about something and I asked him to spill the beans. He said that she had told him the £10,000 would be given to us when we move house.

We aren’t moving house. We have no plans to move house. We are happy in the house we’re in. DP has told her this and she has said if she gave it to BIL for a house move then we will get it for the same reason.

I know a gift is a gesture she doesn’t have to provide but I feel a bit annoyed at the fact that she has put restrictions and constraints on it.

Before anyone asks, she’s well off and has not contributed in anyway to the wedding which will only have 13 guests. My parents have paid for the meal and have offered us money (without strings) as a gift.

I’ve said to my husband that we need to refuse the gift. I won’t be held to ransom for any sum of money and certainly won’t uproot myself for it. The house we live in is lovely and we don’t need to move.

Does anyone else find this strange? I won’t be broaching this with her but it has kind of clouded my feelings about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 17:27

@Sindragosan

My BIL lived in Australia for a couple of years (his daughter was still here). When FIL died he came
Back for funeral and went back to Australia about 10 days after the funeral. DPand I helped MIL with the practicalities of FIL’s estate and affairs - not to mention the emotional support we gave her. As I said before, DH has POA for his mum and is named as her executor. He still sorts a lot out for mil - will look for best deals for gas/energy/insurances. She is not short of a bob or two by any means (pretty wealthy in fact) but he helps her out a lot in this way and I do things for her like take her shopping etc. I should add that I don’t ask for or expect anything for this. What I do expect is that she treats her son like his brother.

My BIL isn’t as involved as DH. He tends to go round to visit every couple of sundays but doesn’t involve himself in the way at DH does. And his wife, my SiL, isn’t really involved from what I can see. DH and I have been together for a LONG time and BIL and SIL have been together about 4 years all in (split up a few times)

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 17:28

Btw I can’t bash my BIL at all. He’s a nice guy. He just has a different, far less involved relationship with his mum.

OP posts:
GoldenEvilHoor · 19/03/2019 18:24

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NancyPickford · 19/03/2019 18:30

There was a good suggestion up the thread saying when you pick her up on Friday for shopping (IF you pick her up), that once you get her in the car ask why she's saying she's not coming to the wedding? Then keep a silence, and see what happens.

Twisique · 19/03/2019 19:28

I would take her shopping to see what she had to say about it all, then I would have a think about how I would want to move forward.

cptartapp · 19/03/2019 19:40

PIL gave SIL and BIL £10k for their house deposit on the proviso they didn't live together beforehand, me and DH did, so we got nothing. They also paid in full for SIL wedding, we got nothing.
This was many years ago, the favouritism has since extended to GC. They think I dont see or remember but I do. It's very hurtful for DH.

RomanyQueen1 · 19/03/2019 19:45

Gosh that is strange, but are you sure she doesn't just mean the money is for something significant.
If I give my grown up dc anything I note the same for the others. They may not get it to spend willy nilly but if they need a cash injection/ help, then it's there.
my eldest had 3k towards windows in their new home, the others get the same for windows or anything else they need 3k for.

iolaus · 19/03/2019 20:00

Give her a lift to the shops on Friday, preferably those a distance away

Then drive home - she only asked for a lift THERE

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 20:14

I said I wouldn't give anything more than a bog standard gift to a couple with children.

So if one of your children is a parent and one isn’t then the child who isn’t is more deserving than than the one who is? ConfusedShockHmm

But you don’t treat them differently @GoldenEvilHoor . No of course you don’t Confused

OP posts:
GoldenEvilHoor · 19/03/2019 20:30

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Dextrodependant · 19/03/2019 20:48

Do you live in the same town? Is she hoping to entice you into moving closer perhaps?

NaturalBornWoman · 19/03/2019 20:58

So if one of your children is a parent and one isn’t then the child who isn’t is more deserving than than the one who is?

Why are you being so obtuse? You are at a different life stage as an established couple with a family and don't need a 10k leg up at this time. If you buy your eldest a car when they pass their test will you give the younger one the same amount of money at the same time, just for nothing, or will you wait until they pass their test and buy them a car? Thereby treating them the same. It's the same thing. You are being petulant because you are envious and want money now. Quite nasty actually.

Soontobe60 · 19/03/2019 21:07

In my circle of friends we have helped our children out at different stages e.g. Dd1 gave some money towards house deposit. Gave some money a couple if years later towards wedding. Nothing at that time to DD2.
DD2 just bought a house, we gave money towards the deposit. Getting married this year, again gifting some money towards it.
Neither DD would expect to gave been given money for no other reason than to not feel left out.
I think YABU,

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 21:26

@NaturalBornWoman

I don’t think I’m being nasty or obtuse. If you do then that’s up to you. Typical mumsnet that you can’t question anything without being the names you’ve mentioned 🙄 However, i haven’t changed my mind that my MIL is deliberately making sure DH isn’t going to be given anything as a wedding present which to me just seems vile. She’s been clear that is we don’t move house then she’ll give him nothing. Bonkers. Even after he’s asked her about paying off the mortgage.

He said to me tonight that he’ll be dialling down the help he provides her and support available. He’s a busy hardworking guy and I think this has proved his brother is more worthy in his mum’s eyes.

OP posts:
NaturalBornWoman · 19/03/2019 21:38

Typical mumsnet that you can’t question anything without being the names you’ve mentioned 🙄 However, i haven’t changed my mind that my MIL is deliberately making sure DH isn’t going to be given anything as a wedding present which to me just seems vile.

Well I don't know why you asked AIBU because you clearly don't want to hear that you are and 'typical Mumsnet' to wind everyone up over the evil MIL. I think it's vile to expect 10k of someone else's money when you don't need it, so there we are. And I'm on the thread, no need to @ me.

GoldenEvilHoor · 19/03/2019 21:47

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IHeartMarmiteToast · 19/03/2019 21:55

Nope. She offered £10k if they moved house so son said can we pay it off the mortgage instead. He didn't pluck the convo out of thin air.

Alwayscheerful · 19/03/2019 22:06

Such is the tone of discussion OP that you would not be receiving a penny of my money, perhaps Mother in law is biding her time until she decides how to play it.

BackforGood · 19/03/2019 22:28

I think it would be really interesting to hear the MiL's take on this.
So many posters ahve made some really good point - but the OP doesn't like it because it doesn't give her the answer she is looking for. I think that NaturalBrnWoman and GoldenEvilHoor have made good points. It is interesting that, despite me asking twice, OP hasn't answered if there was any help when they (or her dh) first bought their property. I'm like others - I don't consider treating my dc fairly, as being the same thing at all as "giving them the same thing at the same time".

BitOfFun · 19/03/2019 23:18

I believe the OP said that they'd had no previous financial help from MlL, beyond the gift of some cushions and a bedspread when they bought their first flat.

cstaff · 19/03/2019 23:55

I actually think your mil is being very unfair on your dh. You are all in similar circumstances, newly weds, just starting out where 10k would be very useful to all involved. I have 3 siblings and one of them gets into financial difficulties every so often and goes running to my folks for a lend / hand out. If and when they do help him they make a point of handing us all a cheque for the same amount and it all comes down to fairness in their case. The last thing they want to cause is a row amongst us.

NaturalBornWoman · 20/03/2019 06:48

I actually think your mil is being very unfair on your dh. You are all in similar circumstances, newly weds, just starting out where 10k would be very useful to all involved

Have you read the thread? OP isn't a 'newly wed' just starting out she has an established family and owns a house she describes as lovely which she neither needs nor wants to upgrade. She wants and feels entitled to 10k from her MIL right now just because her BIL is getting help with a house deposit at the start of his marriage.

GarthFunkel · 20/03/2019 07:29

If there's really a 10K bounty going for buying a house, why didn't weren't you offered it when you bought your first, or second or third house? Because otherwise it seems it's just a favourite child bounty.

averythinline · 20/03/2019 07:39

I feel for your DH - its the money as an indicator of relationship feelingg- and if he steps back maybe it is BIL golden child DH scapegoat sort of relationship - and there is nothing he could do that would alter that.... (have a look at out of the fog website)

Dialling down the help is a good idea, I wouldn't be taking her to the shops - either dont respond or just say can't cause I'm busy..
she does sound like shes being quite manipulative

Step back reduce any expectations - plan and enjoy your wedding Grin your own way..

cstaff · 20/03/2019 10:09

I would definitely be backing away with regard to bringing her shopping, your DH helping around the house and whatever other favours she calls on you for. It probably wont change anything financially but it may make her realise how hurtful she has been.