Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and wedding

289 replies

tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 20:27

I’m really unsure how to write this post because I don’t want to come across as grabby but this has been playing on my mind and I’d like opinions rather than telling me what to do because I’m keeping my mouth firmly shut!

My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL got married last year and in the lead up to getting married decided that they wanted to move house. All good. It transpired that MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit. So far sooooo none of my business.

DP and I are getting married in July and we have two children. DP came home and told me that MIL has told him she’ll give us the same amount. I said that was lovely of her...DP seemed a bit nervous about something and I asked him to spill the beans. He said that she had told him the £10,000 would be given to us when we move house.

We aren’t moving house. We have no plans to move house. We are happy in the house we’re in. DP has told her this and she has said if she gave it to BIL for a house move then we will get it for the same reason.

I know a gift is a gesture she doesn’t have to provide but I feel a bit annoyed at the fact that she has put restrictions and constraints on it.

Before anyone asks, she’s well off and has not contributed in anyway to the wedding which will only have 13 guests. My parents have paid for the meal and have offered us money (without strings) as a gift.

I’ve said to my husband that we need to refuse the gift. I won’t be held to ransom for any sum of money and certainly won’t uproot myself for it. The house we live in is lovely and we don’t need to move.

Does anyone else find this strange? I won’t be broaching this with her but it has kind of clouded my feelings about her.

OP posts:
NannyRed · 17/03/2019 20:59

Just pay for your own wedding and know you have the moral high ground.

Don’t be bullied into moving for a cash reward.

Is your partners brother moving nearer to his mum by any chance?

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/03/2019 21:00

Sounds to me that your MIL has a favourite son and your DP ain't him. She showers money on the Golden Child and comes up with a spurious reason to the Scapegoat as to why he is being treated differently. I expect if you gave it any thought, you could come up with several occasions where she has done similar.

You have no need to refuse the gift - it will never materialise.

Flowersintheatticconversion · 17/03/2019 21:00

So if dd 2 doesn’t have the same life event then she won’t get anything ivy ?

GuineaPiglet345 · 17/03/2019 21:01

My PIL only ever give gifts with strings attached and we’ve learned to always get the cash upfront off them because sometimes they ‘forget’ they’ve offered to pay for something after we’ve already ordered/paid for it (think expensive building work we couldn’t afford until they offered to pay for it) or for things we don’t really want, like a gift card for a supermarket that doesn’t do online deliveries and the closest one is 2 towns away, when we always get an online delivery so we don’t have to spend our weekend in a supermarket.

My side of the family however always give cash and say spend it on what you like, it might be less than PILs give but it’s always appreciated so much more.

Nearlythere1 · 17/03/2019 21:02

People with lots of money often love nothing more to gift it with strings attached. It's a power thing!

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 17/03/2019 21:02

Maybe look at is as a lucky escape.
Bet she is planning on choosing the deco for 'her' second house.
And reaping the rewards if they sell.
Investment +interest....
In her dotage be glad dh isn't the golden dc....

ChicCroissant · 17/03/2019 21:03

As I understand it, you won't be getting the money because you are not moving, so you don't need to turn it down?

You seem upset that she has not contributed to the wedding, that's a different issue to the house deposit/expenses one - don't merge the two would be my advice! No reason to make a big - and unnecessary - drama out of turning down money you won't even be getting because you are absolutely fine where you are and not moving.

wafflyversatile · 17/03/2019 21:06

Is it that she wants you to move and will reward you with 10k to do her bidding or is it that she gave her son 10k to help when buying a house/moving especially as it came at an expensive time. If you are ever buying a more expensive house she'll do the same was she saying that had you been buying a house she would have given you money. She gave her son that for the house not for getting married.

burritofan · 17/03/2019 21:07

I'm in the minority but I don't find this strange. My parents gave my sister money for a house deposit. They gave me money for a house deposit – seven years later when I was ready to buy. A couple of years later our other sister was given the same amount for the same reason. The money was handed out for a specific purpose at specific times, not out of control but because that was the gift: house money.

It's MIL's money to give as she chooses. She wants to give you £10k worth of house, that's the gift; not £10k.

However if you still have a mortgage to pay off, it does seem reasonable for your DP to ask if you could use the £10k to increase the equity in your property; no different from BIL's deposit, just a bit later down the line. Or put towards improvements: a new kitchen or bathroom.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 17/03/2019 21:08

My parents helped DH and I out in a fairly big way some years back when we really needed help. They gave my brother and sister exactly the same amount. Neither of them had the same issue and neither ‘needed’ it (in fact one was extremely wealthy) but my parents felt strongly that do for one do for all and I have huge respect for them for that.

See, personally, I think that's weird. My brother recently started a business and my parents gave him a significant sum to do this: I didn't expect, and would have been very surprised, if they'd randomly given me the same as a lump sum for no particular reason. A decade ago they gave me quite a bit of money for living expenses when I did my MA - should they have given my brother the same? He was only 17 at the time!

I think you give equally but by need - so they can both have house deposits or weddings paid for, but that doesn't mean they both get the money when the first one gets married.

That said, what I find odd and off about the OP's situation is that her DH has already bought a house, seemingly without being offered a deposit, and now he's getting married without being offered the money his brother got for that - so they are having the same life events and he's not being offered the same. I do think that's wrong and I can see why he'd be very hurt.

ivykaty44 · 17/03/2019 21:11

Flowers

But what if dd2 has a different life event and I gift money, then dd1 doesn’t have that life event?

Who knows, but I could afford to give dd2 the cash at the same time. On this occasion it was about dd1

Not everything is always equal

Findingthingstough18 · 17/03/2019 21:11

I can't even imagine quite how it works in a 'you must give not just the same, but at the same time' family. My brother had his first child a couple of years before me and my parents paid for an expensive pram. Should I have got a cheque for the price of a pram? And then, presumably, a couple of years later when I had DS my parents should have explained that they wouldn't buy anything for him because I'd already had my money? Is that really what people do?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 17/03/2019 21:16

My DF gave my DB £5000 when he had his first child, he's done the same for us, I'm not sure what he would've done if I didn't have children. He and DM also paid the legal fees on our first house purchases, bought our sofas and dining furniture and first nursery furniture so it's all been equal. They also paid my tuition fees (back when they were £1200 not today's rates) and gave DB the same towards tools etc when he started his engineering apprenticeship as he didn't go to uni. So they have given us money for the same things, but our lives have been similar in those respects. Our parents are more likely to give money towards something they see as an investment or as a well done eg for saving and buying or first houses. They bought my veil and some very nice wedding shoes and DF bought champagne for all the guests at our main wedding abroad but they didn't pay for the wedding (not that I would expect that in any way they've been very generous and are working class people who've worked and saved hard they're not exceptionally wealthy)

Flowersintheatticconversion · 17/03/2019 21:18

ivy I’m talking about the same life event dd1 recently got the money for as that’s what you mentioned.

Pinkyyy · 17/03/2019 21:22

Just politely decline it. In the grand scheme of things, 10k is not enough money to move house for.

Kintan · 17/03/2019 21:24

That is very odd behaviour of your MiL. My parents paid for my wedding and helped us out while I was doing my PhD. A few years later my Dad gave my brother a cheque for the same amount for him to do with as he wished. Your MiL clearly has some kind of hidden agenda.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 17/03/2019 21:25

It seems odd that your PIL have given for your BIL's life events (house purchase and wedding) but not yours. You have obviously already bought a house and are getting married. I think that's what would make me upset.

In the case that maybe they have come into money more recently, then I would think that a big gift like £10,000 should be given equally; for BIL's new house purchase and 'backdated' to go towards your mortgage or house renovations because you've already bought a home. Alternatively if you were likely to move again soon, then that might make sense that they would offer it to you, but clearly you have no intention of moving any time soon.

I think BIL is the golden child. We have this too.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 21:26

She gave her son that for the house not for getting married.

No it was made clear that it was his wedding present and it tied in nicely.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 17/03/2019 21:27

I don’t really see it as controlling, but mil wanting to help in a certain situation. She doesn’t want it to be frittered away on incidentals, but want the money used for a life event. She’s trying to be helpful.

Maybe have a conversation that you have no plans to move, so could you have the money to pay off part of the mortgage?

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/03/2019 21:28

Speaking from the other side of the equation, any money I have is the result of being frugal in earlier years. So if I give to my DC, it definitely is going to have strings attached! I'm happy to give for house deposit, driving lessons/first car, education - but not to enable expensive holidays that I forwent myself.

BackforGood · 17/03/2019 21:28

I agree with LisaSimpson Findingthingstough and others

My parents did what they could to help each of us, as and when any of us needed help, not by giving any of us an equal sum of money just because they had supported one of our siblings. As Finding said - things like a pram for the eldest dc was a lovely gift at the time, but would have been weird to have given the other siblings and equivalent cheque at the time - apart from which, it would then have meant they didn't have the money later, when it would have been nice to have that gift.

sparkling123 · 17/03/2019 21:30

It is strange but maybe in your MIL mind the cost of moving house is one of those extortionate costs and she genuinely feels sorry for your BIL and SIL for having to stump it up.
And she genuinely will give you the money if you were in the same situation, but she doesn't want to give you the 10k as just what she will see as 'spending money'.
I get why you think it is weird but just seeing it from your MIL point of view, and knowing that my Mum is also a bit like this and only likes giving money gifts that she thinks are useful and purposeful and has waited years between giving me and brother money gifts of equal value so that we only get them for important things (house/study/children etc). She is just incredibly careful with her money and expects us to be as well, I think it was her way of teaching us about money.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 21:31

I’ve spoken to DP and he said she’s been adamant that we won’t get anything if we’re not moving house.

So there you have it. One son gets £16,000 and the other gets nothing. For the same life event.

OP posts:
brownjumper · 17/03/2019 21:36

Why don't you say, thanks for the money, we will use it to pay £10k off our mortgage. Then it is for the same reason.

MortyVicar · 17/03/2019 21:36

The other didn't get £16,000 and the other nothing for the same event. He got £6,000 for the wedding, and on that one I think it depends on whether they asked her for it - in which case you could do the same - or if she offered with no prompting and hasn't done for you, which I would say is a bit off.

However on the house what she's saying isn't inherently unfair. It seems that way to you and DP because you love where you live, have no plans to move any time soon, and possibly can't see yourselves ever moving, so I suspect you feel like she's making a promise she's never (and maybe she believes she's never) going to be called on to honour.