Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and wedding

289 replies

tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 20:27

I’m really unsure how to write this post because I don’t want to come across as grabby but this has been playing on my mind and I’d like opinions rather than telling me what to do because I’m keeping my mouth firmly shut!

My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL got married last year and in the lead up to getting married decided that they wanted to move house. All good. It transpired that MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit. So far sooooo none of my business.

DP and I are getting married in July and we have two children. DP came home and told me that MIL has told him she’ll give us the same amount. I said that was lovely of her...DP seemed a bit nervous about something and I asked him to spill the beans. He said that she had told him the £10,000 would be given to us when we move house.

We aren’t moving house. We have no plans to move house. We are happy in the house we’re in. DP has told her this and she has said if she gave it to BIL for a house move then we will get it for the same reason.

I know a gift is a gesture she doesn’t have to provide but I feel a bit annoyed at the fact that she has put restrictions and constraints on it.

Before anyone asks, she’s well off and has not contributed in anyway to the wedding which will only have 13 guests. My parents have paid for the meal and have offered us money (without strings) as a gift.

I’ve said to my husband that we need to refuse the gift. I won’t be held to ransom for any sum of money and certainly won’t uproot myself for it. The house we live in is lovely and we don’t need to move.

Does anyone else find this strange? I won’t be broaching this with her but it has kind of clouded my feelings about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 18/03/2019 14:51

@CherryPavlova

My BIL does have a child. He had a daughter with an ex girlfriend when he was about 18. I didn’t think this was of any relevance but since you seem to think it is I thought I’d bring it up. We have a niece who is 16. So my MIL has contributed to a wedding when there is a child involved...with an ex girlfriend no less! Heaven forfend.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 18/03/2019 15:03

OK maybe she doesn’t think children are the issue. Maybe she just sees you as somewhat rude when disagreed with?

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 18/03/2019 15:09

After posting this last night and reading the responses I spoke with DH and he decided to call his mum today and clarify what was going on.

He has clarified that she gave £10k as a wedding gift to BIL (I.e if they weren’t getting married she wouldn’t have given them money for a house) and if we do not buy a house she won’t give us anything.

DH said to her that we live in a lovely house and won’t be moving (possibly ever) and she said she likes the idea of money towards a house at which point my DH pointed out that he could pay some of the mortgage off with an equal gift or put it towards perhaps building an extension or use it for redecorating the house or updating the kitchen. She said no it needs to be new house.

My DH told her again that he will not be doing that and he expects nothing from her despite giving his brother £16k. He said that she stammered and stuttered at this and said well perhaps I won’t be at your wedding. He told her that this is entirely her decision.

He also said to me today that she had offered to pay for our children’s outfits for the wedding and was going to surprise me after I’d bought them. I didn’t realise this and have bought the outfits in the past couple of weeks. He said to his mum that the two outfits together totalled £90 (I haven’t bought their shoes yet) and she said she wouldn’t spend £80 on two children’s outfits. Now the kids are normally dressed in H&M, Zara, M&S etc so not extravagant but I’d bought their outfits from Monsoon.

I’m in agreement that she must have a problem with either me, DH or both of us. I don’t even think I can be arsed even trying to find out what it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 18/03/2019 15:11

@CherryPavlova

I’m not sure if you’ve rtft but I haven’t said a word to her on this and my DH hasn’t mentioned me to her.

OP posts:
GoldenEvilHoor · 18/03/2019 15:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Sindragosan · 18/03/2019 15:22

Clearly has an issue with one or both of you, especially if she is threatening not to come to the wedding.

My mum is like this - justifies preferential treatment by arguing that if you met certain conditions she'd do the same, and if you actually managed to meet the conditions she'd not pay up as it wasn't her choice of colour / size / whatever.

There is nothing you can do except not play her game and don't go chasing after what you're never going to get. Meet any offer with polite non-interest and carry on life as normal.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 18/03/2019 15:29

@Sindragosan

We have been together for years and supported MIL when my FIL died. I thought we were close. This is perhaps what @CherryPavlova has missed. I’ve been with DH for what seems like an eon and have been there for MIL when she needed me most. No piece of paper saying we’re married would have made me act any differently. BIL and SIL have split up about 10 times and have even though they’ve “sealed the deal” it’s still a bit up and down. So I don’t think marriage is always an indicator of total commitment 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
SunnySideDownBriefly · 18/03/2019 15:29

It's because she wants to be in control. She doesn't want to pay for anything that she hasn't had control over - you'd already bought both of those things without her having any say in it.

As hard as it seems, you're better off not taking any money from her. Money = Power in her book and that doesn't feel good.

I really hope you don't feel too hurt by her. It''s so her, not you.

crosstalk · 18/03/2019 15:36

What with buying, selling and moving you could spend the best part of ten K anyway. Your MIL sounds weird, OP, and not in a good way.

julensaor · 18/03/2019 17:08

Probably not going to be the best response you get on this thread but going to throw it in there anyway because of a comment you made yourself OP. Don't expect money from anyone and you will live a free life. Ultimately it is between him and his mother and just listen to him and help him come to terms with what does sound massively unfair, but stay clean of it yourself. In your own words, don't be arsed about it yourself.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 18/03/2019 19:10

@julensaor

That’s what I’m going to do. I think my DH is pretty gutted about it. She’s dangled a carrot in front of him and placed conditions on it. I feel upset on his behalf that he feels like his brother has been treated favourably to the tune of £16k and he’ll be lucky to get a card.

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 18/03/2019 19:15

In fact I’ll have to pit a face on it because she texted me about an hour ago asking me to take her to the shops on Friday.

I have a feeling I could be cutting these requests dead soon.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 18/03/2019 19:29

Aren't you meeting a friend Fri op?
We uninvited mil from our wedding.
Was the best day ever.

Yours has just gone up a notch too op.

Iloveacurry · 18/03/2019 19:33

You’re busy Friday right?

SecretMillionaire · 18/03/2019 19:35

I’d be unavailable all day on Friday. There’s some nerve even to ask.

cstaff · 18/03/2019 19:38

I think you have a lot of busy days coming up OP regarding your mil. I'm really sorry to hear about the way she is treating you and your DH. It does seem really harsh especially on your partner as it is his mum.

RandomMess · 18/03/2019 19:48

Clear favouritism and control. I would step so far back I'd be running for the hills!

Thanks
burritofan · 18/03/2019 19:50

Or you could see Friday as a chance to talk to her face to face about the offer she made and what the conditions are…

GetStrongKeepFighting · 18/03/2019 19:52

I'd actually go and help her on Friday. See if she brings it up. See if she realises how unfair and ridiculous she has been. Then dependant on her, no more help or it's all sorted.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 18/03/2019 19:57

she stammered and stuttered at this and said well perhaps I won’t be at your wedding.

To recap:
she has threatened not to go to your wedding and now wants a lift to the shop... Shock

Outrageous behaviour.
I vote you pick her up and once she’s trapped in the car say “DP said you threatened to not come to the wedding. We’ve always had a good relationship and both of us have always supported you - what exactly happened there then?”
And then silence....
Let her explain/squirm.

She sounds controlling but I’d challenge her on it...

also her reasoning is plain stupid
the 10k to move would just be swallowed up by moving costs and stamp duty Confused 10k down a mortgage is a way better use.

Also even if she gave you 10 it’s not 16 - I find the blatant favouritism mind blowing

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 18/03/2019 19:59

What would I say to her?

I really don’t know if me getting involved so directly would be helpful.

OP posts:
burritofan · 18/03/2019 20:05

Wait, I didn't see your recent update about the not coming to the wedding/children's outfits. I rescind my post! Fuck her. You're busy on Friday… and FOREVER.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 18/03/2019 20:29

Ywbu to ever be in this bloody awful woman's company ever again op.

GPatz · 18/03/2019 20:54

@CherryPavlova

I don't think you are beyond being rather rude when disagreed with either.

CherryPavlova · 18/03/2019 21:00

@GPatz, really? I suspect that depends on your view of rudeness. I do try not to be.