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Original poster

MIL and wedding

289 replies

tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 20:27

I’m really unsure how to write this post because I don’t want to come across as grabby but this has been playing on my mind and I’d like opinions rather than telling me what to do because I’m keeping my mouth firmly shut!

My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL got married last year and in the lead up to getting married decided that they wanted to move house. All good. It transpired that MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit. So far sooooo none of my business.

DP and I are getting married in July and we have two children. DP came home and told me that MIL has told him she’ll give us the same amount. I said that was lovely of her...DP seemed a bit nervous about something and I asked him to spill the beans. He said that she had told him the £10,000 would be given to us when we move house.

We aren’t moving house. We have no plans to move house. We are happy in the house we’re in. DP has told her this and she has said if she gave it to BIL for a house move then we will get it for the same reason.

I know a gift is a gesture she doesn’t have to provide but I feel a bit annoyed at the fact that she has put restrictions and constraints on it.

Before anyone asks, she’s well off and has not contributed in anyway to the wedding which will only have 13 guests. My parents have paid for the meal and have offered us money (without strings) as a gift.

I’ve said to my husband that we need to refuse the gift. I won’t be held to ransom for any sum of money and certainly won’t uproot myself for it. The house we live in is lovely and we don’t need to move.

Does anyone else find this strange? I won’t be broaching this with her but it has kind of clouded my feelings about her.

OP posts:
moaningitsabingthing · 17/03/2019 21:38

I don’t think it’s entirely odd. We had to replace our roof and as we were getting quotes DH told me that his parents had offered to contribute 50% of the cost. I said that was very generous but to politely say no. However, they were keen to help as unknown to us they had helped SIL years earlier in some unexpected business costs. We gratefully accepted their offer and it has never been mentioned since. It was a generous act, not controlling at all. They saw a need and they helped. I have no idea if they’ve helped SIL since and have no wish to know.

Perhaps if in the future you have a particular need they’ll help. Though I think it’s a bit unfair to help with the costs of your BIL’s wedding and not yours.

itsbritneybiatches · 17/03/2019 21:38

Would she let
You have it for an extension? Just curious?

ChicCroissant · 17/03/2019 21:38

I don't see it as the same life event though - yes, you are getting married as your BIL did but you are not planning to move at the same time and he was. The moving came before the £10k. Or are you convinced that she was giving him £10k anyway? Because that seems unlikely from what you've said so far, she may have said it was his wedding present but it was for the house costs and nothing else really.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 21:43

My MIL has been clear with BIL and DH that the £10k was a wedding gift and it was good that it tied into them moving house. I can’t be clearer on this.

So DH and i are expected to accept a gift on the same terms which just seems bonkers.

I’m going to tell DH to message her and say we’ll take the 10k to pay off the mortgage and if she needs proof she can see the statements Grin

OP posts:
BackforGood · 17/03/2019 21:46

I'll ask again - when you bought the house you live in, did his parents help out at all at that point ?

Laiste · 17/03/2019 21:47

MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit.

MIL has been clear with BIL and DH that the £10k was a wedding gift

Which one is it OP?!

BasiliskStare · 17/03/2019 21:51

My parents have given my DB and SIL a relatively large amount of money to move house. I did not get a penny. But then I am living in a small but nice house - I am not thinking of moving. DF has said he will change his will to take that amount out and give it to me ( but but but - the likelihood is that will all disappear on care costs ) I can't get too worked up by it. My DB and SIL needed the money more and my parents could not easily afford to just give us all the same amount. It is their money not mine. I can see why they have done it. It has made a big difference to my brother and his wife. And DH and I have always had a bit of a - shift for yourself type attitude so seriously I do not expect to be given any money & because my Dad explained why he was doing it I don't feel less valued by him & my mother .

FrozenMargarita17 · 17/03/2019 21:51

So has she picked a house for you then?! Haha.

So bizarre. Just politely decline it. It is unfair. And shit. But she sounds controlling and there's no way I'd ever give someone that leverage to use.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 17/03/2019 21:52

Your MIL clearly favours your BIL. Her terms are ridiculous. I would be sad if I were your DH, too.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 21:53

@Laiste

It was both

It was £10k to help with the house deposit that was given as the wedding present.

OP posts:
Whatsername7 · 17/03/2019 21:57

I agree thst you should ask her to make the payment off ypur existing mortgage. That way, it is win win.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 22:00

I think it just beggars belief to me that when you have two sons who both get married within a matter of months and you give one £16,000 (and the £10k was the present before I have to explain it again 🙈) and you give the other nothing.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/03/2019 22:01

It's MIL's money to give as she chooses. She wants to give you £10k worth of house, that's the gift; not £10k.

Exactly. You talk about ‘refusing the gift’, but there’s nothing to refuse. She’s offered £10k towards it if you want to move house. You don’t, so there’s no money. Moving house is the purpose of the gift, not a condition of it. You make it sound like it’s part of contract you’d have to fulfill before you receive the money.

I think what you’re really upset about is her contributing to their wedding but not yours. Has your fiancé raised this with her?

BunsOfAnarchy · 17/03/2019 22:03

I cant quite get the context from reading this, so completely objectively i would say;

  1. It sounds like your wedding is tiny in comparison to your BILs and therefore doesnt warrant a 5 figure sum for a gift from her.
  2. She likely wants to see her money go on a substantial spend such as a deposit on a house. And not just 10k in the bank IYSWIM.
The BIL almost needed that money. If you guys don't need it, she probably won't part with it till then. If the context is that she is saying she will gift your DH the money when he NEEDS it then its fine. She didnt exactly give it to your BIL for giggles. In think there's nothing wrong with that. I cant see my mum and dad giving me 10k for no reason just because they helped out my sibling.
StillCoughingandLaughing · 17/03/2019 22:04

the £10k was the present before I have to explain it again 🙈

£10k TOWARDS A HOUSE was the present. Maybe someone needs to explain it again to you!

burritofan · 17/03/2019 22:08

and you give the other nothing.
Not nothing; £10k is still and presumably always will be on the table. BIL has his £10k now because he needed it for a deposit. As you and your DP already own, you don't have the same need, so it makes sense to say "it's here when you need it [to climb the property ladder]". She's not to know you don't plan to!

BunsOfAnarchy · 17/03/2019 22:09

To add, my parents have always given money to help towards a house for all 3 of us siblings. None of us asked. They just gave what they could but never disclosed the amounts. I wouldn't care if my bros got more. They helped me more than enough and im happy with that.

BunsOfAnarchy · 17/03/2019 22:12

You know what. Yes, you are being grabby.
It's a sense of entitlement you are showing with each of your updates.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 22:14

@Stillcoughingandlaughing

Yes...I know this Hmm

So can I gather from a few responses on here that you’d shell out a massive amount for one child’s wedding and leave the other with nothing because their circumstances weren’t identical?

I mean there’s loads we could use £10k for (and use it wisely) but because we won’t uproot our family then we won’t be getting anything. I honestly can’t see me treating my children like that.

I gave info about the £6k for context and because if I mentioned it later I’d be accused of drop feeding. We are having a small wedding because it’s what we can afford and we don’t expect large contributions from people i.e £6k

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 22:17

I’m definitely not being grabby...I won’t pursue this and will leave it completely up to my DH zig he wants to take it up with MIL. I wanted opinions on it and I quite clearly have my own on the matter. I don’t feel entitled to her money - what I don’t like it someone trying to give gifts with strings attached and also treating her two sons differently.

OP posts:
expat101 · 17/03/2019 22:18

No! I wouldn't gift one adult child an amount and not the other. That is unfair and that is exactly what MIL is doing.

But I think any push to her to treat you both exactly the same as the other sibling has to come from your Hubby, not you.

He needs to point out how grossly unfair she is being.

eightoclock · 17/03/2019 22:19

Op doesn't sound grabby at all. I would find this upsetting because it's obvious favouritism - nothing to do with the amount of money.
MIL could have given the money in secret if she wanted to give only to one child - maybe they need it more. But to be so open about it is strange.

CherryPavlova · 17/03/2019 22:33

Sounds like she is disapproving of your wedding in some way.
Maybe as simple as disapproval of children out of wedlock and thinking it’s a bit late to be paying out for a wedding. We’d certainly be more likely to fund a large wedding if it happened before any children were born.
We love all our children dearly. That doesn’t mean they get exactly the same at the same time. Their needs are different. We gave our son more towards his deposit and we furnished his flat. He was buying on his own rather than as a couple on dual income. We’ll pay an amount for our daughters wedding but less for our sons when the time comes because he can access lovely but relatively cheap venue and catering through his work. Plus one tends pay less towards a sons wedding.
It’s horses for courses but does sound a bit unfair if overall there’s no parity.

broadstairs · 18/03/2019 00:18

We’d certainly be more likely to fund a large wedding if it happened before any children were born.

Why?

ChicCroissant · 18/03/2019 00:38

Up to Cherry what she does with her money surely, broadstairs?!