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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and wedding

289 replies

tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 20:27

I’m really unsure how to write this post because I don’t want to come across as grabby but this has been playing on my mind and I’d like opinions rather than telling me what to do because I’m keeping my mouth firmly shut!

My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL got married last year and in the lead up to getting married decided that they wanted to move house. All good. It transpired that MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit. So far sooooo none of my business.

DP and I are getting married in July and we have two children. DP came home and told me that MIL has told him she’ll give us the same amount. I said that was lovely of her...DP seemed a bit nervous about something and I asked him to spill the beans. He said that she had told him the £10,000 would be given to us when we move house.

We aren’t moving house. We have no plans to move house. We are happy in the house we’re in. DP has told her this and she has said if she gave it to BIL for a house move then we will get it for the same reason.

I know a gift is a gesture she doesn’t have to provide but I feel a bit annoyed at the fact that she has put restrictions and constraints on it.

Before anyone asks, she’s well off and has not contributed in anyway to the wedding which will only have 13 guests. My parents have paid for the meal and have offered us money (without strings) as a gift.

I’ve said to my husband that we need to refuse the gift. I won’t be held to ransom for any sum of money and certainly won’t uproot myself for it. The house we live in is lovely and we don’t need to move.

Does anyone else find this strange? I won’t be broaching this with her but it has kind of clouded my feelings about her.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 18/03/2019 01:16

I think she's being monstrously unfair, and it's not at all 'grabby' for you to feel the way you do.

There's not a lot you can do about it though, but I guess it will probably impact on your relationship going forward, and MIL is being very shortsighted not to realise that.

Bibijayne · 18/03/2019 03:12

She's trying to exert financial control over you. If this were your partner and not your MIL most of MN would be telling LTB.

My MIL didn't even get us a card. She kept promising money (random varying but large amounts) for various things around our house. None ever came. Not an issue. But my DH was upset because he really believed she meant it. She wanted to sound generous, but not actually be generous.

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 18/03/2019 06:07

@CherryPavlova

We aren’t having a large wedding. I thought that was clear Hmm

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 18/03/2019 06:55

tartantrewsweddingblues. You did make it clear - so if no large wedding you’d not be needing the money towards it. I’m imagining the other couple did have a larger wedding.

Why would we be less inclined to spend 25k on a wedding if there were already children? It is our choice how we spend our money and that would seem like closing the door after the horse has bolted. We believe children are best brought into the world within a stable and loving marriage. We believe marriage is a declaration of enduring love and commitment which should take place before deciding to have children. We’ll be delighted to fund our children’s celebrations of this.
We won’t be funding a party that costs a small fortune because they have decided that it might be fun and the diary is empty. If they choose to,have children outside of marriage we’ll happily support and love those children but a wedding ceremony seems tokenistic afterwards.
Mother in law might feel the same. It’s not that rare.

GemmeFatale · 18/03/2019 07:06

Cherry, presumably you also wouldn’t attend a wedding you considered tokenism? And you also wouldn’t expect any assistance in future from your new son/daughter in law (help around the house, caring or facilitating your chains to care for you in future, etc)?

burritofan · 18/03/2019 07:11

Wait, so a stable and loving marriage doesn't count if the children are already born? Lovely.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 18/03/2019 07:15

You're not refusing a gift, there's no stand to make. She has said there is some money available should you choose to move house, you're not planning on moving house. It's not a 'gift with strings'.

llangennith · 18/03/2019 07:22

OP maybe your DH could tell his DM that you are not planning on moving house but would appreciate £10k to pay off some of your mortgage. Yes it would be a gift with strings attached but it would be useful if she'd agree to that.

MIL may be reluctant to give you £10k for you to just blow on whatever you like.

OllyBJolly · 18/03/2019 07:23

I'm with Barren

I'd happily give my DCs money to help them buy a house and I'd be reluctant to do that if the relationship wasn't secure. (so I understand why the gift wasn't given before if couple are unmarried). I would not give money to fund a wedding, holiday, or any other transient event. I've worked too hard for it. I don't see that as controlling or a gift with strings.

PrawnOfCreation · 18/03/2019 07:28

You wonder who the fuck these relatives are, who support their children differently based on what seems like a random set of arbitrary "rules" and how they square up the favorite son getting 25k for a "celebration of love and commitment", and the scapegoat who didn't follow Mummy-Dearest's timeline so gets fuck all for their tokenism party. But now Cherry has posted, I need wonder no longer.

MIL does this. Offered to pay our wedding cake. Yes please, very generous of you. Only if you get this one, from this baker, and not this, and don't use that topper. Thank you for the offer, but we've ordered and paid ourselves.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/03/2019 07:31

My parents spent more on my brother’s wedding than mine but he had a big traditional day where they had all their family and a table of their friends. My wedding was much smaller and cheaper.

They have given the three of us money at various times. When my sister had money for a car recently I discovered that they are keeping track of who’s had what so that they can equalise it.

HotpotLawyer · 18/03/2019 07:32

I am not surprised, OP, that you feel disappointed in your DH’s behalf.

Blatant favouritism and unequal treatment.

Yes, suppprt your offspring where they find it most helpful but then find the equivalent support for the other.

Cherry Pavlova: I would never make value judgements about one of my kids’ eeddings being more important than the other’s.

We can all spend our money how we like, but our choices reflect on us.

Poppyputthekettleon · 18/03/2019 07:34

I might be the only one but I don't see the issue, she gave your BIL 10K to help with stamp duty say, she has said if you are ever in the same position she will give you 10k for the same. You seen upset she won't give you 10K to spend on whatever you want, such as a wedding (which is a one day party). There is no reason she should contribute to your wedding.

Pywife2 · 18/03/2019 07:41

Sounds like an excuse not to give you the gift of money. Making it conditional on something you have no plans to do.

NaturalBornWoman · 18/03/2019 07:57

Giving a child 10k towards a house deposit and helping toward starting their new life is one thing but you are already well on the way, you already have a lovely house in a nice area and you've afforded two children. Your situation is entirely different and I can understand why they don't want to give you 10k for blowing on whatever. I'd save it for the children's education in these circumstances I think, unless you had actual need.

GoldenEvilHoor · 18/03/2019 08:00

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

OKBobble · 18/03/2019 08:09

Are you sure your DH has reported back what she said accurately? Did she say when you move next I will be chipping £10k in rather than you have to move to get it.

What is your history of money management? Maybe she thinks if she just gives over £10k it will disappear without anything concrete to show for it. After all you state you can't afford a proper wedding so presumably have not got any savings behind you.

Perhaps she doesn't see the need to contribute to a wedding of only 13 people where the bride's parents are already paying.

CherryPavlova · 18/03/2019 09:28

GemmeFatale and burritofan. You’re derailing somewhat but that is not what I said. We’d attend and recognise the marriage in the unlikely event of it occurring but we wouldn’t be paying £25k for the party. A huge hooley seems inappropriate after you’ve already had children. Having a family together, for us, is the biggest commitment you can make. If you’ve already done that then there are better ways to support the family than a party.

We don’t choose just to hand over huge sums of money, no. We’ve worked hard for it and want it to provide for us and to support our children. We believe a stable and committed couple can and should wait until after marriage to bring children into the world. I know we’re not alone in that view. I simply wonder if mother in law feels likewise.

In the same way we’re more likely to fund a holiday for an adult child whose worked hard all year with little time off than to pay for an unemployed child to go travelling. That’s not dictating what they can or should do but choosing what best we do with our money. Luckily none of ours are unemployed and we would support them if they were but not with two weeks in Thailand.

Laiste · 18/03/2019 09:32

OKBobble - Are you sure your DH has reported back what she said accurately? Did she say when you move next I will be chipping £10k in rather than you have to move to get it.

That kind of amounts to the same thing really though.

I've been thinking about this and i'm so on the fence i've got splinters up my arse!

I've very recently been the DIL getting married (small wedding) and grateful when PIL chipped in. I've got a young child to think of and for years i've been the house renter and then buyer counting the pennies and fretting about best use of money.

However i'm also mum to 3 adult daughters and am well aware of how difficult it actually is to sensibly treat grown up children exactly the same and more over sometimes it's the lazy option and not always helpful tbh. Once they're adults it's not like when they were kids and just a case of handing out equal slices of cake or xmas presents ect. It's a bit of a minefield - and feelings can be easily hurt. On all sides.

When it comes to paying towards DCs weddings (haven't got there yet) i hope i can be perfectly equal. For me that's a no brainer.

When it comes to paying towards housing - well - more tricky. Lots of variables. In our case we're lucky enough to be physically building a house big enough for all of us - kids plus their other halves as well - at the mo and they're doing their bit towards that financially so it's a bit different here (and they know there wont be any money left at the end of all this so that will be that!).

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/03/2019 09:48

I kind of get where you are coming from OP but (sorry!) She is their mother she has the cash she can do as she likes with it...its how it is...unfair or not she doesnt have to justify to anyone why she chooses to do what she does with her money.I would let this go...your family sounds like you can manage without it ....for that reason alone you can face her with pride and dignity cos what you and your DH and family have achieved to get you all to where you are now is done entirely by yourselves....that is real power!

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 18/03/2019 09:50

A lot less cash but I gave ds £1000 towards his deposit. Dd is saving and I will add a grand to her pot. Younger dc has been feckless with cash his whole adult life and will no doubt never get a mortgage. He is instead looking for a new car so he can be more reliable in seeing his dc and visiting me so I am going to be contributing £1000 towards a car. Can't imagine not helping all of them in whichever way they needed tbh.
Your mil is imo a controll freak. I had similar ils. Offered to buy a double buggy when I had 2 dc close together.
Had to be a buggy of her choosing!!
Said thanks but no thanks.

ushuaiamonamour · 18/03/2019 09:54

Laiste, That kind of amounts to the same thing really though. I don't think it does. OP has chosen to hear it (at 2nd-hand) as 'I want you to move house and will give you money only if you do' where as it might well have been meant as 'If you ever decide to move, I'll help you out too', just as you might say 'If you get a job that requires driving, I'll buy you a car too' or even 'If you do decide to go to Ibiza I'll loan you my suitcase.'

In any case it's not money OP has any reason to feel entitled to. Or to complain about not getting. Sorry, but it just sounds like greed even though it's dressed up as sibling rivalry with someone who isn't even a sibling.

bobo26 · 18/03/2019 10:48

Might it be that you already own a house so she thinks you don't need £10k? If you were to buy another house she'll then put £10k towards the deposit? That's what I'm taking from it. I wonder if you mention in front of her that you'd like to remodel your kitchen/bathroom would she then offer it up?

Nomorepies · 18/03/2019 11:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

broadstairs · 18/03/2019 11:57

ChicCroissant

What a strange comment you made! I didn’t say she couldn’t do as she liked with her own money, I simply asked why!

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