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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and wedding

289 replies

tartantrewsweddingblues · 17/03/2019 20:27

I’m really unsure how to write this post because I don’t want to come across as grabby but this has been playing on my mind and I’d like opinions rather than telling me what to do because I’m keeping my mouth firmly shut!

My BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL got married last year and in the lead up to getting married decided that they wanted to move house. All good. It transpired that MIL told them she would give them a £10,000 to help with their deposit. So far sooooo none of my business.

DP and I are getting married in July and we have two children. DP came home and told me that MIL has told him she’ll give us the same amount. I said that was lovely of her...DP seemed a bit nervous about something and I asked him to spill the beans. He said that she had told him the £10,000 would be given to us when we move house.

We aren’t moving house. We have no plans to move house. We are happy in the house we’re in. DP has told her this and she has said if she gave it to BIL for a house move then we will get it for the same reason.

I know a gift is a gesture she doesn’t have to provide but I feel a bit annoyed at the fact that she has put restrictions and constraints on it.

Before anyone asks, she’s well off and has not contributed in anyway to the wedding which will only have 13 guests. My parents have paid for the meal and have offered us money (without strings) as a gift.

I’ve said to my husband that we need to refuse the gift. I won’t be held to ransom for any sum of money and certainly won’t uproot myself for it. The house we live in is lovely and we don’t need to move.

Does anyone else find this strange? I won’t be broaching this with her but it has kind of clouded my feelings about her.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 18/03/2019 21:07

I'd tell her sorry you're doing overtime on Friday to pay for your children's wedding outfits

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 18/03/2019 21:33

@CherryPavlova

At what point have I been rude to my MIL?

As it stands, you seem pretty rude to value the wedding of one couple over another just because there are children involved.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/03/2019 21:46

Ask her to come view some houses with you GrinWink

mamansnet · 18/03/2019 21:46

I hears somewhere the other day (Kirsty & Phil I think) that the average cost of moving house is £8k. So you'd only have 2k towards a new place anyway.

Your MIL just wants the control. Much better putting a nice 10k shaped dent in your mortgage.

I just can't understand why she wouldn't have offered the 10k when you bought your house, getting married or not. Let her other son take her shopping on Friday, ie the favourite one, and let her know why. And that you've heard she's said she's not coming to the wedding. Cheeky cow.

Honeypickle · 18/03/2019 21:52

I suspect she is regretting saying she don’t come to the wedding and has asked you to take her shopping on Friday as a way of seeeping it under the rug and hoping everyone will ignore what she said. That way she doesn’t have to apologise, provide an explanation for her behaviour or face up to how ridiculous she’s been. Up to you if you are prepared to let her get away with that! Not sure I could.

Honeypickle · 18/03/2019 21:53

*won’t come to the wedding

  • sweeping it under
StillCoughingandLaughing · 18/03/2019 22:13

the 10k to move would just be swallowed up by moving costs and stamp duty Confused

So surely it would be useful if you had to move?

stiffstink · 18/03/2019 22:28

But they don’t have to or want to move?!

HotSauceCommittee · 18/03/2019 22:38

Just forget about it. You don’t need help. I’m one of four and whatever my parents give my siblings, it’s to help them. They helped me once when I needed it. We are comfortable now and don’t need it. My mum accidentally sent me a text meant for one of my other siblings about transferring them some money. I put her straight, and she started to explain so I said I was happy she was helping x, we didn’t need it and they’d helped before, we’d ask again if we ever did and that text was non of my business. If I had started demanding the same and then the two remaining siblings behaved the same, maybe there wouldn’t be enough to do that and it would stop them helping the one who needed it.
Sometimes it’s better to help family according to need and you never know when you’ll need it.
Hope that isn’t too badly articulated...

ArtichokeAardvark · 18/03/2019 22:47

OP I'm in a similar position and I'm fuming! DH and I are looking to move home and want to move out of the city. My weaselly FIL has generously told us that he will gift us a large sum of money towards our deposit but only if we move to one of a few areas that he deems suitable. His phrasing was that it was a gift with 'conditions'.

Not quite the same as your situation (the brother aspect makes it even worse in your case!) but like you I don't think a gift should come with strings attached!

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 18/03/2019 23:06

@HotSauceCommittee

But would your parents decide that you or your siblings wouldn’t get a wedding present because you weren’t going to use the money for the same purposes as your other siblings?

I completely understand that parents will do different things for their children but the fact remains that the event is the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 18/03/2019 23:08

@ArtichokeAardvark

It’s as if he doesn’t trust you to pick a decent home in a nice location Grin tell him to stick his money Grin

OP posts:
FlagranceDirect · 18/03/2019 23:08

I can’t imagine giving someone a gift with strings attached

It's not necessarily a gift though is it? It's offering to pay for a particular thing. I gave my daughter some money towards a car because she needed one. I wouldn't appreciate it if she, say, spent it on a hot tub instead.

I'm paying for her wedding. Not giving her a gift.
I wouldn't be best pleased if she blew it on an expensive holiday instead.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 18/03/2019 23:59

But they don’t have to or want to move?!

I know. I’m not suggesting they move just to get the money.

learieonthewildmoor · 19/03/2019 04:07

tartantrewsweddingblues
Your m-i-l is being out and out nasty. She's deliberately provoking you and your husband.
I imagine she enjoys having a sense of control over you: making sure you know all about the gift to your b-i-l, letting you know you will not be receiving a similar gift from her, threatening to not come to the wedding. She probably wants an excuse for treating your husband so unfavourably, and wants a fight.

I can't believe the posters here saying "oh no, totally ok behaviour. It's her money!" Telling someone "I'm not giving you $10k, sucks to be you" is not friendly or loving behaviour.

It's good your happiness and well being doesn't depend on her: I'd be winding down contact. I hope her behaviour doesn't spoil your wedding celebration.

Skittlesandbeer · 19/03/2019 04:57

I would certainly address it directly with her. It’s not ‘getting in the middle’ of son & mother, it’s you rightly addressing your MIL/DIL relationship. If anything it’s her trying to put a wedge between husband and wife. The offer should have been made to both of you, from the beginning.

I’d be dropping round and smilingly saying ‘now DH has told me some garbled something about you making a kind present to us. Thought I’d come and thank you and try and understand it properly. Now, he said you want us to move house, but that can’t be right. You’d never be that controlling. So help me understand what it really was you wanted to tell us and the children?’

Livingoncake · 19/03/2019 06:16

OP, I guarantee that if you and your fiancé we’re to buy a new house in order to get the money, your MIL would want a say in your choice of house. She would probably hold back the gift if the house you and DF chose wasn’t to her liking.

Forget it. It’s unfair, yes, but people who use their money to make you dance to their tune will only make you miserable.

wineandroses1 · 19/03/2019 08:17

CherryPavlova sanctimonious much? Your outdated views sound pretty unpleasant and controlling.

Alwayscheerful · 19/03/2019 08:29

We are happy to help our children with bricks and mortar, less so with holidays, cars and weddings.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 19/03/2019 08:36

Have you decided if you are going to meet her on Friday or be busy?

Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 08:38

@Alwayscheerful

But would you give a child absolutely zilch when they got married? Hmm while your other child has been given a fair amount of money?

OP posts:
Original poster
tartantrewsweddingblues · 19/03/2019 08:39

I think I will meet her on Friday and I’m going to rehearse what @Skittlesandbeer said Grin

OP posts:
Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 19/03/2019 08:54

👍
I think that’s a good plan
I would mentally be trying give her benefit of doubt over the next few days (I find this helps with a more “authentic” delivery of any practiced lines) Grin

Whatever happens, discussing directly means you bottom it out properly and will know exactly where you stand

Alwayscheerful · 19/03/2019 08:56

@tartantrewsweddingblues
Inheritance tax limit is £5k for wedding gifts, I like to think that gift should be utilised not wasted!

summertimesadnesssss · 19/03/2019 09:03

@Alwayscheerful

You haven’t answered my question.

Would you leave one child with nothing because their circumstances didn’t match your other child’s exactly?