Calling the police but are we doing the right thing.

[Mumofgirls3]

Firstly this isn’t a “I think something bad has happened but I’ll ask MN first before we act”. We have tried to get through to the correct police 3 times now but they have us on hold for so long it keeps cutting us off so we are going to try again later in the hope that it’s a little less busy.

My DD (12) was out playing earlier with her DD (10) and DF.

We live is quite a quiet village (think only a post office/local shop and cattle grids) however there are a mixture of newer and older small estates.

The girls were playing with a toy which had landed up in a back garden just out of our estate and my DD being the eldest had politely (according to her) gone to the door go ask for it back. The other two girls has stayed, not intentionally, round the corner, and therefore out of sight.

My DD has rung the bell and it had in her words been opened by an elderly gentleman (we have pushed this and she had said ages with my DF, who is only mid 60’s)

There is access to the back garden via the side of the house but man had asked my DD to step inside, my DD has now said she felt uncomfortable doing so however, I think didn’t feel too uncomfortable being only a few ft from home (we can see the house from our bedroom window) and has gone inside. Obviously this is something we now need to talk about, and I am quite disappointed at age 12 she thought this was an ok thing to do.

The man had then reached behind he’d and locked the door and asked her to step into the living room as he was watching something on TV and didn’t want to miss it.

DD can’t remember at this point if man had said the program he was watching had pretty in the title or he had said she was pretty but she is sure she heard that word.

DD’s instincts I think kicked in at that point as she made the sensible move to mention her parents were outside and she should probably make sure they knew where she was. The man seemed a little taken aback, agreed, unlocked the door as DD ran back to the other 2.

The man had then (I think) must have seen my eldest DD from another window and whistled her back and again seemed taken aback that she was with friends but invited all 3 girls back into the back garden to find the toy. At this point both my DD’s agree that man acted weird. “Oh it’s only your friends your with” and a lot of watching/smiling etc. Both girls have now commented he acted in an odd enough way to make them feel uneasy.

Writing it down, I can’t believe I’m 2nd guessing myself, and we adefinitely are going to get incontact with the police but I guess I would just like someone to reassure me we are doing the right thing.

All the nut jobs on this thread saying "pedos don't just lie in wait hoping a kid will turn up" - and what bizarre logic. You think a pedo wont take advantage of a neighbour's child who happened to make themselves known? Because I know a pedo who did.

People twisting themselves in knots to explain away this bizarre behaviour with gang stories and dementia are part of the problem.

Chances are some of us are living next door to paedophiles.

When I was a housing support worker, we'd often support sex offenders when they were rehoused on release from prison. There are at least 5, that I know of, within a square mile, not far from where I live.

Our guidance was always to report any contact with children, and leave it up to the police and person managing their case to decide what action was appropriate.

I think telling the police was the right thing to do, OP, for all you know he could be subject to MAPPA and in breach of his conditions.

Imo it's far more likely that he's a security conscious man who's taken note of all the warnings about distraction burglary and the like, though.

I have a friend who ALWAYS locks her front door. Bloody does my head in when you have to faff about just to put something in the bin or get something out of your car!

It’s such a friendly, close knit, village

This is exactly why I would assume my dd was either mistaken or being dramatic. Maybe her was reaching round to flip the latch up? The idea that a man would lock a child in his house in a village in the middle of the day where he knows she’s been playing out with friends (so if she didn’t re-emerge within a few minutes the alarm would be raised) and try to do something horrid is quite ridiculous. For a start he would be caught immediately, generally pedophiles are very good at not getting caught, which is why they normally groom children close to them. The chance of a random pedo attack? It almost never happens. The chance of a random attack with multiple witnesses? I’m not saying she was wrong that it felt uncomfortable, but she doesn’t sound like the most world wise 12 year old. So a lesson has been learnt. But I still don’t think it’s police material.

This is exactly why I would assume my dd was either mistaken or being dramatic.

One of several stupid and dangerous assumptions you have made.

So you would automatically disbelieve your DD because its a "naice" village. Wow.

Contex is everything. I think it’s ridiculous to assume every man is a peadophile, just because they’re a bit odd. I was brought up when school were totally obsessed with stranger danger, they would have you believe that there were men round every corner with white vans trying to snatch you off the street. Newsflash, as someone up thread said, pedophiles just don’t operate like that. It leaves kids more vulnerable as it’s a total red herring. The OPs daughter is far more likely to be groomed online or by someone she knows.

Thegoodthere

Pedophiles are predatory. They target vulnerable children and assess the level of risk in being caught. They will gather information about the child's family and how close they are to their family members. Essentially, establishing how well protected they are.

They will insert themselves into the child's life to build a relationship, fulfilling a role they know the vulnerable child needs, by grooming them. This can take place over weeks and months.

It would be highly, highly unusual for a pedophile to attack/abuse a neighbour's kid who has just knocked on their door.

While a neighbour could be a pedophile, statistically your son or daughter is much more at risk of abuse by someone much, much closer to home.

Awful, abhorrent, but true.

When it comes to sexual abuse, it's not strangers you should be so wary of.

@Tinyteatime

My DD has absolutely 0 accesss to the internet so that is highly unlikely.

I’m actually quite shocked that anyone would not listen and take seriously their own child telling them that they felt unsafe and scared in the presence of another adult regardless of outcome...

Creepy

But please remember old people are advised to keep their doors locked

For god sake we are not talking about a decrepit and frail old man.

DD said early 60’s big built and taller than my DH who is 6.4.

They live in a nice modern built house with a recent extension and 2 newish big cars. I’m really trying not to to generalise or stereotype but he doesn’t really paint the picture of someone who was frail or would be vary of a curly haired, shy 12 year old who just wanted her toy back.

I wouldn’t disbelieve her. I have a dd. I’m also aware of how abusers operate. I’m sure your dd did feel uncomfortable (rightly so, she was in a strangers house and felt she was trapped in, which she may or may not have been). But would I accuse a neighbor of having an intent to comit a very very serious crime based on that alone? No. I would evaluate the whole situation, decide what is most likely, and act on that. this time it would be a taking to dd about safety. I’m sure there are pedophiles in every ’naice’ village, but they’ll be hiding. They won’t be trying to attack in the middle of the day, randomly, with witnesses around, in their own homes with no where to run and no where to hide.

OP you've obviously already made your mind up so I don't know why you posted this thread unless you just wanted an echo chamber of outrage.

@HarrysOwl

I think the word that you have missed out in your post is “some”

Some pedophiles will groom.
Some will be predatory and stalk their victims out.

Unfortunately (and I say this from experience) some, like any kind of criminals are opportunists and will lie in wait for years for a chance encounter.

Some have very little self control and if the opportunity arises can’t help theirselves.

I also think your are being a little contradicting...

“When it comes to sexual abuse, it's not strangers you should be so wary of.”

Some might say like a neighbour or someone that sees the same child out playing all the time.

@HarrysOwl

You are right I went with the majority of this thread, my daughters instincts and mine and my DH’s gut and have made up my mind and most of these posts have been very helpful in doing so.

It has sadly made me see however why so many adults come forward later in life with horrific stories of abuse (again from experience) because they didn’t think anyone would believe them as a child.

I think the word that you have missed out in your post is “some”

The right word is most. Most pedophiles will operate in the way I describe. They are very unlikely to take a huge risk even if the opportunity presents itself.

Some might say like a neighbour or someone that sees the same child out playing all the time

That's a fair point. But I think a neighbour with evil intentions would be approaching you first to gain your trust, before targeting your daughter.

It's just my opinion that I'd not jump to the worst conclusion possible with what you describe, but if you're set on reporting him to the police then that's up to you of course.

Op could you look In the tv guide for that time of day to see if there was a programme that met the description. If he didn't want to miss it then it would have been live otherwise he surely would have paused the tv?

I know very well how pedos operate, thank you.

What you are describing is how most of them work. Random attacks do happen.

I can’t believe how pp are minimising this and coming up with excuses. As op has said many times, she’s not talking about a little old man here.

If it is all innocent, then he needs to be made aware that his actions could be misinterpreted

If his were my dad (who was in his 70’s) I would like to think that he’d know better than to do with this man did. If only to protect himself from accusations. Yes it is a sad world we live in, than a sweet innocent old man is unable to do this, but this is from years and years of not so sweet innocent old men doing unspeakable things to young children.

not every one can pause their tv

no point looking at tv guide.
just go with your instincts and those of your dd and you will have done right.

Look, it's unlikely he had ill intentions BUT he has set himself up in a not good way.

Many have said what he could've done differently and most would.

His first mistake was inviting her in.

Then he locks the door. I know some say they do it automatically, but really if you invite someone you don't know in that seems pretty odd.

Then, he invites her to watch TV. Why would you ask a child to watch TV that you don't know and who only asked to retrieve a toy?

If we take the gang statement at face value, why would he invite a gang member into his house? Why not offer to throw/hand it over the fence or if he's very suspicious say to the child that you'd like their parent to be present.

I am not an alarmist and think it is a sad state of affairs when Dads can't take their kids to parks without someone being upset they helped their child get off the climbing frame or whatever.

But this man just didn't think. Equally, the child herself felt uneasy and she was there to pick up on his body language/mannerisms, not anyone on here.

I am also amazed how many people are calling 60s an old man.

My Dad is only 3 years from that and he would not like to be called old!

@Hyacintharehighersincelasttime

Exactly, if he couldn't pause the tv (doesn't have a pvr) then he wouldn't want to miss a live programme. Therefore if op looks in the house she may find something with the name containing pretty which would establish a bit more if the pretty comment was aimed at the programme or the child.

i would leave it to the police to do the detective work

I agree that inviting her in if there was a safe way round was odd. A new neighbours child knocked on our door for her ball last weekend and you can’t currently walk round the outside of our house so to access the outside you have to go all the way through the inside.

I was busy (on MN probably) and DH called about 3 times “oh Sauvignon, we have a visitor” in a really annoying way, to ensure I got up and was around when he walked her through the house. I know he’s done safeguarding training but common sense would also surely tell you to do something like this?

Hi OP,

If you still can't get through on the non-emergency line, you can send them an email to get this logged. Search for your local/county police force's website and there should be a link or email address on their contact us page.

Calling the police but are we doing the right thing.

My DF is a retired cop

I smell a rat!