Calling the police but are we doing the right thing.

[Mumofgirls3]

Firstly this isn’t a “I think something bad has happened but I’ll ask MN first before we act”. We have tried to get through to the correct police 3 times now but they have us on hold for so long it keeps cutting us off so we are going to try again later in the hope that it’s a little less busy.

My DD (12) was out playing earlier with her DD (10) and DF.

We live is quite a quiet village (think only a post office/local shop and cattle grids) however there are a mixture of newer and older small estates.

The girls were playing with a toy which had landed up in a back garden just out of our estate and my DD being the eldest had politely (according to her) gone to the door go ask for it back. The other two girls has stayed, not intentionally, round the corner, and therefore out of sight.

My DD has rung the bell and it had in her words been opened by an elderly gentleman (we have pushed this and she had said ages with my DF, who is only mid 60’s)

There is access to the back garden via the side of the house but man had asked my DD to step inside, my DD has now said she felt uncomfortable doing so however, I think didn’t feel too uncomfortable being only a few ft from home (we can see the house from our bedroom window) and has gone inside. Obviously this is something we now need to talk about, and I am quite disappointed at age 12 she thought this was an ok thing to do.

The man had then reached behind he’d and locked the door and asked her to step into the living room as he was watching something on TV and didn’t want to miss it.

DD can’t remember at this point if man had said the program he was watching had pretty in the title or he had said she was pretty but she is sure she heard that word.

DD’s instincts I think kicked in at that point as she made the sensible move to mention her parents were outside and she should probably make sure they knew where she was. The man seemed a little taken aback, agreed, unlocked the door as DD ran back to the other 2.

The man had then (I think) must have seen my eldest DD from another window and whistled her back and again seemed taken aback that she was with friends but invited all 3 girls back into the back garden to find the toy. At this point both my DD’s agree that man acted weird. “Oh it’s only your friends your with” and a lot of watching/smiling etc. Both girls have now commented he acted in an odd enough way to make them feel uneasy.

Writing it down, I can’t believe I’m 2nd guessing myself, and we adefinitely are going to get incontact with the police but I guess I would just like someone to reassure me we are doing the right thing.

fucking crazy thread.

I lock the door when I let people in especially if I know I’m going into the back garden. I also always lead the neighbours kids through the house to get their balls etc that have come over the fence despite the fact I have a side gate. I basically I do exactly what the ‘wierd man’ does.

I wouldn’t have bothered reporting it but I don’t suppose there was any harm in doing so.

In fact if this happened here I'd have to "lock" the front door anyway as its a Yale lock! In fact the door locks to outsiders if you close it and to get to the back garden its a right palver as we have another set of locks there too!

Was this lock in question one that had to have a key turned in it and is so thats not that surpisieg as I'm blowed if i'd want to leave my front door so anyone can just wander in off the streets, just like that!.

This is mad why would he invite her in if he was worried about being burgled? He would have said ok, hang wait outside a minute, then shut the door while he paused his program and grabbed his cardigan (!) then gone outside with her to find the toy.

If he invited her in to be polite rather than leaving her on the doorstep he should have realised that locking her in would scare her.

Its probably nothing and I am not sure what I would do but I don't understand how people don't think he acted strangely.

When you say lock - it depends if it was a Yale (pull shut) or key lock, and whether he was going to go into the garden with her as I wouldn't leave my front door unlocked if I was going into my garden! I have had next doors kids knocking for a ball or shuttlecock and yes I lock the door (they know me of course and I don't stop to watch tv!)

Yes it could be suspicious but it could also be quite innocent and he was a little taken aback because she lied about her parents.

good for your daughter that she came home

@JustHavinABreak

Aaaa sorry flew right over my head there.

I agree that I would never take any risks with my or any other child. If I got a funny feeling about a babysitter I certainly wouldn't let them look after my child. If a neighbour made me uneasy I would keep my kids away. What I wouldn't do though is assume that because someone is odd or make me uneasy they are definitely a paedo. or creep. Most people who molest children aren't the strange looking man on the bus who keeps smiling at your daughter and looking at her a bit too long. It's the charming relative or friend who the family completely trusted.

I think his behaviour was slightly odd (not even that odd to be fair. My uncle would probably do similar because he always locks his door, he loves kids and it wouldn't even occur to him that they might be scared or anyone would be suspicious, he'd probably offer them a drink and biscuit too.). But there are lots of reasons people are odd and most of them don't involve bad intentions.

My dad is in his 70s but he wouldn’t let a strange child in his house alone. He’s had child protection training as part of his job though. It really isn’t appropriate behavior.

YANBU

I would report this to the local police on their non-emergency line.

You could also ask for information on him under Sarah’s Law, I would want to know.

I haven’t read the thread, just your post so may be repeating what others have said.

I would call them for advice, they might go round and remind him that it's not a good idea.
The chances are he's lonely and security conscious but it wouldn't do any harm for them to check in with him and give him some home security advice - even if it is in the guise of checking he's not up to anything untoward.

I think you are doing the right thing definitely. The elderly man may have meant no harm, but it is at the very least creepy and inappropriate. A visit from the police should at least alert him not to do stuff like that. Not calling the police and finding out that you were wrong not to is not worth thinking about.

Report it, and move on. Your DD has learnt that she should be more protective of herself, think before complying and getting into a situation that makes her uncomfortable. Well done on her on telling you about it, not just feeling embarrassed that she made a bad choice and keeping quiet.

If the police have any other information on this man that makes it sinister (on a register etc), they will surely action that. If not, perhaps a community officer might visit and explain to him that it made your daughter uncomfortable, and to protect himself against any allegations he should be more cautious about his own actions - ie. getting toy himself, leaving DD on doorstep - or as my neighbour does he throws it back over where it came from, so no need for my kids to go in house or garden.

Report it, but use it as an opportunity to check your DD has learnt some self protection skills.

I agree with PP that you and DH should just go over and introduce yourselves. Your DD did absolutely the right thing by telling you what happened that made her uncomfortable but as adults you will be able to flesh this out by getting a feel for this guy. I agree that it all sounds suspicious but it could be nothing. Go and talk to him.

I can't believe how many people are over reacting on this thread. Pedophiles are not living in every other house waiting for a stray daughter to entrap.

Genuinely shocked you contacted the police, rather than going over yourself to speak to him.

"Hi, sorry my daughter bothered you" type-thing and have an actual conversation with him yourself.

Why have you jumped to all sorts of awful conclusions?

There IS harm in reporting an innocent man. Imagine being in his shoes, where your neighbours reported you to the police for letting a kid in who knocked on your door to get a toy from your garden.

But no, he's male so he must be a pedophile.

Massive kudos to your daughter though, totally understand why she may feel uncomfortable in an unfamiliar, stranger's house and she acted on that, swiftly and safely. Brilliant. But just because she got spooked doesn't necessarily mean there was anything to be spooked about.

We haven’t actually managed to get in contact with the police as we are obviously trying to get them through the non-emergency route and it’s just so so busy. DH is going to try again this morning.

I really don’t buy the gang/decoy theory. It’s such a friendly, close knit, village. Nothing ever happens and the biggest issues tend to be things like black birds pecking milk bottle tops and what to do with surplus rhubarb.

The kids are all country kids and more likely to get in trouble from climbing trees than anything else!

I didn’t let my DH go over there as he was really angry (he definitely didn’t get a good feeling about the situation) and I didn’t want to put anyone in a situation that we would all regret,

This also just happens as we were about to have supper and start getting girls bathed and sorted for school, so not great timing.

As said in my previous post DD said that the man had to lean behind her to lock the door and he nudged her shoulder in dining so, she said he turned something and there was a locking click...

He then asked her to step into the living room as he was watching something on the TV and didn’t want to miss it...

Just to repeat again, my daughter said the tv program either had “Pretty” in the title or he said to my DD “You’re are very pretty” and that is the point my DD said to him her parents were outside.

@NannyRed

For your information the 1st thing I did was call my dad (in-laws are on holiday) and he was the one who confirmed we were doing the right thing in getting the guy checked out!

You are right I did post this in AIBU but thankfully your rude, horrible and insensitive post was the minority (infact I think it was the only one in 5 pages?!) so forgive me for not bowing down to your not so amazing opinion and advice!!

Can't believe you are planning on reporting this or the hysteria in the thread.

Many people automatically lock the doors out of habit too.

OP I agree with some of what @NannyRed has said.

You asked if you were right to call the police and I'm in the minority here to think that calling the police is OTT as no crime has been committed. There's a big difference between locking your front door out of habit, and locking someone in.

He unlocked the door as soon as she said she wanted to leave.

Are you unreasonable to be concerned? Of course not. This is your daughter, and she felt uncomfortable. Again, it's great that she left and told you what happened. Should she have gone inside? In hindsight, no. And she's unlikely to do it again. But it's perfectly understandable as she wanted to retrieve the toy.

But the first reasonable action I feel would be to speak to the neighbour myself.

OP, I haven’t RTFT but I would have been uneasy with what happened too, and I don’t blame you for wanting to report it to the police.

However, I just thought I would add that my DF, aged 70, is in the early stages of dementia. Outwardly you would not notice anything, but his social boundaries have gone out of the window, and he would probably think it completely appropriate to invite a random child into the house. He thinks nothing of stopping any stranger in the street for a chat when he’s out walking the dog and no longer recognises social ‘cues’. I’m not saying that this is the case here, but just something to consider.

@ShannonRockallMalin

Thanks.

It’s not filling me with joy reporting this, and of course it makes me think of my Dad and grandad and someone thinking there were possible of harming or being inappropriate with a child and it breaks me heart as they are all such wonderful and loving men in mine and my DC’s lives.

However my daughter felt unsafe, trapped and that the man acted very strange towards her when she simply politely asked for her toy back and I don’t think I would be being the best parent/responsible adult I could be if I didn’t go with my gut and follow this up.

I have always told my children they can come to us about anything and that I would always believe them and be there biggest advocate, I don’t think I would keeping to me word if I turned a blind eye to how odd his behaviour was and how he made my DD feel regardless of his intentions.

I'm imagining this is my DD or grandfather and someone reporting either of their innocent, well-intentioned behaviour to the police.

It would really, really affect them.

OP out of interest why don't you want to speak to him yourself first?

Definitely report it. Concerns may have been expressed before or they may already have intelligence on this individual.
How would you feel if further down the line something happened and you hadn’t expressed your concerns.
Always trust your instincts.

It doesn't sound great but I wonder if he was worried she was the lead in a burglary attempt and was concerned she might re-open the door to let others in.

I think you’re doing the right thing to report this. If it’s not part of a larger picture it won’t affect the person.

My DF is a retired cop and said the worst thing we could do if we have concerns is go round there ourselves.

He said not only would it show that we are wary and suspicious of the encounter and give him time to say for example to get rid of a dodgy hard drive or a video collection

But it could also give him an excuse between my DD trying to retrieve her toy and is following it up with a visit to play the harassment card.

My dad has been in the police for 30 years he’s an excellent cop and I trust his advice.