How does this birthday card make you feel?

[Fretful]

Without giving any background as I would like some unbiased opinions, please

One volunteer actually said, 'he needs to hit you' and another said that I just have to talk to him. Oh, why didn't I think of that?!

Why can’t they help you? I’m sure that psychological abuse was criminalised last year or so.
As others have said, do you think it’s your in-laws way of calling your husband out on his behaviour as in they can see what a controlling arsehole he is?

I hate it. Alcoholic husband telling his wife that she is worthless!

Flat. Not as far as offended but I'd say its vaguely sexist. Meant to be funny in the purchasers eyes.

Reminds of the MN post of the DH that kept turning the heating down (including from the pub)

Not that funny but not offensive

It strikes me as controlling and abusive. Yes, it could be considered funny but it leaves me feeling uncomfortable.

Just enough to wreck me (and the children), but not enough for anyone 'official' to take any action.

OP- in abusive relationships no-one ‘official’ will take action for you, you have to do it yourself. Only you can save yourself and your kids.

lordvoldetort it appears he's not quite abusive enough to warrant any action being taken (police, social services and women's charity). There's an invisible threshold he doesn't meet.

I really don't know if there was a hidden message of support in sending the card. It was sent by a relative who is, arguably, in a similar marriage (but I'm unaware of how aware she is of that).

OP - where there is emotional abuse you will get help from any reputable domestic abuse charity.

I posted Women’s Aid phone number earlier in the thread.

If you ring them they will give you support and talk you through the steps to leaving.

I've never met a man who was remotely interested in reading the actual words printed on a card. Lots of women do, men just grab one.

It's a stupid card with a sexist outdated 'joke' on it. If anyone gave me that I assume them giving it to me would be the actual joke, as they'd know it's the kind of thing I'd do eyerolls at. In other words, the same person who buys me a religious Christmas card would think it's funny to give me that card, rather than the card itself being funny.

It wouldn't offend me, I don't know anyone who'd seriously enjoy that joke.

That line isn't invisible any more. It's set out in the coercive control law. Please read this government legal guidance page, it changed my life!

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

i think most people are missing the point. This post ISN'T about whether the card is funny..thats subjective. Its whether the card was given to this lady for a reason (positive or negative).
Emotional and psychological abuse are soul destroying but the harsh truth is you have to want to save yourself. No one will rescue you. There is help out there and people who WILL understand. You cant make a partner treat you with respect but you can respect yourselves enough to get help..and talk about whats happening in a safe and understanding environment. Coercive and controlling behaviour was recently criminalized but is tough to prove. I think your first step us to talk to a counsellor. There are NHS ones. and womens centres. Try your gp first they will guide you. Or Google it for talking therapy centres near you.
I really hope you find a solution and some peace.

I don't find it remotely amusing.
I know too many women who have been in marriages like that to find that level of disrespect and shit behaviour at all funny.
It's just another example of how men treating women as second-class citizens is so acceptable as to be amusing - really?

And for you, OP - I don't know whether the relative thought it was funny because it was just like your marriage, or whether they thought it was a subtle way of telling you that they realise it's just like your marriage and you can talk to them if you need to - who could tell, just from receiving that?

Have you spoken to said relative? Because I would - try to find out their motivation, maybe.

And I assume the reason you're trying to go through official channels re. your husband is that you're unable to leave without assistance - but keep trying. Make your plans, get everything you need together and then tell him to fuck off.

In the meantime, look up "grey rock" technique - one of my friends has just got rid of her EA husband, after using grey rock to stop reacting to his abuse. She found it quite effective in managing her response to his abuse, but she also found that it confused him, because he wasn't getting his "fix" of pissing her off/upsetting her. Make no mistake, your husband enjoys winding you up/gaslighting you etc. - he gets a kind of kick out of it - so try to deny him that kick.

I hope you manage to get out of your situation soon, before he totally destroys your resistance.

It reminds me of the sexists memes some 40/50 year old men put on fb because they find it hilarious.

They also wonder why they are still single....

If he does any of these things more than once, and you have evidence, even such as texts to your mum or family where you talked about him being controlling or a diary you have kept, a screenshot of google searches in your history looking for solutions perhaps? Any evidence he was eavesdropping, snooping or controlling. If he tells you what to wear, when you can go out, or do with your money, affects or undermines your parenting or right to yours and your childrens' peaceful enjoyment of your home...write it all down. Keep texting people you know and tell them what's happening.

It's illegal to be:
Isolating a person from their friends and family
Depriving them of their basic needs
Monitoring their time
Monitoring a person via online communication tools or using spyware
Taking control over aspects of their everyday life, such as where they can go, who they can see, what to wear and when they can sleep
Depriving them access to support services, such as specialist support or medical services
Repeatedly putting them down such as telling them they are worthless
Enforcing rules and activity which humiliate, degrade or dehumanise the victim
Forcing the victim to take part in criminal activity such as shoplifting, neglect or abuse of children to encourage self-blame and prevent disclosure to authorities
Financial abuse including control of finances, such as only allowing a person a punitive allowance
Control ability to go to school or place of study
Taking wages, benefits or allowances
Threats to hurt or kill
Threats to harm a child
Threats to reveal or publish private information (e.g. threatening to 'out' someone)
Threats to hurt or physically harming a family pet
Assault
Criminal damage (such as destruction of household goods)
Preventing a person from having access to transport or from working
Preventing a person from being able to attend school, college or University
Family 'dishonour'
Reputational damage
Disclosure of sexual orientation
Disclosure of HIV status or other medical condition without consent
Limiting access to family, friends and finances

Actually, in civil court, where injunctions are obtained, coercive control isn't that hard to prove. You need only prove beyond reasonable doubt, 51% certainty of a judge. There's no jury, your partner won't be informed until he is served the injunction, and you can get a solicitor and help to apply for legal aid through the National Centre for Domestic Violence. Take about two weeks.

Not funny, sexist, abusive nature

That's never a joke

it's funny if your the woman.its the bloke that's the twatt xx

@ProfessorSillyStuff I was told (last year) by the NCDV that they couldn't help me as my husband hadn't recently threatened me. The truth is he never actually made a threat, he just did things. I came off the phone crying as they had shown no empathy and offered no help, they just shuffled me off the phone in a matter of minutes. It took a while for me to pick myself back up from that. I'm heartened if things have changed now.

It's a very old joke.

I think these days it's a very uncomfortable joke.

If this were an advert I would contact the advertising standards agency to have it banned! It makes a mockery of what is actually emotionally abusive behaviour...!

That should not have happened, mummyofcutetwo! A threat can be historical, decades ago even, if it set the precedent for the power imbalance and control in the relationship. Even a one off. Helps if you had evidence though., if you ever spoke to a counsellor, or doctor etc about it at the time.

The threat has only to be implied. It must be enough that you would try to avoid the outcome, such as

Threat or demonstration of self harm or suicide
Threat to seperate your children and you, shouting, swearing or demeaning you in front of children, threat to harm children, pets
Threat to report to authorities or lie about you
Threat of making homeless, jobless, refusing funds or otherwise destitute
Breaking furniture, personal possessions or damage to property in the home or in presence of your children or you
Threatening to share information or images of you that you want kept private

The "threat" part of the law just sets out that there is a hook on which you have been hung. What do you fear happening if you don't play along with the controller's wishes?

I'm semsitive but it made me laugh . I am a bit funny /quirky amd daft though (in a nice silly way).

Nothing really...I get the joke but I'm confused about why it's on a card 🙈🤔🤨