How does this birthday card make you feel?

[Fretful]

Without giving any background as I would like some unbiased opinions, please

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage OP It's just a crap card, I think it's possible the person who sent it just didn't think it through properly.

I don't like it, for the record. Very trite - the kind a give an eye role and groan then put it in the bin because it's mildly irritating xx

I wouldn't be bothered by it tbh, it's a joke but DP wouldn't find it funny tbh

Now I have read the full thread, I want you to know that he does not have to hit you for you to get help. Collecr evidence of the abuse first, such as emails, messages, photos, even a diary. You can lock him out and then phone the police. Tell them that you are experiencing coercive control and they will help you to get an injunction. Ask for a non molestation order and occupation order. Victims of domestic violence, rise up, use the power of justice given to you by this law, no longer run from your homes while your abusers enjoy their freedom. Refuges are toxic, controlling and isolating environments. They are your aboslute last resort when in danger of harm. If you have done nothing wrong you have nothing to lose, nothing to fear and everything to gain. I am autistic and have two kids under two and I have done it. You can too.

I just showed this to my fiancée...

Made me laugh she said

Its mildly funny...in a 70s down trodden housewife kinda way. My inlaws would find it funny because theyre both tight with the heating..and go to the pub. But its not offensive.

Sounds like a card my passive aggressive ex would send, meant as a dig and to undermine my special day. But done in a way that if you question they just say it’s a joke.

It's in very bad taste IMO

I can see the joke, but would tend to think poorly of someone who thought that was appropriate for a Birthday card.

I've reached out to a local women's charity but it has become clear that there's nothing they can do unless he turns violent. One volunteer actually said, 'he needs to hit you' and another said that I just have to talk to him. Oh, why didn't I think of that?!

Jesus. Why have so few posters picked up on this?

I don’t know what charity you spoke to but it’s NONSENSE that you cannot get help for emotionally abuse. Coercive control is illegal. They sound utterly shit and clueless, or perhaps you misunderstood them.

Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 created a new offence of controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship. ... An offence is committed by A if: A repeatedly or continuously engages in behaviour towards another person, B, that is controlling or coercive

Domestic abuse charities do not recommend women staying in relationships waiting to get hit, they support women to get out before that happens.

Call Women’s Aid 0808 2000 247

Maybe she thought it was a good idea as it would highlight how crap your situation is and might be an extra push for you to leave?

All I can think of.

Xpost with Professor - sound advice.

you really need to leave. Please find the strength for your own health and sanity. It is so hard but not impossible. Huge hugs of support. x

Seaside postcard humour circa 1974 ... the sort of thing Jack Duckworth would say behind the bar at the Rovers

I chuckled and then remembered this is MN and there will be uproar at it.

The card with no context: fine. I would just laugh it off as a generic old joke, albeit a bit dated.

The card sent by someone who knows it might strike a nerve: cruel. It's either in very bad taste as it's too close to the bone or its genuinely nasty. The only thing is, if they've picked up on the power dynamics in your relationship, but don't know you're unhappy, they might think you would laugh it off.

Sorry just realised the post had progressed since I first read it. Hope you ok op x

I would think it was funny but then I'd rather have a funny card than a slushy one.

OP just read your updates. I am interested in your responses from Women's Aid. I went to a women's aid solicitor - my dh is psychologically and emotionally abusive. The solicitor suggested couple's counselling! I was furious with her. It has taken me years and years to finally realise that the problem is not me (or anyone else) failing to find the right words to get through to him, it has taken me years and years to realise that it is not my role to feel sorry for him for his 'deficiencies' or to try to make things work so that he is not unhappy. It has taken me years and years to realise that I matter too and I deserve better than to stay in a relationship with a man who thinks my only worth is in what I give to him. It was deeply distressing to go to somewhere I thought would understand and then for them to be basically enabling his further abuse by encouraging me to just try harder to understand him and make it work.
I'm sorry you had that experience. I know how it feels.

I don’t know what charity you spoke to but it’s NONSENSE that you cannot get help for emotionally abuse. Coercive control is illegal. They sound utterly shit and clueless

The problem Tatiana is that there are plenty of men whose behaviour feels psychologically or emotionally abusive to the women experiencing it but which would not meet the thresohold for illegality.

It's not really funny, but I guess it's from whom you received it that is the issue.

If it was your husband/partner then he needs a metaphorical slap. (I'm assuming a woman just wouldn't send a card like that no matter what flavour your relationship).
It's really more aligned to one of those seaside postcards, but it doesn't convey any good wishes or affection on the front.

Sad

Because I know that lots of women live in marriages like this.

Card without context - just one of a multitude of not very funny cards - one I would buy my mum because my step father is a bugger for fiddling with the heating controls (not maliciously and we all just give him shit for it and make him turn it back up) so it would relate to a family in joke and be taken as such (but still a slightly shit card). My mum and stepfather play thermostatic ping pong all winter every winter without any coercive issues - mum always wins.

With other issues going on in life which the card is only part of - it takes on a different undertone.

I think it depends on the person that the jokes being made about. The card itself seems like it’s having more of a dig but as long as the receiver can take a joke there’s no harm

I honestly think with or with our context this is shocking! It’s not a good idea to make light of domestic abuse! Even if this is meant as a lame joke it’s a harsh reality for some people.

If my other half gave it to me I'd laugh, cos it's stupid and inappropriate. We crack jokes like this to eachother and it's funny becuase we actually love and respect eachother. My point is context is everything.