Fretful Thank you, I am widowed now and contented as I no longer live in fear. Which, coincidentally brings me to your remark that I immediately highlighted before I saw you had replied to me:
I am scared of my husband.
I understand this completely. Mine only hit me once and did do a couple of physical things but none of them featured in the divorce. I had terrible trouble giving reasons for a divorce. The reason was because, I now know, his abuse was what is now recognised as Covert Narcissist. It does not mean they are good at hiding it exactly - the term is always being discussed. They are always described as the worst kind of Narcissist. They are cruel in the most devious and wicked way yet outwardly look like such wonderful people. In public he seemed like the upstanding man of the community. Someone, called Clare B, on YouTube said, ''The secret in the power of the covert narcissist is their ostensibly quiet unassuming nature." At home he terrified me. We ate meals in total terrified silence. We only ate what he allowed. I only filled the dishwasher - bought with my money - in the way he said. I was put-down for everything I said or did. I was accused of making my parents or our children do or say anything he did not like. He was always playing the victim and had a giant chip on his shoulder. When we first met he was boasting about his poor background and saying it was far poorer than mine or anyone else's. He always seemed extremely angry but denied anger. If asked if he was angry he'd say "I'm not angry. I can show you angry if you want me to." He did mean and cruel things to get me blamed. He enjoyed seeing others in trouble. He hated people who had money and made a big deal of never having enough so we had to live on a shoe string. He never gave me any money or had a joint account. I had to work all the time and there was no child-care provision then. He would go for days without talking. He obstructed any good things I planned, such as when we were to take the children to the sea, he put his car across the drive and I could not drive out, or when some friends of the children came round to use a pool we had access to he started cleaning it and said they couldn't get in until he finished - he didn't finish. He thought he was special and clever and that other people did not understand him. He refused to come down to our daughter's 6th birthday party leaving me on my own to mind the children and answer the door to parents. He stayed away for the whole party, upstairs. He would spoil the happiest event,, be it a lovely concert or our child's school play. This was normal. He was extremely manipulative and used passive aggression all the time. He would ridicule me in public and make me feel utterly humiliated, as if I were contemptible and disgusting. He never explained anything, because he was "too clever" and I was "too beneath him". I think he committed suicide because I took the initiative to get a divorce - actually it was a Legal Separation which is the same as far as my being free of him was concerned, - and I was made primary carer of the children. I was also doing another degree and obviously doing well in exams and he could not accept this, having put me down, calling me stupid for 20 years. So it was all nebulous things that were hard to explain. But when I heard his key turn in the door, my stomach would clench with fear and I would be on alert for what kind of mood he was in.
If you are struggling to explain to others just what he is like, I am wondering if your H is in the Covert Narcissist type of behaviour, because people always say how hard they are to describe and how they always look squeaky clean. I'll see if I can find a good description of them:
YouTube: "18 WAYS A COVERT NARCISSIST CAN PERPETUATE FRUSTRATION"
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The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist (Interview with Debbie Mirza) . This one made me sit up. As soon as she said people couldn't say why birthdays etc were so horrible. I knew she was talking about my husband.
Basically be aware of the abuse the label/name for it doesn't matter - it's just useful for looking up information and self-help. (Also, we are not "diagnosing" as some critics say, just simply looking at examples of behaviour that come under those headings.). What you need to be clear about is the abuse and what he does that is abuse. You need to have a clear idea of how you want to be treated and what your boundaries are. e.g. I even had to learn I had the right not to be called foul and disrespectful names, and that making me feel mortified with humiliation in public was not "teasing" and I was not "over-reacting" by saying it was not true. Note all the sorts of abuse: manipulation, controlling and coercive behaviour etc.
I really do hope you can tease out what it is that he does. Try and learn as much as you can. Try and stay calm and do not get sucked in or upset by him. He is feeding on your distress. Try and just expect him to be horrible and don't care, live a separate emotional life from him. Don't argue with him. Just say in a neutral voice "Whatever you say,"or "I will not be doing that". and just stop talking to him.
Good luck! Let us know how you get on.
Lots of love, Elle x