I think shit like this normalises the mistreatment of women and makes the world a dangerous place for us. It's a little wink to abusive men that their behaviour is so normal it's on a 'funny' card.
I don't like it and I'd be very unimpressed with anyone who bought it.
I didn't OP, apologies if you explained on further pages the reasoning behind the question. I was just really commenting on the first post and after glancing over a few after replies, didn't feel the need to read on and give my unbiased opinion as asked on the original post.
You're right, KR30 that I did ask for unbiased opinions in my first post, and thank you for doing that. If you did read further I think you might have phrased your response differently, but insofar as the first post goes, you did exactly what I asked!
This is in many ways the worst of MN, I can in a sense see why OP didn’t tell the whole story but she should have and the chat should be “how can I leave this relationship before it turns violent, help please” the card is a side show, and it may be the IL has tried to make the joke on him even if badly. He probably gets away with it because no one knows, so tell them, tell all the IL and yr own family, protect yourself. But it is a shame that it brings out the worst, the vicious, “jail is the only place for people who spread this” types and yes, the snowflakes with machetes. Not only is a world without being offended in any way impossible it is not to be desired, we are all different. But get a grip on the important stuff and chill with the rest
Fretful Thank you, I am widowed now and contented as I no longer live in fear. Which, coincidentally brings me to your remark that I immediately highlighted before I saw you had replied to me: I am scared of my husband.
I understand this completely. Mine only hit me once and did do a couple of physical things but none of them featured in the divorce. I had terrible trouble giving reasons for a divorce. The reason was because, I now know, his abuse was what is now recognised as Covert Narcissist. It does not mean they are good at hiding it exactly - the term is always being discussed. They are always described as the worst kind of Narcissist. They are cruel in the most devious and wicked way yet outwardly look like such wonderful people. In public he seemed like the upstanding man of the community. Someone, called Clare B, on YouTube said, ''The secret in the power of the covert narcissist is their ostensibly quiet unassuming nature." At home he terrified me. We ate meals in total terrified silence. We only ate what he allowed. I only filled the dishwasher - bought with my money - in the way he said. I was put-down for everything I said or did. I was accused of making my parents or our children do or say anything he did not like. He was always playing the victim and had a giant chip on his shoulder. When we first met he was boasting about his poor background and saying it was far poorer than mine or anyone else's. He always seemed extremely angry but denied anger. If asked if he was angry he'd say "I'm not angry. I can show you angry if you want me to." He did mean and cruel things to get me blamed. He enjoyed seeing others in trouble. He hated people who had money and made a big deal of never having enough so we had to live on a shoe string. He never gave me any money or had a joint account. I had to work all the time and there was no child-care provision then. He would go for days without talking. He obstructed any good things I planned, such as when we were to take the children to the sea, he put his car across the drive and I could not drive out, or when some friends of the children came round to use a pool we had access to he started cleaning it and said they couldn't get in until he finished - he didn't finish. He thought he was special and clever and that other people did not understand him. He refused to come down to our daughter's 6th birthday party leaving me on my own to mind the children and answer the door to parents. He stayed away for the whole party, upstairs. He would spoil the happiest event,, be it a lovely concert or our child's school play. This was normal. He was extremely manipulative and used passive aggression all the time. He would ridicule me in public and make me feel utterly humiliated, as if I were contemptible and disgusting. He never explained anything, because he was "too clever" and I was "too beneath him". I think he committed suicide because I took the initiative to get a divorce - actually it was a Legal Separation which is the same as far as my being free of him was concerned, - and I was made primary carer of the children. I was also doing another degree and obviously doing well in exams and he could not accept this, having put me down, calling me stupid for 20 years. So it was all nebulous things that were hard to explain. But when I heard his key turn in the door, my stomach would clench with fear and I would be on alert for what kind of mood he was in.
If you are struggling to explain to others just what he is like, I am wondering if your H is in the Covert Narcissist type of behaviour, because people always say how hard they are to describe and how they always look squeaky clean. I'll see if I can find a good description of them:
YouTube: "18 WAYS A COVERT NARCISSIST CAN PERPETUATE FRUSTRATION"
pd
The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist (Interview with Debbie Mirza) . This one made me sit up. As soon as she said people couldn't say why birthdays etc were so horrible. I knew she was talking about my husband.
Basically be aware of the abuse the label/name for it doesn't matter - it's just useful for looking up information and self-help. (Also, we are not "diagnosing" as some critics say, just simply looking at examples of behaviour that come under those headings.). What you need to be clear about is the abuse and what he does that is abuse. You need to have a clear idea of how you want to be treated and what your boundaries are. e.g. I even had to learn I had the right not to be called foul and disrespectful names, and that making me feel mortified with humiliation in public was not "teasing" and I was not "over-reacting" by saying it was not true. Note all the sorts of abuse: manipulation, controlling and coercive behaviour etc.
I really do hope you can tease out what it is that he does. Try and learn as much as you can. Try and stay calm and do not get sucked in or upset by him. He is feeding on your distress. Try and just expect him to be horrible and don't care, live a separate emotional life from him. Don't argue with him. Just say in a neutral voice "Whatever you say,"or "I will not be doing that". and just stop talking to him.
Good luck! Let us know how you get on.
Lots of love, Elle x
who is aware I'm in an emotionally/psychologically abusive and manipulative marriage
maybe they're frustrated you're still in the marriage when you acknowledge it's shit?
YesimstillwatchingNetflix
Thanks so much for saying; shit like this normalises the mistreatment of women and makes the world a dangerous place for us
I wholeheartedly agree. I think it teaches children and teenagers, both male and female, that, despite it supposedly being funny, somehow it is ok to have this totally selfish attitude by men to women. I have heard this attitude a lot. Recently a builder, who turned out to be a very evil man anyway, while working on my house would always say when he needed to speak to his wife about something ; '' I'll go and bash the wife round the head and tell her to phone/write ..." He had a junior apprenticed to him who chuckled each time.
This attitude is not funny. If we laugh, we need to stop and think why. What is funny about a selfish and cruel man forcing his wife to be cold in her own home where presumably he does not allow her to adjust the central heating settings? It is an insidious breaking down of decent standards of respect and equality between men and women. Just as you so clearly said, it normalises the mistreatment of women. Brilliantly said! Thanks.
ThumbWitchesAbroad. Thank you. I was explaining the kind of things that he did to me - for over 20 years! - because I thought it might be similar to the OP. I had trouble actually ''seeing'' what he did as abuse because he had worn me down. I am worried that the poor OP is worn down and confused by her H. I just wondered if by giving my story - well, bits of it, it might trigger something for her, helping her see how to describe it, the poor girl. It's incredibly lonely where these people ''keep'' you. He had deceived even my parents into trusting him and believing I was ''just depressed''. My life has been eventful, many traumas I'm afraid, but it does give experience of how to get through.
OP - remember you are not alone! Many of us understand what it is like.
Thanks ellyess for sharing your experience and the detail you have gone into. I think it will help people to understand better. The acting reserved, kind and charitable to others and in public, and horrible behind closed doors, is really manipulative and a scary form of gaslighting to make the victim seem less credible. The narcissist does it to protect themselves against narcissistic injury. Your perpetrator likely committed suicide to avoid narcissistic injury. I'm glad you are free now!
I also agree that YesimstillwatchingNetflix's explanation of why this card shouldn't exist is the best one. I think the relative probably sent it because this stuff really is normal and accepted within their family. Fuck that!
Firstly sorry for all the shit that posters have been through in their relationships. OP I hope you find a way out.
Totally agree with pp that it normalises a shitty outdated view of women/relationships. Really amazed that some posters thought it was about arguments over thermostat settings, that’s evidently not supposed to be the joke.
Also it looks crap. Badly designed, unfunny rubbish.
The problem Tatiana is that there are plenty of men whose behaviour feels psychologically or emotionally abusive to the women experiencing it but which would not meet the thresohold for illegality.
It’s irrelevant. Domestic abuse charities support all wome experiencing abuse whether their abuse breaks the law or not
That wasn't my experience Tatiana, as I outlined and nor was it OPs. Also you referred explicitly to illegality and I responded to that.
Where I live there would be a risk assessment and three different levels of support depending on outcome of that assessment. Each met by different providers. So it's possible that one would not provide support but they would refer you to the other. Not signpost, actually refer.
I have not come across a situation where someone isn't supported at all. I guess local delivery may mean local variation.
However often people want solutions that aren't possible, eg refuge space, free legal representation. Or those things might be possible but there needs to first be an assessment, support worker allocated then options can be considered.
It’s dark humour. You laugh because that’s how you react to something unspeakably depressing. You either get it or you don’t (this tends to be a very good indicator of resilience incidentally).
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Please contact Women's Aid. You do NOT have to be hit by him for it to deserve or get help. You could also call 101 and ask for the DV Unit. They would take you seriously too.
