How does this birthday card make you feel?

[Fretful]

Without giving any background as I would like some unbiased opinions, please

Domestic violence has many forms and DOES NOT have to be just physical. In fact I would say mental abuse can be worse as bruises heal but mental scarring stays with you. Get out op you are worth so much more. Speak to your gp they can advise and help.
The card in the circumstance is very offending. Not very funny I would not like to be on the receiving end of it.💐💐💐 happy birthday and good luck for the future.

The man is:

a) Exclusionary and getting the woman's hopes up falsely re going out
b) Penny pinching and mean with the heating
c) Selfish and nasty

The woman is at his mercy.

I don't think it's at all funny.

The problem Tatiana is that there are plenty of men whose behaviour feels psychologically or emotionally abusive to the women experiencing it but which would not meet the thresohold for illegality.

It’s irrelevant. Domestic abuse charities support all women experiencing abuse whether their abuse breaks the law or not.

Pasta, I find your point of view troubling. You seem to be suggesting it's OK to laugh at sexist or racist jokes as long as you're not the butt of the joke or with someone who is.

That's not what I think and i don't see that in my comments. Growing up my friends and i joked about our own culture, our own religion. We were the butt of our jokes (survival in difficult circumstances). But not when it would be insensitive to do so.

I think posters were seeing the card in the context of stereotypes rather than abuse. And i can see a place for questioning if it's ever ok to joke about stereotypes. Whilst such humour can set the culture for discrimination or abuse (like this card), i don't think it's always so. Humour can perhaps send up or satirise stereotypes. But my point was when the context of the thread is known, I'd rather not ponder or muse over this. (As i am here).

I posted earlier about what has been said to OP. I think these comments can be said in frustration in a situation of a victim trying to change their situation through legal remedies, or perhaps with reference to a refuge place. Yes coercive control is illegal but OP (and DC?) could find herself living in her situation a long time if waiting for a legal solution only. I hope you get some support to think through all options OP.

it's awful and makes me angry

As a survivor of domestic abuse I don't find it funny.

However, I can see how it's funny (in an unfunny way!) if you're in a healthy relationship where both people know that that's not acceptable behaviour, and can just laugh at it together.

So, basically, I think it depends on who it's given by/to and in what manner.

@cricketmum84

And it’s people who post scathing comments about the OP not giving details when the OP has in fact been back more than once and given plenty of details, that make ME not like mumsnet so much.....

Not funny at all. Humour like that belongs in the dustbin of history.

OP I’m so sorry you haven’t had good support

A relationship does not need to be physically abusive to warrant help. You sound sad and desperate and I’m so sorry your ILs sent such a thoughtless card

Have you tried other avenues of support? Women’s aid? Refuge?

Is there anywhere you could go?

What an inappropriate card to send a DIL!!! Its not funny, I'd return it and say the best place for it wasn't with me but straight up their arses.

ManOfKent It was a women who bought it, I'm almost positive.
Maverickgoose Thank you for sharing, and I'm sorry you know what I'm talking about - if that makes sense. I have come to the conclusion my husband is doing 'just enough'. Just enough to wreck me (and the children), but not enough for anyone 'official' to take any action.

Thank you for all replies and opinions, I wasn't expecting such a huge response. If it was a happier topic I'd be more open about making discussion of the day!

@Fretful I've sent you a DM. Contact me if you'd like to x

Take it's from a male to a female. Depends on relationship but not offensive.

In my opinion, the joke was funnier when it was used on Royle Family. To be honest though, I would be more likely to feel offended if I was your husband, as the joke is on him, not you.

I feel like it's a sad old shit 'joke' which isn't funny, and is less funny if you've ever experienced domestic abuse in this way.

mummyofcutetwo Thank you, and I will reply when I can x

I think anyone who grew up with any kind of DV / lack of respect from their father toward their mother would be horrified by that card as most of us are hoping to live in a more equal world these days.

I'm shocked at someone saying a person who didn't find the card funny has a stick up their arse.

Is it funny to go out and turn the heating on and leave the partner at home alone and cold? I think that's tragic.

I think women who think everyone ought to find this funny and if they don't they have sticks up their arses, are probably not the sharpest tools in the box.

I think it's funny and I laugh everytime is see it. I don't see the problem. It's just a joke. There's nothing offensive in this to me, I'd much rather have this than an age birthday card, I find those offensive especially as they're all cliched and so trite.

Yes I love 70s humour for the most part actually. Before the PC brigade took over.

I think women who sit in judgement over those who find this funny aren't the sharpest tools in the box themselves.

It's a card I would give to my grandparents as they would find it funny.

One of my favourite birthday cards was a Bestie one, in which a Samaritan says to a distressed man at the side of the road: "Oh stop moaning about your problems and pull yourself together". At the bottom it said "The Bad Samaritan". Should I have my head cut off on behalf of all the homeless people in the world, for liking this card?

We need some cards of MN tropes. But this would never happen, because the MN collective is that cards are bad for the environment

Mum (breezily entering room): Come on DCs, screen time over!
DCs: Oh mum...
Mum: Don't argue, or there will be consequences.
DCs: Oh mum...
Mum: I've made the rule, I have to follow through.

"I think women who sit in judgement over those who find this funny aren't the sharpest tools in the box themselves."

I'm not sitting in judgement over those who find this funny.

I'm sitting in judgement over those who think people who don't find it funny, have sticks up their arse.

Did you not understand that?

Also for the blunter tools, why would you give a shit if someone else finds it funny or not? If you find it funny, go ahead, guffaw loudly.

Just don't make cunty remarks about people who don't find it funny and then accuse them of judging you.

It's only funny because DP literally turns the heating off before he leaves for work on my day off. He claims I will only be cold if I'm sat doing nothing. Sounds ds harsher written down than he actually says it with half an inch of humour.