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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP just not turning up home!?

171 replies

checkuser · 17/03/2019 04:07

DP and I don't live together so only have one set of keys.

I went out a few weeks ago and he stayed in with our 2 year old. I came home at just after 2:30 in a taxi fairly drunk. I'd messaged back when he'd messaged me within 15 minutes latest every time.

He's gone on about it since, about how it was irresponsible and immature for me to turn up drunk at 'that time' (don't 100% disagree!) and about how when he goes out next to be prepared for him turning up at around the same time at the same level of drunkness. Which was fair to me, otherwise it would have been hypocritical, and as long as he's quiet coming in I don't mind.

So, he's gone out tonight. I've told him he can stay here afterwards. He's told me to leave the door open because he plans on being in late (even though he knows I hate leaving the door open). I left it open from when I went to sleep. I woke up at 3.35am with no sign of him anywhere, the last picture on social media being of him with some guy in a house somewhere. Proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes calling and messaging with no response. Still got nothing.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that he went on since my night out about how I'm an immature drinker for coming in drunk at 2:30 in a taxi, yet I'm sat here at past 4am not knowing where he even is with no sign of him turning up home!!?

OP posts:

Mummadeeze · 17/03/2019 10:24

I have a partner like this. He punishes me for various things including going out by doing the same but much worse. If I go out until 1 or 2 he will disappear until the next afternoon on another night out. My friend bought me a desk calendar of a male celeb as a joke and then he went and bought a sexy hot female calendar and put it on the wall. It is exhausting, he is jealous of any success I have. If I get a new pair of trainers he will buy himself some even if he doesn’t need them. Honestly, I am trying to separate as this is part of a whole other heap of issues but I would also urge you to think hard about whether you want a future with someone like this. You didn’t hurt him deliberately but he absolutely did. It is a control thing.

inlectorecumbit · 17/03/2019 10:25

well if it is tit for tat, one up him again.
Throw him out back to his DP's -- see how he can top that.
This relationship is not going to end well

LannieDuck · 17/03/2019 10:26

Why are you letting him sober up at your house with your DS around? Send him back to his parents - they can deal with him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/03/2019 10:28

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Look at his behaviour. He nagged you about your night out, and said that he would come home drunk late to punish you for doing it. Yes - punish. That is how he saw it. That you need to be punished for your bad, bad behaviour . You presumably did not set out to come home late and drunk, but he did. There is no other explanation for his planning to do so, except to punish you.

Next, he insists you leave the door unlocked "even though he knows I hate leaving the door open". Again, punishing you by manipulating you into doing something you don't want to do.

And now, he is showing his delight in having 'one-upped' by coming back later and drunker than you ever did. Your worry over whether he was OK and over having the door unlocked delights him. HE IS SHOWING YOU WHO HE IS.

And this is all after he fucked off and left his partner and newborn! (You said 'we split', very neutral, but given his recent behaviour I'm guessing he didn't try too hard to stay together.)

Please, please, do not give him a key to your home. You said you "wanted to treat it like a new relationship incase it didn't work" - it hasn't worked. He's an immature tosspot who does not deserve you, and a controlling asshat to boot.

You may be feeling pressure to try to make it work because he is the father of your child, the family should be a faaaamily, blah de blah - reject this pressure, it's working on a false premise that a child needs the traditional family structure to thrive. No, they don't. They need loving people around them to model good behaviour, your child absolutely does not need to grow up seeing their father manipulate and control their mother. Don't inflict this manchild on them, they deserve better and so do you.

Gruffin · 17/03/2019 10:40

Telling you to keep your door unlocked makes him either dum and irresponsible or he doesn’t really care about you. Possibly both.

Pinkprincess1978 · 17/03/2019 10:43

You need another key cut. It's really stupid and irresponsible to only have one key to your home. What would you do if you lost that while out shopping? Don't say you can't afford a key cut as you can both afford to go out drinking until the early hours of the morning. Two/three less drinks while out would have paid for a door key.

I certainly wouldn't leave the door (knowingly) unlocked once I had gone to sleep. Not only could someone get in but your two year old could get out.

Personally knowing he intended to stop of late and get a drunk as you were as some kind of pay back I wouldn't have offered to let him stop with you even if it did mean a long bus ride. I bet him parents wouldn't put up with that behaviour!

Next time you want a night out tell him to take your dc to his home for the night so you can come in when you like and be as drunk as you want!

Sexnotgender · 17/03/2019 10:44

How do you find this childish cretin even remotely attractive?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 17/03/2019 10:49

You've had a child with a child.

Fantastic.

Cut your parental role model loser loose and tell him to grow the hell up. Your child deserves better.

HogMother · 17/03/2019 10:50

So it’s a reaction to you going out? Best never go out again op. Ditch those friends before they drift away.
Obviously not, but this could easily be the first in a long line of game playing

Happynow001 · 17/03/2019 11:04

No OP. When he comes out the shower, you send him home. Then you arrange a contact day for him to see his son and you take it from there.

Absolutely this! ^^.

Sorry OP but he's behaving like an immature idiot! Pack his bag and send him back to his mummy - he can co-parent from a distance. You certainly don't want to get any further in a relationship with someone who behaves like this - he's still got too much growing up to do.

As for an extra set of keys: is it possible to put a second set in a secure key safe by your door - for your own sake? Are you able to leave a set with trusted friends or relatives nearby?

Merryoldgoat · 17/03/2019 11:07

@LakieLady

He’d be home looking after the children - that’s why he can’t pick me up!

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/03/2019 11:13

If one up him with a boot out of the door. This is not how you treat a partner, team mate, co parent.

YouTheCat · 17/03/2019 11:24

Don't give him a key.

His attitude is awful. He's too immature to be a decent father and partner. Let him toddle off home to his mummy.

ohfourfoxache · 17/03/2019 11:43

Fucking hell, just get rid of him. Nasty, inconsiderate, controlling cuntweasel

OffToBedhampton · 17/03/2019 11:47

my Kingdom I think.OP would be reasonable to send him home in this instance. It's not tit for tat. She invited him to sleep there that night, not turn up in a poor state the next morning and effectively be looked after by her when she has a toddler to care for and he doesn't live there. He's being annoying laughing arriving the next day in a drunken state. He should go to his home as he'll be no added value today to her and their child's life. This isn't a good contact day for the child. He's NRP, 6 months into a renewed relationship, so imo, yes, she ought put herself and her child first today because it won't be a positive day otherwise and she'll resent it. Better to send him back to his house and keep their relationship boundaries clear and positive.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 17/03/2019 11:59

When I said to him that my night and his night weren't even or comparable, he said 'yeah, I've one upped you, haven't I?'

This would be the end of my relationship.
My partner is meant to be my teammate, were supposed to be equal and even in disagreement on the same side! It's supposed to be us together against all the shit out in the world.

Life is hard enough without the person who's meant to love you treating you as an enemy who needs one upped on and making a conscious choice to plan a set of decisions that they know will cause distress and pain and then to gain pleasure (laugh and giggle at) from seeing that pain and distress!

Fuck that, absolutely fuck that!

dragonsfire · 17/03/2019 12:08

Well save the money on the extra keys!

He is young but old enough to make a child so needs to act it. Of course can have night out now and then but all night with no contact is showing disrespect and also no concern that you would worry!!!

Send him home and go back to co-parenting not together he is clearly not mature enough to have a relationship as well as being a father.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2019 12:18

Send him back to mummy. Permanently.

OffToBedhampton · 17/03/2019 12:18

Oooh myKingdom I appologise I'd missed OPs update, you were referring to his comment that OP relayed. Quite right in your comment too!

OP have you sent him home ? I think you'd be best to do that as he isn't adding any value to your day now.

UnspiritualHome · 18/03/2019 10:03

When I said to him that my night and his night weren't even or comparable, he said 'yeah, I've one upped you, haven't I?'

What a toddler. I hope you've "one upped" him by chucking him out, OP?

FrozenMargarita17 · 18/03/2019 13:49

OP please leave him.

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