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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP just not turning up home!?

171 replies

checkuser · 17/03/2019 04:07

DP and I don't live together so only have one set of keys.

I went out a few weeks ago and he stayed in with our 2 year old. I came home at just after 2:30 in a taxi fairly drunk. I'd messaged back when he'd messaged me within 15 minutes latest every time.

He's gone on about it since, about how it was irresponsible and immature for me to turn up drunk at 'that time' (don't 100% disagree!) and about how when he goes out next to be prepared for him turning up at around the same time at the same level of drunkness. Which was fair to me, otherwise it would have been hypocritical, and as long as he's quiet coming in I don't mind.

So, he's gone out tonight. I've told him he can stay here afterwards. He's told me to leave the door open because he plans on being in late (even though he knows I hate leaving the door open). I left it open from when I went to sleep. I woke up at 3.35am with no sign of him anywhere, the last picture on social media being of him with some guy in a house somewhere. Proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes calling and messaging with no response. Still got nothing.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that he went on since my night out about how I'm an immature drinker for coming in drunk at 2:30 in a taxi, yet I'm sat here at past 4am not knowing where he even is with no sign of him turning up home!!?

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 17/03/2019 06:32

The question about why don’t you live together could reveal an awful lot more about the situation/relationships which would be relevant to any dicuasions about this situation.

Get another set of keys cut because always handy to have a spare and a set for the baby sitter.

I can’t see any wrong with going out until 2.30 in the morning when your child was being looked after by his father - is his father in some way not capable for looking after his child for one night?

He is deliberately doing this to punish you which is immature and manipulative. Is he normally jealous or controlling?

KaleidoscopeEyes · 17/03/2019 06:37

Agree 100% with Jengnr He is punishing you so you do as you're told in the future.

anniehm · 17/03/2019 06:41

Get a second set of keys to keep for such occasions if you don't want them to have a set permanently - you both deserve to have the odd night out but need to be able to go to bed

RebootYourEngine · 17/03/2019 06:54

He sounds controlling. Making a fuss because you went on a night out.

snowdrop6 · 17/03/2019 06:57

He's punishing you...he dosnt trust you,when you went out he was wondering what you were doing.he wants you to feel the same or worse.so he's trying to make you suffer .thats why he's deliberately not answered his phone.or replied...

Doyouavocado · 17/03/2019 06:57

Yea he’s behaving this just to punish you but why are you both monetering each other on what Time you are getting in. Just because you heave a child it doesn’t mean you can’t stay out late from time to time, there is still 1 responsible looking after the child the next day.

KTCluck · 17/03/2019 06:59

I think your DP’s reaction to you coming in late and drunk after a night out is ridiculous. If you were in such a state you woke him and DC up and required looking after, or if he’d been expecting you earlier and had been very worried about you then I can understand him being annoyed and grumbling about it to you the next day. To deliberately make sure he comes in late just to get back at you is very petty though. If he’s often like that with you and it isn’t just a one off I’d definitely be reconsidering whether getting back together was for the best.

I can understand why it made sense for him to stay at yours rather than going home, but that’s you doing him a favour and he should be at least responding to you. I’d definitely be getting another key cut for next time he’s out. DH once lost his key before a night out. He knew I’d be locking the door when I went to bed and if he was back after that he ran the risk of not being able to wake me and he’d have to stay with one of the friends he’d been out with. He was late, sent me a text when he was outside, waited patiently for me to let him in and went to bed on the sofa so I didn’t have to endure his beer breath and snoring. No drama.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 17/03/2019 07:02

It's all a bit childish. Him giving you a hard time for one night out, you both being petty about him "paying you back" for that night. One set of keys is barmy - what if someone loses them??

How old are you all? Sounds like you have a bit of growing up to do.

Oysterbabe · 17/03/2019 07:04

Why on earth wouldn't you get a couple of spare keys cut?

I hope he is suitably shame faced when he shows up but something tells me he won't be.

swingofthings · 17/03/2019 07:06

I don't understand why if you are not living together you both feel to have the right to have a say as to the time either of you get back from a night out. Surely that's one of the differences between sharing your life living together and being boyfriend/girlfriend but not committed enough to sharing your life together?

It sounds like you need to clarify with each other the status of your relationship.

cantfindname · 17/03/2019 07:07

Every week there are threads similar to this. I make a bet with myself as to how many there will be.

If your OH/DP/Fiancee/BF behaves like this when why are you all with them? It's obviously a massive issue in many lives and has to be a sure pointer to a poor relationship in other areas.

Original poster
checkuser · 17/03/2019 07:09

I'll definitely be getting keys cut - it just isn't something that's been needed so I just haven't got round to getting it done, although has always been in the back of my mind!

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 17/03/2019 07:10

I agree hrs trying to punish you or make a point 'I'll show you how I felt', best response is no response. He wants you to react so don't. When you see him just ask him if he had a good time, no snipey comments etc like he did, don't engage in his nonsense

TapasForTwo · 17/03/2019 07:11

I don't think asking why they don't live together was an unreasonable question TBH.

CleanAndPaidFor · 17/03/2019 07:15

Is he home?

liitlepenguin · 17/03/2019 07:15

Just bin him OP! I cannot believe you want to put up with this shit

Original poster
checkuser · 17/03/2019 07:16

@CleanAndPaidFor nope. Still heard nothing either.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 17/03/2019 07:18

Don’t get another key cut.

Make the split permanent - he’s a controlling wankstain and you deserve better.

He is “punishing” you for going out, and you have had very little sleep because of his selfish, manipulative actions. Those aren’t the actions of someone who loves you - those are the actions of a controlling bully.

Please wake up - he is NOT a good man.

scubadive · 17/03/2019 07:19

You left the door open or unlocked?

Either way you are both completely irresponsible to behave like this with a 2 year old and to leave them in an unsecured house while you sleep, shocking.

HomoHeinekenensis · 17/03/2019 07:20

He sounds about 14. He sounds controlling and an utter dick. I wouldn't want him anywhere near me with his attitude let alone giving the pillock a key.

Seriously OP do you want to stay with someone that speaks to you like this?

LadyRochfordsDeletedGusset · 17/03/2019 07:21

At the very least OP he seems terribly immature by staying out later and being out of contact for longer presumably to make a point/make you worry?. I don't think there was anything wrong with your night out in the first place.

How old is he out of interest? Because he's acting like a child.

KnobJockey · 17/03/2019 07:28

Why on earth are you listening to him complaining about being drunk and coming in at 2.30? You're an adult! Your child's was being suitably looked after! Split up with him and send DS to him every other weekend, noone to complain about you having a life then.

kbPOW · 17/03/2019 07:33

He does not care about you or your 2 uear old and told you to leave the door unlocked
He told you to expect punishment and he's done it! I'd go back to exes if I were you!

Nannewnannew · 17/03/2019 07:34

I hope things get sorted for you OP, but as previous posters have said it does sound like a tit-for-tat situation, which smacks of a childish attitude.

Also, in your OP, you say that you messaged him back within 15 minutes whilst you were out, was he messaging you regularly during the evening, because if so, it sounds like he doesn’t trust you? Or is this something that people do nowadays, cos if it is it would drive me nuts!

Nanna50 · 17/03/2019 07:34

Well if this is making a go of it and treating each other like being in a new relationship it isn't working is it? Its times like this when people realise why they split up.

Firstly he should have no comment, other than did you have a good night? when you roll in drunk at 2.30 am and you shouldn't have to reply to his texts all night.

Secondly he should not need to do the same himself, its not tit for tat and then he should not disrespect you by arranging to come to yours and not turning up.

And thirdly if this was a new relationship would you continue, I doubt it.

As a single parent you already do the majority of parenting yourself, you don't need the baggage of a man child on your back.

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