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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP just not turning up home!?

171 replies

checkuser · 17/03/2019 04:07

DP and I don't live together so only have one set of keys.

I went out a few weeks ago and he stayed in with our 2 year old. I came home at just after 2:30 in a taxi fairly drunk. I'd messaged back when he'd messaged me within 15 minutes latest every time.

He's gone on about it since, about how it was irresponsible and immature for me to turn up drunk at 'that time' (don't 100% disagree!) and about how when he goes out next to be prepared for him turning up at around the same time at the same level of drunkness. Which was fair to me, otherwise it would have been hypocritical, and as long as he's quiet coming in I don't mind.

So, he's gone out tonight. I've told him he can stay here afterwards. He's told me to leave the door open because he plans on being in late (even though he knows I hate leaving the door open). I left it open from when I went to sleep. I woke up at 3.35am with no sign of him anywhere, the last picture on social media being of him with some guy in a house somewhere. Proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes calling and messaging with no response. Still got nothing.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that he went on since my night out about how I'm an immature drinker for coming in drunk at 2:30 in a taxi, yet I'm sat here at past 4am not knowing where he even is with no sign of him turning up home!!?

OP posts:
GimmeBread · 17/03/2019 08:59

^^ Everything @Nanna50 said.

DointItForTheKids · 17/03/2019 09:00

I wouldn't be cutting keys, I'd be taking his key off him and ending the relationship.

MangoBananaSleep · 17/03/2019 09:02

Send him to his Mum’s. Tell him to stay there.

greeneyedlulu · 17/03/2019 09:03

Why, if don't live together, did you say come over to yours??
And you can't be the carefree gf and then phone solidly for 20 minutes at 4am.
Leave him to it, he's and big boy and can look after himself but he no longer gets to judge you and then time you trawl in!

huggybear · 17/03/2019 09:04

He sounds delightful OP.

People are being OTT about the foot though, do people in your neighbourhood regularly test doors just to see if they're open?

daisychain01 · 17/03/2019 09:05

You're both great role models for your child. Not.

BirdieInTheHand · 17/03/2019 09:07

@myfoolishnoatisleaning Of course it's relevant why they don't live together, as is the OPs response that they've only been back together 6mths.

If things are this shit after 6mths, especially when it's a "second chance" the OP should run away fast.

Original poster
checkuser · 17/03/2019 09:08

@daisychain01 sorry, what?

OP posts:
greeneyedlulu · 17/03/2019 09:10

Shut up daisy..... a parent is allowed a night off! How do you know wasn't the OP's first night out in 3 years?
A mother is allowed a night off otherwise they become as tightly wound as you!
Granted her partner is being dick, but you are also being one to be so judgey!

Original poster
checkuser · 17/03/2019 09:11

@greeneyedlulu thank you - I do rarely go out.

OP posts:
KarenOnCrack · 17/03/2019 09:12

Yes DFOD Daisy pls.

greeneyedlulu · 17/03/2019 09:17

Got your back, check!
But you need to have a serious think about your relationship, I know exactly how you feel as I broke up with my son's father when he was 11 months old, we tried again but I realised it wasn't going to work. We are now on good terms and ds is happy and see his dad every week and all is calm and good.

CostanzaG · 17/03/2019 09:18

daisychain elaborate please?

CleanAndPaidFor · 17/03/2019 09:21

Do you mind me asking how old he is OP? He sounds very immature. You sound as though you're more than able to cope without him.

snowone · 17/03/2019 09:23

I would re-open the door and ask him to leave. Surely there is some sort of public transport running now so he can go back to his mums and sober up?? No point letting him ruin the rest of your day with a stinking hangover is there??

CaseofEllen · 17/03/2019 09:24

Going out until 2.30 and keeping in contact with your DP throughout the night is hugely different to going out until 7/8am and not keeping in contact.

I don't think you did anything wrong on your night out OP! My DP would be fine, whatever time I got home, as long as DS was looked after and I was keeping in contact.

He sounds immature and controlling. Trying to almost punish you for your night out and justify his own crappy behaviour.

Merryoldgoat · 17/03/2019 09:31

If I’d been out and got home drunk at 2.30, DH would laugh at me, make sure I went to bed with some water and painkillers and make me a bacon sandwich in the morning.

Why did you split up in the first place? It sounds to me like you should make it permanent. He’s a nasty controlling git from the sound of it.

keepingbees · 17/03/2019 09:35

He's trying to 'teach you a lesson' by going one better. I'd get out. My ex went in an epic sulk with me after my one and only night out (with his family and home sober by 11:30) and proceeded to then do just what your DP has done. Went out until all hours, off radar and wanting the door kept unlocked all night. It's control.

Original poster
checkuser · 17/03/2019 09:37

@CleanAndPaidFor he's 22. Not shocking really, is it? Hmm

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 17/03/2019 09:39

It’s a bad idea to only have one set of keys in case you have your bag stolen or lose them. What would happen if say the person caring for your child needs to take them to the hospital unexpectedly for example? They would also be unable to pop to the shops or take your child out if needed etc. I know you only leave your 2yo rarely. But things happen, which are out of your control sometimes.

Apart from this, what’s he like in general?

Seaweed42 · 17/03/2019 09:43

Allowing him stay at yours just turns you back into 'Mummy' for the night and then he gets to have control of you.
Like I presume he does with own Mummy.
He was posting pictures because he knows you constantly check to see what he's posting.
Do not give him a key. He will just increase the levels of control over you.

cstaff · 17/03/2019 09:45

He sounds like an immature idiot and all because you had the cheek to have a night out yourself. Fuck that. Show him the door permanently and definitely no keys. What a prize dickhead.

reindeermania · 17/03/2019 09:46

What a twat. Giggling? Laughing? At what? You? He's proud of himself and your upset delights him so much he can't contain his fucking glee?

If he went out and got carried away and stayed at a mates house that's not great but I can see how it happened. If he wanted revenge (!!) and did this purposely it's sad and pathetic but I could still sort of understand- he was hurt and wanted to show you how it felt. I can't honestly say I've never acted in spite.

But to do it and then find it hilarious that you have been worried? He's planned this and is just brimming with how thrilled he is to have "one upped" your night. I couldn't stand to be laughed at. He's just a horrible person. Immature too. But in the main, he's just not nice. He's not kind. I couldn't be with a spiteful nasty man

ScarletBitch · 17/03/2019 09:47

I would not get any keys cut, OP really get your head together and think hard if you think he can berate you over your night out, yet not turn up after arranging leaving you and your small child alone with the door unlocked!

Original poster
checkuser · 17/03/2019 09:48

@reindeermania funny you should say that. When I said to him that my night and his night weren't even or comparable, he said 'yeah, I've one upped you, haven't I?'

OP posts:
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