I think I’ve been wendied or just been frozen out and it hurts

[DitzyPrints]

So pathetic to be upset about this as I have some really lovely friends but...
Dd started school last year and I was already friends with 4 of the mums from different settings I knew one from babygroup, one from preschool etc
As school started I invited them on play dates and introduced everyone, we went on nights out with them and DHs, bbqs etc for the last few months I’ve felt a frosty atmosphere with one in particular at school gates. There’s been some nights me and Dh not invited to but again last night they were all out again and it’s plastered all over social media.
Not sure what I’ve done but it hurts and they must know they are rubbing my face in it.

There are a little group around here who have behaved in a similar way towards me and others. One minute friends, next somehow uninvited. It did hurt but they did me a favour really as they were v bitchy about everyone really and I didn't want to be like that. I still wondercwhat I did though! My mum died in January and they all know through a mutual friend but none of them have messaged me. Says it all really! Just move on and rise above it OP.

What’s your Facebook presence like? Are you constantly posting political opinions? Maybe they are leavers and you are a remainer or something?

you're doing the right thing, continue to ignore them completely

Seriously this is why I don't bother. I speak to two moms at my daughter's school if I see them, they are both old school friends. If they aren't there I sit on the bench with my kindle, earphones in. I had enough of that bullshit at school I don't need to relive it now! I wouldn't even bother asking, it just gives whoever the instigator of your exclusion power and satisfaction.

Mrex you seem determined to pick over my posts. It is odd. I try to do no harm/ cause no pain. Is that something that needs to be picked over?! 🤔 We would all say that we don't want to hurt or exclude others probably, but when you have been on the receiving end of this crap, then rationalising anything that excludes somebody is not comfortable. I dont mean to be rude but I dont need to apologise or justify the fact that I strive to live up to a standard (of behaviour) to others.

I'm pleased you have removed them from your social media page. I particularly like the earlier poster's comment who said social media was a joy killer, it certainly is from my experience!

If you choose, if using FB you can still have people on your friends list, but not have them see your activity and you can unfollow them too.

There are two pages of options as to whether you want to add the friend as family, friends or another group. Those I'm a bit questionable about, I tick the restricted box and have my privacy settings up high so only the friends/family category see what I'm up to. (if that helps at all).

A bit of advice an older Mum who has taken me under her wing gave was to stay away from having anything to do with the locals. She like you was excluded until they bought a new car, and then had invitations flowing left, right and centre to come out with the clicky group which she ignored as it was too late by then.

I have tried to find out why I have been shunned or left out at times and no one will ever come out and just say what the issue might be. My older friend who knows most involved says the ring leader is a well known manipulative bully and moves on to new targets when she has used up the contacts she has.

Either or, I wish you good luck in finding a new warmer group to be social with.

Keep your dignity and get on with your life , happily. If they are being mean they are not worth a second thought however if there’s a genuine mistake they will be back. Enjoy your family , keep smiling and let the Mums play their games . Just don’t rise

Social media absolutely is the thief of joy - comparison is the thief of joy of course and social media encourages that.

I’m dreading this BS when DD starts school. I prefer male company anyway and am more likely to talk to the dads. Which prob won’t go down well lol

Sorry OP it sounds awful and you have other decent friends so defo move on

I had a similar thing happen to me at the end of last year. I posted on here and got some good wide ranging advice.

I decided not to ask initially but went on the assumption that the friendship was over and sought to forge some new ones and make more of an effort to see other friends who aren't quite so local. I'm really pleased I did, whereas it still doesn't have that comfortable feeling with the new friendships I have connected with some interesting people, and it has been lovely seeing other friends more. Unfortunately, despite her behaviour to the contrary, this friend wouldn't let me go and I did end up having to have it out with her. It achieved nothing and she played complete dumb - there was something going on (similar to what’s been happening to you, I sounded out my DH and two completely independent people who all agreed there was) but I think the motives behind it were clearly so pathetic/bitchy that it would have been too embarrassing to admit. I suspect that this is what's happening here and that it is one person influencing the others.

I would keep a wide berth, and then if one of them contacts you individually which I expect they will then you can decide whether to have a conversation. Especially as you were the original friend. Don't message them as a group.

This is pretty common amongst school mums in my experience. Everyone’s friendly to everyone initially, but then a core group seems to form at the expense of anyone considered not good enough. It’s like being a schoolgirl all over again.

It hurts but ultimately you just have to keep your dignity and move on with your life, as Sydney3 said. Either stay cool, civil and polite, or just plain blank them - whichever makes you feel better

I’ve faced a similar scenario but at the same time don’t want my kids to be ostracised too. I’ve had loads of play dates and it’s resulted in my place being the house all the kids wanna come to. It’s great for my kids as well as their mates and I’ve suddenly found my own group of lovely mummies who I genuinely can relax and laugh with! The old clan are now very friendly all of a sudden and I’ll keep them at arms length whilst still hosting and having fun with their kids. Sometimes you need to find your own music and dance to your own beat... it’s very hurtful at the time but it’s all about having fun with your kids. You’d never have been involved with these witches if it wasn’t through kids, so make it about the kids and have fun! When they see how you really are (who can fake it with kids) they might reevaluate what friendship means, especially when their snooty peers are more interested in socialising. Worst case scenario, your kids and the rest think you’re the best. Good luck, chin up and have some fun x

Some people carve a very particular crowd for themselves because it makes them feel exclusive

Just quoting this because yes, this is how it is! The self appointed “alpha” mums in my child’s class soon assembled a clique and a secret WhatsApp group. They also - get this - developed their own hashtag for social media. All photos of days out with kids/nights out at bars was hashtagged #ourgang (I may have changed it slightly to avoid being recognised )

Now the classes have been mixed up the hashtag has changed to #forevergang

It’s puketastic.

Now I’m not saying there’s a problem with friendship groups emerging within a class, of course. But this was more than that. The playground atmosphere changed so quickly, from everyone mingling and exchanging small talk to a distinct divide - popular mums vs. non-popular mums. I found the “popular” mums outright frosty and unwilling to even manage a smile and a hello.

Tinkly and harrysnotter I think it's my village too

I always feel a little on the outside of friendship groups. Then I think I try too hard (not necessarily consciously) and lack self esteem so just never really fit in. Slowly I'm realising I can only be me and not to beat myself up (as much) over the behaviour of others

This type of thing is all very common I suspect on is power crazed and has engineered things to deliberately leave you out with possibly a bit of shit stirring thrown in against you. The others are following her like blind sheep.
Move on if the others are genuine friends they will make efforts to get in touch if not let them follow the pipe piper till she eventually ditches or replaces them as surplus to requirements. Read a book by Elizabeth Forbeth callee something like a little bit crazy.

Sorry Elizabeth Forbes.

I would stay superficially friendly but work on building up other friendships.

^This

My DCs are now at secondary school so I have the benefit of hindsight. IME junior school mum friendships can sometimes create a collective idiocy and the LAST thing you should do is make a bigger drama out of it.

There were some right dramas at our school, sometimes involving me, sometimes not. Friendships would blow up over ridiculous things, dissipate then often reunite. It was horrid at the time, but me and the good friends I kept can laugh about it now. In a funny way we're almost nostalgic for it, as we have so little to do with our DCs school lives now!

You'll be doing the same thing in about eight years time OP, but in the meantime the best of luck in navigating it all. You sound lovely! ♥️

I’d hold your head high and ignore them. A polite nod in the playground and nothing more. I’d want to ask too but it would be of no help and just give them further fuel for their gossip.

My kid is in a very small class and the mums clique only excludes two of us. I Have no desire to be part of their gang but when one of them held a milestone birthday party they invited everyone (incl kids) but not the “ two rejects” (TM) - I could think of nothing worse than attending but at school on the Monday the kids all spoke of this amazing party and my poor kid was left out and it makes her feel awful. I’ll admit to feeling awkward when the parents all spoke of their hangovers and drunken shenanigans quite openly in the playground. I hate how these people transfer their clique behaviours to their kids and my poor innocent and very lovely child is ostracised. They can say and do what they want to me but not my child.

What does wendied mean?
It's times like this I'm happy to be autistic because most of this subtle interaction goes over my head and I wouldn't want to spend time with any of the school mums. I avoid it like the plague.

I was at work when all the females went out for lunch together. I did not know until my manager brought me cakes to make me feel better. Horrible feeling.I didn't do anything they just didn't like me.

If I was to give unsolicited advice to any parents whose first child was starting school, it would be - be friendLY to the other parents, but don't become BFF friendS. Save that for people you know outside school, or at least for parents whose kids are in other year levels to yours.

My kids are in high school or beyond now, and when I run into the parents I was friendLY with during their primary school years, we more or less pick up from the fairly superficial 'relationship' we had before. Just about every BFF friendship group I was aware of during my kids' primary years has more or less fallen away due to one drama or another, or just simply because the primary school connection wasn't there any more.

You won't get the truth from them if you ask. Actions speak louder than words. Glad you are moving on and focusing on your real friends.

I’d message her and get some closure

I have been here too, but with old school friends, even though we have been friends for 30 years, they constantly seem to leave me out, it's hurtful, but I think it's because I am a carer for my husband and they all work, so I'm not in the same financial league as them.

people have different friendships 'levels' and, well, needs.

I have 4 closest friends.. I am totally comfortable with them, and a night out with the 5 of us wouldn't trigger my social anxiety.

We have a wider group too, and larger group nights out happen but they tend to be just sticking to a local pub or restaurant.

Some of the wider group trigger my anxiety something terrible.

To be honest. I'm now at a point in my life where I don't want to have to constantly second guess if I am upsetting people if I do x, y or z. I don't want to not post on social media because of someone else's ego.

An example. planned night out with my 4 closest friends last week. a 6th person heard us talking about it and invited themselves along. This person has had a shockingly bad time of things recently, and really deserved a good night out.

but I know now that a 7th person is offended they weren't invited. There are probably 8th, 9th and 10th people the same.. but sorry, we can't invite every single person we might possibly offend.