I think I’ve been wendied or just been frozen out and it hurts

[DitzyPrints]

So pathetic to be upset about this as I have some really lovely friends but...
Dd started school last year and I was already friends with 4 of the mums from different settings I knew one from babygroup, one from preschool etc
As school started I invited them on play dates and introduced everyone, we went on nights out with them and DHs, bbqs etc for the last few months I’ve felt a frosty atmosphere with one in particular at school gates. There’s been some nights me and Dh not invited to but again last night they were all out again and it’s plastered all over social media.
Not sure what I’ve done but it hurts and they must know they are rubbing my face in it.

I know this sounds harsh but maybe they just don't get on with you as well as each other? People don't always gel and it takes time and repeated interactions to see that sometimes.

@DitzyPrints, I used to think this kind of school gate drama was an utter myth, until I experienced it myself. It's awful.

Is there an 'alpha' in the group? I ask this because of my own experiences, there were a few of us in a friendship group. Not joined at the hip but we would go for nights out occasionally, go to the theatre etc. Some of us were closer than others and saw each other more often. So far so normal. I was always one of the quieter ones and closest to one particular friend, although we all considered each other to be pretty good friends. This all continued happily for about 6 years when one woman (self-appointed alpha) fell out with her two closest friends. My friend and I felt really sorry for her and asked her out on a couple of nights with us, although we were still friends with the other two women as well, it wasn't our argument. This woman made it very clear within about 6 weeks that I was surplus to requirements and very subtly started to exclude me, ignore me, physically turn her back on me when we were in company and generally pretend I didn't exist. She well and truly targeted my friend as her next conquest - I often wondered why there seemed to be so many people in her life who came and went.

It was such an odd time. I knew if I said anything I would sound like a loon, as it was never obvious to anyone else and always subtle when in company. I made the decision to let it lie as I felt that if my friend was the person I thought she was, she would see what was going on and it would work out. She did and it did. My friend realised that when she asked where I was and was told I couldn't make it, I just hadn't been invited. Alpha woman absolutely lost the plot when people started asking why she had told various lies about situations etc and it wasn't a very nice time for anyone.

My advice would be to leave it OP, if any of these women are your real friends they will ask where you are and arrange to see you anyway. If they're not, you're best out of it. It all sounds so infantile and childish (because it is) but it can be devastating when it happens to you.

What's your husbands relationship like with the dads?
I'd wonder about this too. The issue might not be with you but him but they don't want to upset you by telling you so.

It’s a nice thought to ask what’s happened, but in reality you’ll never get a polite response and only give them more reason to exclude you, because they are now embarrassed.

In your shoes I’d simply remove yourself from any groups and block on fb. No point in putting yourself through the ringer seeing what they are up to.

It’s hurtful, but as my mum would say, ‘if they are treating you like this, then they aren’t good friends’

Move on and leave them to it, chances are once they’ve realised you’re gone they’ll turn on another member of the group

It’s all very dramatic though isn’t it?! As adults sometimes you are invited to things sometimes not. Doesn’t mean you strike them off as friends forever “they are dead to me now” etc. Adult friendships don’t work like that why so intense? I get emotional security from dh friends I enjoy their company sometimes they do stuff without me and I them. Lower your expectations maybe

School mum "friends"... aren't, typically, friends, I'm afraid. They're a bunch of women thrown together purely through a shared choice of schooling. Smile, exchange banal pleasantries by all means, but don't think that you'll still be in each others lives when your child(ren) are adults.

Having said that, OP, of course your confusion hurts - what these people have done to you is awful. And of course, you'd dearly like to find out why... but as others have said: don't ask them. Don't hand them the stick to beat you with. You'll be labelled as "clingy" and/or "needy", and... no. Just... don't. Move on. Smile serenely whenever you're near them, as though you have a private joke. Look them up and down, then smile and glide on past... It'll drive them batty. But don't ask them what you've done to offend them, because chances are they're just bitches and you're not (at least; you don't sound like you are!), and that's all it will boil down to. They may not have a reason, other than you're a nice person - and they're collectively not. It might be that your child has done or said something to offend them, without even being aware of it. It might be that one of them fancies your other half. Whatever it is... don't give them that power over you. You're better than that, I'm sure, OP.

Yes, manipulating the social dynamics is a thing. But if you verbalise it, you end up looking like the crazy one. And why? we all know it happens. Weird really.

I had a woman in work do hundreds of tiny things all of them nothing on their own but all micro-decisions that supported a frame of excluding me. She did it very successfully as well! I knew for a whole year if I said anything I'd look crazy, so I tried to just maintain relaxed but sincere relationships where possible with others in the work place. Eventually I cracked and snapped at her and then shortly after that she had ''permission'' to arrange lunches and exclude me. Not only that but when everybody got back from lunch their narrative was that I was stewing in paranoia about having been excluded! She was really really really successful at being a bully because everybody else thought she was LOVELY.

I would not send a group message.

I would speak privately to the one I had felt closest to and ask what the hell is going on ! And I mean in person, not by text.

Are they all SAHM/part timers who have more time to meet alone (gym, coffee etc.)?
This can definitely shape circles of friends. When I have not been working, my kids and I were in the middle of everything. When working a lot, we just weren't in the loop.

I wouldn't send a group text they will lie and brush it off. Catch the nicest one in person and directly ask her why you are being left out of events. Most likely one of them doesn't like you and is doing all the arranging.

If you are always the one that is getting left out, I would not waste time on them, just widen your horizons and make other friends, and distance yourself from them! Op is feeling a frosty vibe towards her, so I suspect that they are trying to freeze her out, gradually leaving her out of things in the hope that she goes.

In my experience, it's not the ''alpha'' who is the bitch. It's somebody who is a wannabe but who is ''acting up'' to be Queen Bee. It's not their natural role at all and they're secretly terrified that their lynchpin within the group could be jeopardised by somebody with a good personality.

I will sound arrogant typing this I think but when I was excluded at work I was excluded by a woman who was desperate for validation. People ONLY BOTHER TO DEFEND WHAT'S VULNERABLE, ie, her friendships with people I was open to being friends with. She detected something authentic and charismatic in me that other people would be attracted to given half a chance. So she created this narrative that I was too old to be part of the group. If I approached the group and joined in the chat, she said sweetly ''oh. could you hear us?'' the inference being 'omg, this was a private conversation'' even when it was in the open plan office and it was not a subject that was private. It was general chat.

This woman was good at creating a group around her, but she had to be loved by everybody in the group. IF she sensed any lack of admiration you couldn't be there even peripherally. She also needed the validation, ie, everybody welcome in the group had to be youngish, attractive-ish... Weird thing was though, she was very average herself. Very average in her appearance, same as me! So maybe she felt I would have ''branded'' her average if she'd allowed me in to the group.

She was a vacuum really. She collected validation, not friends.

Personally, I would keep quiet. Although, in the past, I probably would have spoken out.

Things will go full-circle, they always do.

However, if it were me, I would keep them at a pleasant distance. And if I were them, I would tell you what my problem was (assuming that I am not just being a bitch and there is an actual problem).

It's bound to affect your self-esteem, but treat them in a bright, cheerful manner, always.

It won't be long until Queen Bee has flown the hive, but instead of following her, they will probably regroup.

It is usually just one person who stirs the pot, and those without much backbone, unfortunately, follow.

what is 'wendied'?

I would leave it as well, no way would I give someone the satisfaction of thinking I was bothered and that power. If you ask someone its highly unlikely you would get an honest answer anyway.
I'd just have think about if anything I did was a bit off, have you talked too much, not listened, bragged about anything at all, been too loud, too quiet etc, drunk too much etc.
If you can identify anything then just don't do it next time with others. Regarding these women I would just be polite etc but move on to other groups and hobbies.

If you are being excluded because one isn't keen & the others are following suit then they aren't friends.

It seems odd that none of the would include you in anything anymore though.

Thank you all so much 💐 I feel much better.
Social media unfollowed ✅
I have a lovely network of friends outside of school so I will focus on them. I have enough other school mums to chat to so I’m just going to act like it doesn’t bother me I think I really don’t want to give them any more power over me.
Dh still friendly with the dads but he’s was never overly keen anyway but would be social with them for me so in his words ‘he’s not arsed either way’ 😂

I was excluded by a woman who was desperate for validation. People ONLY BOTHER TO DEFEND WHAT'S VULNERABLE, ie, her friendships with people I was open to being friends with.

Absolutely agree with this, though in my case, she was also the alpha female - she could be lovely and if she had just accepted that we could all be friends it would have been fine. She wanted people for herself only. She wanted everyone to be her friend but couldn't cope with them being friends with each other. It's a very odd way to behave. This was a few years ago now and she is now friendly with people who she used to spend her time slagging off as there's literally no one else in our small community who she hasn't been through.

I’m just going to act like it doesn’t bother me I think I really don’t want to give them any more power over me. Absolutely OP, don't give them anything to talk about.

I’m sorry OP, stuff like this really hurts

I don’t think I’d ask them, I think if you do 1) you probably won’t get an answer (to be honest, nothing excuses it) just lots of “oh we just bumped into each other” etc and 2) even if they somehow give a justifiable reason it’ll just intensify the awkwardness.

I’d be really hurt too but I would just try to move on and make new friends

I honestly don't think that asking them directly will lead to an honest response. Can you imagine??

OP: why am I no longer invited?
Group: it's because we find your conversation dull.

It would just never happen! They would make up an excuse and you'll still be none the wiser.

Actions speak louder than words. Their friendships have evolved and you need to focus on finding new people to hang out with. It's hurtful and confusing but I don't think asking them directly will help.

''She wants people for herself''

Yes! That is ''Wendy''.

Op - it's been like this at our school. Slowly a core group has formed, they exclude others, they've been overheard talking about others behind their backs.

It's pathetic - like they're the children! The best way we've found is to delete/hide them on social media, not hang out longer than necessary at the school gates & keep any interaction with them to a minimum. We're much happier that way!

I think I would act like nothing is going on, I would send a group message stating that you've not seen them for ages and that a get together is overdue. You'll get a clear picture from their response.

Ah op, it hurts doesn’t it. What’s worse is knowing you’re an adult and feeling stupid for getting upset over stuff like this. But the reality is that unless you’re a particularly rhino-hided person, or possibly a bit of an insensitive arse yourself, it does hurt well into adulthood.
I’m early forties, and my dds are now senior age so I don’t have to deal with school gate politics anymore, (although issues do still arise among groups of friends even so), but what I have observed over the years is this:

The tightest-knit ‘showmance’ cliques will undoubtedly unravel due to a falling-out at some point.

The nicer people in the group will soon realise if there is an alpha among them because the dynamic will turn sour and they will back out of the group eventually.

The ones who seem the most glamorous and popular now may very well become irrelevant eventually (I can think of many in my own experience).

You are better off well out of a toxic group like this (and it is toxic - unless you’ve done something awful or you are a truly reprehensible character, which I assume you are not, this is the type of insecure dynamic reserved to bitchy school girls), because groups like this only bring drama and are truly not the ones you want to be a part of in the long run.

Anyway you have done the best things you can do and you sound lovely. I’m sure in a year or two’s time you’ll look back on this and roll your eyes 🙄