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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think I’ve been wendied or just been frozen out and it hurts

164 replies

DitzyPrints · 16/03/2019 07:14

So pathetic to be upset about this as I have some really lovely friends but...
Dd started school last year and I was already friends with 4 of the mums from different settings I knew one from babygroup, one from preschool etc
As school started I invited them on play dates and introduced everyone, we went on nights out with them and DHs, bbqs etc for the last few months I’ve felt a frosty atmosphere with one in particular at school gates. There’s been some nights me and Dh not invited to but again last night they were all out again and it’s plastered all over social media.
Not sure what I’ve done but it hurts and they must know they are rubbing my face in it.

OP posts:

HarrySnotter · 16/03/2019 10:44

You'll get a clear picture from their response.

I'm not sure, I think you'd prob get the 'yes, that would be lovely' and then they'll carry on without you. They definitely won't have the balls to let you know if there's a problem.

Butterpup · 16/03/2019 10:50

Older kids here, I have seen this happen a few times over the years unfortunately.

Each time it starts with one queen bee taking a dislike to another mum for a silly reason. Jealousy or something tiny.
The rest of the group stick with the queen bee out of subconscious fear of being ousted themselves.
Then inevitably over the next few years it happens to others within the group.

Best advice I can give is that 1) They are not your friends. 2)You will not find out what you have or haven't done so don't waste your time asking. No-one will tell you which makes them all as bad as each other. 3) Find some new friends and move on whilst your kids are still little and enjoy your new friendships.

H0wt0kn0w · 16/03/2019 10:50

It's made me realise, everybody is so relieved to be part of the group that they don't threaten their own inclusion by insisting that x or y is invited along.

It has made me think a lot. Having been the excluded one on a number of occasions.. I strive now to act as though it's a given that all are included iykwim.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/03/2019 10:53

When we moved to our village we discovered there was very much an alpha socialising group who had met through playgroup. Over the years we have become really good friends with quite a few of them on an individual basis, go out for dinner and to their parties and celebrations etc, but we are definitely not in the main clique and even at a party, some of the group will basically blank us: it’s totally playground and almost laughable really.

I’ve also become friends with a really nice woman and discovered that originally she was part of the clique but was dropped fairly unceremoniously. In her case she’s quite quirky and the clique alphas are really straight head girl typs so I can see how it happened. Thing is, some of the clique that we are friends with individually are very nice people: it’s a shame that they must just get dragged along by the crowd.

HarrySnotter · 16/03/2019 10:58

@TinklyLittleLaugh I'm actually wondering if we live in the the same village ... 😂

H0wt0kn0w · 16/03/2019 10:59

That village is global.

altiara · 16/03/2019 11:02

Do you not invite any of them over for play dates individually? Do you still chat at the school gate? Able to say to frosty mum - you don’t seem yourself!

Lizzie48 · 16/03/2019 11:16

If it was me, I wouldn't bother to ask, it clearly isn't anything you've done. (It would be different if you'd mentioned an argument with one of these 'friends'). I would just leave them to it; it sounds as if you're well rid.

I've been ghosted myself, however, and it's not a nice experience, I'm not surprised you're hurt.

Smelborp · 16/03/2019 11:21

I went through this. In my case, it was clearly a new member of the group who for some reason didn’t like me and wanted me out.

I didn’t say anything as our children were friends and I didn’t want to make things more awkward than they were.

I found new friends on the school run and they’re much nicer so it all had worked out well in the end.

Time will sort it out!

Daisypie · 16/03/2019 11:31

If you ask or message the group it will serve to further bond them against you as they will discuss it together. Continue to play it cool, rush past looking busy, chat to others. Don't show that you are hurt as this is just oxygen to them.

MRex · 16/03/2019 11:42

@H0wt0kn0w - I strive now to act as though it's a given that all are included iykwim.
Note you're just being silly. Do you invite every single parent in the class to dinner at once? Thought not.

dustarr73 · 16/03/2019 11:53

I wouldnt ask them,i wouldnt give them the satisfaction of knowing they had upset me.Unfollow on social media and just say hello.And get some new friends.

Give it 6 months and they will turn on someone else.

woodcutbirds · 16/03/2019 12:04

Glad you've decided to ignore it and focus on other friends. If you asked for an explanation you wouldn't get one, you'd just be gossip fodder. Some groups need a dynamic of 'we don;t talk to her'. It's childish and unpleasant but it's surprisingly common. Usually among people you;d not want to know, long term. Focus on your real friends. Be chatty at the school gates with other people.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/03/2019 13:52

Sensible response OP

Focus on the nice good friends

Fuck these women and do nothing for now

I suspect as months go by things will change . They usually do

whosafraidofabigduckfart · 16/03/2019 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

H0wt0kn0w · 17/03/2019 15:22

@mrex eh, im not being silly. I don't consciously collude with deliberately excluding anybody. Simple. This shit happens but Im not comfortable with exclusion and secrecy. Nothing unreasonably difficult there. I manage it I hope. Not looking for medals for trying to be a decent human being.

MRex · 17/03/2019 15:33

@H0wt0kn0w - think back to last time you organised a night out or dinner at your house, did you really invite every single mum in the class?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 17/03/2019 15:33

I've just had to look up the term 'wendied' on Google. I'm not sure why, but the expression really made me laugh!

Re. 'wendyism', I'm not sure if she is the source but I suspect Wendy Darling's misguided conformism and saccharine maternal 'example' make her second in sinisterness only to Peter Pan himself. Even her name is 'yuck!'

On a less frivolous note, I'm sorry your friends have treated you in this shabby way, OP. It sucks, but in showing you who they really are they've unwittingly done you a very big favour. I agree with PP and your own update that silence and retaining your own dignity are the right way to go. You do not need 'friends' like these.

H0wt0kn0w · 17/03/2019 15:39

Last time i arranged anything in my house, it was an open invitation for anybody in a toddler group i brougt my baby to a decade ago.

You want to believe and in fact, argue, that it is not possible to avoid colluding in exclysion. Nobody can make you do anything. It is up to you.

MRex · 17/03/2019 15:51

No, I'm simply trying to show that it isn't always possible to invite everybody due to space / cost. Several posters seems very quick to agree that there is some nastiness (and you were particularly emphatic) when realistically this group were never inviting literally everybody, so some others were already "excluded".

gubbsywubbsy · 17/03/2019 15:57

Just take the hint ... if they wanted you there they would ask you.. it just happens .. I'm sure it's happened to most people . Don't ask them , just move on and rise above it .

H0wt0kn0w · 17/03/2019 16:01

Obviously. But you'd usually have an awareness of who would be hurt to be left out. I dont have regular dinner parties at my house. But if I am told "don't mention it to x" (somebody who would have a suffiently reasonable expectation of being included), well i have bowed out. It is not a regular occurence for me now though. I used to be the one left out. I think quietly taking a stand with your behavior just makes you feel better. Im interested in psychology and philosophy and i know (for me) it is not worth being included if a condotion is to not mention it to somebody.

MRex · 17/03/2019 16:34

Where have you got "don't mention it to x" from? As far as OP's story goes they've posted on social media, they aren't hiding anything. It seems more like being paranoid and your imagination filling the gap.

JustDanceAddict · 17/03/2019 17:07

I would be friendly but distant now, especially as you have other friends outside the school gates. If you ask they prob won’t telk the truth anyway.
Sometimes it’s a matter of fitting in (or not), bitchiness, not liking a DH etc.

DeniseRoyal · 17/03/2019 17:28

They are shits,the lot of them. I would be tempted to say 'last night looked fun! Thanks for the invite...oh, wait....🤔' hope you are ok OP

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