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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I think I’ve been wendied or just been frozen out and it hurts

164 replies

DitzyPrints · 16/03/2019 07:14

So pathetic to be upset about this as I have some really lovely friends but...
Dd started school last year and I was already friends with 4 of the mums from different settings I knew one from babygroup, one from preschool etc
As school started I invited them on play dates and introduced everyone, we went on nights out with them and DHs, bbqs etc for the last few months I’ve felt a frosty atmosphere with one in particular at school gates. There’s been some nights me and Dh not invited to but again last night they were all out again and it’s plastered all over social media.
Not sure what I’ve done but it hurts and they must know they are rubbing my face in it.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 16/03/2019 08:31

Maybe it wasn’t intentional? We have a large loose group of school related friends and some things we are not invited to and some things we don’t invite others in the group to. It’s not necessarily a slap in the face or malicious. My advice is to emotionally step back, don’t say anything that is utterly cringeworthy, stay superficially friendly but work on building up other friendships.

MsTSwift · 16/03/2019 08:33

I have had some of my most fun times ever with my school mum friends. Don’t turn your nose up at those friendships.

BedraggledBlitz · 16/03/2019 08:33

I've experienced this. It's very confusing but I think you have to realise it is best not to associate with people who are so fickle and careless about other people's feelings.

X

Changedmynametoolikeyou · 16/03/2019 08:36

Some people carve a very particular crowd for themselves because it makes them feel exclusive (and look really stupid). If you’re not good enough for them it’s because you are your own person and therefore they are not good enough for you. Set your sights higher and hide their social media pages. (Speaking from experience).

FookMeFookYou · 16/03/2019 08:38

I wouldn't bother asking, you're not imagining it are you. You don't need to beat around the bush by asking cryptic questions or treading lightly - they are being nasty twats plain and simple. Fuck em off and take the high ground. When they see you are not bothered it will render their behaviour pointless and they will feel like idiots.

whyamievenamazeddotcom · 16/03/2019 08:39

Why should OP automatically presume it’s her or her and DH have offended ? People are fickle creatures it’s very Likely to be a them problem and not a you problem if you phrase it in a what have I done you are handing them a get out of jail clause So don’t do as advised and say what’s changed why are you freezing me out - same thing happening to my DC at school and my advise is behaviour says more about them than it does you ! TBH you can’t always like or want to do the same stuff but I guess it’s the whole underhandness of it all - I’d just ask the question and see what comes back you may find you’ve had a lucky escape xx and if it’s a ring leader influencing the others to freeze you out then they’re just as bad - stop following them on social media it’s Satan’s note paper it’s great they’re having a good time good luck to them but you can do without knowing they’ve excluded you - stop wasting time on them find true friends and enjoy your family it’s their loss not yours xx

diddl · 16/03/2019 08:40

Is it just th coupls things that you aren't invited to?

How often have you made arrangements & has everyone ever said no?

jjandtheseagulls · 16/03/2019 08:41

I don't know how to help but I'm going through a similar thing. So confused as to what's going on.

Thing is it's not school mums, it's my closest friends. So far I'm just keeping quiet and waiting until she broaches it for fear of being told I'm making everything about me Sad

Flicketyflack · 16/03/2019 08:42

Avoid school mum groups at all costs! If one kid upsets another it can all end in tears for the adults .

Find friends elsewhere Smile

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 16/03/2019 08:43

I would ask the one I liked most - not in hopes of salvaging the friendship (you can't unring that bell) but simply for information.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/03/2019 08:45

Life is too short with crap like this, and to become paranoid over every little thing that might have happened. I would wait to see if you are excluded again, and just move away from them and the 'friendships', you deserve better, delete or unfollow them, and move to pastures new. Mummy friends can be so cliquey.

Joebloggswazere · 16/03/2019 08:45

Ah OP, I really feel for you. No matter how old and grown up you get, shit like that still hurts as much as it did in school. I was 22 and going through a tough patch (out drinking a lot, being a bit promiscuous) and 3 of my friends decided to all snub me for weeks. Went out without me, cosy nights in without me. I ended up getting steaming and texting them apologising for whatever it was I’d done wrong. I didn’t get one reply.

It all blew over eventually and 18 years later we are best friends. I’ll never forget what they did though. Only one ever apologised to me.
It still hurts to this day.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 16/03/2019 08:46

I would just move on, they don’t want you or you DH there, whatever the reason, they don’t like you. I wouldn’t want to waste my time on people that don’t like me. Don’t expect everyone to like you, just move on.

NoCauseRebel · 16/03/2019 08:46

Only ask if you’re prepared for the answer.

It’s very easy for people to sit here and say that the group are obviously all bitches and you are clearly best off without them, but the reality is that none of us know them and none of us know you, so it’s not possible to know why this has happened. It is entirely possible that they are cliquey and that you don’t fit into their clique, in which case you’re better off without them. But it’s also possible that there is a legitimate reason why they feel they just no longer want you to be part of their social group. And it may not even have been a conscious thing in the beginning, there may never have been an actual conversation about excluding you, but if you’ve done something or have some trait which they find difficult then it stands to reason that they just may not identify with you on a group level any more.

Im sure that there are people here who have been excluded and have no idea why. But equally I’m sure there are people who have been part of a social group where one person or couple is such that they don’t want them on their evenings out any more for some valid reason. And their not telling you might actually be to spare your feelings, because actually it’s not that easy to tell someone you find them offensive or difficult etc.

There used to be a school mum at my DC’s school who found it difficult to make friends. People befriended her, in fact I was friends with her on an individual level and we still have some contact. But people started to invite her to social events, and once they did it very quickly became clear that in a social setting she would become drunk very quickly and hysterically upset and start becoming very over emotional about her life. The first couple of times it was something which people sympathised with on the basis she obviously didn’t get out much. But this became so much of a habit with her that it would bring the whole tone of the evening down, and someone would invariably have to drive her home when she became too drunk to stand. The result was that people just stopped inviting her to group social events, but no-one would have had the heart to tel her because individually and outside of the group social setting they got on, but put her into a group and it was a disaster.

Not saying that you’re like this OP, but there is genuinely no way of knowing that there isn’t an issue here, so if you really want to know, ask yourself first how you will feel if they come back with a legitimate reason why you’re no longer invited to events. Otherwise just accept that this isn’t meant to be and move on.

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2019 08:47

What's your husbands relationship like with the dads?

Springwalk · 16/03/2019 08:51

Op you know there can't be a single VALID reason why they excluded you last night and other nights. If they were your real friends and had a problem, then they would have raised it with you quietly and directly, but they haven't.

If you call them out publicly you risk feeling embarrassed when you get the feeble replies. I would strongly recommend you drop them and find some decent friends and keep a dignified silence.

Not one of them is worth keeping as a friend, as they haven't done anything to change this unkind dynamic, or supported you in any way.

Unfollow them all so you don't feel pissed off every time you look at SM. Be polite but distant at school.

They will surely fall out, hurt each other, a toxic group like that will rip apart in time. Rise above it, and be glad you found out now before investing too much time and energy. Move on quickly and discreetly.

Applepieco · 16/03/2019 08:56

Just ask the one that you think is the most genuine. I would have to know.

CharDee · 16/03/2019 09:06

That sounds rubbish OP.

Could you possibly message them and suggest doing something as a group together? Then see if they make excuses or if you arrange something then you could just ask there if something has changed or even say that you were feeling left out?

oldmum22 · 16/03/2019 09:12

I wouldn't bother , life is too short .

Look around you ,there are other people you can be friends with. This will pass, and the friendship group will break up .

Pernickity1 · 16/03/2019 09:13

Please don’t ask them OP, it makes you look weak and won’t help anyway, would most likely lead to an awkward silence and they will definitely avoid you then.

I personally would hate people to think I cared and would take the high road and act ambivalent about it. Especially since you said you have good friends already - you don’t need these people.

If you really want to keep them in your life then if I were you I’d wait a week or so and suggest a day out with the kids/meeting for coffee and see the response. If they’re all up for it then maybe it was an oversight and the friendships can resume as normal, if they don’t want to meet you then you should just write them off and concentrate on your nice friends.

It’s horrible that this shit goes on in adulthood OP Flowers

MsTSwift · 16/03/2019 09:14

Every time I have felt left out in the last few years it has pushed me to make overtures to new people thus expanding your group. Stay friends with the others. Stay friendly and cordial with everyone then you end up with a large fluid friendly group.

Livelovebehappy · 16/03/2019 09:18

Sometimes it can just be one of you that doesn’t quite ‘fit’ into the group. In my case it was my DH, who I found out through someone not in the group was described as arrogant and some of the friends partners disliked him. What’s your DH like in social situations? Not to say he is doing anything wrong, but he might have done a social ‘faux pas’ without either of you realising. I tend to have my own friendships now without DH, as I appreciate he can be an acquired taste!

MRex · 16/03/2019 09:19

I've just noticed you said 4 mums. So including you and husbands that's 10 people, which is a hell of a lot for a night out (and don't fit around most dining tables). Could it be that there have been meet-ups with other couples as well so they didn't see it as a group of 5 but just all the mums? If it's like that then they don't necessarily not like you, but maybe they want to select just 3 couples and didn't happen to pick you. Particularly if this event was organised by the one mum who doesn't get along with you, you can't expect her to invite you just because you have other friends in the group or where does it end, invite 50 people round for dinner so nobody's parent in the class is left out?

Dippypippy1980 · 16/03/2019 09:23

I think your idea of s gentle group message is a good one.

The friendship is probably gone, but it might stop you feeling awkward.

You may find there is one ring leader, who still behaves like hpshe is at school and likes the power of excluding someone. IN the group of school mums in my daughters class there is one very moody lady who either loves me or blanks me! If she blanks me the others seem to follow suit. It’s really odd and I do not have the patience for her shit, so I when she’s blanks me I laugh and walk on. She now hates me!!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/03/2019 09:23

Hate this shit

And it can easily happen with new friends

Either they are bitches and one dislikes you and has turned weak willed ones against you
Or you have genuinely done something to piss them off

What do you think it is ? As if it’s the former all you need do is unfollow them on Facebook and mentally excommunicate them

If it’s the latter you need to try and find out from the nicest

99% of the time it’s the former in my experience sadly

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