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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I’ve been wendied or just been frozen out and it hurts

164 replies

DitzyPrints · 16/03/2019 07:14

So pathetic to be upset about this as I have some really lovely friends but...
Dd started school last year and I was already friends with 4 of the mums from different settings I knew one from babygroup, one from preschool etc
As school started I invited them on play dates and introduced everyone, we went on nights out with them and DHs, bbqs etc for the last few months I’ve felt a frosty atmosphere with one in particular at school gates. There’s been some nights me and Dh not invited to but again last night they were all out again and it’s plastered all over social media.
Not sure what I’ve done but it hurts and they must know they are rubbing my face in it.

OP posts:
holly1501 · 16/03/2019 07:55

Have they known each other longer than they've known you? Have they been a circle of friends for a long time before you came along?

EvaHarknessRose · 16/03/2019 07:55

Did your dh fit in well to the group? Might be him.

OoohAyyye · 16/03/2019 07:57

That sounds shit. Personally I would ask. Not because I'm eager to continue hanging out with them but because I'd just like to know. Saves you overthinking it.

I'm not sure the best way to do so though. I'd be tempted to message because otherwise you have to wait until Monday when you see them at school but I think overall it's best to do it in person so you're not waiting for a response and also you're more likely to get an honest answer.

N0rdicStar · 16/03/2019 07:59

Forget them. Woukd you behave like that? No, exactly. It’s rude at the very least. Immature and unkind .You don’t need or want friends like that. I think being Wendied sorts the wheat from the chaff at times and saves a lot of wasted time in the long run.

NabooThatsWho · 16/03/2019 08:00

I would just move on. I can’t be bothered with people who treat others like this.

Not sure what would be achieved by asking them, as they will probably just lie.
If there was an issue, and they were decent people, they would have tried to resolve things before now rather than excluding you.

Find some better friends.

Motherofcreek · 16/03/2019 08:02

I’d ask the person you felt closest too.

youknowmedontyou · 16/03/2019 08:04

I would be sad too, id message and ask outright Thanks

Prettyvase · 16/03/2019 08:11

Definitely do not ask! All you will do is consolidate this power imbalance.

What you do is be happy for them, but notch what they have done and how they have treated you.

Don't try to get together with the group but try and arrange one on ones for a while within this group as you will find a bitchy or 2 faced type can't help but dish the dirt on others.

Also seek out new friendships and then later try and organise a meet up with possibly one from the original group and new people.

Either way you need some new people in your life so good luck op Flowers

ElsieMc · 16/03/2019 08:11

Another one here saying just move on and do not ask. They have already hurt you a number of times. If you cannot pinpoint something, and you sound nice, then you have a primary school mean girl in the group and the others are following like sheep. There is no excuse because they could all have invited you themselves. Don't make any more excuses for them in your head.

You have other friends, why do you want people in your life who make you feel bad about yourself and upset? Honestly, I have seen these cliques form and fall apart so many times.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 16/03/2019 08:11

See now, I think I would ask the group, as per the text you suggested OP. Not in anticipation of an honest and truthful answer, but to make the point to them that you know.

The friendship is over, so I would be giving less fucks about their feelings.

LemonTT · 16/03/2019 08:12

If you want to know you need to ask one of them what is happening. Speak in person to the most straightforward and trustworthy one. Just invite her out for a quick coffee. You need to see her facial and body reactions as well as what she has to say. You might not get candour.

This is not an issue that should be raised on a text. It is not an issue that should be asked of the group. You will get a group answer. That is, silence; an answer that is banal or an agreed group line decided by the person leading this.

You describe problems with one of them. What are these problem? If she is their leader then it will be as simple as being her will dominating the group. You won’t get an answer from her and the group will deny intent.

HomoHeinekenensis · 16/03/2019 08:14

I don't think I would ask.
First, if they are ostracising you they may enjoy that their darts have hit their mark.
Second, just you asking isn't going to make them stop this behaviour. Third, you wouldn't want friends like that anyway.

If they are not ostracising you, by and by you will get another invite. If you don't ever get invited at least you have kept your dignity in face of them and can adopt an air of, 'Oh I hadn't noticed'.

Go quiet and I bet in the long run it will all fade away and you will find yourself back inside the friendship group because dynamics change. If you speak out, that might never happen.

HomoHeinekenensis · 16/03/2019 08:18

I remember growing up my Mum was treated like this on and off by other women in the village. One minute she was snubbed and the next she was flavour of the month. It affected her deeply but one day she just decided to step outside of it all and just talk to her one close friend. She was vaguely courted to return but she said no and meant it and was happier as a result.

Don't put your happiness in someone elses hands. People are fickle as hell or as DMum would have put it, "They change with the direction of the wind."

GucciDay · 16/03/2019 08:20

People who behave like this don't care about other people's feelings. To ask them will achieve nothing, they'll deny or minimise and you'll feel humiliated as well as hurt.

Hard though it is you've just got to focus on other friends and accept sadly these just aren't that interested in you. Back off with your dignity intact.

Fishwifecalling · 16/03/2019 08:22

I would keep a dignified silence and lick my wounds in private.

At the very least the others could arrange one on one meetings with you, themselves. Maybe they still will, once the embarrassment of not inviting you to the group meetings is over, and the new status quo of you not being there is established.

Mrsmadevans · 16/03/2019 08:24

OP not trying to be horrible to you but do you think it is your DH . Is he a bit suggestive to the ladies or do the other DH just not like him . I knew a few husbands like that they were always short and their poor wives were left out of stuff because of their DH behaviour. I do hope this isn't it Flowers

tasmaniandevilchaser · 16/03/2019 08:24

Are they friendly at the school gate? I would guess one possibility is they don’t like your DH if there’s couples nights out?

H0wt0kn0w · 16/03/2019 08:24

I think the ''things have changed, can you explain why?'' in a calm voice (even though you wouldn't be human if you weren't trying to figure it out) is a good suggestion.

The usual advice is to just rise above it but when your child has JUST started school and you know you have 7 more years of it, you're bound to want to find out why.

It could be that you don't fit the 'profile' of who they want to be friends with. I'm divorced (but happy to be free and safe) and for a while I was not living in a rented house that was tbh, awful, I didn't have a ''DH'' and I didn't have a car. I still dressed up to go out though, had the same values and goals for my kids, I was good company and good humoured but the bottom line was, and it took me a few years to accept this and then another few to not care and to move on and look elsewhere for connections, some people just don't want you to be in their friendship group if the 'fit' isn't right. They're scared that if they let one triangle in the circle shaped door that it'll threaten the homogeneity of the group and therefore the group itself. Somehow.

So although it's harsh, ask yourself if you and your husband (if you have one) are glossy enough for their posse.

Fishwifecalling · 16/03/2019 08:24

Asking them last time didn't get you anywhere, so I'd not bother again. You made your point last time and they gave you an obvious lie as an excuse.

amilosingitor · 16/03/2019 08:27

The thing is you didn't really ask them last time, I'd simply say "we're all adults here, I've noticed you have al decided me and DH are no longer welcome in the group but if someone could at least shed some light on what the problem is I'd appreciate it"

x2boys · 16/03/2019 08:28

This happened to me years ago.when I was a lot younger ,and you know what they are not worth it and neither are they proper friends ,move on delete them from social media etc and just be polite , I have never had school mum friends ,I would smile and chats I people but not proper friends .

whosafraidofabigduckfart · 16/03/2019 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeddybearBaby · 16/03/2019 08:29

Are you closer to any of them more than the others? You could speak to them..... I’m
Sorry you’re upset. Sounds shit! 💐

Rumbletum2 · 16/03/2019 08:30

Definitely ask but I wouldn’t be too grovelly. None of this “Hope I haven’t offended anyone” stuff.

Just matter of fact - “I’ve noticed we don’t seem to be invited anywhere nowadays. Is there any particular reason?”

user1498572889 · 16/03/2019 08:31

This is why I never got involved with school mums it’s far too bitchy and clicky. I had my friends who were nothing to do with school and the school mums were just people I spoke to at the school gates or at kids parties.