AIBU to remove a mum from whatsapp group?

[WhatsAppRemoval]

Over a year ago I set up a WhatsApp group for my antenatal group mums (plus a couple of other local mums got added at some point as they didn't have a group). One of the original group called B added a couple of messages early on, but since then hasn't said anything. B didn't announce her baby's birth, she hasn't commented on anything else people have said in nearly a year and she's never come to a meet-up.

At least one other mum A messaged her privately after a few months but got no reply. One of the other mums C pointed out to me that she's been reading the messages; I checked and sure enough they each show as read by her. So she's been reading thousands and thousands of messages, looking at our baby photos, seeing when we catch up, but not responding. C said she also messaged B privately to ask if she was ok, but got no reply. C said it was weeks before so could I try; I messaged B. She read it and no reply.

If she didn't want to be in the group then she could leave, or mute the notifications. We don't know if something happened to her baby, or if she moved away, or if she has PND, or if she just doesn't like us; the confusing bit with any explanation we can think of is why read the messages? The idea of effectively a stranger reading everything and seeing photos is weird now that we've all known each other over a year! If she replied now we'd be happy to welcome her to the group, but she isn't even responding to individual messages. Should we ask her if she wants to be removed from the group as she isn't responding to messages? Should we remove her? Just leave it? Anyone have an idea of an amazing message to send to get her to let us know if she's ok?

(NC for this thread because the details might make it obvious it's me to anyone in the group.)

Of course you were absolutely correct to delete her. It’s not an official support group, it’s a chat group for friends that meet up. I would have been uncomfortable posting pictures of my baby from day one from someone who wouldn’t respond, that’s just creepy. You messaged and they still didn’t want to respond but felt entitled to know what you were all up to, no thanks.

Maybe she has nothing to say. Perhaps she's not one of those insecure people that need to fill every silence with their opinion. Maybe she doesn't think you or your children are cute or fun. Why are you and the others obsessed with having her undivided attention?

If she doesn't have anything to say and isn't interested then all the more reason to delete her

Delete, remove... Be gone can't stand people like that on WhatsApp groups

Expecting we might get at least one message or reply in a year from someone we've only ever briefly met immediately prior to that year = requiring undivided attention. Hahaha. Ok.

@MyHeadWasExploding - I'm sorry to hear you had such a hard time with PND and it's great to hear that your friends supported you. I do think the difference between a few weeks and a year is significant, I think in all that time she could have responded to the individual messages or said something / anything to someone in the group. Regardless from her recent messages it seems like it isn't the case of her having PND, but having other people to catch up with.

@WhatsAppRemoval thank you (it was postpartum psychosis rather than PND, but thank you). And yes you're probably right that she could have said something to someone over the course of a year if she'd wanted to. Probably best just to move on and not think about it any more - it won't help you/her/anyone to dwell on it. Congratulations on your baby btw!

Does she have a facebook you could have a nosey at to see if her baby is ok?

@MyHeadWasExploding - thanks. Yes you're right that it's better not to dwell on it. I'm happy it seems everything is fine and I hope if she ever finds herself needing the group that she feels confident enough to get in touch.

@puppy23 - probably, but I couldn't find it.

Confusedbeetle I think you are confusing WhatsApp for social media - completely different things!

How doyou know she is reading them could be someone else. Send her a message to say you will delete her.

I admit to being ignorant of WhatsApp. Have depression so often dontreadeverything. Attention span short

It sounds like she is suffering from depression to me. I have been like that in the past with a group, I wanted to still feel a connection, and know what was going on, but did not feel like I had anything worthwhile to add. I even became scared of personal interaction. If she is not doing any harm I would leave her be, she is obviously getting something out of still being connected.

I find it quite odd that it matters. Assuming you are a largish group. I would just leave her be. Even if she is reading them, it's not an AA meeting. I imagine you're talking about mundane shit. So what if she reads everything?!

I don't really see the problem. I am a member of several groups where not everyone is active. Perhaps she is enjoying reading all your messages but doesn't feel able or want to contribute?

How about just asking her?

I think it's quite eye opening that some people have so little regard for privacy that they would be happy having strangers in such a group. I am a member of a similar group and though we meet in person only rarely, we are good online friends and we share quite intimate details of our parenting challenges, relationship ups and downs, children's illnesses and educational difficulties. All sorts of stuff that I would share with friends but not acquaintances. Stuff I wouldn't post on my main Facebook page anyway. So yes, it would matter to me if it was read by someone I had no connection with. That doesn't mean I bear that person any ill will or am a bitch or a teenager. Just that I don't happen to have built an intimate friendship with someone who has never engaged in building an intimate friendship with me. Surely that's normal?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in deleting her or posting about. I say this as someone who was part of an antenatal group on mumsnet and in facebook for the past ten months and my baby died at 40 weeks last month.

I managed to tell people and message people about it. Not necessarily the day after but probably within a week. I know everyone is different but if something happened and she wants to remain in contact with you all / wants support then at some point she needs to tell you. Otherwise you can’t support her if you don’t know what is going on and you certainly shouldn’t beat yourself up over what might have happened to her baby because she’s never told you.

I hope her baby is fine.

This is how it works for me - our babies were all due in Feb. I kept up to date with the antenatal thread on here. After losing my baby I didn’t post as much as I probably did before as I was sort of on a different path to them once I lost my baby as they were talking about their babies (I don’t have other children) but I still did comment eg answering others’ comments about pregnancy / childbirth / postnatal stuff and I told people what happened. There was then a post natal group for the women who had had their babies which I have not gone on to at all as I don’t feel like it and I never met these women as you did.

There’s a Facebook group derived from the same group so many of the same women are on there and I am part of it. I still commented on other people’s posts etc and put my own posts up after I lost my baby but I have turned off notifications in the last week or two so haven’t been on it the last couple of weeks as I find it hard hearing the “I can’t get any sleep because of my newborn” and don’t have anything to say to that(!) so I haven’t been reading them but I am Facebook friends with one of the girls so I see her notifications and I see any comments to me and also a couple of them message me directly to ask how I am and I always respond to those.

Hope that makes sense / helps to give an insight into how one might react if they’d lost a baby. I don’t think your “friend” has but that’s just a guess. Some people are just rubbish with messages etc.

I think basically you’re other either part of the group or not. If you have a reason not to contribute it want support then you need to share that. Otherwise you’re out of the group...

Sorry my reply is so long! 🏠

Alice, I am so sorry to read of your loss.

Sorry for your loss, @AliceRR

She may feel awkward having been added to the group and may not know how to leave. I’d message her

Hi! I hope things are going well. It was years/months ago that I created the group chat and I noticed you are still part of the group. You are welcome to join in and meet up with the group. However, there’s no pressure to and I can remove you as I’m sure being notified when there is activity in the group chat must be annoying. Anyhow, hope to hear from you but if I don’t I’ll remove you.
Take care x

Thanks @AliceRR, I'd seen your other thread mentioning losing the baby and I'm so sorry for your loss. It's useful to get your perspective and I agree that there isn't anything we can do if she hasn't opened up about needing support. It seems from her casual messages that she is ok and just bonded with a different set, which is fine if that's the case and I really hope it is. I hope your house move goes well so that you both get a chance to relax and grieve in peace.

@Pluckedpencil - you'd be very wrong to assume that it's a large group, it is a small group from a pregnancy in-person antenatal class plus two extra mums who we all know.