Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to remove a mum from whatsapp group?

172 replies

WhatsAppRemoval · 14/03/2019 14:11

Over a year ago I set up a WhatsApp group for my antenatal group mums (plus a couple of other local mums got added at some point as they didn't have a group). One of the original group called B added a couple of messages early on, but since then hasn't said anything. B didn't announce her baby's birth, she hasn't commented on anything else people have said in nearly a year and she's never come to a meet-up.

At least one other mum A messaged her privately after a few months but got no reply. One of the other mums C pointed out to me that she's been reading the messages; I checked and sure enough they each show as read by her. So she's been reading thousands and thousands of messages, looking at our baby photos, seeing when we catch up, but not responding. C said she also messaged B privately to ask if she was ok, but got no reply. C said it was weeks before so could I try; I messaged B. She read it and no reply.

If she didn't want to be in the group then she could leave, or mute the notifications. We don't know if something happened to her baby, or if she moved away, or if she has PND, or if she just doesn't like us; the confusing bit with any explanation we can think of is why read the messages? The idea of effectively a stranger reading everything and seeing photos is weird now that we've all known each other over a year! If she replied now we'd be happy to welcome her to the group, but she isn't even responding to individual messages. Should we ask her if she wants to be removed from the group as she isn't responding to messages? Should we remove her? Just leave it? Anyone have an idea of an amazing message to send to get her to let us know if she's ok?

(NC for this thread because the details might make it obvious it's me to anyone in the group.)

OP posts:
blockedoffandfuckedoff · 15/03/2019 19:41

I HATE people who “don’t have time to reply”

Absolute bollocks. She’s a rude rude rude fucker to ignore everyone’s messages.

REMOVE!!

OfficeSlave · 15/03/2019 19:43

Given your last update, I don’t entirely understand why you’re happy with her response. she is clearly enjoying being nosy and not having to participate. Too busy, busier than all of you other mums? she is essentially a stranger you are letting continue noseying in your life?! I don’t get WHY you would be happy with that?

Figgygal · 15/03/2019 19:46

Nope sorry I'd delete her
If she can't be bothered to participate and contribute then she doesn't need to be part of group

Catsinthecupboard · 15/03/2019 19:51

Maybe she lost her baby but this is a way of keeping her sanity?

Maybe she has personal problems but needs your social support.

I don't think she's a voyeur. I think she's troubled.

I had miscarriages. It's a difficult thing to discuss. You don't want sympathy, you don't want to discuss it.

If she's not gossiping about you all, let her be?

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 15/03/2019 20:00

So I probably watch too much TV....but it could be a man or someone that shouldn't be privy to all of the groups personal information.😱🤷‍♀️

OfficeSlave · 15/03/2019 20:17

That’s what I was thinking too Mymoms! even if not, it’s a stranger you now know nothing about and after a year they know lots about you and your kid. What if it was a groomed woman who was a human trafficker, waiting to pass on your info. Sounds crazy and is most likely just a nosy woman, but you truly never know and stranger things have happened. we live in a bonkers world where letting strangers have lots of info about you is often a very bad idea.

It’s great to have compassion, eg try and find out if it’s a mum that is struggling but in this case it’s not.

WoollyMollyMonkey · 15/03/2019 20:21

Sorry to interrupt, but how do you see who has read messages on WhatsApp? Blush

bullyingadvice2017 · 15/03/2019 20:22

Five of us are on a group. My very best friend included. She is quite mentally unwell and had been for a while. She dosent ever reply to the group but I know she enjoys reading messages and keeping up to date. She would be mortified if she was chucked out and likely tip her over the edge.

longestlurkerever · 15/03/2019 20:23

We had this - a MN antenatal thread became a facebook group and over the course of 4 years or so we have become good friends sharing quite intimate things. There were some people who hadn't engaged since the babies' births so we put a shout out to say we would be deleting people who hadn't replied for ages, and then did so to anyone who didn't pipe up within a week or so. There was more than one person so perhaps felt less personal but you could use a white lie and say there are a few people who haven't posted in ages so if you don't hear from them within x timeframe you'll assume they no longer want to be part of the group and delete them. I wouldn't feel bad about it - you've reached out to her and she hasn't responded.

KimchiLaLa · 15/03/2019 20:25

Set up a new group. It's just easier for you and her.

longestlurkerever · 15/03/2019 20:26

Sorry, missed your update. At least she replied. Maybe she'll start engaging.

mindutopia · 15/03/2019 20:33

I would remove her. I’m in a local breastfeeding WhatsApp group. I did actually used to attend the group when my youngest one was small, but since about 6 months, I just haven’t had the time. He’s over 1 now and I’m back to work now, no hope really of attending the group again. I wouldn’t be offended if they removed me, but I feel a bit rude doing it myself. If she messages you later, you can always ask if she wants be added again.

Flowersintheatticconversion · 15/03/2019 20:43

Just remove her but thousands and thousands of messages? I’d be removing myself.
I hate group chats

batfish · 15/03/2019 20:51

I would definitely remove her - and I usually go out of my way to avoid upsetting or offending people. We had exactly the same in a group WhatsApp from some baby classes where we set up the chat to keep meeting up after the classes finished. Added the whole group to be polite. But 2 girls literally never contributed anything at all and so after a couple of months the rest of us, who were meeting regularly, decided to delete them as felt weird about them seeing all of our chat and photos.

And her reply about being too busy to reply might be acceptable if it had just been for a couple of weeks but no one can be so busy that they can't fire off a few words every now and again. I get overwhelmed by being busy and trying to keep on top of life admin sometimes but sending the odd message to a group chat is quick and easy, it's the longer messages to have a proper catch up with people that are the ones that get left behind

Leapfrog44 · 15/03/2019 22:09

what classes as 'reading' messages? I get added to whatsapp groups from time to time - upcoming party or something - and I soon realise that all the chat SHOULD be between individuals not in a group forum. People are basically just having conversations in public rather than private and my phone pinging all the time annoys me.
I check EACH time my phone pings but don't actually read them if they look irrelevant. I always exit the group but I wonder if those messages I've ignored and classed as 'read' - if that makes sense??

If she's muted the notifications from that group but is still active on whatsapp it might look like she's reading them when she's not?

di2004 · 15/03/2019 22:14

Maybe she wants to come out of the group but because she’s not the main one ( admin) she can’t do it herself. Either way she’s very rude for not replying to messages. Do what the majority of us are saying and start another group, then you don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

BeverlyHillsCop · 15/03/2019 22:43

Whatsapp groups for new Mums are the devils arse.
I don’t blame her for going silent, she’s probably not an oversharer.
Endless pings and photos of what little Frankie did next..... I left ours.

Original poster
WhatsAppRemoval · 15/03/2019 23:12

@WoollyMollyMonkey - one grey tick means it's waiting to go, two grey ticks means delivered to the phone and two blue ticks means read (Or at least scrolled past).

Those with concerns that she's a man or other stalker, she definitely isn't, we had met her before.

Those theorising about not reading - in the update message she sent, she specifically said she enjoyed reading the updates. I've no idea why a bunch of people arranging lunches you aren't going to or discussing teething might be fun when you don't join in. Clearly it isn't hard to send one or two messages. I don't mind her ditching us, it's still reading without saying anything that's odd.

Update - I've removed her and she knows she can be re-added if she ever wants to be. All friendly. I also updated all the others on what she said.

I was pleased to hear from her because I'd been worried that something had happened to her baby or that she was struggling with PND and we'd failed to help her. DH now unhelpfully theorised that she did lose the baby and is lying so we don't all feel bad. He uses the fact she still didn't refer to anything about her baby in the messages as his reasoning. I'm trying to remember that rationally that's extremely unlikely and he's just being annoying.

OP posts:
Canuckduck · 16/03/2019 00:02

Going to an antenatal group together doesn’t make you best friends. Just remove her and move on. She might not be ok but she might also be fine and just choosing not to be friends. You’ve made many attempts to reach out to no avail. Respect her privacy, remove her and move forward.

PregnantSea · 16/03/2019 00:05

I very rarely respond in group chats on whatsapp. I only really do it if it's a small group with people I know very well. I'm just a bit shy like that. So I could see myself going for a whole year without participating in a group with lots of women I didn't know well.

However I would definitely have responded to private messages from people. That's just rude/weird not to. On the basis that she's ignored private messages I would just delete her from the group. If she's bothered she will contact you and ask why she's been removed.

Booyahkasha · 16/03/2019 01:14

press on message to see who's read it

Booyahkasha · 16/03/2019 01:15

Leave the poor woman in the group! Does it matter really? She may feel low and glad to be included.

SandyY2K · 16/03/2019 02:35

I started a WhatsApp group and there's someone I'd like to remove, because she just lurks. I know she reads the messages, but never comments.

I might do it and if she says anything, I'll say it was an accident, but it does piss a few if us off.

SandyY2K · 16/03/2019 02:36

Your lady couldn't be arsed. She's not that busy at all.

fargo123 · 16/03/2019 05:53

Nobody is that busy.

She's rude to ignore the individual message, at least up until this single one. Good on you for removing her finally.

Swipe left for the next trending thread