Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to remove a mum from whatsapp group?

172 replies

WhatsAppRemoval · 14/03/2019 14:11

Over a year ago I set up a WhatsApp group for my antenatal group mums (plus a couple of other local mums got added at some point as they didn't have a group). One of the original group called B added a couple of messages early on, but since then hasn't said anything. B didn't announce her baby's birth, she hasn't commented on anything else people have said in nearly a year and she's never come to a meet-up.

At least one other mum A messaged her privately after a few months but got no reply. One of the other mums C pointed out to me that she's been reading the messages; I checked and sure enough they each show as read by her. So she's been reading thousands and thousands of messages, looking at our baby photos, seeing when we catch up, but not responding. C said she also messaged B privately to ask if she was ok, but got no reply. C said it was weeks before so could I try; I messaged B. She read it and no reply.

If she didn't want to be in the group then she could leave, or mute the notifications. We don't know if something happened to her baby, or if she moved away, or if she has PND, or if she just doesn't like us; the confusing bit with any explanation we can think of is why read the messages? The idea of effectively a stranger reading everything and seeing photos is weird now that we've all known each other over a year! If she replied now we'd be happy to welcome her to the group, but she isn't even responding to individual messages. Should we ask her if she wants to be removed from the group as she isn't responding to messages? Should we remove her? Just leave it? Anyone have an idea of an amazing message to send to get her to let us know if she's ok?

(NC for this thread because the details might make it obvious it's me to anyone in the group.)

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/03/2019 15:37

I think I’d prob just send a text to the group explaining you’re doing a bit of house keeping, and will remove anyone who’s not actively contributing to the group. Explain that if they haven’t contributed since x date they will be removed by the end of the week unless you hear from Them.
Hopefully she won’t respond and voila, you remove her.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 14/03/2019 15:43

Just remove her, don't give it another thought. You've tried to get in contact and nothing back. She's clearly not interested.

Original poster
WhatsAppRemoval · 14/03/2019 15:45

@downcasteyes - how can I check though, do you mean phone her?

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 14/03/2019 15:49

Yeah, I'd try that. She's clearly not responding for whatever reason to WhatsApp - so maybe try a different way?

NotSorry · 14/03/2019 15:51

look at it a different way - I was added to groups I don't want to be in but equally I don't want to cause a stir by leaving just I just mute them - maybe it's this?

thecatsthecats · 14/03/2019 15:51

You can @ her in the group to warn her about removal.

I agree that she's probably at the very most skimming the messages rather than reading and remaining silent. She most likely has just a new routine with new friends, or has support from family etc.

Almost certainly nothing sinister, and since you guys have reached out specifically, if she does want support she doesn't appear to want it from you.

I don't like notifications left on What's App, so if I don't want to read a thread I just open then close it again.

BoobiesToTheRescue · 14/03/2019 15:52

Talk about making something out of noting.

Literally nothing.

Just remove her. What do you think will happen?!

ErickBroch · 14/03/2019 15:55

BoobiesToTheRescue I agree this is pretty bizarre

Kintan · 14/03/2019 15:56

I think you are overthinking this. If she is reading all your message and purposely not joining in, I don’t think she would be surprised or hurt to be removed from the group. If you have all tried to message her privately too and she doesn’t respond, then she is being a little rude. Maybe she wishes she could remove herself from the WhatsApp but feels a bit awkward doing so. If like pp have suggested maybe something happened to her baby, then that’s truly awful, but again I don’t think anyone would be too upset about being removed from a group of effective strangers that they actively have nothing to do with.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2019 15:58

I would just remove her, people have tried to communicate with her, but it is just one way.

KittyMcKitty · 14/03/2019 15:58

I was binned from an ante natal group - I had a sick baby and PND - I’d said a couple of times I couldn’t meet on x day and they always arranged to meet then. Then they messaged me and told me they were binning me as I wasn’t committed to the group - never asked if I was ok. It really really hurt and still does many years later. I vowed I would never treat anyone like that.

firstbrightday · 14/03/2019 16:01

I don't understand why you have to do anything about this, what's the problem? Seems spiteful. She might be having a hard time

DanglyBangly · 14/03/2019 16:03

Just delete her. Three of you have reached out, with no response. She can always respond to you with an explanation if she wants back in.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/03/2019 16:03

KittyMcKitty they have tried to contact her, to see if she is ok, and there is absolutely no reply from her, she is silent, not even a Hi how are you all, hope your ok" type thing.

RosieAway · 14/03/2019 16:04

Is it really an issue? I’d prob just ignore it. You never know what’s going on with someone, it may be social anxiety or worse...

Kintan · 14/03/2019 16:04

KittyMcKitty sorry that happened to you, that really sucks. But in the OPs situation this has been going on for more than a year and this person has not responded to direct messages. Honestly if I think about my NCT group WhatsApp, and all the private details we have shared about our families, there is no way I would want someone who we don’t know lurking. The OP and her group have tried to reach out privately to her, and been ignored. If she does have PND I don’t think a group of people who she last saw over a year ago are going to be able to help her - especially if she is ignoring them!

Micah · 14/03/2019 16:04

I go silent during stressful times. I can’t join in on social media, i don’t feel I have anything to say and i don’t think people want to hear from me.

I do usually pop up when i’m in a better place and apologise explaining i’ve had a rough time.

I do occasionally find I’ve been deleted with no warning. Which is hurtful and only confirms my own headspace that the group/friend never wanted me or found me interesting enough in the first place.

Only once has someone messaged to tell me they were deleting me and why. I can’t tell you how much better that is that they took the trouble to reach out first.

The timing of this woman going silent co-incides with possibly something happening or PND. She may be reading the posts as if something has happened it gives her an idea of where her life would be.

I’d message first, ask her if she’s ok and warn her she’ll be deleted. Tell her if she wants to re-join she’s welcome. Sometimes the longer you leave it the more you feel you can’t join in..

OneBiscuitAtATime · 14/03/2019 16:10

We had this on a FB group for our birth month. A few people were uncomfortable with the lurkers so we put a polite post up to do a roll call so everyone could say hello, and let it be known that lurkers would be removed. A few popped up to say they loved the updates and advice but had a bit too disorganised to post/struggling a bit/shy. I’d make a general comment about removing lurkers in x date and give her the opportunity to contribute.

ALannisterInDebt · 14/03/2019 16:16

I would post a message along the lines of...'hi everyone, as administrator of the WhatsApp group I'm just doing a bit of housekeeping and checking that everyone is still happy to be part of this group, as we share photos of the DC etc. If it's ok I'll be removing inactive members shortly let me know if you no longer get wish to be a part of it, thanks everyone'

And then when you see she's read it, delete her.

TheDarkPassenger · 14/03/2019 16:18

I think the lurker idea is briliant^

In our mum chat you get removed for not being involved, we talk about very private stuff and we’ve had a breach of confidentiality before where a lurker printed off screenshots and sent them round some of the other mothers’ school (there wasn’t anything bitchy on there so we don’t know why she did it) we are no nonsense now!

Thankfuckitsfriday1 · 14/03/2019 16:19

You’ve all messaged and she’s never responded.. delete her.

I did the same in my baby group after never talking for over a year and reading messages

anniehm · 14/03/2019 16:20

Message her and say that as she's no longer active in the group you will be removing her but if she wants to be more involved to let you know - leaves the window open if circumstances change

TooManyBiscuitsNotEnoughTea · 14/03/2019 16:29

I would just explain in the group that you are sifting through inactive members and anyone who wants to remain, say aye

atlastifoundit · 14/03/2019 16:35

if she does want support she doesn't appear to want it from you

Sometimes, the people who need help and support the most are the very ones who are least able to ask for it.

thedisorganisedmum · 14/03/2019 16:41

definitively over thinking it.

I would remove her and be done with it.
You can send her a message asking how she is getting on first if you want, and see if she even replies. When she doesn't, then remove her.