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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to remove a mum from whatsapp group?

172 replies

WhatsAppRemoval · 14/03/2019 14:11

Over a year ago I set up a WhatsApp group for my antenatal group mums (plus a couple of other local mums got added at some point as they didn't have a group). One of the original group called B added a couple of messages early on, but since then hasn't said anything. B didn't announce her baby's birth, she hasn't commented on anything else people have said in nearly a year and she's never come to a meet-up.

At least one other mum A messaged her privately after a few months but got no reply. One of the other mums C pointed out to me that she's been reading the messages; I checked and sure enough they each show as read by her. So she's been reading thousands and thousands of messages, looking at our baby photos, seeing when we catch up, but not responding. C said she also messaged B privately to ask if she was ok, but got no reply. C said it was weeks before so could I try; I messaged B. She read it and no reply.

If she didn't want to be in the group then she could leave, or mute the notifications. We don't know if something happened to her baby, or if she moved away, or if she has PND, or if she just doesn't like us; the confusing bit with any explanation we can think of is why read the messages? The idea of effectively a stranger reading everything and seeing photos is weird now that we've all known each other over a year! If she replied now we'd be happy to welcome her to the group, but she isn't even responding to individual messages. Should we ask her if she wants to be removed from the group as she isn't responding to messages? Should we remove her? Just leave it? Anyone have an idea of an amazing message to send to get her to let us know if she's ok?

(NC for this thread because the details might make it obvious it's me to anyone in the group.)

OP posts:

CaseofEllen · 14/03/2019 16:44

None of you even noticed that she was still 'reading' messages until a year later. Maybe nothings wrong but maybe she's really struggling, her baby didn't make it/PND etc. I just think removing her would be so rude, considering it's been a year and none of you noticed so it can't be that much of a concern.

daphine2004 · 14/03/2019 16:58

We had two like that in our NCT group and we just removed after a while. Didn’t say anything before we did it, but it was their choice not to engage and we invited them all the time and gave up.

eddielizzard · 14/03/2019 17:08

I'd set up a new group. That way, if she wants to engage she can still message the old group.

over50andfab · 14/03/2019 17:15

Don’t just delete her OP - reading some of the other posts on here she might be having a really bad time of it. As a few of you have tried to contact her, perhaps now do a “housekeeping” post to all, saying you will delete those who don’t reply. Then send her a message saying it would be wonderful to hear how things are going with her but if you don’t hear back you assume she doesn’t want to stay in contact, so you’ll delete her andwish her all the best. Give her every opportunity, just in case!

Original poster

WhatsAppRemoval · 14/03/2019 17:39

@CaseofEllen - my last message to her was 5 months ago, I was aware of other messages before then (and waiting for the outcome) plus she's had a message from someone else since, sorry if my OP wasn't clear.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 14/03/2019 18:05

Could you do a bit of quiet checking, such as on social media? See if you can find anything out about her? Possibly moved away or had personal things going on. Obviously worst possible explanation would be that something bad has happened with her baby.

My concern with deleting her would be that if she is struggling (for whatever reason) and hasn't removed herself, that the vague connection with the group might be providing support to her. It may make her feel less isolated in some way. I have periods of social anxiety and although I don't usually want contact with people in those times, it would be worse to feel excluded.

Etino · 14/03/2019 18:11

You have her phone number- call her!

Original poster

WhatsAppRemoval · 14/03/2019 18:43

I'd tried Facebook before and couldn't find her. She didn't answer the phone either.

However, SUCCESS! I messaged only her, a little like @over50andfab's message but as friendly as I could. She replied with apologies, said she has enjoyed reading the updates but hasn't had time to keep in touch (and said she accepts that's a useless excuse), said she's been busy and commented on birthdays. So, she was just being quiet. I've asked her if she wants to stay or be removed and will leave it up to her. Thanks all!

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 14/03/2019 18:58

So basically she’s just nosy. It’s been over a year and she hasn’t contributed since the start and has only replied when she really had to in order to be able to stay in the group and be nosy.

No one is that busy

over50andfab · 14/03/2019 19:01

That’s great OP. It might well be that she is in fact not feeling too good and used the busy excuse, you never know.

Perhaps reply saying that’s great she wants to keep in touch and anytime she wants to contribute it would be lovely to hear how things are going...perhaps a baby pic etc.

MumUnderTheMoon · 14/03/2019 19:21

Just remove her I don't understand why it's even a question.

Thegreymethod · 14/03/2019 19:51

She might not have had time to join in at first and now feels awkward like it'll seem weird if she just appears now..... although that doesn't explain why she wouldn't answer the individual messages. Just start a new group!

Kintan · 14/03/2019 20:23

I'd find it a bit weird and voyeuristic if someone I barely knew was enjoying reading about my life. It'd be different if she was a long established friend, but she has got to know you and the rest of the group over the year, whereas you know nothing about her, not even anything about her baby. She may have social anxiety or something, but I wouldn't be comfortable in this situation - your lives are not just a soap opera type situation for her enjoyment (not suggesting your whatsapp group is as dramatic as a soap opera btw!).

thedisorganisedmum · 14/03/2019 21:10

she has enjoyed reading the updates but hasn't had time to keep in touch

yeah right...

If you can't get around removing her, start a new group!

FrancesFryer · 14/03/2019 21:16

Do you lot realise how many people read mumsnet and never post.
Ok i know it's an anonymous forum but there's still quite a lot of personal stuff on here and you're still happy to post

thedisorganisedmum · 14/03/2019 21:23

Do you lot realise how many people read mumsnet and never post.
that is the opposite of a whatsapp group!
MN is a public forum accessible by absolutely anyone in the world (and hackers have proven they can access your emails from there too...)
Whatsapp is a private message platform.

Drum2018 · 14/03/2019 21:29

She probably read this thread :-)

FrancesFryer · 14/03/2019 21:31

Who you have chosen to add, presumably because you don't mind them knowing what you will say

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 14/03/2019 22:10

I think she read this thread too

ALannisterInDebt · 14/03/2019 22:22

Brilliant idea to start a new chat.

HedgerowTree · 15/03/2019 18:59

If she enjoys the updates but doesn’t reply then that’s still weird that you don’t even know her babies birthday. Just delete her or start a new group. Why should she read personal innkemarion about you? I would not be comfortable after a year

maureen17 · 15/03/2019 19:15

she needs a friend ..give compassion not judgement!

BumbleBeee69 · 15/03/2019 19:33

Delete her.

needmorepizzainmydiet · 15/03/2019 19:37

She probably isn’t actually reading them. Just clicking into the message to get rid of the notification.

ThistleTits · 15/03/2019 19:40

Perhaps her pregnancy didn't go as well as other people's and she's just not up to discussing it atm.

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