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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to remove a mum from whatsapp group?

172 replies

WhatsAppRemoval · 14/03/2019 14:11

Over a year ago I set up a WhatsApp group for my antenatal group mums (plus a couple of other local mums got added at some point as they didn't have a group). One of the original group called B added a couple of messages early on, but since then hasn't said anything. B didn't announce her baby's birth, she hasn't commented on anything else people have said in nearly a year and she's never come to a meet-up.

At least one other mum A messaged her privately after a few months but got no reply. One of the other mums C pointed out to me that she's been reading the messages; I checked and sure enough they each show as read by her. So she's been reading thousands and thousands of messages, looking at our baby photos, seeing when we catch up, but not responding. C said she also messaged B privately to ask if she was ok, but got no reply. C said it was weeks before so could I try; I messaged B. She read it and no reply.

If she didn't want to be in the group then she could leave, or mute the notifications. We don't know if something happened to her baby, or if she moved away, or if she has PND, or if she just doesn't like us; the confusing bit with any explanation we can think of is why read the messages? The idea of effectively a stranger reading everything and seeing photos is weird now that we've all known each other over a year! If she replied now we'd be happy to welcome her to the group, but she isn't even responding to individual messages. Should we ask her if she wants to be removed from the group as she isn't responding to messages? Should we remove her? Just leave it? Anyone have an idea of an amazing message to send to get her to let us know if she's ok?

(NC for this thread because the details might make it obvious it's me to anyone in the group.)

OP posts:
PrimeraVez · 14/03/2019 14:53

Previously I would have said oh god, just delete her!

But... we had an almost identical situation in my antenatal Whatsapp group. The situation went on for a year. She didn’t reply to individual private messages, announcements of second babies etc etc... Eventually one of the group messaged her privately to say ‘ok I’m going to delete you so you don’t continue to get overwhelmed by a million messages’ and she replied! Turned out she had been struggling with a really severe case of PND and the longer it went on without her responding to messages, the more guilty she felt and less able she felt to reply!
Anyway, we all welcomed her back with open arms and she is now very much back in the fold.

dutysuite · 14/03/2019 14:54

Start a new group without her and then all gradually leave the old group.

Orangecookie · 14/03/2019 14:54

Start a new group. What above poster said! It’s good to do these things well and try not to talk about her with others. She might have been having a hard time you never know.

ThreeBagsFullofWool · 14/03/2019 14:54

I'd find that creept tbh and would remove her.

Findingthingstough18 · 14/03/2019 14:56

I just wanted to point out that you don't know that she's read the messages, looked at your baby photos, etc.: you know that she's opened the thread, perhaps simply to make the notifications go away. Yes it would be easier to mute them or leave the group, but lots of people don't do this. I once had an app on my phone that I never used but sent me multiple notifications a day that I just swiped away for OVER A YEAR until I finally thought 'wtf am I doing?' and deleted the app! She might be reading all the messages, or she might be opening the group every few days, closing it without reading a thing and thinking 'god, I really should mute that... Next time!'

Lots of people also don't know that you can mute but not leave, and she might have got to the point where she feels leaving now would be awkward? That happened to a friend of mine with a stag do thread that turned into a daily chat thread for a group of friends with him as one random near-stranger - he's been in it for years and can't leave because then it'll notify them all that he's left and they'll be like 'wait, why has Dan's brother-in-law been reading all our conversations for years!'

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/03/2019 14:57

I would put a general message in the group saying that, in order to make sure the group members are all active and happy to be in the group, could they please confirm they want to stay in the group by adding a message below, and anyone who doesn’t respond will be removed from the group.

EssentialHummus · 14/03/2019 14:58

What odell said - has anyone seen her out and about at groups etc with her little one?

I’m on a baby Whatsapp group with a few lurkers. Occasionally one of us will say something (in person) but I don’t think anyone’s bothered enough to do more.

MotherOfDragonite · 14/03/2019 14:59

I've just had another thought -- you could approach the original NCT leader and let her know that you're concerned about this group member, and explain why. Then she can follow up with her.

But I think I'd still set up a new group in the meantime (leaving the old one there to avoid removing the silent person or cutting her out completely).

DontCallMeCharlotte · 14/03/2019 15:01

I'm on a group which started as a girls' weekend away group over two trips and with other trips in the offing. All the others are members of the same family, I'm an "honorary" member of the family (but just an old friend actually). Two of the newer members have taken over the group and turned it into basically a family chat/nonsense group so I rarely respond as I don't really know their side of the family and quite often have to mute it for 24 hours. Thing is, I wouldn't want to be removed because it will be relevant when the next group trip comes around.

Annoyingly, there is another group for many of the same people for another upcoming trip but including the "menfolk". The same people have done much the same on this one and again, I rarely respond (DH never does) but again I wouldn't want to be removed.

Your case is different though OP as I imagine it's fairly relevant to her - or so you would have thought - especially as you've contacted her individually and still no response. So I think tenbob's idea of setting up a new group without her on it is a good one (and it will probably drive her mad!).

Bubba1234 · 14/03/2019 15:03

Definitely start a new group x

MimiSunshine · 14/03/2019 15:04

I wouldn’t over think it with all the what if she’s got PND etc etc. It’s been over a year since you met her, she hasn’t kept in touch, she doesn’t respond to direct messages.
Just remove her from the WhatsApp group.

If by some chance she then gets in touch then you can always add her back in. But you don’t need to keep a stranger on a private chat thread that contains personal messages and photos out of politeness

MimiSunshine · 14/03/2019 15:06

Oh and if she us reading the messages properly rather than just opening to remove notifications then what will setting up a new group achieve?

She’s not likely to believe you’ve all suddenly stopped communicating at the same time so will have a pretty good idea you want to exclude her so just delete her she don’t worry about it any further

Barbarafromblackpool · 14/03/2019 15:06

New group.

Anique105 · 14/03/2019 15:11

She doesnt need such importance as to asking her if she wants to be there, she clearly couldnt care after all those people messaging her. And you shouldnt have to create a new group.
Just send a message to say that you are admin and for everyone who still wants to be on the group to confirm.

Tiptoetiptoetiptoe · 14/03/2019 15:11

We had a vote on our baby group and got rid of a silent person who read everything.
We left one last message saying the reason why and kicked her.
She may have just opened the group and not actually read anything, but it seemed pointless that she was even there.
I wouldn’t feel bad, just kick them out.

ErickBroch · 14/03/2019 15:15

I would just create a new group and leave the old one. You don't have to make an announcement at all, just stop using it.

Scottishgirl85 · 14/03/2019 15:17

We had similar and just set up a new group without them. Less harsh than blocking them. It would be good to check she's ok though, but you've tried this already x

DarlingNikita · 14/03/2019 15:20

I'd be wary of deleting her, having read PrimeraVez's story.

Maybe message everyone, as someone suggested, saying 'We're trimming the group, so if you don't reply to this by x time I'll delete you.'

OVienna · 14/03/2019 15:21

I can see why you're a bit creeped out but my guess is she is probably paying no attention to the messages. There is a group I have considered but am reluctant to pull out of - occasionally I will glance at the messages if I'm reading another chain. That would come off as 'read' probably whereas in reality I'm not really 'reading' them (is school group.) I can totally see why in a group of increasingly close friends you wouldn't want a random on there though.

There could be something going on but if she was only involved very early on in the group I think it's more likely that it just wasn't her cup of tea and she decided not to pursue. Was she keen or not?

She'd also be talking to people she knows well if something bad had happened and she did need support, not people she met a few times at a baby group. She may perceive any more contact from people she's not replying to as you guys being busybodies.

I'd just remove her. I doubt she would notice.

BumbleBeee69 · 14/03/2019 15:22

Delete her from the group.

RhiWrites · 14/03/2019 15:24

She’s not likely to believe you’ve all suddenly stopped communicating at the same time so will have a pretty good idea you want to exclude her so just delete her she don’t worry about it any further

Good point. Setting up a new group to exclude her looks more hostile than deleting her for non-participation.

Foxmuffin · 14/03/2019 15:25

She’s no threat to you. I’m not sure why it makes any difference.
Maybe she’s having a hard time.

Ozzybobgoblin · 14/03/2019 15:28

Delete her.

downcasteyes · 14/03/2019 15:29

My mother is a really compassionless person. I can remember her telling me that when I was born there were a group of mothers who used to hang out with for a bit. One of them had a baby that apparently 'wasn't right' (her words, not mine). One day, a bunch of us were playing and this woman's child was clearly not able to do the same things as the rest of the youngsters, by a long way. So she scooped up her child and ran off in tears saying she knew there was something wrong.

My mother, being the way she was, always just describes this as proof the woman was 'odd', rather than seeing the moment for what it probably was - the shock of the moment when a parent has a dawning realisation that their child possibly has SEN. One of my friends has a child with a genetic disorder who is really quite severely disabled, and watching her go through a long period of uncertainty and worry before diagnosis really brought it home to me how difficult, isolating and frightening this process can be.

Please just check that B doesn't need a bit of help.

PegLegAntoine · 14/03/2019 15:33

Could she have had her phone nicked or something? Or WhatsApp is installed on an old phone someone else is using, I don’t really understand WA tbh 😳 but maybe it’s not actually her reading

I think the fairest thing though is to put the warning message on. Maybe she’s rude or maybe she’s struggling. You have reached out to her though.

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