AIBU to remove a mum from whatsapp group?

[WhatsAppRemoval]

Over a year ago I set up a WhatsApp group for my antenatal group mums (plus a couple of other local mums got added at some point as they didn't have a group). One of the original group called B added a couple of messages early on, but since then hasn't said anything. B didn't announce her baby's birth, she hasn't commented on anything else people have said in nearly a year and she's never come to a meet-up.

At least one other mum A messaged her privately after a few months but got no reply. One of the other mums C pointed out to me that she's been reading the messages; I checked and sure enough they each show as read by her. So she's been reading thousands and thousands of messages, looking at our baby photos, seeing when we catch up, but not responding. C said she also messaged B privately to ask if she was ok, but got no reply. C said it was weeks before so could I try; I messaged B. She read it and no reply.

If she didn't want to be in the group then she could leave, or mute the notifications. We don't know if something happened to her baby, or if she moved away, or if she has PND, or if she just doesn't like us; the confusing bit with any explanation we can think of is why read the messages? The idea of effectively a stranger reading everything and seeing photos is weird now that we've all known each other over a year! If she replied now we'd be happy to welcome her to the group, but she isn't even responding to individual messages. Should we ask her if she wants to be removed from the group as she isn't responding to messages? Should we remove her? Just leave it? Anyone have an idea of an amazing message to send to get her to let us know if she's ok?

(NC for this thread because the details might make it obvious it's me to anyone in the group.)

Just message her privately, say you hope she’s well and you are just doing some group admin and tying up of loose ends. Enquire whether she wishes to remain in the group as no one has seen her for a while and it’s been a long time since she participated. Tell her if she doesn’t respond within a few days either way you’ll take it as a no and remove her. Do it in a polite and friendly way.

It can be difficult to just leave groups that have outlived their use without seeming rude or worrying about causing offence. Perhaps that’s why she hasn’t done it herself.

Has anyone seen her in person the last yr tho ?

Yes, I have read all the updates. I wonder if she will re apply to the group ?

@TheMaddHugger - no, nobody's seen her since the birth. She lives a few miles away from me, the nearest to her is still over a mile.

OK
I wonder if she thinks it's kinda like this forum {she's wrong... But} We read whatever and most often don't comment

She does understand what group was about right ?

She didn't seem particularly stupid. Obviously there aren't that many people in the group, it was the ante-natal group and then a couple of extras who knew everyone else from meet-ups.

ok. just thought i'd ask. Years ago i read and followed on a miss manners forum. never posted but felt I knew them all due to reading all these personal things. [yes and open forum]
So many things I could relate to. It was good for me, being a total introvert

given that your group is private. she seems a tad stalkerish.

Over a decade ago

All of this angst about her reading messages and not replying is very odd and sounds more like a bunch of teenage girls to me. She probably is struggling with something or perhaps likes reading about how you are all getting on without feeling the need to make an interesting comment about weaning or whatever. Leave her be.

nothing teenagery about this at all. they made a private group to to share the things personal to them.

this lady hasn't shared anything. makes her a virtual stranger

I'm admin of a WhatsApp group and I've just removed someone for the same thing. They didn't reply to direct questions or to meet up invites. I wouldn't have minded if they'd said they can't make it but the ignoring is rude. This went on for about a year. They contacted me to ask why and tried to say they hadn't read certain things. I told them I could see when they read everything and they were very cross. I can't stand lurkers. If you want to be part of a WhatsApp group take part. Otherwise don't bother.

@cansu - So you can't understand why a very small group of mums might find it odd when one doesn't announce the birth nor say anything from that moment for a whole year. REALLY? Nah, you just came on the thread determined to be critical. Hope you enjoyed your moment.

This poor woman baby could have died .It might give her comfort to read the messages but feels not able to respond as she cant put any photos on.The person who lives a mile away could gone to see if she ok. You sound like a load of bitches just thinking of yourself she better off without you

Your reply to cansu says a lot about you.

Oh FFS beautga. You go round and check she's all right if it means that much to you. It's not bitchy to want to maintain a degree of privacy when sharing intimate details of your life and not wanting a stranger to be party to that. People are sharing photos of their kids, there needs to be a bond of trust. It's negligent to do otherwise.

I am not being critical particularly. I think some people are not necessarily massive users of social media and might not see that they should be making comments on everyone's posts. The OP has said somewhere that they don't all meet so it seems a bit odd that this is all such a big deal. It also just seems v adolescent to be thinking of ways to exclude her tbh. I obviously don't 'get' this but no need to get quite so angry about it! There could be other more unfortunate reasons such as this lady's baby having special needs or medical issues that make posting harder for her.

cansu - I think it's more that not everyone is comfortable sharing details of their lives/families and children's photos with people they don't know. Some people are happy to have public Instagrams and 900 Facebook friends and some aren't.
In a group of 10 or 12 people on WhatsApp who meet in person it's uncomfortable to have a lurker.

@Beautga - we did an ante-natal class together and nobody had her address because she didn't come to any other meet-ups. You could read the updates to see that we wanted to make sure she was ok. That's why so many of us sent her messages that she ignored. How do you propose that we go about helping someone who we don't know and who doesn't want to talk to us?

@cansu - Everyone else has come to meet-ups, they just can't all attend all of them. In my experience that's totally normal with any mum gatherings, everyone has different schedules or relatives visiting or the baby gets sick or whatever. She is effectively a stranger, everyone else knows each other. The additional local mums have never even met her, yet are sharing private information and photos. Everyone is happy to include her but we wanted get to say something and she has said she doesn't have time for the group. I don't know what you aren't understanding?

Oh, this is the ridiculousness of Whatsapp groups. She was invited so is entitled to read the posts. There are no rules that she has to respond. This ludicrous policing of whether people have read the posts drives me mad. It causes no end of rows. I know at least two groups that have closed due to this behaviour. Leave her alone. She is entitled to read-only. The police state of Social media GGGrrh

I dont think I would ile to be in your group

OP, I think you were right to delete her.

BUT, your most recent posts have revealed the real you. Where is the faux concern for her potential unstable mental health that you were at lengths to point out in earlier posts now, pray tell?

You’re disingenuous.

The group was set up to arrange meeting up in person... How is it a "police state" to wonder at one person not even telling us if she has a boy or girl while she's looking at photos of babies belonging to women she's never met? She has been given the option to stay in the group and she has been given the option to rejoin the group any time - so how is she being confined or inconvenienced? Plenty of other posters seem to understand why it's weird for everyone else.

I think you were right to delete her. If she’s ignored individual messages (which is just rude imo) then I see no reason to let her lurk in the small WhatsApp group. She’s obviously got no interest in being an active member of it.

@AllTheFours44 - it isn't "faux concern", that's very insulting. We wouldn't have kept messaging her for so long if we hadn't worried. Her messages were just very casual, so while I was thrilled to hear something back I now start to feel a little irritated that we've all been worrying about her when she just couldn't be arsed to send a one liner to tell anyone that she was ok. I'll be over the minor irritation in a day or so, but that's what you're seeing. If she wants to participate in the group now or in future then she's still very welcome (and I really liked her when we first met so I would be pleased if she did), but she says she doesn't.

I genuinely don't see why anyone owes someone they met once a running commentary about their life.

I guess we all see things through the lens of our own experience.

I experienced severe postnatal mental health problems. I was a member of a group of mums with babies born in the same month, and I would spend hours writing a reply to all their group messages, but because I was so unwell it would take me so long to compose the message (often several days) that the conversation had moved on and I'd feel it would be rude to post my message without addressing all the more recent messages as well, so I'd get trapped into a cycle of not posting (despite having massively long responses typed in my Drafts). It wasn't that I was "busy" as such (although it did feel that way) - unless you count hallucinations and delusions and sweating and paralysis and being in time-warps as being busy But the longer I took to reply, the more out-of-date my draft response became and the harder it became to post. Despite that, this group of mums were an absolute lifeline for me - reading all their updates in my lucid moments was probably the main thing that kept me sane during those dark days. I've met up with some of them since then, and even count one of them amongst my close friends. But for a while, yes, I was a "lurker" (admittedly not for a year - but then I'm lucky that my illness only lasted a few weeks - other people aren't so lucky). I dread to think what it would have done to my mental state at the time, if they'd kicked me out and I hadn't had that lifeline.

Anyway, that's just my own personal experience and of course this lady's situation may be completely different - maybe she just didn't gel with the group and is a bit nosy. But I see things through that lens.

to the others on this thread who have suffered.