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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH turning down a very well paid job

322 replies

BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 09:06

Will try to be short ; DH was made redundant 18months ago and ,apart from a 6 week stint as a contractor, has not worked. He could not find work so after 7 months I left my low paid but great part time job to go full time locumming to bring in more money. To cut a long story short , after 18montgs finally he has two contract job offers on the table. Option 1 - local firm doing something not related to what he is qualified in and pay reflecting this - just above NLW . But pension and sick pay etc. Option 2 - working 400 miles away , compressed hours (4 days a week) doing what he is qualified to do for 6500 pounds a month. I don't need to say that that money woild be amazing for us - for anyone but he does not want to be away from home really . AIBU for thinking he is mad and selfish ???? Help Mumsnet I need sound advice and perhaps a cold bucket of water to stop me feeling put out ....Confused

OP posts:
geekone · 14/03/2019 13:51

It’s hard in UK pharma at the moment due to Brexit. I don’t necessarily agree with working away from your family normally but for 6 month and such a large salary I think it needs to be done.
I also think that it could only be one of two companies down there and they are reputable companies and good for the CV moving forward.
I can however see his point I am not sure I could leave my DS for 6 months only seeing him at weekends.

Original poster
BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 13:52

Yes he is struggling with that of course- but he did tell me he hated being a said on more than one occasion ! Confused

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/03/2019 13:53

Would you really want him away that long?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 14:00

There's a big difference between not wanting be be a sahd and wanting to be a knackered weekend Dad.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 14:01

It's fine OP that you'd be OK with you being away from the kids and DHall week if you had this opportunity, lots of parents do it for far longer it I don't think it's selfish to not be on with it.

Hellmistress · 14/03/2019 14:02

It wouldn't necessarily entail renting a flat or paying for a hotel room for 6 months. There are lots of people looking for a Monday to Friday lodger. There's even a website for it: www.mondaytofriday.com/

ginghamtablecloths · 14/03/2019 14:03

It may seem like great money but it would come with extra living and travelling expenses which would bite into it. It wouldn't sound like such a big deal after that's taken in to consideration. This might not be the wonderful opportunity it appears to be and it needs careful consideration.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/03/2019 14:04

Looks like a 5 HR plus drive (probably £40 fuel each way), or a 6.5 hr train. The latter being £117 for an off peak single. So he'd have to travel the night before and morning after, so be away all week basically. That's a lot.

So take £1800 off for expenses, and then knock tax etc off the remaining figure and you're under £4k. Definitely a good salary, but very different to the headline.

Dungeondragon15 · 14/03/2019 14:06

If it's only for 6 months I really think he should do it, not only for the money but because it will make a huge difference to his CV. If he takes a minimum wage job now he may never get a well paid job again. Not seeing his kids during the week for such a short period of time doesn't seem to be a huge sacrifice. I think rent is very cheap in Wrexham so he would probably be able to rent a room for six months as a fairly minimal cost. He may even be able to rent a room from just Monday to Friday. Personally, I think it's a no brainer.

dreamingofsun · 14/03/2019 14:06

if you relocate, make sure its somewhere you want to be and both of you can find future work in that location. And if you can buy a house there thats something positive (he may have to share his accounts with the mortgage company so you may not be able to do this immediately).

then if it does only last 6 months you will still be in a good position and wont have upped sticks and potentially disrupted your kids education for no LT gain

SpenglerOswald · 14/03/2019 14:16

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Alsohuman · 14/03/2019 14:23

What a vile thing to say. Pretty damned insulting, not just to OP, but everyone else who’s taken the decision to do it.

GabriellaMontez · 14/03/2019 14:25

Spengler is talking shit. There is no hint of that here. Are you posting on the right thread?

SpenglerOswald · 14/03/2019 14:26

what a vile thing to say- eh the point of this is posters can get unvarnished opinions so they can decide if they’re being reasonable or not? Or are we only allowed to post if we agree?

MrsBethel · 14/03/2019 14:30

Good on him for choosing his family over money.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/03/2019 14:31

Given its a pretty fair split of opinions on this thread Spengler I'd say that's a no, it's just you being a dick.

Sol44 · 14/03/2019 14:33

I can’t relate to any of this at all tbh. Of course he should take the job Confused. It’s only for 6 months - that will fly by. Our DC are similar ages to yours OP and my DH goes all over the world at the drop of a hat. This is only Wales! Why does he not want what’s best for his family - is he depressed maybe? This could get him (and you) out of a rut. He needs to think long-term. Nobody ever changed their life prospects by taking a NMW job down the road fgs! People travel globally for work all the time where we live (London). Nobody bats an eye if their DH is gone for weeks - half the time they’re not even sure exactly where he is. But they are no less close as a family. This is normal for millions.

LillianandJustin · 14/03/2019 14:35

I would say bite the bullet and do it for six months to boost the family coffers and see how it works out. It can’tbe More of an adjustment than adjusting to unemployment for 18 months. If the contract is extended and he hates it then there is no obligation to stay on, if it leads to something longer term then you can consider relocating (and I imagine you’d have far more likelihood of affording your own home near Wrexham than in Kent).

MotherOfDragonite · 14/03/2019 14:39

Quite apart from the question of working away for 4 days a week, taking an NMW job in a totally different field is going to massively derail his career. Unless he actively wants to give that up, then he should really be holding out for something that is more in line with his existing career trajectory. Going in to a low-paid job in a different area will ruin his prospects.

Personally I'd take the contract and put up with it on a short-term basis. He can then spend the time looking for his next role closer to home. He'll be at a massive advantage if he is already in a role and earning a proper salary. There's no need to see this as a permanent move; it's a short term contract and for me personally the pain would be worth the gain.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/03/2019 14:39

Nobody bats an eye if their DH is gone for weeks - half the time they’re not even sure exactly where he is. But they are no less close as a family. This is normal for millions.

It may be normal, but not desirable for many. I would argue that you cannot be as close as a family if one member is away most of the time, especially when the rest of the family barely pay any heed to knowing "exactly where he is".

haverhill · 14/03/2019 14:40

A judgemental and nasty post, Bookworm.
Not wanting to live apart from your partner for 60% or more of the week doesn't make someone an 'insecure wee wife'.

MotherOfDragonite · 14/03/2019 14:41

I worked away from home for a couple of years in order to move into a better position and earn more. The commute wasn't that terrible, I largely used it as thinking time or to read, and I was a "Monday to Friday" lodger, which was quite economical.

It was completely worth it and enabled us to buy a house.

I realise that this was pre-children in my case, but if I was in a position where I had a partner who was willing to take on all the work related to the kids during the week, I'd do it again to secure our future.

HollaHolla · 14/03/2019 14:42

I’m guessing that @Sol44 is referring to families where one parent is military. I grew up with my father in the military. We’re a close family.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/03/2019 14:44

I assumed by the bracketed 'London' that they were trying to imply some sort of jet setting high earners that don't exist in the provinces Wink

Sol44 · 14/03/2019 14:45

Of course you can be close as s family and have one adult working away 60% of the time. Many DHs leave before the kids are up and get home after they’re in bed anyway - they might as well be in Wales for all the kids see them. How many people these days are home by 6pm - I don’t know any? This is a 4 day week, so he can have long weekends. He’s not moving to Wales for 6 months.