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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When the NRP stops paying...

350 replies

ThePlaceToVent · 13/03/2019 23:39

Wtf do I do?

He’s paid £40 a week for 16 years.

He’s (rather unsuccessfully) self employed and his wife gave up her job (I think) due to ill health.

Our son who has ASD and MH issues close to go to college a way away and the train costs £110 a month which we (DH and I) can not afford to pay and DS dad agreed to pay half.

The last two months he hasn’t paid (first time in 16 yrs he has let me down) and when I sent a very polite message tonight asking when he would be able to pay I got a load of abuse calling me a cunt etc and that he knows if I go through the CMA I will get nothing.

WTF do I do - and I have a full time job so cannot take in ironing.

What do

OP posts:
cantbearsed1 · 15/03/2019 07:47

ThePlaceToVent Unless you have an unrealistically high mortgage or other debt, I am struggling to see how you are not a low-income family? Unless there are things you could cut back in? So do you have a gym membership you can cancel for example?
I know you shouldn't have to do this, but I would make sacrifices for this.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 07:47

And even if you did have one it doesn’t come with a blank cheque book for train travel Hmm

OP posts:
cantbearsed1 · 15/03/2019 07:56

No, of course, it does not. But there is help from charities. But you would have to have made cuts to your budget so that you were only paying the normal essentials to be eligible.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 07:56

No - We do not have gym membership nor any other expensive hobbies Hmm

OP posts:
cantbearsed1 · 15/03/2019 07:58

Then as I said I can not figure out how you are not a low-income family if you can not afford an extra £55 a month?

Myusernameismud · 15/03/2019 07:59

It may not come with a blank cheque book, but an EHCP comes with the option of a personal budget. So if the college is not receiving funding for your DS, you can apply for personal budget to spend on supporting him. And if the support he needs is being able to travel to that particular college, because it is the best fit for him, then you can spend it on that.
I also contribute to EHCPs a lot in my line of work. Which is why I'm happy to concede that my DS does need one now, where he hasn't before.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 08:01

You can bang on about an EHCP all day - my DS doesn’t need one.

And unless I attach a photograph of my ingoings and outgoings and where in the UK I live how on earth can anyone see what our financial situation is? Hmm

OP posts:
cantbearsed1 · 15/03/2019 08:01

We have a family income of £40k a year and could afford an extra £55 a month. It would annoy me that ex is not paying, but I would pay it.

Myusernameismud · 15/03/2019 08:07

I think what you wanted from this thread, was for everyone to agree that your ex is a dick and help you find ways to get him to continue paying. That's not going to happen. It's out of your control. But when people have come along with suggestions of how you can continue to facilitate your sons learning, you don't want to hear it.

ABC1234DEF · 15/03/2019 08:11

You can bang on about an EHCP all day - my DS doesn’t need one

Clearly he does if it's the only way that he can secure funding in order to continue his studies Hmm

pineapplebryanbrown · 15/03/2019 08:11

I agree with mud. Do you have any ideas how to raise £40 pw OP?

cantbearsed1 · 15/03/2019 08:11

I wish I could give you a way to get your ex to continue paying. But sadly there is no magic wand to make this happen.
There is instead either -

  • cutting back and paying the fare. If you are not on a low income as you say, you may be able to make £55 a month saving just from your shopping bills
  • earn more money e.g. take in a lodger if possible or get another job such as a shift in a pub one night a week
  • get your DS to put his earnings towards his train fare
  • investigate cheaper ways of getting there such as buses - trains tend to be the most expensive form of travel there is
  • or if none of that is possible, move your DS to somewhere nearer
TedAndLola · 15/03/2019 08:13

Yes, clearly the reasonable course of action is for OP to work a full time AND a part time job, invite a stranger to live with her and her children, and move her son to a different college, rather than his other parent find £55 a month.

Jesus Christ.

Berthatydfil · 15/03/2019 08:19

I appreciate every la and college are different but in my area one of the out of county colleges funds a train travel pass and another funds travel with a contribution (£50 I think) from parents, so it is possible his college May have a similar scheme. Given the time of the year and your sons needs it would be very difficult and detrimental for him to change courses /providers so it really is in his best interests to continue and they may well support that.
My la funds transport to the catchment or nearest 6th form provision that offers the course being taken by the student.
I know if several students who have been funded to travel to out of catchment / out of county schools or colleges, usually if the course or subject/s are very specialised and or aren’t on offer more locally eg a level geology
So it may be worth contacting your la to see what the post 16 specific travel scheme terms are if you say that this course is more specialised and not available locally.

cantbearsed1 · 15/03/2019 08:19

TedandLola, Of course, her ex should be paying as I have said lots of times. BUT she can not make him pay.

And lots of people have lodgers or work a full-time job plus one night a week to help them through difficult financial times. Not ideal, but needs must. And lots of young people can not go to college further away because of travel costs. None of that is unusual in my world. But then I have been a low-income family, mixing with other low-income families.
If there is not the money, you have to adapt. And OP keeps repeatedly saying she is not a low-income family. So I seriously doubt the choices she is making are whether to put the heating on in really cold days.
And if OP needs help to save money, she can post incomings and outgoings and she will get helpful suggestions.
No she should not have to do that, but unless her ex starts paying up, then yes she will have to.

reindeermania · 15/03/2019 08:25

Tedandlola- I dont think anyone is saying that it's reasonable that the ex dh has stopped paying. It's not fair. It's shitty of him and he's obviously not got ds interests as a priority. We all know that he should pay. But he's not. And the fact is he won't. No convincing and cajoling, abuse or threats can make him. The only recourse is the ineffectual van and op has stated that cma will assess and she will be worse of still.

What people are trying to do is find solutions and help to solve the ops problem. Not to absolve the ex of guilt or to say he's in the right- but rather to ty to offer immediate potential solutions that op can control and potentially implement without having to rely upon the ex who has proven himself unreliable.
However- Much as it's clear that the ex won't pay it's also clear that the op doesn't want help, but rather just wants to pour bile and spite upon anyone who tries.Hmm

cantbearsed1 · 15/03/2019 08:28

Agree reindeermania. I suspect strongly the OP can find the money and knows that, so is not interested in solutions, but just wants to vent. That is fine, but if it is the case she should be upfront about that.
Or it is a disguised begging thread.

Myusernameismud · 15/03/2019 08:29

TedandLola but can you not see that if her ex has paid maintenance every week for 16 years and is only now saying that he can't afford the extra 55 a month, that maybe he's not just being a prick and has fallen on hard times. If they were together still and he had lost his job through illness or for any other reason, OP would have to look at other ways of funding their DS transport to school until he was back on his feet. Surely the same logic applies here. He hasn't said he's never going to pay, just that he can't at the moment.

PoesyCherish · 15/03/2019 08:43

I dont think anyone is saying that it's reasonable that the ex dh has stopped paying.

I am and I fully agree with this:

but can you not see that if her ex has paid maintenance every week for 16 years and is only now saying that he can't afford the extra 55 a month, that maybe he's not just being a prick and has fallen on hard times. If they were together still and he had lost his job through illness or for any other reason, OP would have to look at other ways of funding their DS transport to school until he was back on his feet. Surely the same logic applies here. He hasn't said he's never going to pay, just that he can't at the moment.

TedAndLola · 15/03/2019 08:48

I don't agree with those of you painting the ex as a good father and reasonable man for three reasons. If he were a good father and reasonable man he would have:

  1. Warned the OP in advance that he was having financial trouble so she could plan.

  2. Not called her a cunt where she asked when he would be paying.

  3. Prioritised £55 for his child over another bill. Or perhaps HE should invite a stranger to live with him, get another job, or take in ironing to make up the shortfall.

OP had clearly contributed the vast, vast majority of financial and emotional support to her son over his life. Telling her that she should feel sorry for her ex, or be grateful for the pittance he's contributed, is an insult. As is telling her to get another job to make up for his father's neglect.

Myusernameismud · 15/03/2019 09:07

I'm not saying she should be grateful, but she needs to be realistic. OP cannot force him to pay, and going to CMS, in addition to being a lengthy process with no immediate benefit to OPs son, is probably going to backfire. I've been there, and it's soul destroying. Being told that your ex doesn't earn enough to pay any maintenance, when you know he can afford more than he's letting on because he doesn't declare all his income. I spent a long time being angry about it, and then had a moment of clarity where I realised it was out of my control and I would spend my life miserable if I kept being angry about it.

We are classed as a low income family, because we receive universal credit. Any money my ex gave us would be a real help. But he doesn't pay, and I can't make him, so DH and I do our best to ensure our children are not adversely affected by their biological fathers incompetence. It's not about letting him 'get away with it', it's about being realistic, managing our expectations and most importantly, managing our finances so that we can continue to support our children.

I'm not going to carry on torturing myself over money that we don't have. And in our case, my ex genuinely is a prick who has never paid maintenance and earns a lot through self employment.

CanILeavenowplease · 15/03/2019 09:11

So if he has Aspergers OP, he must have a statement or EHCP

Must?

Heard it all now.

cantbearsed1 · 15/03/2019 09:14

I don't feel at all sorry for the ex. You prioritise money for your child first. So yes he is unreasonable.
But many genuinely low-income families get no maintenance. Lots of people on this thread have said how it is almost impossible to get maintenance if the ex is self-employed.
So the only option then is to look at how you can make your income work.
I am also amazed at the sneering about working 1 night a week on top of a full-time job. I have worked in lots of lower paid jobs where at least one colleague was working 1 or 2 nights a week for extra money for their family. My DP takes on nearly all the overtime offered to him. Nobody wants to do this, but lots of people do.

AbeFroman · 15/03/2019 09:25

So is he still paying the £160 a month? Just not the extra £50?

Myusernameismud · 15/03/2019 09:31

Maybe not must, Icantbe but should. In my 12 years of working in education, the only ASD children who didn't have EHCPs in place are the ones whose parents either had them diagnosed privately, or were diagnosed via the NHS but their parents chose not to have an EHCP for them. I appreciate that may be exclusive to the LA that I worked in, but in general an NHS diagnosis of ASD lead to an EHCP for the children that I worked with. I was a 1:1 TA, and my job would not have existed were it not for EHCPs as there was no funding for children without one.