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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When the NRP stops paying...

350 replies

ThePlaceToVent · 13/03/2019 23:39

Wtf do I do?

He’s paid £40 a week for 16 years.

He’s (rather unsuccessfully) self employed and his wife gave up her job (I think) due to ill health.

Our son who has ASD and MH issues close to go to college a way away and the train costs £110 a month which we (DH and I) can not afford to pay and DS dad agreed to pay half.

The last two months he hasn’t paid (first time in 16 yrs he has let me down) and when I sent a very polite message tonight asking when he would be able to pay I got a load of abuse calling me a cunt etc and that he knows if I go through the CMA I will get nothing.

WTF do I do - and I have a full time job so cannot take in ironing.

What do

OP posts:
ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 14/03/2019 22:51

I know this is besides the point but can you get a young person's rail card for him, that should get you a discount and lower the costs for you a bit

JaneEyre07 · 14/03/2019 22:51

It was pretty risky to let your DS start this college if finances were already tight OP. Is there any chance he can find somewhere more local at the end of term? He's old enough to understand that you can't afford it on top of feeding and clothing him when Dad isn't contributing. I had to make sacrifices when my Mum just couldn't manage as yet again Dad wasn't giving her any money. It pissed me off but it didn't kill me.

And go through the CMS on principle. Your ex could be working just one night in a pub to earn £40 to support his child.... clearly he's choosing not to.

Houseonahill · 14/03/2019 22:54

Sorry has he stoped paying all together or stopped paying the train fare? If yes stopped paying all together I'm.not sure where all these people on this thread have £200 a month lying around waiting to meet unexpected bills?

I do think you are taking your anger out on the wrong people though although I understand why you are angry, people are just trying to help.

If your DH pays £600 a month that sounds like a lot. Is that directed by the CMS? If its not Would his ex be willing to take a £50 a month hit so you can get DS to college? I know she shouldn't have to but you can't make ex pay (unfortunately) and it's unfair your DS has to stop college because his dad's a twat bag.

Schuyler · 14/03/2019 22:55

He should be paying for his son but given he’s not, you’re either going to have to apply formally for maintenance or tighten your belts. I’m not sure what you want people to say. Yes, it’s shit and we (on here) don’t know if ex is trying hard to get the money or not but meanwhile your son needs to get to college and funds are tight for you,

Myusernameismud · 14/03/2019 23:00

You refused to answer whether your son has an EHCP/statement by saying it's not relevant. But it is relevant. If he has one, it's more likely that you'll get financial assistance. You say you're not a low income family, and your DH pays 600 to his ex. Is that a CMS calculation? And does that take into account your DS living with him? Because CM is reduced if there is another child living with the NRP so perhaps look into the fact that your husband may be paying too much. If it's a struggle, ask for a reassessment. I'm guessing it's not a struggle as your DH is on a good wage, hence why he pays so much.

You are angry with your ex for failing to pay for 2 months, but realistically there isn't much you can do about that. It's out of your control.
What is in your control is how you deal with the situation. Have a look at finances and see what can be reshuffled/reduced etc. Make a plan to enable your son to continue his education. Don't spend all your energy being angry at your ex, when you could be using it to move forward.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2019 23:01

If the son at college is 16 she yoir youngest, is there any wiggle room on how much you’re currently supporting your older two?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/03/2019 23:06

*is your

VimFuego101 · 14/03/2019 23:11

It is shitty, and the CMS are absolutely spineless. Self-employment seems to be routinely accepted as a way of dodging child support, and it seems that they do nothing except send letters to chase up outstanding amounts. But regardless of whether he's being unfair, I think it's worth asking the college if they have any funds that can help.

ShambolicUsername · 14/03/2019 23:14

I mean, considering how well you've handled the conversation in this thread so far it really is a wonder why you've not managed to reach an amicable solution with your ex on this...

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 23:18

It’s a college pass with YPRC discount.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 23:20

mean, considering how well you've handled the conversation in this thread so far it really is a wonder why you've not managed to reach an amicable solution with your ex on this

Yeah I react really well being told to be “grateful” to him and his wife.

OP posts:
MeteorGarden92 · 14/03/2019 23:34

Drop DS off at EXH’s house with £160 in an envelope and a ‘he’s yours for the month’ note!

Let Ex deal with his son and see what happens. I see so many women on here in similar situations to you OP and it sucks, but life SUCKS sometimes. When my little brother was diagnosed with a terrible illness my mother became his carer overnight and come Monday, they couldn’t afford my bus fare to college anymore!

Living in the absoloute middle of nowhere I had no chance of a PT job, ended up having to leave college and get a FT job to rent a flat in a local city. But there was no ‘other parent’ to point the finger at in that situation...so I just had to get on with it!

If you can’t fund DS’s train ticket- he can’t afford to go to that college anymore. End of, he needs to deal with it and move on!

MeteorGarden92 · 14/03/2019 23:38

I note that you mention DS has some ‘issues’ he is facing, but having had a sibling with truly dibilitating health who had to ‘get on with it’ at the local school, I can’t help but think you’re simply indulging DS by insisting he go to an out of area college that can no longer be afforded!

There’s often a huge disparity between what you want to provide for your child and what you can! Just because he doesn’t ‘want’ to move half way through doesn’t mean your ex is at fault for no longer being able to afford it!

Lots of kids are put in situations like this everyday

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 23:47

I note that you mention DS has some ‘issues’ he is facing, but having had a sibling with truly dibilitating health who had to ‘get on with it’ at the local school, I can’t help but think you’re simply indulging DS by insisting he go to an out of area college that can no longer be afforded

Are you on the right thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 23:58

If you can’t fund DS’s train ticket- he can’t afford to go to that college anymore. End of, he needs to deal with it and move on

With a child with Aspergers it’s a bit different.

OP posts:
Myusernameismud · 15/03/2019 07:07

So if he has Aspergers OP, he must have a statement or EHCP. Why are you dodging that question? It is relevant, because there is more assistance out there for SEND children and young people.

It's like you're being deliberately evasive, which doesn't help your case because nobody can give you the correct advice. You just seem to want to rage at your ex, which is understandable, but it's not going to help. He's not paying, that's it. So either accept that and work out a solution, or carry on with your anger, which will get you nowhere.

PoesyCherish · 15/03/2019 07:08

I actually think £40 pw for a single child is quite a lot considering ex also needs to provide a roof over his head. You only have to look at the outrage on the stepparenting board if a stepchild isn't provided their own bedroom.

You really need to take a step back. The truth is there is naff all you can do in terms of forcing him to pay money he doesn't have. You come across as bitter towards his wife despite you being separated for 16 years. Let it go. Focus on what you can do for your DS. Just because you don't want to cut back it doesn't mean you can't. If you choose not to well then that's on you just as much as it's on your ex.

Myusernameismud · 15/03/2019 07:12

Also, if money is really a struggle, sell some of your £10,000 worth of bling' OP

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 07:32

That was a joke actually - and very bad form to mention other posts on other threads.

No he does not have an EHCP because he doesn’t need one. Not sure why you seem to think every child with a diagnosis has an EHCP that’s not how it works.

And I don’t have a “case” this isn’t court it’s an Internet forum.

OP posts:
cantbearsed1 · 15/03/2019 07:35

I am left wondering OP if the issue here is that you are being financially abused by your DP?
It sounds like there should be enough money in the family as a whole to meet these costs.
Alternatively he will have to move.
You say it is not that simple with a 17 year old with aspergers. Of course it will be difficult for him. But the truth is his life will be full of changes, some he will like, some he won't.

angieloumc · 15/03/2019 07:38

I can't believe posters are suggesting OP should be grateful to her ex (and even more bizarrely his wife!). He is just as much a parent as OP. She doesn't get to not feed, clothe, put a roof over his head.
It's absolutely irrelevant how much her H earns, he's not the boys father and is clearly contributing already anyway.
As for people saying £600 a month for two children that her H pays is a lot imo it isn't. It's just that £160 is a pittance.
I don't think there is much you can do unfortunately OP, if he doesn't want to pay he's not going to pay. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

cantbearsed1 · 15/03/2019 07:40

I think her ex is an arse. Totally out of order.
But no one can make him pay, so she has to come up with an alternative plan. And yes in that alternative plan what her DH earns is very relevant. Because any DH worth his salt is not going to see a 17-year-old struggle just because - he is not my child. He is the child of the woman he loves.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 07:44

My DH and I have joint finances (which I have full access to) and we budget, we have no savings and we do not have disposable income.

OP posts:
Myusernameismud · 15/03/2019 07:44

A statement/EHCP is put in place if a child's special need or disability affects their access to education. And it sounds like in your case it does.

We have always had a strong suspicion that DS has ASD, but up until now he has functioned well in school and hasn't needed any extra support. However for the last year or so, he has been struggling and interventions haven't helped. So his teacher suggested perhaps now is the time for him to be assessed, so we can get an EHCP in place before he transitions to secondary school. And that's what we're doing, because the warm and comfy primary school environment that he's managed so well with will shortly be over, and he will have trouble with the secondary school transition. With an EHCP in place, DS will get the help he needs to manage a challenging environment and get the most he possibly can out of secondary school next September. It's not a label, or a failure of any kind. It's there to help him, and to enable school to support him in the best possible way.

And while it may be bad form to mention other posts, I struggle to have sympathy for someone who says 'I can't afford to pay for my ASD son to attend college' while also boasting about owning 10k worth of jewellery.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 07:46

Please don’t lecture me about EHCPs. I often contribute to them as part of my job.

It is very difficult get one and DS has never needed one.

OP posts: