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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Couples who do absolutely everything together

736 replies

evaperonspoodle · 13/03/2019 16:59

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

OP posts:

FaFoutis · 17/03/2019 12:37

It has affected me, I lost two friends because of it. Both because the husbands just turned up all the time.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/03/2019 12:39

"Actually it can absolutely affect other people. It’s a bit shortsighted if you can’t see how that could be."

I posted above that I completely accept that some coupled-up friends come as a package and no problem with that. I do object to those cohabiting couples who make single people move so that they can sit together. They eat together every day yet I'm not allowed to sit next to my friends on the weekend. If you arrive late, you sit wherever there is space.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/03/2019 12:41

" I lost two friends because of it. Both because the husbands just turned up all the time."

Were they not nice people or did you just choose not be become friends with them as well?
There's a saying at weddings isn't there 'not losing a son/daughter, but gaining s dil/sil'. When your friends couple up, it's better to see it as gaining another friend than losing the original friend.

Belenus · 17/03/2019 12:50

No one quite compares, in my opinion.

For me it isn't about comparison. I wouldn't expect one person to fulfil every need I have. So I have various groups of friends and I can discuss different things with different people. I don't compare my boyfriend with my other friends. They're different and all great in their own way.

some nastiness on this thread which reeks of jealousy

I'm at that irritating honeymoon stage of a new relationship where I have mentionitis permanently and have to issue friends with buckets before I even start talking about him. I'm about as far from jealous as I ever get.

It actually never impacts you, does it, but it seem such a sore subject for some.

The only times it has impacted me are when a close friend has got into a close relationship and cannot understand that I don't want to share all my confidences with her new partner. I don't know him, he's new to me, I don't feel the same way about him as I do about her. But it's as if she's so firmly wedded to being a unit with him, she cannot see that I want contact with her as an individual, not the two of them together. Then it is a problem and you lose friends.

Belenus · 17/03/2019 12:54

Were they not nice people or did you just choose not be become friends with them as well?

It takes time to become friends with someone. If I've known someone for 15-20 years, I'm not going to feel as close to their partner who I've met a few times over the course of 6 months. I'm probably never going to achieve that kind of friendship with them, although I may in time become close. So I'm happy to hang out with them as a couple, but I also want to know that if I'm talking to the friend, I'm talking to her and her alone.

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/03/2019 12:58

It's funny, if people are that bothered about it, they must have good reasons.

Well that could be said of both sides of the debate couldn’t it?

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2019 13:00

I am not sure why some people are so worked up and desperately trying to show how bad and unhealthy a close relationship is

I know you're trying to make yourself feel better.but that's clearly not what is being said, you are confusing physical proximity and reliance with emoti9nal closeness.

What's being said is to be so reliance on a partner that you cannot function socially independently, have no independent friends, is not healthy,

Being emotional close, loving someone, being a unit, does not mean you need eskew all other independent relationships or activities.

Sakura7 · 17/03/2019 13:10

read the thread.... I never said YOU did, someone wrote it though

Disorganised - I'm quite sure you're twisting their words, as you have done with numerous posters on this thread. Nobody would seriously think that couples should never holiday together, or that doing so is pathetic. The point being made is that if one partner also wants to holiday with friends from time to time, that's ok.

FaFoutis · 17/03/2019 13:32

*" I lost two friends because of it. Both because the husbands just turned up all the time."

I would not have chosen to be friends with the men, although they were not completely awful. I found the fact that the husbands always turned up awkward, uncomfortable and rude.

FaFoutis · 17/03/2019 13:34

I agree with Bluntness.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/03/2019 13:34

" If I've known someone for 15-20 years, I'm not going to feel as close to their partner who I've met a few times over the course of 6 months."

Well, most people live for more than 20 years. A school friend of mine has been with her DH for 20 years, longer than had known her when I first met her.

"I'm probably never going to achieve that kind of friendship with them, although I may in time become close."

Not necessarily. In at least one of the couples I know, I'd choose the 'new' partner as a friend if they broke up and it wasn't possible to keep being friends with both.

userxx · 17/03/2019 13:38

@Bluntness100 Absolutely agree.

thedisorganisedmum · 17/03/2019 13:41

I know you're trying to make yourself feel better.

hahaha, no I am good *Bluntness100, thanks!

I do appreciate the fact that people want to be on this thread to mock couples who do absolutely everything together, and do not appreciate hearing another opinion on the subject.

I'm quite sure you're twisting their words, as you have done with numerous posters on this thread.
maybe read the actual thread and the actual posts I was replying to? I usually quote them, so it's pretty clear I am not twisting anything.

It's say a lot about haters that you have to make things so personal and hateful.

Sakura7 · 17/03/2019 13:48

I'm not a hater Disorganised (that really is quite a leap) but I have followed the thread since it was posted and I don't recall anyone saying it's needy or pathetic to go on holidays with your DH. I'd appreciate if you'd point out that post for me. If I'm wrong I'll hold my hands up.

BobIsNotYourUncle · 17/03/2019 13:54

No one quite compares, in my opinion.

I really hope he doesn’t fall off this pedal stool you’ve put him on.

No one should compare to your DH, no one compares to mine because (quite rightly) I don’t have the same relationship with anyone else as I do with him. But I still have and need to have friends because they are a wonderful part of my life. Just another part of it.

MiniEggAddiction · 17/03/2019 13:58

bluntness your posts in particular one across as both very bitter and also lacking in understanding about people's personalities. Some people, especially but not always introverts do prefer the company of one other person. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. Don't try to belittle people who are different from you. Bringing your partner on a girls night out is different and unreasonable. Either don't go or leave him at home. But spending most of your time and wanting to concentrate on mainly your partner is fine if it suits you.

BatmansBoxers · 17/03/2019 14:00

Who gets to define what's over dependency? I think groups of female friends who need girls only chats are needy as fuck. I wouldn't usually say it because it doesn't affect me, but as people are being open about their judgements.

JacquesHammer · 17/03/2019 14:09

From the couples I know the “we do everything together” couples feel they’re somehow proving they’re doing marriage properly because they spend all their time together.

They tend to feel superior IMO.

AriadneCrete · 17/03/2019 14:13

@BatmansBoxers sometimes it’s not about needing “girly chats” although there’s nothing wrong with a girly chat. My friends from school are all girls. Someone who’s been around 6months- 2/3 years just isn’t going to have that closeness of 15+ years of friendship. There’s nothing wrong with most of my friends’ boyfriends- I happy socialise with them. But can’t you understand it’s nice to see the original friend/friends without the partner occasionally? Thankfully only one of my friends doesn’t seem to understand it and it isn’t a problem with anyone else. Because I do think it’s weird to bring your partner along to absolutely everything.

Sakura7 · 17/03/2019 14:20

MiniEgg - I don't Bluntness or anyone else is saying there's anything wrong with prefering your partner's company or wanting to spend the majority of your time with them.

What people are picking up on are the extremes like:

Not being able to watch a TV show alone and preferring to watch whatever DH likes (even if you don't) just so you can be beside him.

Accepting a friend's invitation for coffee as long as DH can come, but pulling out if he can't.

Feeling upset to be at a meal with a group of mutual friends and not be sitting next to DH.

Telling people that if they choose to go on a holiday with anyone other than DH, they have an unhappy relationship.

It's also annoying when comments that are advocating a healthy balance are twisted into meaning something different, e.g. "I don't think it's healthy to spend every waking minute in DH's company" gets a response like "It's not weird to want to spend most of my time with DH." Nobody said it was!

BitchQueen90 · 17/03/2019 14:22

It's not about "girls only" chats. I have a male friend who I have known since school, he has a lovely partner of 2 years but sometimes I like to do things alone with my friend without his partner there. I like his partner but we don't have the same bond.

Luckily none of my friends are the type that need to do everything with their partner.

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2019 14:25

I think groups of female friends who need girls only chats are needy as fuck

I don't think it's about "need" it's about "want" spending quality fun time with people who are you're friends. I mean this gently but have you never had personal friends? Is this why you don't understand it?

And Sakura, yes, it's the extremes, not wishing to be with anyone else, no independent friendship circle and having to take a partner wherever you go, having to go thr the Petrol station together, or actually into the gps office, not able to watch a tv program alone. Clearly it's not under question to spend the majority of time with a spouse, I'd argue most do, it's the refusing to spend any time without them at all, other than enforced work situations.

BatmansBoxers · 17/03/2019 14:44

Bluntness100 I have had them and I have a couple of personal friends but I just don't enjoy most friendships. If anyone here does MBTI, my type is INTJ, which is fairly unusual and I think this is why I don't connect with people the way some do. I have connected with people maybe four or five times in my life, and my husband is one of those. If I'm going to spend time with someone I prefer it to be him.

Bookworm4 · 17/03/2019 14:58

I think for @batman to call anyone 'needy' is hilarious; this from someone who cannot bear to even sit at table without her DH glued to her 🙄
I can guarantee no man ever talks about his DW like this, they're more likely to be laughed at for their clingy little wifey.
There's no jealousy on this thread more disbelief at the women so determined to prove how much they LOVE their DH, it's going to be a big shock if it ends in divorce.

thedisorganisedmum · 17/03/2019 15:12

I can guarantee no man ever talks about his DW like this, they're more likely to be laughed at for their clingy little wifey.
it's going to be a big shock if it ends in divorce.

and another gem

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