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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Couples who do absolutely everything together

736 replies

evaperonspoodle · 13/03/2019 16:59

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

OP posts:

Quintella · 16/03/2019 13:19

A couple who never spend any at home leisure time together is depressing. But watching a TV show alone is no different to listening to the radio or a podcast by yourself, or sitting in another room reading because the noise from the TV is distracting. I can't see that there's anything particularly bonding about watching a TV show on something which you know you have zero interest in.

TheNavigator · 16/03/2019 13:32

I think there are 2 different issues - whether it is a form of control or a choice. My DM's husband is controlling and if she goes anywhere without him, will constantly phone and text her - to the extent I go 'it is your stalker again' every time her phone goes when we are out. It is a form of abusive control and designed to limit her contact with anyone but him.

By contrast, my sister & her DH work together and do most things together, but that is obviously through choice, not control. Plus my sister can lack confidence going to new places/travelling so appreciates the support. It seems pretty positive to me.

DH & I are both well matched as independent types who like to do our own thing - very different from my sister's marriage, but not better or worse. We are very different people.

So for me if it only an issue of there is an element of control from one of the parties, otherwise, each to their own.

Ribbonsonabox · 16/03/2019 14:46

We are pretty much joined at the hip and have the same tastes... theres not really anything that one of us would want to watch on TV or listen to on the radio without the other (unless the other was away or working) We really do have extremely similar tastes and priorities.
But I dont even have a mobile phone because I hate that level of contact from anyone so if one of us went out wed not be texting each other! And on the odd occasion we have gone out separately because of childcare issues. Or my husbands had a work night out.
I once went on holiday with my son and my friend and her son when our sons were toddlers and I spoke to my husband twice during the entire week!
But doing stuff without him is not something I'd ideally choose.... I'd prefer to do everything with him and luckily he feels the same. I dont think its controlling because we are on the same page about it.

HarrysOwl · 16/03/2019 15:42

We really do have extremely similar tastes and priorities

Maybe it's about this. The more similar your hobbies/tastes/priorities then the more likely you are to spend more time together.

Couples can have very little in common but have a great relationship, but I'd expect them to spend more time apart doing their own thing.

DH & I have lots in common, but he wouldn't dream of coming with me to see my friends and if he was away for a weekend there'd be no need for contact so I guess we're not joined at the hip.

user1497997754 · 16/03/2019 15:46

My hubby is my best friend we love doing everything together ....we get on so well and have the best fun ....I prefer his company to anyone else I know and he feels the same.....so what's wrong with hanging out together all the time.....nothing x.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2019 16:41

Do you literally have no one else you like to spend e to spend time with?

It's quite normal to spend time with many different people. It's less normal to say he is my fave so I will do everything with him. And nothing alone with anyone else..l.

Sakura7 · 16/03/2019 18:18

Yeah I understand your DH being your favourite person and wanting to spend lots of time with him, but I don't get why that has to be at the expense of everyone else in your life. I mean you live together and see each other all the time, but wouldn't choose to spend a couple of hours with a friend if he wasn't invited. I don't get it.

These are obviously the kind of people who abandon their friendships once they couple up, which is very sad. And then come running back, tail between their legs, when there's a break up. Only to dump their friends again when they get into a new relationship.

I'm not talking about people on this thread who enjoy spending the majority of their time with their OH, but the ones who exclusively spend time with them and would never dream of taking part in any activity or meeting up with people without them. That's just not healthy IMO. There needs to be a balance.

osvic · 16/03/2019 18:24

We have a couple at work who are in the same shift, work the same area so basically work, live and go everywhere together. Couldn't think of anything worse.

HarrysOwl · 16/03/2019 18:25

It's quite normal to spend time with many different people

Extrovert-types might agree, but as an introvert I'm happier with my small circle.

More isn't necessarily better.

Sakura7 · 16/03/2019 18:37

I'm an introvert but still don't want to live in my DP's pocket. Most introverts need a bit of alone time and wouldn't fare well spending every waking minute around another person.

BatmansBoxers · 16/03/2019 18:39

I mean you live together and see each other all the time, but wouldn't choose to spend a couple of hours with a friend if he wasn't invited. I don't get it.

Because I'd just be thinking "I wish I was with DH".

HarrysOwl · 16/03/2019 18:46

Most introverts need a bit of alone time and wouldn't fare well spending every waking minute around another person

I had to learn the art of not going mad being together quite literally 24/7 when we travelled

Butteredghost · 16/03/2019 18:50

Because I'd just be thinking "I wish I was with DH".

This is the weirdest, least understandable to me thing I've ever read on here!

I think it's safe to say that there are two types of people here, and the two groups will never understand each other.

Its all good though, if you and DP are on the same page that's all that matters.

Although the thing I wonder is, what would the DP say if asked. I often hear or read women saying things like pp said

My hubby is my best friend we love doing everything together ....we get on so well and have the best fun ....I prefer his company to anyone else I know

I never hear men saying that. Do you think right now your DP is on a men's forum writing about how he'd never leave his wife for an hour as he'd just miss her so much?Would never happen!

sugartitz · 16/03/2019 19:29

Neither of us have any sort of social life if I'm honest (not connected to the fact, just skint, young kids, work and living away from family and friends) but pretty much other than when he's at work we are always together. We do the school runs together if he's not at work and pop to the supermarket together etc. We enjoy each other's company, which I think is nice after 17 years together!

BatmansBoxers · 16/03/2019 19:31

ButteredGhost what's weird about that? You're right saying both groups just won't understand each other. My husband does also call me his best friend though.

Sakura7 · 16/03/2019 20:03

what's weird about that?

That level of codependency is not healthy. Also, calling someone your best friend doesn't mean you can't spend an hour away from them.

Butteredghost I wonder the same thing about the DPs.

Butteredghost · 16/03/2019 20:04

It's weird to me, as I can't imagine ever thinking that. I love DP but I so enjoy my friends as well, and my alone time. I can't imagine "missing him" after an hour away with friends. I really never knew people thought that way.

Not weird as in bad though. Each to their own

BatmansBoxers · 16/03/2019 20:05

It's not codependant. I'm perfectly capable of doing things alone. I just strongly prefer DH being there.

Butteredghost · 16/03/2019 20:09

And Sakura7 has a good point about the 'best friend' thing. People keep saying "he's my best friend" as if that explains it all, but it doesnt. Most best friends see each week or each month, some have best friends they see a few times a year, or who live overseas and hardly ever see. I'd be a weird stalker if I had a platonic best friend who I never spent one hour without.

BertrandRussell · 16/03/2019 20:15

This is making me think- I don’t think Dp is my best friend. I love him and like him immensely and l love the life we’ve made together and I love doing things with him, and he’s currently away for two weeks and I will miss him and we do text a lot. But I don’t think he’s my best friend. My best friend is that!

PreseaCombatir · 16/03/2019 20:38

It would drive me mad to be with my DP 24/7.
It would drive me mad to be with anyone 24/7.
DP hates being on his own, he will have to go and see someone, whereas I relish it.
I bet this plays a part too.
I have never been depressed while watching an hours worth of GoT without DP.
Too engrossed to notice who’s there with me

Teateaandmoretea · 16/03/2019 20:59

DH is definitely my best friend, I do stuff without him/ like my space/ read while he watches telly downstairs but no one else comes close.

MRex · 16/03/2019 21:37

A few hours apart - I think most of us like that, it's unusual not to.

@Quintella - I think it's just that your TV interests are different. DH and I talk about films and TV shows that we watch. At least 90% saved to watch are a "sharing" one where we know we both want to see it so we watch it together. We probably watch 1-3 hours each night because we have a baby and only on demand, so that's a lot of time where we might just be relaxing half mindlessly but the chat about it makes it social. We just happen to like most of the same things and have specific things where we diverge. PIL watch none of the same stuff except the news, so they can't share a TV. My parents share but also have some different sleep/ TV time patterns so they get to watch their own TV programmes too. Every couple finds what works for them, it's nothing to do with how good their relationship is but just where there's common ground.

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2019 06:28

Because I'd just be thinking "I wish I was with DH".

Can I ask , how old are you and how long have you been with your husband? And do you work? Do you now nothave any friends independently?

The lack of independence implied in your statement is quite odd. To be Af such a. Level of dependency you can't spend time away from someone for a couple of hours socialising.

Is he the same, that neither of you can go out alone without the other?

Belenus · 17/03/2019 07:03

Because I'd just be thinking "I wish I was with DH".

I like missing a partner. It makes it better when you do meet back up with them. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

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