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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Couples who do absolutely everything together

736 replies

evaperonspoodle · 13/03/2019 16:59

Not so much an AIBU as obviously it is up to them but I must admit I'm slightly miffed by this. I know a few couples like this, one for example that go to the GP together (and he will go in with her) for non emergency appointments, she will go to put petrol in the car and he will pop along for the ride etc.

A couple (parents) in my ds' class appear to be joined at the hip. They do pick ups together, there was a class meeting recently where due to space it was requested that only 1 parent attend and of course they both came. DS had a playdate at their house and both came to the door to meet me. I reciprocated recently and both came to my door to collect their ds.

A friend got married abroad, did a 'girls' day at her house to show the video and one woman brought her partner because it would be 'more fun'.

Again, this is light hearted and I don't think there are any social anxiety/ASD/DV issues going on, the women concerned just seem to want to be with their partners all the time.

OP posts:
Orangecookie · 13/03/2019 17:27

I would worry about whether there is an issue there. Even a low level one. Being joined at the hip is way too intense and unhealthy for me. Since I’ve been more aware of controlling of unhealthy relationships I do have less ‘each to their own’ attitude. Even though I’m sure many people are fine, it’s just... too dependent.

I think we as human beings get more out of being challenged by others, being able to tolerate others.

pineapplebryanbrown · 13/03/2019 17:27

My sister is like this with her husband. I was really happy for her when she met him but then realised i had basically lost her. It eventually got better but after a few years of both me and her friends begging her to stop bringing him on girls nights out.

SurgeHopper · 13/03/2019 17:28

I'd find it all a bit controlling and suffocating tbh

ScreamingValenta · 13/03/2019 17:29

I think the only issues are:

  1. It might alienate other friends who don't want the spouse changing the dynamic of outings.
  2. If something happened to the spouse or they split up, it might be difficult to get used to having to act independently.
thedisorganisedmum · 13/03/2019 17:29

BitchQueen90
Not really, no.

Pancakeflipper · 13/03/2019 17:30

@HarrysOwl ... i said if hes going im not and would change restaurant booking, sell him my spa place/theatre ticket etc..
I did wonder if I was being unreasonable for a few dsys then decided nah...

FaFoutis · 13/03/2019 17:32

YANBU
I can't fully respect people who behave like this.

CarolDanvers · 13/03/2019 17:32

My parents are like this. It used to be quite frustrating at times as they'd never want to do anything apart but then wouldn't do anything the other wasn't interested in either. Mainly what the two of them like is walking round looking at shops...and that's it. You'd never get my Mum out for lunch or an afternoon tea or even a coffee alone. Everything had to be routine as well, so they'd arrive at a certain time, we'd walk to my local high street, we'd look at the same shops in the same order, we'd have something to eat at the same place we always did then we'd walk home and they'd leave at the same time as they always did. It's not an issue anymore as we are NC now but I didn't used to be irritated at times.

amusedbush · 13/03/2019 17:32

One of my colleagues can't seem to do anything with her husband - he even works upstairs (they didn't meet here!). They spend every lunchtime together snogging publicly... boke and he comes down every hour or so to get a piece of fruit from her Confused

DH and I have a lot of separate interests but I am more independent than he is. I'm actually a little annoyed because I've had a solo theatre trip to London booked for months now and I've been really looking forward to a weekend in a hotel, chilling out and mooching around at my own pace. Last night he made noises about coming down to join me on the Sunday and got really upset when I looked (fleetingly!) disappointed. I love the bones of him but I can't put up with ANYONE 24/7.

Billben · 13/03/2019 17:33

My in laws are like this. If they are visiting, my FIL likes to wonder around our garden. If he’s taking longer than 10 minutes, my MIL starts asking why he’s taking so long, and then goes and finds him. I find it utterly suffocating. All their children have the feeling that once one of their parents dies, the other one will go soon after.

BitchQueen90 · 13/03/2019 17:33

thedisorganisedmum see I find that a bit odd. I'm single so I realise I might be biased but I think it's really important to keep strong relationships outside of the one with your partner and I don't really think you can do that if you don't do anything without them. If my friends always brought their partners along I'd stop spending time with them to be honest.

OwlBeThere · 13/03/2019 17:34

I also completely understand that anything said in confidence to a friend can be repeated to her DH. It's kind of normal

I would never repeat a confidence to my DH unless explicitly told I could/it affected him in some way. Holy sheep!!

CarolDanvers · 13/03/2019 17:34

did used to be irritated at times, not didn't

YeahNah1980 · 13/03/2019 17:34

Yeah it’s annoying and unnecessary and I agree it completely changes the dynamic of some events. Also doesn’t the husband have his own friends??

cookiescookiesfoxies · 13/03/2019 17:35

My parents are like this and it drives me mad.

I've never get any one to one time with either of them. Even as a child, we had to do everything as a family.

It's only happened once, my Dad allowed me to pop to the local town with him one Saturday afternoon and I loved it so much. We went to Superdrug and he got me foundation and a blue mascara. Grin

I think it changes the dynamic and it's nice to spend time one to one sometimes.

livinglongerwithcalgon · 13/03/2019 17:36

I understand it can be annoying if it means you can’t organise anything without the partner or they ‘ignore’ the set up, eg a night in for all female friends but one brings their DH, or like someone above said one parent per appointment but both show,. I don’t have friends like this but I can understand why that would be frustrating, because you never know by inviting said friend whether they’re automatically adding their DH into the invite.

On the other hand being very close, spending a lot of time together just sounds like a relationship where they enjoy each other’s company. DH and I are like this, I’m not trying to be flippant here but genuinely this is part of why we are married! We get on very well, we make each other laugh and share stories or news and such that interests both of us, so time spent together is enjoyable. But we can both happily spend time without each other to see other friends or relatives, and we do, and we don’t work together so we’re apart for the working day.

On the school run point, DH and I occasionally do this together. This will be because I have a day off, and DH stays at home, so we’ll drop off together and then go out for the day. It’s great! Time off when it’s not super busy everywhere and the DCs are occupied Grin

undomesticgodde55 · 13/03/2019 17:36

I don't have a problem with this. My partner and I do everyday stuff together if we're both available, if I have a doctors appointment and he's about he will come with me etc. It's not a weird thing, he's my best mate as well as my partner and with our work schedules we can be passing ships in the night with my shift pattern. We can go over 4 days with just a quick hello as he comes in from work as I'm leaving for a night shift. It's just a bit of company as one of us is waiting around doing nothing in a waiting room.

I'm also a very independent person who can and does go to a restaurant on my own for a meal if I'm bored or away from home - so definitely not anxious or reliant on my partner.

thedisorganisedmum · 13/03/2019 17:38

BitchQueen90

I much prefer staying with DH, and we see friends as couples - they come for diner, to stay at weekend and invite us others. We have a normal social life, I just don't feel the need (or have the time) for "girls night out" any more.

Pre kids we have travelled together quite a lot, we really enjoy each other company. I am not sure what's wrong with that. We still have friends, but we don't have to separate to see them!

Original poster
evaperonspoodle · 13/03/2019 17:38

undomestic would he actually go into the examination room with you or just sit in the car waiting?

OP posts:
HarrysOwl · 13/03/2019 17:38

@Pancakeflipper I think you wanted to see your friend, not see her +1 so I understand that.

I only asked as I met a friend in Liverpool and as it was a trek I stayed overnight, DH said he wanted to look around some museums/galleries and wanted to come too.

But apart from travelling up & back home together I didn't see him, he did his own thing while I spent time with my friend. Was worried for a moment that was unreasonable!

Jinglejanglefish · 13/03/2019 17:40

OP do neither of that couples from your DS school have jobs? That’s the bit I would find weirdest, how can they both do pick up everyday?

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/03/2019 17:41

I also completely understand that anything said in confidence to a friend can be repeated to her DH. It's kind of normal

I think this is awful. I certainly wouldn’t be telling you anything confidential if it gets passed on to your DH. You’re a lousy friend if you do this.

Lovemusic33 · 13/03/2019 17:42

I had a partner that wanted to go everywhere with me (shopping, school run, the garage, the bath), at first I thought he must really love me but it was actually a control thing and he turned out to be a right tosser.

I don’t think I could cope with anyone hanging around me like that again, I’m pretty independent and I enjoy doing things by myself, things like shopping are much easier alone.

IWantChocolates · 13/03/2019 17:42

My DH and I go to each other's GP appointments. He has anxiety and depression and the GP likes to get my view on how his medication is working. DH also doesn't like to be alone so we will often do things together, plus he works from home and I'm on maternity so we're usually together. However, he's aware how needy he is and we're working on it. I managed to get out for coffee with friends on my own this morning Smile

You can't always know someone's situation.

Original poster
evaperonspoodle · 13/03/2019 17:42

OP do neither of that couples from your DS school have jobs? That’s the bit I would find weirdest, how can they both do pick up everyday?

Dad WFH and mum is a SAHP.

OP posts:
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