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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... To think he is not 'delighted?'

131 replies

Plurabelle · 13/03/2019 10:59

I'm a writer though not as successful a one as I'd like to be. Some long term projects I'd put a lot of work over the last few years into failed at the last hurdle. But now and then bits and pieces get published. I make very little money from writing, so my income comes from other writing-related sources plus other casual work.

My husband always says the he is very supportive. Admittedly he has been very good about the fact that my interest in writing has meant that the paid work I do isn't well-paid, so I've not made a huge contribution to the family finances. However, I've supported him in his lucrative career and also done the vast majority of housework and childcare.

Anyway, I recently found out by chance that one of my writing successes - a programme that I scripted and presented nearly 8 years ago - has been dug out of the archives and broadcast again.

I told my husband - mentioning that I'd find out if this meant a repeat fee. I also shared the news on social media as I felt some of my more recent friends would be interested.

My husband though he said he was pleased, didn't really respond. For example didn't ask me exactly when the repeat was so he could chase it up on iPlayer, and mention this to friends or relatives. We were out in a group when I heard about the repeat, and he didn't mention this to other people in the group. He didn't say he wanted to see it, himself. (When the first broadcast occurred at a time, he had completely forgot about the date then and I had to remind him.) He is now retired, so pressure of work etc, isn't a factor - though he is quite busy with hobbies. I do show interest in his pursuits - even the ones I find a bit tedious - and ask him questions about them.

A number of friends have been in touch to say they enjoyed the broadcast - some of them heard it for the first time. However, I've found my husband's lack of response over the last two days a bit deflating and mentioned this to him this morning.

He said, no - on the contrary - he was 'delighted.'

Is this what a 'delighted' husband is like, do you think?

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 13/03/2019 11:03

I would have discussed how I felt when he said he was 'delighted' and how you didn't feel he was.

YANBU

TheInvestigator · 13/03/2019 11:05

Maybe he just doesn't like 2nd hand bragging. It's something great for you, and he's pleased for you, but he doesn't feel the need to go telling other people as if it was his own success?

Some people just don't like doing that, but you know him best so you'd need to judge that yourself.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/03/2019 11:10

You've put it on your SM; did you actually ask him to drum up viewers for you? I'd actually find it terribly difficult. I dont publicise my DS series of (niche) programmes.

HilaryBriss · 13/03/2019 11:11

We were out in a group when I heard about the repeat, and he didn't mention this to other people in the group. He didn't say he wanted to see it, himself

Why didn't you mention it to the other people in the group? And tbh, if I had already seen it before then I probably wouldn't want to see it again either.

PBo83 · 13/03/2019 11:11

We were out in a group when I heard about the repeat, and he didn't mention this to other people in the group.

If this were my wife then I wouldn't have wanted to jump in and announce your good news before you had a chance to talk about it. I suspect he was waiting for your to bring it up.

Cuttingthegrass · 13/03/2019 11:12

Well he’s pleased for you because it makes you happy. But it was 8 years ago. Hopefully some more opportunities will come along now on the back of this?

It’s a massive achievement for you. And you must be delighted that’s your hard work has come to fruition. But it won’t be as exciting for him I imagine

recrudescence · 13/03/2019 11:15

Did he respond positively the first time round? I don’t think I’d feel obliged to watch or get excited about a repeat.

Original poster
Plurabelle · 13/03/2019 11:16

I think I would have liked it if he mentioned it to people he'd just seen in the ordinary social way of things - mutual friends, my stepchildren. Or people on his side of the family, who know me.

Or if he'd made a minute or two to talk about the programme, even if he didn't want to have it on a second time. Maybe to ask me something about the experience of making it - what I remembered about that time.

He just seems rather disengaged. So it is hard for me to talk much to him about something which is an important part of my life. And, I suppose because of the disappointments and rejections which are (nearly) always part of this kind of endeavour, it is particularly nice when the people who are meant to be closest to you show encouragement and support. It can give a much needed boost.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plurabelle · 13/03/2019 11:18

Oh and the people in the group were all newer friends. Who wouldn't have seen it first time round.

I mean it's okay. I'll live with it. But I just feel a bit un-partnered at present. It's good when partners show pride in what you do, though I agree they don't have to go to the other extreme and shout it from the rooftops.

OP posts:
recrudescence · 13/03/2019 11:19

Your update suggests there is rather more going on than his reaction to this one event.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/03/2019 11:20

I havea friend who alwasy needs to be 'showcased' whilst she pretends to hang back, with a shy little smile. She's very wearying.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/03/2019 11:21

We were out in a group when I heard about the repeat, and he didn't mention this to other people in the group.

How did you hear about it ?
How did you comminicate it to him?
And why is it up to him to dictate the conversation about you?

Original poster
Plurabelle · 13/03/2019 11:23

Did he respond positively the first time round?

The first time round we were on holiday in Wales and had no ipads/access to catch up etc. I reminded him a day or so beforehand when the broadcast was and that I'd like to stay and watch it before going out.

By the day itself he had completely forgotten and said to me, 'Right what are we going to do? What expedition shall we go on?'

So I suppose there is a bit of history about that one. And some other related issues.

As if the relationship has been about me doing a lot of remembering about him and the children, while he focused on work and his own priorities.

OP posts:
boringlyboring · 13/03/2019 11:23

It sounds like you do want him to shout it from the rooftops though?

BreakfastAtLitanies · 13/03/2019 11:26

I actually think you're being really unreasonable and a bit silly.

Honestly, he probably isn't into it, it's your 'thing' not his, he's probably up for giving it a watch to support you but it wouldn't even occur to me that my partner might make a big deal of this. On top of that, it's not even a new thing you've done, so he's probably not as excited because it's not 'new' content.

Think you need to chill out and move on, in the nicest, tough-love way possible Smile

downcasteyes · 13/03/2019 11:28

I get where you are coming from. Writing is incredibly personal, particularly when you're getting knocked back. It's easy to take faint praise as criticism, because praise is often not very forthcoming in this business. For long stretches, you have to do a really onerous amount of work to ground your sense of self worth, and self belief, without external validation. It. Is. Really. Hard.

However, I do think that it is very, very hard for other people to see how much that praise means (and how scant it can be at bad times). People who are not writers, like your husband, don't necessarily understand the isolation of the work and the abyss of self doubt that it can involve. It's not that they mean to be unsupportive, it's that they don't understand how valuable, how necessary their support is.

So I don't think you're unreasonable at all (or unusual) in desiring support from your husband. And I don't think he is all that unusual in not understanding quite what this means to you. Hopefully you can find a way of explaining it, gently and without accusing him of not caring, and he will be more forthcoming in future.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 13/03/2019 11:29

Tell him how you want him to react?

I have a writer in the family. We are all immensely proud and find time to listen to interviews etc. I don’t bring it up in conversation or brag about it. I am honestly delighted by it all.

How is your happiness pivoting on this level of recognition?

TitusP · 13/03/2019 11:30

I actually think you aren't giving him much credit for the support he has given you.

Like you my DH is a writer with some limited success and a not great paying job. His writing is 100% not my thing, I don't ever read it but I support him in his endeavours in other ways, I pay the vast majority of bills, work long hours to support us and give him space to write. He is hugely appreciative of the way I support him and understands that I show my support in the best way I can. I think you should be more appreciative of your husband too.

cheeseypuff · 13/03/2019 11:31

You sound a bit needy & insecure to be honest, like you need the validation from your husband/ friends to prove you are actually successful. Surely the fact that it's been broadcast once before shows you this?

toddman70 · 13/03/2019 11:32

Congrats on the repeat. How long has your husband been retired? In general, a lot of men find meaning and purpose in their work, now that's gone. Could he be struggling with his identity in the relationship a little, and your good news is another curve ball for him to adjust to.

itwaseverthus · 13/03/2019 11:32

I tend to agree with what Breakfast said. It seems you are looking for some kind of validation from your dh about your work and it's worthiness? You need to find that from yourself I think.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/03/2019 11:33

Sounds a bit like he wanted you to claim and bask in your own success.

Spouses piggybacking on individual successes (especially on social media) always make me think 'there's someone who wants to make everything about themselves'. It's a tricky line to negotiate, especially in public.

It is possible for him to feel pleased for you, without focusing on the details, like scheduling.

Or he may not be all that interested, in the work, or your feelings about it. I don't know!

Springisallaround · 13/03/2019 11:36

I don't usually go boasting about my husband's successes, and he doesn't about mine- we are individually happy and delighted at home, may open a bottle of bubbly and are generally supportive, but I wouldn't go beyond that or expect him to, to be honest.

Be proud yourself.

It does sound like you are a bit disconnected, try saying you'd have appreciated a bit more interest in the programme.

MsTiggywinkletoyou · 13/03/2019 11:36

It sounds like you have been bearing "the mental load" all these years, and DH isn't reciprocating now he has retired. YANBU
www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Original poster
Plurabelle · 13/03/2019 11:36

Wave to downcasteyes.

I think for me it's a bit like the way other women want a partner to be more proactive with housework, childcare etc. Sometime we say, 'This is something important. I'd like you to feel involved in this.' But it's a bit wearying to have to keep saying it.

I think I'm a bit aware because of another writing-related event I'm involved with. Somebody high-profile is chairing it and it's been advertised. Tickets are on sale and because of the high-profile chair, who is likely to be a good speaker/entertaining, the event may sell out. I've told my husband and put it in the diary - and have mentioned the event once or twice when other people have come round and asked me about writing and said that I reckon it may be popular. But he's made no effort to book a ticket and I suspect it'll be too late if he does decide he wants to pitch up. I don't want to instruct him to come. I don't need him there. However, I'd like it if he felt it was something he wanted to do -rather than just being rather detached about it all

OP posts: