... To think he is not 'delighted?'

[Plurabelle]

I'm a writer though not as successful a one as I'd like to be. Some long term projects I'd put a lot of work over the last few years into failed at the last hurdle. But now and then bits and pieces get published. I make very little money from writing, so my income comes from other writing-related sources plus other casual work.

My husband always says the he is very supportive. Admittedly he has been very good about the fact that my interest in writing has meant that the paid work I do isn't well-paid, so I've not made a huge contribution to the family finances. However, I've supported him in his lucrative career and also done the vast majority of housework and childcare.

Anyway, I recently found out by chance that one of my writing successes - a programme that I scripted and presented nearly 8 years ago - has been dug out of the archives and broadcast again.

I told my husband - mentioning that I'd find out if this meant a repeat fee. I also shared the news on social media as I felt some of my more recent friends would be interested.

My husband though he said he was pleased, didn't really respond. For example didn't ask me exactly when the repeat was so he could chase it up on iPlayer, and mention this to friends or relatives. We were out in a group when I heard about the repeat, and he didn't mention this to other people in the group. He didn't say he wanted to see it, himself. (When the first broadcast occurred at a time, he had completely forgot about the date then and I had to remind him.) He is now retired, so pressure of work etc, isn't a factor - though he is quite busy with hobbies. I do show interest in his pursuits - even the ones I find a bit tedious - and ask him questions about them.

A number of friends have been in touch to say they enjoyed the broadcast - some of them heard it for the first time. However, I've found my husband's lack of response over the last two days a bit deflating and mentioned this to him this morning.

He said, no - on the contrary - he was 'delighted.'

Is this what a 'delighted' husband is like, do you think?

I get why you feel how you do. But I do honestly think that on the occasion of the rambling conversation you are being a little unreasonable.

If you'd split into 2s and 3s, it's a conversation you couldn't have overheard, really, so you have no idea how it went. Your DH could have eloborated on your news, but equally perhaps the other members of the group didn't pursue that nugget of info and so your DH would have been forcing a conversation. Most people talk about themselves! I think the process of making a programme is fascinating, and I would have asked you if I was walking with you, but I 100% wouldn't have expected your Dh to talk about it ... because he wasn't involved!

I think you should examine why you don't tell more people yourself that you are a writer and creator. You've mentioned a couple of times that people you socialise with aren't aware of it. You can change that. Expecting someone else to do it seems a bit weird.

He sounds like a typical bloke....mine hates talking about personal things. For example we recently booked our wedding. He went out with his 3 oldest friends, I asked what they said about it...he didn't tell them!

I don't think YABU OP. A while ago, I was involved in a poetry project, and my poem became part of a film, where they filmed me reciting it. It was shown at a local 'indie' film theatre. DH was very supportive, and came to the screening, despite all this stuff being of no real interest to him. That's how our relationship works. We support each other in this kind of thing. Sorry this is a bit one sided for you x

Ah congrats on your success Plurabelle! I'm guessing we aren't allowed to ask what it is, and if it's still online?
It does sound a bit crap from your DH really. It's not difficult to say "My DW did this!" Writing is very competitive and so any small success is actually a massive success. It feels to me like you're not asking for much, just a bit of enthusiasm, and a bit of interest!
You do need to blow your own trumpet a bit. I do this (and it does activate my cringe glands.) As a result, I've had quite a bit of work through keeping an active fb/twitter profile.

My own XH was fine with me writing, as I was doing it whilst also doing everything at home. But then I started to actually become quite successful, and he wasn't happy really. People became more interested in my work than his, and he didn't like it. Not saying that your DH is like that at all, but it's worth thinking about what he would/will do if and when you hit the big time....

Am I the only one who's curious about what the programme is?

I think you should communicate to him how his seeming lack of interest makes you feel. I understand why you're disappointed, if a piece of my art got published somewhere, I know my DH would tell people about it, in conversation, and on social media, so it does seem like yours isn't really that interested, but that could just be down to his personality, and he really is delighted, but just acts differently.

I'm a writer too and have to publicise some stuff on social media which DH will sometimes share, but I don't expect him to and certainly wouldn't expect him to go around telling people about it. Some people may be interested if it's their thing, but ime people often don't know what to say about it. There's this idea that because something is on tv/radio that everyone's interested but that's not always the case and it can make people feel bad, not because you're intending to brag but essentially you are saying look at my big achievement. Plus it's also just part of your job and after years of it, I don't expect DH to be delighted that I'm doing my job. We're supportive of each other in an ongoing way - and in your case it sounds like he's supported your career choice a long time, so that's what matters. It's good that you're getting a repeat but always better getting on with the next thing.

ShiteRunner I wonder if we've met in real life. I certainly know someone whose situation is similar.. But it's probably not uncommon.

Thanks for asking re the programme. I'd basically be outing myself so won't post the link.

My DP isn't the slightest bit interested in my career successes, or my career failures, or indeed anything to do with my career at all. I've got used to it! The upside is that he doesn't generally bore me with stories about his work either.

Basically the only people who care about your success as much as you do are your mum and dad, and once they've gone, you're on your own.

Or if he'd made a minute or two to talk about the programme, even if he didn't want to have it on a second time. Maybe to ask me something about the experience of making it - what I remembered about that time.

Were you not together when it was made? Surely you talked about it the first time it was broadcast? I think if you want to reminisce about it, then you might need to bring it up yourself - I don't think his failure to ask this kind of thing suggests a lack of support as it's quite a specific idea of what support you think is appropriate.

I've told my husband and put it in the diary - and have mentioned the event once or twice when other people have come round and asked me about writing and said that I reckon it may be popular. But he's made no effort to book a ticket and I suspect it'll be too late if he does decide he wants to pitch up.

Is he not perhaps assuming that you will put him on the guestlist?

No, he doesn't sound anywhere near delighted. YANBU.

I sympathise with you supporting him and your family all these years and he can barely muster a tenth of the same effort for you.

I don't know what to suggest, but think you should treat yourself. Maybe buy a box of chocs as a celebration and don't offer him any

Aw, that's so true hackmum. And also that people will generally talk about themselves - while writers will generally listen! Unless it's juicy celeb goss, people always prefer to chat away to me about what they're up to than know about writing. Which is fair enough really as we mostly moan about it :)

Tricky one, really. I can see how you feel (yup, I'm a writer, too. I'm single, but my co-parent is reasonably supportive in that he will say 'well done' or 'congratulations' when something good happens, but he has no interest in reading my work or coming along to events as what I do is not to his taste.) But then again, as PP have said, he has presumably been happy to support you financially all these years.

Mind you, generally, I think women are expected to praise and big up their male partners, but men are not expected to do the same for female partners, because there is still this idea that men are the ones who matter. I don't know what your area of writing is but things like romance/family sagas or self-help are generally seen as 'women's things' and therefore not really important. (To be fair, there are quite a few romance-type writers for whom it really is a little hobby, like flower-arranging, and their husbands smile indulgently but don't take much interest.)

I think the validation this is important precisely because it the playground for it is unequal. Men tend to get far more validation than women do. That's not an opinion, it's a basic statistical fact - the gender pay gap is part of this (pay is recognition), as are verbal recognition and praise at work, opportunities for promotion, etc.

Add onto that the fact that the work of social reproduction also tends to fall on women more than man. Again, statistics suggest that women do more than 50% of childcare and housework. There is a complicated relationship between direct validation and this fact because when it comes to intensive phases of childcare, it's often the lower-paid job that is sacrificed for a bit.

OP has made clear that she's supported her husband's career in a whole variety of ways over the years, both in terms of attending work functions supporting him directly, and in terms of social reproduction - doing more than her fair share in the domestic sphere. Now that she needs a little bit of validation, praise, attention in return - not too much to ask, surely - it's not forthcoming. She has every right to feel narked off about that. Particularly as he is retired and therefore has all the time in the world to think about other people and their needs a bit more.

Then add in the fact that she is in a sector where external validation is meagre unless you get to the very top. I know it can feel like salaried work is thankless at times (I've held salaried jobs and creative jobs, so I can compare), but you wouldn't believe how much less validation you get when trying to start out in a creative area. It can be absolutely horrible at times. A little bit of faith, a little bit of someone believing in you goes a very long way. It's not that much to ask for him to boost her, just occasionally. He really could do better!

I do often feel ambivalent about the inequality of him being the main breadwinner. Some of this relates to factors before we met - mainly poor health which interrupted my work life.

But he had always actually been very encouraging about me giving more 'conventional' jobs up if I was hitting a brick wall - to focus more on sessional work/working from home.

At an earlier point in family life, it meant I could pick up his stepchildren from school even when he was working very irregular hours. (Without me he'd have been more likely to have had real difficulties about contact.) I took his frail elderly father to medical appointments, as well as dealing with all the stuff to do with our own child. I think it was a trade -off that worked at the time. If he'd ever said, 'This arty business is all very well, but I'd like us to have an even better standard of living and we'd have that if you retrained' - then yes, we would have talked about that.

My husband works in TV, he’s not a writer so maybe you’d view it as different to your circumstances, I don’t know. I watch about 50% of the stuff he’s worked on. If I’ve really enjoyed something he’s made I would recommend it to friends, but I wouldn’t tell friends at dinner that something he worked on 8 years ago was going to be repeated this weekend. I’d find that a bit bizarre.

I’m pleased for him that he has a career he enjoys and feels fulfilled, I’m happy for him when a show gets good reviews, but I would find it very unreasonable to expect me to be “delighted” that something from 8 years ago was being repeated, or to expect me to send around iplayer links.

Few professionals work for money alone. They do it for satisfaction, status and to provide a professsional social life. OP's DH has clearly gained all of this, being chair of his professional association etc.

In this context, I find the 'poor unappreciated breadwinner' comments very odd indeed. It's not as if he was slaving down a mine to keep the bailliffs from the door. The fact is, he would have worked hard and enjoyed his career whether or not he was married, whether or not OP also had a well-paid career.

I'd be really confused about what you wanted from me. If you told me a repeat had been picked up i would say "Yay! Awesome. How much will the residuals be?" I would genuinely think that was sufficient, it's a repeat, wasn't the excitement the first time around?

I might say to a very close friend "Mary's thing is being repeated, so we're getting a patio".

lottie - that's an absolutely brilliant post.

It's a sad truth that those closest to us sometimes don't actually read the thing we wrote, or listen to the thing we made - or whatever, even if they say that they have or will!

I'll confess that I've a friend who's an author of chick lit type books and they're apparently quite good just not to my taste so I have been guilty of buying her book... but not quiiiiiite cracked the spine yet...

Like others have said perhaps your upset is a sign of deeper issues between you? I can see both sides tbh - My current partner gets excited for me when I find a penny on the street but my XH couldn't have cared less about my successes and that was part of the reason we split up.

Well done on the repeat though! If you tell us what it is we can all go and have a listen!

Is he usually fairly low-key in his reaction to things? My DH is a phlegmatic type and never seems to work up much enthusiasm about things, but I've learnt to realise that for him seeming to be quietly pleased is the equivalent of other people whooping with delight. I also have to ask him specifically if I want him to go to something that's important to me, and when the children were growing up he stood no chance of remembering for himself when their plays, concerts etc were. At times I wish he would show more appropriate reactions to good things, but on the other hand it has its upsides in terms of his abiity to stay calm in a crisis (mostly), and leaving me space to do my own thing, which is pretty vital to me.

I understand what you are saying. I wonder what your husband is like in other areas of your lives? Does he chat and talk to you about other stuff? Does he care about your feelings about other things? I hope so! He does sound a bit mean about this particular issue.

Are you serious? And a real grown up? Congratulations and so on from me but really, requiring such excessive acknowledgement is absurd.

I think if there is a choice between type A who is supportive in a practical way and arranges things so that I can pursue my aims but is more interested in me being happy than in my actual interest or type B who is fantastically interested and talks about my aims with enthusiasm but then is not supportive or even obstructive in practical matters I would definitely choose the former. Obviously practically supportive AND interested would be the ideal but he can't force himself to be interested, he might be trying to avoid the subject altogether so that he doesn't have to choose between being honest that your work is not his thing or lying that he thinks it's fabulous. Even the best writers are not everyone's cup of tea.

From the other side, my DH is a workaholic and has also spent a lot of time on post-graduate studies as well as a full time job. I've enabled that by running the household and looking after the DC, I even gave up my career in order that he could travel for his career. His work and his studies are very boring and I really don't talk about them with him or others because I think I've done enough and I don't need to sacrifice any more of my time to them. He understands that his job holds no interest for me.

So, did you get paid for the repeat?