... To think he is not 'delighted?'

[Plurabelle]

I'm a writer though not as successful a one as I'd like to be. Some long term projects I'd put a lot of work over the last few years into failed at the last hurdle. But now and then bits and pieces get published. I make very little money from writing, so my income comes from other writing-related sources plus other casual work.

My husband always says the he is very supportive. Admittedly he has been very good about the fact that my interest in writing has meant that the paid work I do isn't well-paid, so I've not made a huge contribution to the family finances. However, I've supported him in his lucrative career and also done the vast majority of housework and childcare.

Anyway, I recently found out by chance that one of my writing successes - a programme that I scripted and presented nearly 8 years ago - has been dug out of the archives and broadcast again.

I told my husband - mentioning that I'd find out if this meant a repeat fee. I also shared the news on social media as I felt some of my more recent friends would be interested.

My husband though he said he was pleased, didn't really respond. For example didn't ask me exactly when the repeat was so he could chase it up on iPlayer, and mention this to friends or relatives. We were out in a group when I heard about the repeat, and he didn't mention this to other people in the group. He didn't say he wanted to see it, himself. (When the first broadcast occurred at a time, he had completely forgot about the date then and I had to remind him.) He is now retired, so pressure of work etc, isn't a factor - though he is quite busy with hobbies. I do show interest in his pursuits - even the ones I find a bit tedious - and ask him questions about them.

A number of friends have been in touch to say they enjoyed the broadcast - some of them heard it for the first time. However, I've found my husband's lack of response over the last two days a bit deflating and mentioned this to him this morning.

He said, no - on the contrary - he was 'delighted.'

Is this what a 'delighted' husband is like, do you think?

Would you expect the partner of someone who made jewellery as a part time hobby/pin money, to gush every time they sold something?
I think there are a lot of people who are envious of the financial support that your husband has given you which has allowed you the luxury of day time writing. Wind beneath my wings and all that.
Is it Michael Palin's wife who never reads or refers to his work, books or celebrity? I think he says it is her attitude that keeps him grounded.

I think you almost need to set out how you would like people to react. I.e I am really excited/flattered/terrified about XYZ. I suspect he has been quicker to discuss his own successes than you have been about your own. Perhaps your relationship has a set pattern. Time to change that. Tell him what you have written here. Honestly (as with most things on MN) it needs a conversation between people not one person trying to solve it/rationalise it alone.

But if I wanted my Dh to attend something I buy him a ticket and stick it in the calendar. He does vice versa (although with slightly less fanfare). if you want him to attend your event say so.

Well said @lottiegarbanzo I would also question the "poor breadwinner" comments.

Would people say the same about a stay at home dad and working mother couple?

The OP supported her partner throughout his professional life, she performed the majority of the childcare and housework, she contributed to the household in a very meaningful way. Had she not been performing the domestic labour he probably wouldn't have been as successful at work.

It sounds like the OP's career choice was convenient for their family and she deserves some recognition. The impression I get is that her husband has been seen as more important and she could do with a bit of recognition and praise.

I actually think you're being really unreasonable and a bit silly.

This.

Also just buy him a ticket for your literary conventions if you are keen for him to come. This is what me and my DP do.
it’s reasonalbe to expect your partner to tolerate your boring hobby,
But unreasonable to expect burning enthusiasm

Plurabelle well done for getting the repeat. I hope you got paid for it.

Good grief, you already shared the good news on your own social media. It would be rather cringetastic if he made a huge announcement on your behalf. I work in a creative field too and know it can be solitary but you sound a bit too need and attention seeking. You done a job, will get paid again but you really aren't owed a constant pat on the back.

I think for me the analogy would be like being very hungry - which means you think about food all the time. Whereas when you're reasonably well fed, you really don't think about it.

So what I wanted was a little bit of stuff like

A: Remark to someone on the walk, 'Yes that was a good bit of work Plurabelle did. I remember enjoying that programme.

B: Maybe later at supper. 'Oh and I must tell - insert name of adult child - about it - when I text them later. They might want to listen.

C: Re forthcoming event. 'Chair of that event is all over the newspaers at the moment. They sound well worth hearing. Do you think I should book now, if I want to come along?'

So it's not about being told that I'm fantastic. I'm not, though I work quite hard at being a better writing. It's just a kind of low-level affirmation/acknowledgement/engagement.

Really, I suspect the main thing is to get this from friends and to keep going on my own. But, now and then, the lack of response from him does startle me. I could remind him and be clearer with him about what I want. However, when I've done this before there's a kind of temporary flurry of something that is very like 'performance parenting.' 'Performance partner-ing' perhaps. And then he slips back.

Thanks everyone.

He probably isn't delighted. I am an artist and as a result my husband has been the main earner. He always wanted me to be happy and was pleased when I was successful but when it comes right down to it he isn't that interested in art and thats just fine.

YABU. His reaction is totally normal.
Congratulations.

I am kind of amazed/shocked that so many people have so little interest in the work their partners do! Especially if said work is creative!

I know, I know, different strokes, different folks and all. I just literally can't imagine it.

I'm not sure how to put this without seeming cruel, but is it really such a big deal? Something you did 8 years ago that isn't even guaranteed to bring in any money on top of years of him enabling you to write as a very low paying hobby, essentially.

I think the issue here isn't actually your husbands reaction but your own assessment of the worthiness of the situation, which I fear may be a little inflated.

That's not to say you shouldny feel a little chuffed for yourself though, of course!

If the people that decided to resurrect it contacted you and said it had been so popular they would like to contract you for regular work and pay you decent money, then I would expect a little more applause from your nearest and dearest!

Again I get it plurabelle. I do. But I think the reality is he is just not that interested! Agree, get that from friends and stop expecting him to suddenly be different!

Hilary Mantel's husband gave up his career as a geologist to become his wife's business manager. Write some critically acclaimed books and / or win the Booker and your husband may follow his example.
Hilary Mantel is famously unassuming and dislikes social media though.

I agree with elizzza - if you're not making a living from it, then it is just a hobby that has been indulged for many years. Your work has been raising a family, which should be supported and acknowledged, but this isn't really the same. Surely for the event, he would just come along if he wanted, or you wanted?

Writing is odd in that it is probably the only activity/potential job I can think of where you can fail so many times, for so long, and people sympathise or comfort.

I do recognise that we are all different, but it seems - as many other posters have said - very needy/precious and also a bit strange in a long term relationship to have this sort of reaction. If my partner wasn't supporting me in a way I wanted, I'd just tell him - he's never read a single one of my books and that doesn't bother me. Similarly, I know that he is very successful (renowned even) in what he does, but I don't really have much interest in it

But it isn't really a new achievement to be boasted about far and wide, is it?
It is more like a reaffirmation of something achieved 8 years ago, isn't it?
So equivalent to the widget contract he negotiated 8 years ago being renewed/ the research paper she published 8 years ago being cited in a new paper/ bumping into the lady he did that operation on 8 years ago and finding her in great health/the house she designed 8 years ago re-selling for a good price
All of these things are great, but I wouldn't expect the spouses of these businesspeople/scientists/surgeons/architects to be telling everyone they know about it, would you?
If not, why do you feel writing is so different?

So does Mumsnet judge my (lack of) success solely by the amount of income that writing has brought it.

Or can income from writing-related activity - teaching creative writing - be brought in?

Or does the artistic merit of the writing have any value? This might be judged by prizes, places published, the respect of other well-known writers.

Some writers and visual artists who are well-regarded now, were not feted in life time and their work didn't command high prices. (eg Van Gogh was sneered at as a Sunday painter)

My work is respected by some good people and has appeared in some good places. Additionally it has enabled me to earn a small but useful income. I just haven't 'broken through'. Partly because I've taken my eye of the ball and been busy supporting spouse/children etc. Perhaps there are just times when I haven't marketed myself hard enough and/or there are creative weaknesses which I have yet to overcome.

I think YABU about this, he may not have any interest in the topic of the show and so has no interest in watching or talking about it. He may well be proud of your writing, doesn't mean he has to crow about it, or read or watch the results of it.

Why not say 'would you like to come along?' to the event? I find it odd you don't just crack on and discuss it. I wouldn't expect my husband to pay for his ticket and ask to go separately from me!

It seems you are guessing what he thinks. You are also not there for all his conversations so who knows what he brings up when you aren't there.

I don't pay for a ticket, because I'm one of the writers on the panel. My partner would have to pay for a ticket because he is in the audience.

It seems you are guessing what he thinks. You are also not there for all his conversations so who knows what he brings up when you aren't there.

This is a valid point, I think. My father was a very stoic man. He was loving and kind, but not overly affectionate or emotional. We had a good childhood and knew that we were loved. He passed away unexpectedly shortly after I'd had my first child. When we were at his funeral, so many of his friends and co-workers came up to my brother and me, and asked us about things going on in our lives, our work, our school, my baby. We were shocked. Though he wasn't particularly demonstrative to us, apparently he absolutely gushed about us to his friends and co-workers.

So- why not ask him, would you like to come along? I sometimes attend if my husband is speaking but not always, and similarly he doesn't really go to my work events, unless it was a special occasion. If this is a special occasion ask him if he's going. You both sound less than straightforward in your communication style. Also, say 'I'm a bit disappointed you didn't do XYZ' and have a discussion about it.

Why don't you just tell him you'd like him to go? And can't you get him a ticket/put him on the guest list?

I'll talk to him later. What happens is that most of the time I really don't mind that he is like this. And then there's one more thing and I suddenly mind a very great deal. So it can be hard to find the place in the middle.

And I really would so much rather that some of it came from him. Just once in a while. Doing the emotional housework is tedious.

Your reply to my post might not have actually been to me, but if it was, then most of my examples had nothing to do with money.
Its just that I think that most people's jobs are important in their own way, and many people's jobs really impact on the lives of others (not just pioneering surgeons & cancer researchers saving lives, but carers and cleaners making their own vital contributions to healthcare, for example)
I'm not disrespecting your profession, its neither less nor more important to these examples (although I'm smirking a little at you comparing yourself to Van Gogh, I must admit)

But he probably doesn't need 'emotional housework'. Like it sounds like he just gets on with his job. Right you accompany him to jollies but no one makes you.

He probably sees you're writing as a bit of a vanity project and feels he already did the flattering eight years ago.

I don't need my dh to take any emotional interest in my work, he doesn't expect me to take it in his. We just get on with it.

All this expectation of 'support' is wearing.