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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... To think he is not 'delighted?'

131 replies

Plurabelle · 13/03/2019 10:59

I'm a writer though not as successful a one as I'd like to be. Some long term projects I'd put a lot of work over the last few years into failed at the last hurdle. But now and then bits and pieces get published. I make very little money from writing, so my income comes from other writing-related sources plus other casual work.

My husband always says the he is very supportive. Admittedly he has been very good about the fact that my interest in writing has meant that the paid work I do isn't well-paid, so I've not made a huge contribution to the family finances. However, I've supported him in his lucrative career and also done the vast majority of housework and childcare.

Anyway, I recently found out by chance that one of my writing successes - a programme that I scripted and presented nearly 8 years ago - has been dug out of the archives and broadcast again.

I told my husband - mentioning that I'd find out if this meant a repeat fee. I also shared the news on social media as I felt some of my more recent friends would be interested.

My husband though he said he was pleased, didn't really respond. For example didn't ask me exactly when the repeat was so he could chase it up on iPlayer, and mention this to friends or relatives. We were out in a group when I heard about the repeat, and he didn't mention this to other people in the group. He didn't say he wanted to see it, himself. (When the first broadcast occurred at a time, he had completely forgot about the date then and I had to remind him.) He is now retired, so pressure of work etc, isn't a factor - though he is quite busy with hobbies. I do show interest in his pursuits - even the ones I find a bit tedious - and ask him questions about them.

A number of friends have been in touch to say they enjoyed the broadcast - some of them heard it for the first time. However, I've found my husband's lack of response over the last two days a bit deflating and mentioned this to him this morning.

He said, no - on the contrary - he was 'delighted.'

Is this what a 'delighted' husband is like, do you think?

OP posts:
WarpedGalaxy · 13/03/2019 11:38

Why do you need his validation for the same piece again? Did he not congratulate you and boost you at the original airing?

He’s gone along with everything you’ve wanted re your career choices, accepted that your financial contribution is lesser as a result of you indulging your creative wants, I think the additional housework and childcare is a red herring, you made the choices you made and he supported you in those choices. And now you want him to gush over and big you up to all and sundry about a repeat of something you made eight years ago. How long does he have to keep patting you on the back for it? How long are you going to rest on that laurel?

You’re proud of what you made, the fact it’s being re-aired and others are congratulating you should be enough of a boost for you.

JenniferJareau · 13/03/2019 11:38

Sounds like he isn't aware of the type of support you'd like.

If you were with friends, why didn't you tell them about the programme? Sounds like you want him to cheerlead you and he is busy with his own pursuits.

Tinkobell · 13/03/2019 11:39

I think your DH just sounds a bit meh and bored of life in general. I think you are being a bit unreasonable OP. I get your feeling slightly deflated though. I think fundamentally you have to decide if you're doing your writing work for your own happiness and self actualisation or because you need your DH's delight? Pop the champagne cork with an enthusiastic friend if you become the next JK Rowling ...leave DH at home!

BarbarianMum · 13/03/2019 11:42

Is going around boasting to friends how well your other half has done at work a thing now?

Princessmushroom · 13/03/2019 11:43

I’m also in a similar field, where I might appear in the media, appear on tv, etc. My husband celebrates everything with me, so I’m sorry that this hasn’t happened for you. I would be upset tbh.

Well done though, that’s an amazing achievement to not only be broadcast once but again now! Shout it from the roof tops

lottiegarbanzo · 13/03/2019 11:45

Would you want to book a ticket to his work thing though? Would you be interested? Feel he needed your support or fandom?

It reads a bit as if he takes your writing more seriously than you do, in that he views it as your job, whereas you view it as a hobby in which you occasionally get lucky and gain professional validation.

Original poster
Plurabelle · 13/03/2019 11:50

In my husband's work I accompanied him to annual parties, to dinners and drinks with his colleagues and to the annual conference when he was chair of the association for members of his profession.

So I gave him social support as well as listening to him talk about work-related issues and advising him about how to resolve conflicts there during times when the going was tough.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 13/03/2019 11:54

Hmm, then I do agree that he could do better. But also that you do probably need to tell him 'I'd like you to attend as accompanying / supportive spouse'. Because some work things are like that, others are 'why on earth would you bring an uninterested hanger-on?'. A public event does seem to fall more obviousy into the first category.

Tell him he can demonstrate his 'delight' in perosn on the night!

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2019 12:10

I don't want to instruct him to come. I don't need him there. However, I'd like it if he felt it was something he wanted to do

It would not be "instructing him to come" to say "I would love it if you came, DH."

That would just be you being honest and open in communication.

You are asking him to mind-read.

My DH does creative stuff. So do I, in a limited fashion. Sometimes I read/watch/listen to his stuff. Sometimes he does for mine. But not for everything, because it is work and because there are other things going on etc.

But if my DH said "Please come and watch this/read this and tell me what you think" etc then I'd absolutely do it. As would he.

But you need to honestly communicate what you want.

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2019 12:12

And on the "telling other people" stuff, I might mention what DH had been up to/achieved if the conversation had been going in that direction, but I wouldn't bring it up especially, iyswim. So I do think maybe you are being a bit oversensitive - and that's probably because you're building up a bit of resentment. So you need to communicate properly to sort it out.

DarkDarkNight · 13/03/2019 12:16

You’ve put it on Social Media and mentioned it to Friends and Family so there’s no need for him to mention it if he doesn’t want to.

I would find it a bit embarrassing to have to mention something like that to friends. It’s boasting about somebody else’s achievement and pushing people who may not be interested to watch it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/03/2019 12:16

I think he could be more supportive. I assume you dont earn a great deal. Does he not like that?

PregnantSea · 13/03/2019 12:19

Depends on his personality, I think. I wouldn't go around telling people stuff like this because I'm quite a private person, I don't use social media and I struggle a bit to know the line between sharing good news and bragging/being boring, so I tend to just play everything down and not mention stuff to people unless it's relevant to the conversation.

But you know your husband's personality better than any of us. If he's the kind of person who would normally be bursting at the seams to tell everyone good news then yes, this is very off of him. Also I would still always be keen to congratulate my spouse in private and make a fuss of his accomplishments.

Original poster
Plurabelle · 13/03/2019 12:25

I think maybe there's a bit of this thing about women talking about their male partners and men talking about themselves.

So in this group - which is where we are - when it all started, I had talked quite a bit to people there about a trip abroad my husband had made. (They'd asked about him because he was absent from the meetings and had emailed to say where he was going.) And I was happy to talk about what he was doing, and the phonecalls and the news. It was an out-of-the-ordinary trip to an unusual place and the sort of thing people were quite interested in.

Arguably making a programme is slightly out of the ordinary too. People watch a lot of TV, and some people also listen to the radio. So anything behind the scenes about how stuff is put together, the commissioning side, the editing process - the people involved etc - can be quite interesting if you don't go on at inordinate length. My partner had met the producer, who stayed overnight with us, and she was a lovely, unusual woman who I've kept in touch with.

So it was something he could have discussed a little - not in a cloying boastful way, but a storytelling way. But I think he just wanted to talk about his own, more immediate concerns.

The balance doesn't seem quite right, although that is the way of it sometimes....

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 13/03/2019 12:29

You're probably right about that. But half the answer is for you to become more 'boastful', rather confident about talking about your own work and about its intrinsic interest to others.

writenowinaminute · 13/03/2019 12:29

I understand OP. I am a mid-list writer, success for most of us is patchy and unpredictable so it IS important to celebrate every achievement. Having said that, I think it is hard for non-writers to understand this, so I wouldn't dwell too much on your DH’s attitude. But if it is part of a wider pattern of him not supporting you in other ways, then you need to talk to him.

Original poster
Plurabelle · 13/03/2019 12:30

I think there is something in that lottiegarbanzo!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 13/03/2019 12:31

(They'd asked about him because he was absent from the meetings and had emailed to say where he was going.)

But that's why the subject of his trip came up.

There wasn't presumably the same natural opening in the conversation to discuss your news.

If your DH had been there alone and they had asked, "Where's Plurabelle today?" then no doubt your DH would have elaborated e.g. well, she's got a meeting with the radio producer... etc.

It's a bit weird to just bring up in conversation in a storytelling way other people's news unless it is relevant.

NoSquirrels · 13/03/2019 12:33

So yes - it is YOUR news and you need to celebrate your successes by talking about your news with others.

I shouldn't think it's at all deliberate on your DH's part, but if you feel unsupported then do ask for more support. I think you might need to accept that it won't necessarily be in the form of shouting about what you do to others.

writenowinaminute · 13/03/2019 12:34

@lottiegarbanzo that is a really good point!

Original poster
Plurabelle · 13/03/2019 12:37

What happened was somebody in the middle of the group said to me, at the start.'There was this programme on and you were presenting it.'

And it was complete news to me because nobody had told me about the repeat.

Then, we all split into twos or threes - it's a rambling group - and the paths aren't that wide.

A lot of people in the group are only vaguely aware that I write - though an event I did locally a month or so back has made them more aware of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plurabelle · 13/03/2019 12:40

And yes, I do get what people are saying and am thinking about what I want.

OP posts:
Magpiefeather · 13/03/2019 12:41

I used to feel like this (have worked in the arts but not writing). Over time I have come to accept that DH is just not going to be as excited about my work successes as I am , or as I would have liked him to be in my romanticised version of life. He is just a very practical, level person who doesn’t get as emotionally invested in work stuff as I do. He is still very happy for me when things go well, and very supportive, but his personality just isn’t “cheerleader”, and actually I have decided I quite like that! Have a real think about why you need that validation. If it’s just that you imagine that would be nice, consider why it can’t still be nice without. Maybe if you stop expecting fanfares you won’t feel their absence so much??

Read that back and it sounds really harsh. I don’t mean it that way. 100% get it as I said I have felt like this before ! But if it’s just his personality you can either

  • try and change him (unlikely to go well)
  • try and get him to fake it (probably won’t feel great for you anyway)
  • leave him
  • accept it and find a way to come to terms with it

Congratulations on your repeat, that’s great and hope you get some more royalties for it!

tessieandoz · 13/03/2019 12:43

YANBU - I would just generally be expecting him to be actually excited for you. Publishing is notoriously difficult. It is a success. He should have bought champagne ( or its equivalent for you ) and been really delighted for you. I agree that his reaction is disappointing.
That said you probably just have to " suck it up"; the moment has passed.
Congratulations from me..

Anon10 · 13/03/2019 12:44

I think YABU. You admit your husband has had a lucrative career and has supported you financially. This has given you the freedom to be a writer and pursue a career without a reliable source of income, whilst raising your children. He has supported you. Without his income, would you have been able to have the life you have had and been a writer? Does he need to broadcast your successes to show his support? Or is it good enough that you are in this extremely fortunate position. From what you have said in your post, you come across as quite expectant and a little precious.