... To think he is not 'delighted?'

[Plurabelle]

I'm a writer though not as successful a one as I'd like to be. Some long term projects I'd put a lot of work over the last few years into failed at the last hurdle. But now and then bits and pieces get published. I make very little money from writing, so my income comes from other writing-related sources plus other casual work.

My husband always says the he is very supportive. Admittedly he has been very good about the fact that my interest in writing has meant that the paid work I do isn't well-paid, so I've not made a huge contribution to the family finances. However, I've supported him in his lucrative career and also done the vast majority of housework and childcare.

Anyway, I recently found out by chance that one of my writing successes - a programme that I scripted and presented nearly 8 years ago - has been dug out of the archives and broadcast again.

I told my husband - mentioning that I'd find out if this meant a repeat fee. I also shared the news on social media as I felt some of my more recent friends would be interested.

My husband though he said he was pleased, didn't really respond. For example didn't ask me exactly when the repeat was so he could chase it up on iPlayer, and mention this to friends or relatives. We were out in a group when I heard about the repeat, and he didn't mention this to other people in the group. He didn't say he wanted to see it, himself. (When the first broadcast occurred at a time, he had completely forgot about the date then and I had to remind him.) He is now retired, so pressure of work etc, isn't a factor - though he is quite busy with hobbies. I do show interest in his pursuits - even the ones I find a bit tedious - and ask him questions about them.

A number of friends have been in touch to say they enjoyed the broadcast - some of them heard it for the first time. However, I've found my husband's lack of response over the last two days a bit deflating and mentioned this to him this morning.

He said, no - on the contrary - he was 'delighted.'

Is this what a 'delighted' husband is like, do you think?

I've worked in libraries and in adult education, in universities, arts centres and in advice centres. I've mentored people who have had difficult lives and helped them to write their life stories. I've been on the steering group of a charity that worked in schools and on the phoneline of another that provides support to survivors of rape and sexual abuse. I've helped bring up my stepchildren as well as my own child, supported my husband and helped to look after my father in law who had dementia.

I have also spent some time working on my own writing. But I think the above activities have stopped me getting too precious.

I certainly don't think I'm anything special as an artist. I did make an analogy that the marketplace judges peoples work in one way. And sometimes later generations will judge that work differently.

Misstiggywinkletoyou, maybe the op has done the lions share of the chores, but her husband has done the lions share of the bread winning

Oh and just for clarity my husband no longer has a job to get on with. He's retired, so has more time - if he so wishes - to take a vague interest in what I am doing.

When he was working a 50-60 hour week and had younger children to look after as well as his ageing father to see, I expected very little engagement from him. If we could have the occasional night out/quiet meal/uninterrupted conversation together that was a bonus.

Re. Your ABC, sorry that just sounds like your writing taking over and you wanting to control what other people say. It's pretty unrealistic dialogue tbh. Bit on the nose! If you want him to come to the event just ask him.

I think you are being a bit precious. If you were an amateur writer who got something published (like a pp on this thread) then i'd absolutely expect your DH to be super excited, coming along and doing appropriate levels of bragging. But writing is your job, for which you've seen mixed success over the years. I don't expect DH to leap up and down with excitement every time I complete a project successfully or get praised for a good piece of work. Similarly, Dh is in the arts as well, and he doesn't expect me to follow every one of his pieces of work or turn up every time its performed.

We are both adults, with professions, and we are broadly speaking proud of the other one.

A good example that relates to your experience is that DH took part in something about 15 years ago. It was reshown on TV a few years later. Dh mentioned it. I was pleased. He recorded it as we'd lost the old recording. It was done. There may have been some general chat to a few friends that it was on, but nothing that I particularly remember and information act, I'm assuming there wouldn't have been much because when DH did something MUCH more impressive a few months ago, he didn't mention it to anyone!

I mean this as gently as possible, but your expectations are completely unreasonable.

I think that after many years supporting my husband in his work and asking him about it, I had simply - wrongly - assumed, that when he was retired and under less pressure, he would return the favour by taking a bit more interest in what I was doing.

Obviously this can be seen as precious and/or unreasonable. But it was my assumption.

I think what has actually happened is that he assumes the support I gave him when he was working in a demanding job will continue and that I will remain very interested indeed in the various hobbies and pursuits he has adopted since he retired.

In return he will - very occasionally - remember to ask me about my day.

(Much as he would sometimes ask this when he'd returned from a 10 or 11 hour absence from home during the working week.)

It's very different if he's expecting yo to demonstrate a high level of interest in everything he does. You've made it clear you do that a lot, but it's not clear to me if he requires that?

I support DH by being the main breadwinner and still adapting my schedule when necessary to meet his requirements. But while I don't ask him or engage with all of his projects, I don't expect the same from him. If your DH does, that's a different issue. but you should think about whether he DOES expect it or whether that's just something you've always done.

I think he talks to me a lot about what he is doing. He tells me about he contents of every email and every phonecall. What each language class was like. If he's gone out to pursue his particular cultural interest - perhaps on a day trip, he will want tell me everything about the trip when he gets back.

Although some of these interests involve other people - and he will tell me about the conversations he's had with them - he doesn't really socialise with them. It's me who he wants to talk to and use as a sort of sounding board.

There is an expectation I will be interested, and I think it is part of being in a relationship to have some sort of sense of what is occupying the other person's mind.

So at meals and if we're going out for a walk, I'll either listen or ask him about these things.

When he first retired he'd wander in to where I was trying to write or do work from home and try to tell me these things. And I'd ask him not to tell me everything straight away unless it was urgent or important.

And sometimes he'll ask me a bit about what I'm doing in return - but his ability to retain that information or respond to it other than in a rather perfunctory way isn't great.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all Plura. I'm not sure why other posters feel the need to diminish your efforts or achievements. Being a writer is not comparable to most other jobs, you don't get continually rejected in most other jobs.

Your situation seems a bit analogous to one of mine, so I'll share.

I used to work in an academic job and published many papers. I left that job and now do something else. 5 years after my last publication, I published again in a different area.

Now, my dp is hugely supportive of me and engaged with my career, but his reaction to this was very much 'that's nice'

Because this programme repeat isn't a milestone, a first success, a huge new opportunity etc, it simply doesn't hold any novelty to other people. It's a case of well done, but we celebrated this already. It's business as usual.

I agree with Halloumi. Maybe it's because I'm not in the industry, but I struggle to see a repeat as being that big a deal.

Is your husband worried about coming across as boastful about what is ultimately not a significant new accomplishment?

Perhaps he doesn't want you broach that feeling with you for fear of seeming, even more, unsupportive.

It isn't a new achievement - but somebody well-known selected that programme which I scripted and presented - as something from a large archive that they felt deserved another hearing. It means that I can list the rescheduled broadcast in a writers CV and that my name would be more current in internet searches. Plus if there is a new fee that would be useful. So it's a small boost among one or two other small things - another piece getting republished alongside work by other people - in a way that has generated a new round of publicity. It's stuff that can be mentioned when I try to get people to look at new work. A small Good Thing. But if there haven't been many good things for a period, even the small good things have some meaning for me.

I appreciate that, and I'm happy for you and I certainly thing your husband should celebrate those small successes with you - privately. But asking him to publicly applaud successes on that scale seems disproportionate to me.

It sounds like the difference between getting a promotion at work v. having a few projects go well and having the warm fuzzy feeling that your bosses like you and your prospects at the firm are good. The latter I would absolutely expect my spouse to be delighted about, but I wouldn't expect him to tell anyone.

I think the core of it probably that you are aware your H thinks your writing is a silly little lady-hobby, even though it has brought in an income: he was the breadwinner and he remains the Important Person in the family. He may not have asked for you to provide unending emotional support by way of domestic work, maintaining the calendar WRT DC activities etc, but he probably clearly expected it of you. Now he's retired, he still considers himself more important than you, and your writing and associated activities are still rather 'Oh, that's nice dear, what's for lunch?' to him.

I certainly think he doesn't know a lot about the writing/publishing industry and the way it has changed over the years - so it's now a very different field.

It's been a challenging patch for me personally. Six months ago a major and until-then reliable source of work dried up with no warning, and I've been looking for alternatives without much success. Financially it's not the end of the world, but a decent fee for the re-broadcast work - if it came in before the end of the tax year - would make my income a little less dismal.

Completely agree with Reanimated. It's a silly lady-hobby to him. Know your place.

Do you know other writers OP? I find they are the best source of support and celebrations.

I get it OP. I don't think it's precious to expect more obvious 'delight' from your husband. I don't think he will change though.
Congratulations on the repeat. It is a great achievement that most people won't enjoy so please don't let his disinterest spoil this for you.

Also with Bling and Halloumi

If my husband had a repeat publication, I'd be very pleased for him (might even say 'delighted')

I'd tell him so, but would be unlikely to share on social media or bring up in conversation with others - and am only likely to read it if it's something I'm interested in

This doesn't mean I don't support or care about him

downcasteyes

'I am kind of amazed/shocked that so many people have so little interest in the work their partners do! Especially if said work is creative!

I know, I know, different strokes, different folks and all. I just literally can't imagine it'

Not much imagination, perhaps?

The problem is clearly that he doesn't listen to you or take much interest in you generally, or rather that you have always been the listener and him the centre of interest.

If he's like that in private, it's extremely unlikely he would post on social media or tell all his friends about your repeat work.

My husband wouldn't post on social media about my work, and I'd find it embarrassing if he did, but he talks to me a lot, we share a lot of ideas and fun and he appreciates me and bigs me up all the time.

The context is really important here and it's about you not feeling appreciated or valued. This isn't an isolated incident and that's why it hurt so much.

I think he talks to me a lot about what he is doing. He tells me about he contents of every email and every phonecall. What each language class was like. If he's gone out to pursue his particular cultural interest - perhaps on a day trip, he will want tell me everything about the trip when he gets back.

So his style of communication is to share the things he is interested in without waiting to be asked, and you would rather he initiated the conversation and demonstrated his interest.

Have you tried communicating in the style he adopts? Just come on out and talk about what you've been doing, what you think and how it's affecting you without waiting to be asked? Because it strikes me that you both communicate in different ways which works for him, but not for you - maybe instead of trying to change him, you should try changing what you do?

I have tried talking more about what I'm doing. But quite often he just waits for me to finish speaking and then changes the subject/talks about himself. If I query this by saying, 'But I was talking about X or Y. You've begun talking about Z which is quite different.' His response would be 'Oh, I thought you'd finished.' And/or he may later make some remark or ask some question which indicates he had forgotten/not taken in what I said originally. I have pointed out that his listening/memory seems not great and the changes of subject, lack of follow-up questions make it seem not like conversation. It's more that I give him information either on the grounds that this is practically necessary or that I am trying to keep in touch with him. And he may retain this or he may not.

He actually sounds like a bit of a dick

Unfortunately, it’s the pattern that your communication has settled into after many years of marriage and I think you’ll struggle to get him to change now.

Is it the same in company, that he conducts himself as subject of interest and you as audience and facilitator? Or is he happy when other people show an active interest in you and your work? In that case, does he sit back and let you shine, or does he look bored, or start a different conversation with someone else?

It does sound very much as if he is completely habituated to seeing himself as the centre of his world and you as his support staff.

Are there other women he grants the status of 'main act' and 'interesting speaker', or is this status granted only to men?