PILs and SILs so selfish? AIBU?

[Nothinglefttochoose]

It happens every year and every year it annoys me! My MIL and my SIL NEVER send my children their birthday presents on time!

Sometimes the presents are weeks or months late and they only ever give them in person.

I did ask my MIL and she said the reason she does that is that she wants to see their reaction and get the gratification of giving a present.

Am I the only one who thinks that is so self centred and not really what birthdays are about? You get a present on your birthday because it’s your birthday!!

They are making it all about themselves!

I think it’s so odd and rude.

AIBU?? I don’t think I am.

Just because I ask for n opinion doesn’t mean I need to agree with what others say. I came back because so many of you idiots were on here saying “ i bet OP never comes back”. You all need to grow up.

I’m of the opinion that if you can’t send presents or cards close to birthdays then it’s best you don’t bother at all, and I genuinely mean that not in a huffy way. If it’s too much trouble to stick an Amazon gift card In an envelope then I’d rather not receive anything.

But that seems to suggest that an Amazon gift card on the day is 'making more effort' than a lovely hand-picked gift a few weeks later - that might be what you think but it's not what I think and not what OP's PIL think, apparently.

Hoppinggreen
I think op is controlling. Her in-laws may also be controlling. But she hasn’t posted anything to indicate this.

Were she not controlling she would have taken responsibility for the situation and be agreeing to modifying her behaviour. Instead she’s agreeing with the one or 2 posters, who says she isn’t u and calling the rest of us nasty names.

A child’s birthday is important.

And PIL are the only GPS .

So have you been inviting them for a birthday tea etc?

Any other things you haven’t told us that suggest a controlling family?

In which case communicationwith us would have gained you more empathy than ‘if you don’t agree you are an a hole’.

I’m sure you are genuine but responses like yours make you sound like someone who needs to use conditioner rather than hand cream.

@nothinglefttochoose I can relate somewhat although I have a different view on what you're describing. I suppose it also depends on what your overall relationship is like.

GMIL does this. Fine. Her choice. But the children don't actually get them for months. In her case she is using the presents as leverage to make a point that she doesn't see us enough (huuuuge backstory). Both DH and I have HUGE families so would never fit everyone in who wanted to give a gift. Growing up my family posted presents and I do the same if I know I won't see someone within a few weeks. DH and I joke between ourselves that GMIL holds the presents hostage. SMIL gave the children Christmas presents 4 weeks after Christmas (due to lots of illness) and while they said thank you, there was no Christmas excitement (iykwim) it was received gratefully but with surprise and after she left my eldest asked me why she'd given her a present because my children don't expect presents in general at times that aren't Christmas or birthdays (we had actually told her beforehand that MIL was bringing a present and why but she has dyspraxia and struggles to retain information).

Going against the grain here (probably due to my own experience) but I think yanbu for it to grate on you but I think ywbu to say or do anything about it. I also think that if you brief your children before visitors arrive then it would avoid awkwardness. And in your private time you can let it all annoy the hell out of you!

idiots

You all need to grow up

Just because I ask for n opinions doesn’t mean I need to agree with what others say.
I think you’ve confused AIBU with only comment if you agree. Perhaps Mumsnet could start a OCIYA topic.

I just advance searched you thinking maybe you are a troll. You do have a posting history. I was surprised.

OP I agree with you. I always make sure people have their cards and present before their birthday as it makes them feel special on their day. My family all do the same.

My in-laws are the same and give the kids when they see them. To be fair they always try and see them within a few days of their birthday if not on the day but I agree that by needing to see the person open the present it makes it about the giver not the receiver. I always get the kids to call or whats app family to say thanks and that they liked their gifts and we send thank you cards to extended family. Why would you need to see them open them.

As a kid having your presents when you woke up was so exciting.

But I always invited family over for birthdays.

As my family now does to me.

The OP hasn't said whether she does or not.

Haaaaaaaa at “you all need to grow up” 😂 😂 😂.

You sound about 14 with your foot stomping about birthday presents and calling people “a holes” 🙄🙄.

Anyway, tbh, I tend to give friends and adult family members presents when I see them, assuming that isn’t going to be too long after their birthday. But with children, I do prefer to send them so that they have them on the day. But yes, yabvu to be so about it. Your reaction is extreme and frankly a bit weird.

I'm sorry I think you are being grabby - you have asked and she has explained she likes to see their faces - fair enough. Some children don't even get presents from their extended family members - you should be thinking more about the relationship building between them as they feel joy at watching them open their presents. Honestly, to me kids get enough on the birthdays...spacing it out seems a bonus!

I don't understand all these posts saying OP is entitled etc

Grandparents want to buy the kids a present for their birthday so why can't they give them to them for their actual birthdays. As an adult it's a bit strange getting a present 5 weeks after your birthday so even stranger for kids who have a different concept of time to adults. 5 weeks is a long time to a small child.

They want to give a present she isn't asking them to give a present. Birthdays are not an unexpected suprise they happen on the same day every year it's very easy to plan ahead for them.

Also have you ever had the embarrassment of a small child opening something they don't like or already have in front of someone?!?! Young kids wear their hearts of their sleeves ! It's easier to be able to prep them with how to say thanks and not say they have it already etc bwfore they see or call the person !

Today my son said to my MIL , what is this present for? She looked put out but honestly what does she expect?

Well you've certainly trained him well how to accept a gift graciously. 'Thank you' would have been nice.

Erm. My 7 year old got one present on his birthday this year. Because his grandmother was dying and we flew out to our home country with 24 hours notice. He was so excited to get that and to cut his cake. We tried to make it special but it was a tense day
When we came home he got the rest. He knew he would get it, just as your kids I am sure are capable of understanding that some presents come later (X has a present for you but will give it to you later, okay?) and still enjoy them.
He did get presents on his birthday, from you.
And they do give him presents. In person. Which is lovely.
I think it’s absolutely fine for kids to learn to wait a bit (as long as their birthday isn’t totally joyless).
Actually my best friend just turned up last week from Australia with belated birthday gifts for my kids. Their birthdays were two months ago. My kids were thrilled.

I think there is more to it than these presents.

PotolBabu but there were special circumstances there. Would you purposefully do that ever year ?

The ONLY response to a present face to face btw is ‘Thank you.’ That’s all. And the earlier kids learn this the better.
DH and his parents are for some reason spectactarly rude about presents. DH has said, ‘oh I have heard that book isn’t great’ once. MIL says, in a well meaning way, ‘god, why did you bother? It’s so embarrassing.’
I always warn both kids before Xmas that the ONLY acceptable response is ‘thank you’ even if you already have the gift or don’t like it. Surely this is not hard to do?

No. But it’s not like the kid didn’t get anything. He did!
How is it hard to say, like we did, ‘your gifts are at home, you’ll get it when we go back’ or ‘Grandma will be coming in a few weeks with your presents.’ How is that difficult for a 5 and 7 year old to understand? If my child has reacted like that I would have been MORTIFIED.

Why aren't the PILs arranging to visit closer to your children's birthdays? Or you could go there if travelling is an issue for them. An hour away is nothing.

I completely understand that they want to see their GCs open their presents - I don't understand why they have to wait 5 weeks for that to happen.

I dont think it should upset the child as long as they get an acknowledgement of some kind on their birthday. Card and call from granny to say 'you'll get your gift soon'= a treat to look forward to on another day. If granny doesnt call or send a card then i get why the child would feel upset if none of you know until afterwards.

Everyone may think it's rubbish for 3 reasons. 1 they do gifts as you do and can't understand different . 2 granny didn't acknowledge the dcs birthday at all leaving him confused or 3 you react defensively (like here) when told what you don't want to hear and they don't want to upset.

Yes but when you are small it's very hard to act excited when you are not. Yes the kids say thank you but if people are expecting an over joyed excited reaction (which is brilliant if you get one) it's not easy for a child to fake. If people are just wanting a thank you they can get that when they see them or on the phone.

To me if you want to see them open the present you are wanting some kind of positive reaction excitement etc ?

Obviously as an adult I would always act delighted and intrested in a gift even if I thought I was horrible but a lot harder for kids.

Also how does it matter WHAT a gift is for? What is this crazy level of bad manners? You get a gift, you say thank you. You don’t ask what it is for?!

They are 7 and 5. Not toddlers. Forget about acting excited they asked what the gift was FOR. And their own mother thinks that’s an acceptable response. Come on!
If I was the MIL I would be horrified by the rudeness too.

I am done with this thread. The majority provided perfectly polite opinions but the OP has come back and insulted people, calling them "holes" and idiots... I no longer care about this fairly trivial issue.

Ah, my dear MIL used to give us (DH, me, our DC) gifts sometimes months or weeks in advance, sometimes months or weeks late.
No one minded. Because we don’t see birthdays or Christmas as purely present grabbing exercises. A gift is a personal exchange.
Try teaching your children some patience and manners.

As an adult if someone gave me a present a long time after my birthday I would probably say O thank you, what is this for ? It doesn't need to be rude but most people don't expect presents randomly so you would be surprised and curious.

And is it not true that if you are giving a gift face to face you are looking for an ex cited reaction ? That's a lot of pressure for a young kid !