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Original poster

Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

372 replies

Februaryblooms · 11/03/2019 22:16

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

OP posts:
anniehm · 12/03/2019 12:21

It depends if she will entertain your elder dc, wash up, make meals, fetch shopping etc - if she wants to to host her it's a no!

Nickbrad · 12/03/2019 12:23

I would say lovely for the offer of help but as the first few weeks are all about establishing routine and getting your hormones back under controlled, dripping breasts and establishing nightime feeding Patten's you will be needing your sofa and space so if she stayed in a hotel that would be fine but unfortunately it's not convinced for her to stay in her in your house. You would love to see her once you are in a routine so in around six months when the baby will be responsive and will be able to get to know her better. You could also say as you value her friends you don't want to spoil it by bring stresses and emotional and not being able to enjoy your time with her.

DarlingNikita · 12/03/2019 12:24

Leave it. It's her turn to communicate.

Elizabeth2019 · 12/03/2019 12:25

@Februaryblooms

I got myself into a similar if less stressful situation, a good friend insisted on coming to stay despite only being over an hour away. She’s got v little experience with babies so thought me having a full day out etc would be no issue. As the due date got closer and closer, I got more and more anxious! Then I had all sorts of medical appointments and baby wasn’t gaining weight etc so her insisting on coming on day 11 was awful!

I did enjoy seeing her, but luckily managered for her not to stay over although she did stay for 8 hours which tbh I could have done with a sleep in that. If she’d stayed overnight I could have easily ruined our friendship by saying something I couldn’t take back.

Please don’t feel bad for declining and if she can’t see she’s being unreasonable I’m sure anyone she complains to will point it out!

Good luck with the new addition!

Pernickity1 · 12/03/2019 12:27

You have my sympathy OP! I live a few hours from my hometown and people are forever inviting themselves to stay - as if they’re doing me a favour! When in reality it just puts stress and pressure on me. It’s somewhat ok now that my DC are 1 and 2 but when I had a newborn and a 15 month old it was so stressful having people stay.

The worst was when a friend invited herself, her DH and their child down for a few nights to visit and to also use my house as a base to go sightseeing. I agreed, spent the days before cleaning and cooking from scratch (I HATE cooking so this was a big deal for me!) and the day before I text her to see what time they were coming and she told me they couldn’t come now but would arrange another visit very soon Angry

Needless to say when another visit was suggested I said no straight away! Stand firm.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2019 12:28

Did you get any response, OP? I think your message was fine.

JustBloodyCold · 12/03/2019 12:28

2 weeks is a massive imposition at ANY time, but with a newborn it's right out. Well done OP and stick to your guns. She'll have to find someone else to give her a free holiday this year.

Megan2018 · 12/03/2019 12:31

Well done for the message - now sit tight and say nothing more.

If she chooses to be offended it is her loss. Do not engage further!

Ozzybobgoblin · 12/03/2019 12:37

Well done on the message. Don't message again. People are barmy.

Lweji · 12/03/2019 12:37

Some people are just oblivious. I hope she doesn't get in a mood, but, OP, is this the type of friend you want?

I remember telling another pregnant friend that I'd visit her (couple of hours sort of visit) only at least one week post-baby. She was surprised then, but when I did visit, she said I was right. The visit was more relaxed as she was already more settled with the baby.

Don't feel bad about it, OP. Even of involving your DP. He wouldn't like it, so it's not really a lie. Wink

HotpotLawyer · 12/03/2019 12:38

Wait it out, OP.

She might be a bit offended (or very offended), but that isn't more important than you being stressed out by hr unreasonable plan, and you have a right to say 'no' so if she chooses to be offended, that is her problem, not yours.

Rule no 1: Do not take responsibility for other people's reactions to your reasonable behaviour. The ONLY thing you need to take responsibility for is letting it go on after she first raised it. And that doesn't mean capitulating now.

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/03/2019 12:39

What an absolute nerve! What is wrong with people? I suspect she will "insist". I do hope not. Make sure you stand your ground and I would most certainly talk to your husband about it...I am not sure why you haven't? He will support you, surely?

I wouldn't dream of imposing on anybody with a newborn unless asked. One of my close friends had a baby recently, she didn't have visitors for two weeks, which seems very sensible to me. I also preferred no visitors when my kids were born (only parents). There is no way I would have accommodated that sort of fuckery!

sollyfromsurrey · 12/03/2019 12:42

Wait it out. If you keep contacting her you are sending the message that you are concerned at having upset her as if you have done something wrong. You haven't DO NOT contact her again about this.

llangennith · 12/03/2019 12:43

Don't send another message. Wait for her response but continue to say no nicely but firmly.

ittakes2 · 12/03/2019 12:44

Say no - tell her your hubby might end up of the sofa if they baby is having trouble settling - make up any excuse - say no!

Stormwhale · 12/03/2019 12:45

Definitely leave it. If she has got the hump then she is beyond unreasonable. Even before having my own dc I would never have dreamed of imposing on a family at a time like this. She needs to give her head a wobble and you need to stand firm.

DeathMetalMum · 12/03/2019 12:48

Any friends I'm close enough to to even consider staying at my house for two weeks! Which would probably be to long for me even without a newborn I'd be more than comfatable just flatly explaining that it would be my worst nightmare to have anyone staying over whilst looking after a newborn. That wiykd be the end of the conversation but ive always been pfetty blunt and any friends wiuld expect that from me.

Sanguineclamp · 12/03/2019 12:50

I've grown weary with these 'prone to be moody/quick to take offence/get the hump types' as I've got older. They are very draining of energy. Despite their "sensitivity" they invariably have hides of rhinoceroses themselves.

I have someone like this in my own family; she has many, many good qualities, funny, is the life and sole of

Cookit · 12/03/2019 12:52

Don’t message again. You can’t backtrack or re-explain.
2 weeks even without the newborn is an imposition. With the newborn is a disaster waiting to happen.

Ariela · 12/03/2019 12:52

I'm thinking perhaps when she does come later in the year, your DD might be sleeping more of an evening and your toddler will be more settled and you can put it to her that you could hopefully get DP to babysit and both escape from the mele for a cheeky meal out together to catch up, which would be a lot more appealing

SlipperOrchid · 12/03/2019 12:53

Wait it out.

I agreed to a visitor when my DC1 was born. It was awful. She is really into exercise and marched me and the baby out for a very long walk every afternoon. She walked so fast I couldn't keep up and then insisted on pushing the buggy but did so very roughly and frequently hit into potholes and at one point a light pole! I think her intentions were good as DH was working and I didn't have any family around me and it was my first baby. Its years later now and part of me still hasn't let it go and I'm still annoyed at myself for ever agreeing to it.

Don't send another message to your friend. What you said is perfectly acceptable. Spend your time resting and preparing for your new baby instead of fretting about your friend.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/03/2019 12:54

Put your phone away. Don't send her any more communications at this point. It is up to her to say something like "Ok, we'll catch up again at some point once you've had your baby" (if she is reasonable) or "Fine! I have just lost X amount of money on flights/train costs as you hadn't said anything up to now. When can you transfer the money to my account??" (if she is unreasonable and a bit of a cow!!!)

You though don't send anything. You've laid out your position and she has to understand that she is entirely completely and utterly unacceptable to land herself at the doorstep of a friend immediately after said friend has had a baby and you're looking for somewhere to have a mini city break (or similar) under the guise of being an extra pair of hands and to help look after said newborn.

IvanaPee · 12/03/2019 12:56

Wait it out. If you’re a people pleaser she’s probably relying on you apologising and offering for her to come!

I do think the DP mention might be a bit of a can of worms but it’s no big deal.

If she comes back and mentions it just say “no, we both agreed it would be too chaotic and too much after the birth” and leave it at that!

AryaStarkWolf · 12/03/2019 12:58

Yeah don't message her again, if you do you're saying you think she has some reason to be upset. And she really, really doesn't

O4FS · 12/03/2019 13:00

You really shouldn’t be worried about offending her. It’s a spectacularly bad idea.

You’re going to be up in the middle of the night, engorged, smelling of milk, sweating, possibly whipping sautéed cabbage leaves out of your bra, probably in pain and perhaps weeping, and you will need to watch middle of the night TV as you live a 24 hour a day awake type of Hell.

Don’t feel bad now. Imagine how awful you will be feeling if she comes.