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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

372 replies

Februaryblooms · 11/03/2019 22:16

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

OP posts:
ATailofTwoKitties · 12/03/2019 09:55

How about:

'DH is going to be using the sofa to get some sleep for shift work. You may be a good mate but you're not sharing it with him!'

dustarr73 · 12/03/2019 10:01

I know my dp is more assertive.So i sometimes use him as an excuse.But generally people know what hes like.

I bet shes sulking.Shes not used to you saying no.Just be wary she just doesnt turn up anyway

akmum18 · 12/03/2019 10:01

Tell her you have family staying so there will be no space and you won’t be able to spend as much time together as you’d like so can it be rebooked for summer/next year. Don’t let her talk you into agreeing. You’ll never get those early weeks back and you don’t want someone in your house taking over/getting the way etc when it isn’t necessary for them to come. Good luck

missmouse101 · 12/03/2019 10:06

OP has texted friend a great message already, those late to the post!

BiscuitDrama · 12/03/2019 10:08

I’ve read your text, well done.
I also think you need to say for the future ‘now we have the baby we don’t have room for visitors’.

OddCat · 12/03/2019 10:09

Tell her you have family staying so there will be no space

We should really try to encourage people to be more assertive, tell the truth and not tie themselves in knots when turning people down . Why do some feel the need to fib ( tell one lie and you have to tell another) when delivering a factual reason for not wanting to do something?

Disclaimer: I do understand that some find it difficult to be assertive

LazyLizzy · 12/03/2019 10:19

In hindsight I should've left out the part about DP, I do agree.

Your text was good. It read to me like after discussing with DP it was obvious to you both that you just don't have the room.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/03/2019 10:31

Firstly dear OP, congratulations on your impending arrival.

OddCat is absolutely right. Every time I've tried this to a CF, they try to ignore or unravel what I've just said to get their original request back on track. They are just not put off by flimsy excuses. The truth is the best policy, even if they don't like it, what can they do? its the truth.

""""She has been a lovely friend....but she's very.. how do I put it.. prone to getting the hump and going in a mood if she feels offended for example."""""

Here's how I see it
You: Coping with birth, newborn's 24/7 needs, toddler's needs (I cannot emphasise how important these will be). OH only 1 week paternity leave. No room for guest. DM able to support you without intruding or "getting the hump"

Friend: Annual Holiday leave. Wants nice meals and happy chats with hosts. Wants one on one attention with new mother. Has fluffy pink mental image of holding newborn and "getting to know" insecure toddler. Too thick to realise that this is intruding as a stranger to 2 of you on the most prescious and essential time with your new family. Has never met your DH or toddler in five years. Knows you don't have room. Informs you, months after mentioning this that she's buying her ticket . Likes to sulk if she doesn't get her own way.

Sticking around for a funeral is completely different to being plonk in the middle of a newborn's arrival, plus toddler.

I can imagine that the thought of her being offended and cold shouldering you if she doesn't get her way, is quite stressful, in fact this is already stressing you out. She will have to learn to suck it up and grow up. It is difficult being assertive with people like that but having a toddler and a newborn have a wonderful way of clarifying the mind. I wish you and your new family all the best best.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/03/2019 10:31

*very best.. I need new computer glasses xxx

doIreallyneedto · 12/03/2019 11:39

In hindsight I should've left out the part about DP, I do agree.

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you said. It's normal to discuss something like that with dp and then realise the practicalities.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 12/03/2019 11:51

Still no reply from her unfortunately, I'm starting to think she's a bit offended.

Should I send anything else or just wait it out?

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 12/03/2019 11:53

Wait it out. Don't start making moves towards her or she'll be in for the fortnight before you know it.

redwinegaga · 12/03/2019 11:58

Yes definitely wait it out!

ohfourfoxache · 12/03/2019 11:59

Wait it out - you were perfectly reasonable and it’s up to her to respond.

missmouse101 · 12/03/2019 11:59

Op, remember that she has a choice in how she reacts to your completely pleasantly worded text. If she chooses to get the hump, that is nothing to do with you. She sounds utterly immature.

Happynow001 · 12/03/2019 12:00

Yes wait it out. And have your responses ready when she pushes back. If she's got a rind like a rhino she may still try and get her own way.

cstaff · 12/03/2019 12:05

Definitely do not text her again. This is her problem, not yours. You are being completely reasonable and while she may not have realised it she was being completely UNreasoanble.

Grumpelstilskin · 12/03/2019 12:05

No, don't send anything else. She has no right to be offended and you should not accept any moodiness by her. Let her get back to you in her own time.

ciderhouserules · 12/03/2019 12:05

OFGS don't go contacting her again! You've laid out your statement - it's up to her now. IF she is offended, tough. Get over that at a later stage (ie in about 3 years time!)

IF she's not, she will start to wonder if she should be...

Wait it out. And go and do something else to take your mind off it.

SB1013 · 12/03/2019 12:09

She doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh. Can't stand people that do the whole sulky attention seeking, just leave her to it.
I used to have a friend that I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells around and we are no longer friends because I didn't want or need a person like that in my life

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 12/03/2019 12:11

Wait it out. You have done nothing wrong!

HermioneWeasley · 12/03/2019 12:11

Do not send an additional message. You were very polite in your response to an utterly bizarre suggestion. Leave it. It doesn’t sound like you’re particularly close anyway so if she goes off in a huff, it’s no tragedy

Motoko · 12/03/2019 12:12

Of course you don't contact her again!

If she's "offended", she's not a very nice person, and doesn't deserve your friendship. I suspect that she's only been a "good friend" because you quickly learned to dance to her tune. If you'd been a more assertive person at the start of the friendship, she'd have dropped you like a ton of hot shit.

Her "friendship" is conditional, and only given when she gets her own way. It's time you started seeing her for who she really is.

Orangecake123 · 12/03/2019 12:14

Just say no OP and don't second think about appearing rude. I had someone overstay a few hours and it was awful, can't imagine 2 weeks.

amusedbush · 12/03/2019 12:20

Don't send another message, it will look like you are trying to justify your decision. You are being perfectly reasonable and if she's offended then that's just down to her own lack of awareness.

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