Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

[Februaryblooms]

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

Well done for sending the message OP! Hope she replies soon. I just wanted to add to the chorus of voices saying NO you are absolutely not BU here and don’t you dare let her think you are!

For some context/perspective, I don’t have kids and we have a spare room. I still have a ‘three night max’ rule with overnight guests because any longer and I start to get antsy and want my space back. If someone were sleeping on my sofa for even a few nights I’d go insane. For two weeks, I’d be climbing the walls... and that’s without having a tiny baby and a toddler of my own in the mix too! Good god, the woman is delusional

“This is DH’s only paternity leave, we need to spend it as a family”

I am very frustrated by the self-styled ‘people pleasers’ on this thread. OK, I know it is hard. I struggle and get myself in pickles when I should have said ‘no’. But we have to take responsibility. Totally unfair and dishonest to cite DH. Totally unfair to be in denial about the friend’s first raising this plan. It isn’t people pleasing it’s cowardice or failure to be able to communicate.

As I say, I have done it too. But none of us will learn to be assertive in a constructive way unless we are honest with ourselves. The ‘I’m too soft / kind’ hand wringing trope is dishonest.

Op: I am sending you strength and clarity: you have the right to be direct with your friend and protect your space for that new born period.

You have your children to protect all
their lives. Stay strong and clear.

OP what is with the 2 weeks thing? Is that something she thought of out of the blue, or did you both used to spend 2 weeks at each others houses? One week would have me thinking 'you're taking the piss/joking', but TWO weeks? Is she actually for real? And I suppose she expects you to host her, cook for her, etc? Unbelievable.

@HotpotLawyer I've tried to say the same thing on 2 other threads where CFs were calling the shots. I got shot down in flames. Some people are enablers and simply won't be told.

Wow I would have found that stressful too. Well done for sending the text.

“Dear friend, I’m sorry but that timing doesn’t suit me as me and my husband would be adjusting to having a baby and can’t be hosts. Hope you understand.”

If she tries again say no. This time us important for your family, your toddler will also be going thro lots of changes and having an adult in tne house that he dosent know will make the adjustments harder for him. Say no, no ifs or buts but a firm no.

Well done on sending the text. I think you will now find out how true a friend she is, because someone who really cared for you would say "no problem, hope it all goes well, send me lots of photos of the new arrival, and look forward to seeing you when you're able", whereas I fear this person may go off in a huff, and make it all about her.

Say it's not convenient at the moment, you need to get adjusted to life with toddler and newborn and want that time to be just family . She sounds like she hasn't thought it through properly eitherb

Why have you just gone and blamed your DP?

This was my first thought! Poor guy, bet she blames him and makes snide remarks next time she sees him

what do you say ? "no" - it's a complete sentence

Say no

Any reply yet op?

I try to stay with friends when they have a new baby, but I do it:

a) When the baby is a little older and they have a routine.
b) When I can do something useful for them - even if it means looking after the baby whilst they sleep or get out for a bit or go to the dentist etc.
c) I get a takeaway in for us.
d) I stay ONE NIGHT!

Crikey! Staying for a fortnight is way too long anyway, never mind the baby or the sofa!

Smoggle's reply is good; maybe adding "Thanks for your kind offer" at the start. Don't be drawn in to long explanations about bonding or breast feeding. If she's dense enough to suggest this (or being kind - very naieve) then she needs telling straight.

Lifeistoughmate's reply spot on!

To me, no spare bed would be quite enough of a reason (2 weeks FGS!!) when you're going to be up and down 24/7 with a new baby. And v likely wanting to watch some trash TV while doing bleary-eyed 4 am feeds.

I'd just tell her nicely but firmly, sorry, but much as you appreciate the thought, it won't be possible since (as you know from experience with number one) you'll be needing the sofa yourself. I would hope she wouldn't argue with that, but if she does, just repeat, more firmly.

I wouldn't faff about with excuses. Giving a list of reasons why it won't work such as lack of sleep, birth date not certain etc just gives her a chance to respond with reasons why it would be fine. @boomboom1234 has a good response. It's a definite no without room for negotiation but says it in a nice way.

It's so bizarre that she would even think this is a good idea though! Good grief.

I'd say being this close to the birth is making you think back to the first time and how one of you slept in the bed and the other was on the sofa wit the baby and you think it will be the same again and need the living room to escape to if the baby is disturbing the toddler. You're sorry but now you've thought about it it's not going to work and maybe you can meet later on in the year instead. Do it quick before she books tickets though

When dsil, had her second, I stayed in a hotel for 2 days and brought them food.
People can be so thoughtless when a baby arrives

To all the posters criticising the OP for being unassertive, she KNOWS she is like this, has admitted it openly and honestly and has had the courage to message her friend in a way that feels comfortable for her. Get off her back for goodness sake!

She wanted to do WHAT now?? Silliest idea I've ever heard. My Mum and sister came for a week each when I had each of the DDs and we have a spare room! And it was when DH went back to work!

Dreadful idea and if she gets the hump that is categorically her problem, not yours.

Well done so far!
If your people-pleasing urges might make you waver when she replies, just play this scenario in your mind: you weaken, she comes to stay - the grim reality of the early post-partum days comes as a terrible shock to her.
Do you think your friendship could survive this onslaught? I think she might end up having slightly more than "a bit of a hump".
If she takes offence at a polite postponement, she can take a bloody great wall, in the immortal words of my late DM.

No reply as of yet.

She ia active on social media so I'm not sure whether she's unimpressed with the message or has taken it on the chin and is getting on with her day. Hopefully the latter.

In hindsight I should've left out the part about DP, I do agree.

I don't know why she wanted to stay for two whole weeks, her sister lost her husband last year and she went and stayed with her for a fortnight to help with arrangements so perhaps she thinks it's an acceptable length for a visit when she thinks somebody needs support, not that the two situations are remotely similar. That's all I can think of.

@Gone4Good

Women who have never been around newborns don't understand that they have your attention 24/7.

What a silly statement. Not all women are like your relative and OP's friend.