Lending money to MIL

[NotSoThinLizzy]

So MIL is going to get evicted for rent arrears unless she comes up with some money. She asked us if she could borrow a fairly large amount from me and OH, well large to us. OH wants to put it on the credit card it's a 0% card. MIL promises to pay it back by July at the latest. I don't really want to as she isn't good at paying money back she does pay it back eventually but quite late. We could just about afford to pay the card off even if MIL dosent give us any money. I understand the situation and I want to help but I don't want to be in position where we can't afford nice things. We have a holiday planned in July. I'm 6 weeks pregnant too. And we have 2 DC.
MIL got in position by pissing her money away on crap, video games and takeaways and buying people online "presants" but thats a whole different story.

She works seasonal in a hotel starts her job again next week. So will be reciveing money in the coming months

Can she not take out her own credit card for rent arrears ?

She can't be aceeptes for a credit card as her credit is so bad she's tried the auqa card and was rejected

So she's got a history of borrowing money from you? Tricky one. I'm not a fan of repeatedly lending money to people, particularly when its their own mismanagement that got them into that position. Loan with repayment plan, making it very clear you will not be in a position to do so again? Assume MIL can't get a credit card, which would be the best option, for you.

Don’t do it. I lent a family member a huge amount of money and regretted it every day. It was years ago and she’s still paying back. Let her find someone else, there will be someone else. You have no idea what expenses may crop up in your life and for her to even ask when you are pregnant is disgusting quite frankly.

Sorry, cross post on card.

I wouldn't if she isn't good at paying back, it's too stressful for everyone. But I would worry DH would suggest she come live with you when she has nowhere to go.

If she can't pay her rent at the moment then how will she afford to pay her rent plus the debt to you? You will never see that money again and your children will have to live a much poorer life because you'll be repaying this credit card. It is not a good idea. If she is evicted where will she go? Does she expect to move in with you?

In this situation I would put her in touch with Shelter and Step Change. She needs professional help if she is spending money on videogames instead of rent.

Yeah we've dug her out of a few holes before but I think she has hidden debt from her last house too, unpaid arrears on that as well. She lived with us briefly about 2 years ago and was being sent final notices to my address but she ignored them. She's told us she has paid them off now but I'm suspicious. As she's tried for credit cards that have a complete acceptance rate and been refused.

I wouldn't lend it. Lending family money always ending problems and bad feeling.

Also if you're always helping her out of a mess, she's got no reason to try and get her act together.

Yes she will expect to live with us or if she dosent live with us she will hound us for money for food ect...

*ends in

She's very good at guilt tripping OH past history of abuse OH ended up in care because of it

You really have to start saying no, or her demands and requests will never end.

No way. You have two dc and another one on the way - you need to tell your dh that he needs to make the family he has created his priority.

If your MIL had fallen on hard times through no fault of her own, I’d say otherwise. But that’s clearly not the case here.

Be careful OP, you’ve no guarantee that she’ll actually pay the arrears off. She could simple move somewhere else, like she did last time. The landlord might not even be willing to let her stay, if she catches up now as she/he could be fed up with your mil being so unreliable. How can you be sure the money isn’t going to waste?

No don’t do it. She never has to manage her money properly if she never feels the ramifications of her choices.

You’ll end up spending your relationship giving her money until you become resentful then it puts a wedge between you and your partner.

If you have to put it on a credit card then you don’t have it and therefore can’t give it to her.

She sounds like a mess. Rent first, always, then council tax, then bills, then anything else you need. If she can’t prioritise keeping a roof over her head - probably because she assumed you’d bail her out yet again - then she’s profoundly irresponsible and can’t be trusted. Say no.

Two cliches spring to mind here: neither a lender nor a borrower be, and never 'invest' what you can't afford to lose.

If she's this irresponsible with money you know you'll never see it again. And you're pregnant and those funds are needed elsewhere; as is the space in your home. It would be amazing if she had the outsize cheek to ask to live with you in the event she's evicted, but I've seen some of the liberties in-laws take and nothing would surprise me.

This crap needs shutting down fast, because this I can guarantee: if you bail her out this time she'll be back for more. There's a great case study focusing on this exact scenario in Susan Forward's brilliant book 'toxic in-laws', and she gives the son--in-law in the case excellent advice on how to deal with it. This includes the emotional blackmail he often received in response: 'if I end up homeless it will be YOUR fault!' (Spoiler: it won't).

Hard 'no'. YANBU; she most definitely is.

Wow after your latest message, no, just no. She is not your responsibility, you already have 2 children and another on the way. How does your DP feel about this? It seems like he feels obliged to help her if he's talking about getting a credit card for her, but that would just be throwing money into a bottomless pit. She will drive you all into poverty. You need to prioritise your own children.

If she is evicted she should present herself to the council as homeless. You shouldn't ruin your own family's lives to support her when she makes such bad choices.

Don't do it.

She must have something she can sell. Jewellery, tv, phone... if she complains she needs these things she’s taking the piss.

Tell her to go bankrupt.

I agree with the others. Don't do it. She sounds like dh's ex. Won't take responsibility for her own debts.

You're pregnant. Your and oh priority is the new baby.

Your mil caused this. She has a history of doing the same thing and hasn't learned. If someone bails her out she will never learn.

Don't lend her the money and definitely don't let her move in with you.

Don't.

It's not just about the money - you are enabling her, rescuing her from the consequences of her actions in a way which means that she just won't have to regret any of it at all - she's going to be in an even better position than if she had it on a credit card... no interest, no penalties, not even having to pay it back if she squeezes out a few tears.

So give her two years and you'll be here again. Only difference is that you'll be poorer.

And you'll resent her for it, it will affect your relationship. Even if you can afford it - which it doesn't really sound like you can. What happens if there's an emergency your end? - your DH loses his job, unexpected expenses crop up?

Help her, but not by bailing her out. First step - can you go to Shelter and see if anything can be done about a pay plan for arrears? It will take them a LONG time to evict her if they go down that formal route anyway - get involved, get advice, see if there is any way she can start paying once she starts her job.

Look into the possibility of her earning some cash some other ways.

Make her go to the GP and get on the list for counselling - or, if you want to spend money on this, get her private counselling. This problem will not go away, by payign off her debts you aren't solving the issue. Nobody wothout a serious problem spends their money on crap online when they haven't paid their rent. Sorting this for her only kicks the can down the road.